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ciellavi
[–]ciellaviFDS Newbie[S] 133 points134 points135 points 5 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
"Righteous resentment is poor compensation. Just go."
Truer words have never been spoken! What an FDS statement!
[–]pascalinesFDS Newbie23 points24 points25 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
It means that staying and feeling justified/vindicated in being “right” (I.e. he SHOULD give you marriage/children) is poor compensation compared to actually GETTING what you want (leaving and having children).
[–]PizzaNo7741FDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
can you break this down for me? not sure i understand fully
[–]ciellaviFDS Newbie[S] 4 points5 points6 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I wrote a response but u/pascalines below said it much better!
[–][deleted] 56 points57 points58 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
At best they have relationships with girlfriends that last a few years each before each one finally realizes he's just using her.
She'll ask the question he's been anticipating, but couldn't quite put into words or see coming clearly which is "where is this going?" A shitty, flailing attempt at still seeming like the good guy will result in him acknowledging the POSSIBILITY of them staying together long term, or reMAIninG frIENdS, and she'll finally dump him after years of focusing on a tech guy, instead of FOCUSING ON TAKING OVER IT FIELDS, like young women SHOULD be doing.
[–]PizzaNo7741FDS Newbie3 points4 points5 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
facts
[–]PornruinedsocietyFDS Disciple142 points143 points144 points 5 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
They hate and resent women, so they'll never give her anything she wants, he could have everything in the world but still take pleasure in taking from her.
[–]PizzaNo7741FDS Newbie10 points11 points12 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
even the life of a cat lounging in sunbeams and drinking milk from a saucer can't compare to a tech bro who has his live-in forevergirlfriend bangmaid locked in and on birth control. He resents anything about her that mismatches his ideal "optimized" lifestyle which is just his own fear of change and fear of inadequacy projected onto her needs.
[–]ReignOnYou954 points5 points6 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Yeah men really dont like women enjoying or taking pleasure in anything.
[–]NovemberinthechairFDS Disciple3 points4 points5 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I see this in fandom a lot. These examples might be odd given the theme of this place, but men wasted waaaaay too much time hating on Sex in the City and Twilight...like it was their job or something.
I know, there was some pickmeisha stuff in the show (I honestly thought it was funny), but men hated it because it was four women who'd get together and talk about men...dicks and all. Men HATE female solidarity. Back in the day, men could even have their wives arrested for frequently talking to their female friends. All he had to do was call them a coven.
I personally dislike the Twilight films (god, Bella was such a bad role model), but once again, men hated it because Bella chose the vamp over the werewolf guy...because she led him on" and therefore owed wolfie dude because he went through the trouble of befriending her, whatever.
Seriously, I've seen grown ass men bitching about the Twilight love triangle.
Anyway, when women like something, men feel they have a duty to shit all over it.
[–]EffectiveHoneydew422FDS Newbie180 points181 points182 points 5 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
"A man timeline is a lot more flexible than yours" This so true.Most of the time we think that this mean just that older men have put off having children because their BiOlOgY allows them to impregnate a woman well into his 50s - at least thats how ive thought until right now, I just realised that, the flexibility of a mans life to have children is nothing to do with biology but EVERYTHING to do with how having children doesn't interrupt their life/ career/ body ability AT ALL. If men want children earnestly they have them young, in their 20s I know a few male friends that had babies quite young because thats what they wanted and it hasn't had any interference in their timelines career wise, because the mothers and grandmothers do all the heavy lifting in terms of time and even finances.
Men who end up having kids in their 40s dont and never did want children- they wanted as many sexual partners as possible and when they got bald/ old ugly the options dried up and they get forced to compromise by having a baby to avoid losing the last women they could possibly attain - because they are actually terrified of looking after themselves and living alone sans the one night stands they were accustomed to in their bachelor days. These men make shitty fathers and will be prone to cheating at any opportunity - hello babysitter - TLRD just realised if you want children- have them with a young man, if he wants kids, he wants kids.
[–]SoybeanApocalypseFDS Newbie55 points56 points57 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
That last paragraph is exactly it. Family-oriented guys know they are family-oriented.
[–]KAT_85FDS Newbie37 points38 points39 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
"give your girlfriend kids..."
Nope, sorry. Give her a ring, a wedding, and then she can give you kids. Otherwise, you're just playing games... This is how you end up as a forever girlfriend. Don't fall for this
[–]ciellaviFDS Newbie[S] 12 points13 points14 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yep, agreed. The concept of giving your girlfriend kids is screwed up and totally emblematic of Bay Area techie culture, but the sentiment of calling out the LVM is still good.
[–]tallwomenneedlovetooFDS Newbie35 points36 points37 points 5 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link
It’s crazy to me that this is such a big thing in some tech circles. As far as high earning careers, tech is probably my #1 or #2 pick for a husband and father. My husband has been in the tech industry for around 10 years; they’ve got great pay, great benefits, dependable 9-6 hours, and fabulous work-life balance (30+ days of PTO p/year!!!)
I could see how it could allure scummy dudes as independent contractors, but all my husband’s coworkers are pretty similar as family men, 2.5 kids, pictures of their wives on their desks, taking off early to see plays and very minimal fraternizing outside of work. I’m guessing men are most like this in tech hub cities with sky high COL and a thriving young professional scene, like SF and Austin?
[–]PizzaNo7741FDS Newbie28 points29 points30 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
yeah in the Toronto region they don't like leaving their little isolated bubble. So they date in their income bracket and pooh-pooh at the notion of traveling 30 mins on the 401 to date someone who owns their own property in durham region. unmatched a dude recently who found out I live a few kms outside the city centre and he said somthing like "so you ok with coming into the downtown area?" and I said "no, not generally, why?"
his reply: "because i'm definitely never coming out there. it's a lifestyle out here bb."
ok . I am so glad I know my worth now because that attitude really messed with my head when i was a younger pickme and deeply internalized the shame of ... being middle class? Ok. buddy doesn't want to get in his tesla and chill for 30 mins to meet someone special. Dodged a bullet though bc I looked him up on linkedin and his business has so many 1 star reviews from employees at his company calling him and his family really horrible to work with. Pff. But that's the attitude from some cloutgobbling meatheads living in high COL areas.
[–]KAT_85FDS Newbie51 points52 points53 points 5 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
I used to live in the Bay Area, and you've never seen a less kid-friendly place. The technocrats love their poly lifestyles, MDMA fueled orgies, etc. It's like anime/nerd/weeb culture on steroids run by guys who couldn't get a date in HS but who are now millionaires. They all want to be the main male character from the Transformers series and are mad that Meghan Fox lookalikes weren't rushing to suck their nerd dick before they "made it"
[–]queen_beastmodeFDS Newbie35 points36 points37 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I live in the Bay Area and I say, work in tech, don't date tech. The dudes are worthless.
[–]CocoaangelFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link
Yep, lived there (Downtown SF) for 13 years and dated lots of techies. They all suffer from peter pan syndrome and other spectrum syndromes. Had a much better time dating bankers in NYC. As they say in the Bay, The ODDS are Good but the GOODs are ODD!
[–]queen_beastmodeFDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Haha, I used to live in the city charmingly known as Man Jose. And the population statistics backed that name up. Worst place to date ever.
[–]tallwomenneedlovetooFDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
That’s so wild! Men in tech here are less Elon Musk and more...the IT Crowd? Very much button ups with belts and not very social but also not anywhere near these Reddit basement dwellers. I literally couldn’t imagine seeing any of his straight-laced coworkers doing anything further than getting really tipsy at the Christmas party 😂
[–]KAT_85FDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
LOL I now work in tech in a very different state and environment. It's night and day. My coworkers these days sound a lot like yours and I'm very happy for that.
[–]goldiebabyFDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Same here. My husband works in Tech and it's a fantastic career option for a husband IMO. Even before COVID, my husband worked from home a lot, took plenty of time off, no partying or happy hours with co-workers. I had no idea there was such a stigma! Personally, I highly recommend tech guys. It's probably the only career where you can make great money with only a BS degree and probably the only high-paying career with a normal work-life balance. My husband gets unlimited sick leave (he took 2 months off fully paid after 2 surgeries in 2019), 4 weeks paid vacation per year (to be 5 weeks next year), 6 months fully paid paternity leave, flexible work hours (he shows up around 10-11 am) and works 5-6 hours a day tops.
I live in the Seattle area and it's perfect for having kids and raising a family. The city itself is turning into a literal shithole, but the surrounding burbs are spectacular.
[+][deleted] 5 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link
[deleted]
[–]musicallymirroredFDS Newbie35 points36 points37 points 5 years ago (17 children) | Copy Link
This post triggered me. 😂 (I am laughing so I don’t cry.)
My husband is in this field. You can see my comment history for his views on children. This past Christmas he scheduled a vasectomy reversal for this spring because he knows I desperately want a baby and I don’t have that many years left. A Catholic priest said it would be immoral and unconscionable for us to have a child together...which is a rather shocking thing for a priest to tell a married couple. It about sums up how much value is being brought to the table though by this tech guy. 😑
Thing is, at my age, by the time I would be free to marry again between divorce and annulment, I will be too old to realistically have a good shot at having a family life with someone else.
The resentment is real and I should have broken off the engagement when he got the vasectomy. But it was just a few months before the wedding (which was paid for) and we were in process of a relocation and home purchase. While I was devastated, I didn’t feel like backing out then was going to improve the immediate quality of my life. I’m still not sure that it would have at that point. The resentment is impossible to shake though. Towards him and myself.
[+][deleted] 5 years ago (11 children) | Copy Link
[–]Important_Page_6846FDS Newbie25 points26 points27 points 5 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
In all seriousness this ^ 100%, sperm donation clinics screen donors for literally just about anything. I definitely recommend it and be honest the whole time. Tell him you want kids and it’ll happen with or without him, t minus 1 month until insemination. Here’s the thing this marriage could be over any minute and he’s moved onto a 21 yr old, reversed his vasectomy and they’re pregnant. He’s laughing at you and you’re stuck with resentment. Not worth it at all, a top tier sperm donor isn’t more than $1,000 a fraction of the price of a top tier egg donor so I highly recommend you look into this before it’s too late if kids are that important to you.
[–]KAT_85FDS Newbie10 points11 points12 points 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
This^
My friend from HS just got pregnant using donor sperm. The donor was a 6'5, blonde, blue eyed, fit former Navy Seal who was in med school and who valued family/community. I mean... you can't plan for every contingency, but... there are certainly options out there for those who want to use alternate means. The cost of the donated sperm and the IUI didn't set her back very much at all, and I'm sure the baby will be adorable!
[–]Important_Page_6846FDS Newbie10 points11 points12 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
The best part of it all, she’s giving her child some of the better genetic chances it could have gotten in life. Vs having a kid with a genetic mess and still end up a single mom doing it all on your own... AT BEST, or stuck parenting with an abusive genetic mess.
This doesn’t apply to women who want to be married to the man but if anything it shows how important vetting is. With poor vetting one can end up pregnant w/ a 5’6 dude who is balding in his 30s and has the diet of Homer Simpson, abusing her and the kid in one way or another and then leaving her to raise his offsprogs. Low standards should be a human rights issue for the children born from them.
[–]KAT_85FDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
YES!!
My thought is... if they can unironically try to dread game us with the idea of being replaced by robots... we have alternatives. And the human genome will be healthier for it. I’m all about choosing to be a solo parent with a sperm donor if a woman doesn’t find a worthy Partner. And yes I’d choose a chad. They spend decades choosing porn so one selfish choice that benefits the human race ?! No biggie
[–]Important_Page_6846FDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Exactly, they’re ruthless as fuq it’s time we return the favor.
[–]fdsonlynoscrubsFDS Newbie9 points10 points11 points 5 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
Yes I agree. OP, I don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors, but I do want to make sure you know what your options are. Please at minimum do some research about freezing your eggs and Google Single Mother by Choice (they have a Reddit group but it’s not very active.) It’s very possible to do on your own, you have a lot of options actually at any age (including donor embryos if you can’t retrieve your own eggs) and even if you decide you don’t want to go that route - knowledge is power. Even if you want to have kids with your husband you don’t have to use his sperm. And even if you want to ride things out with your husband for another few years, you can freeze eggs now and set yourself up for any life you want in the future.
[–]musicallymirroredFDS Newbie9 points10 points11 points 5 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
I am well aware of what reproductive technology options are but I am a faithful, practicing Catholic. We believe children should be conceived within the bounds of marriage where they know both of their parents. Alternatively, adoption is a valid option if a couple can’t have kids biologically. All children should be treated as blessings and gifts, regardless of circumstances. Children conceived through IVF are still to be loved and cherished, but practicing Catholics are not supposed to utilize those means. My faith is important to me and something I’ve already made too many compromises on for the sake of this marriage. My husband has expressed willingness to reverse the vasectomy after several years, but because of the covert abuse dynamics at play in the marriage, we were advised that having children together would be unfair to the child and put me at risk by making me more vulnerable to him. I was advised to begin planning for a divorce so and annulment so that I might be free to find a marriage that can feel life giving and be truly safe and loving. Considering the Catholic Church dislikes divorce and birth control a whole lot, this is a profound statement to be made. And it was made by multiple priests who have watched our relationship unfold.
[–]fdsonlynoscrubsFDS Newbie12 points13 points14 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Ok, sounds like you’ve done your research. I wish you best of luck on your journey and that you are able to find and build a loving and peaceful life, free from abuse, for both yourself and your future child.
[–]WchijafmFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Using donor sperm isnt that expensive. Atleast not compared to donor eggs or surrogate. I googled a while back and it $800-1000 per session and most women conceive withing 6 sessions. You still need the medications but if you have insurance then it shouldnt bee too bad.
Consider instead if hes a good partner (who got a vasectomy without your permission or input while engaged) and will make a good dad(is he only considering this now because you would leave?). You dont need him if he isnt.
Is the reason the priest said no because he was previously married and they dont consider your marriage valid?
You can have a family without him.
[–]goldiebabyFDS Newbie3 points4 points5 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Yeesh. What is the matter with you? First, you marry someone who is totally incompatible with you because he improved your financial status? Kids are the literal #1 thing to agree on.
Then you get pissy about his stance on kids, which was clear to you even pre-marriage. A vasectomy before you even married! wasn't clear enough?
This is such LV behavior just for money and a house. Maybe you should have worked towards making money for yourself, so you wouldn't end up so desperate for a good life.
My husband works in tech and everyone he knows has kids. Maybe it's not the field, but your desperation that led you to this stage in your life?
[–]musicallymirroredFDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
You act like I never fell in love with the man, which would be false. I never felt so in love with anyone I had dated. You also act like he wasn’t leading me on about his changed heart until he was pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to back out easily. You ignore the fact that perhaps he was wrong to lie to me and our premarital counselor for a prolonged period of time about how he was undergoing a conversion of heart. It’s all me being desperate but not him being manipulative or deceitful or trying to trap a woman who he perceived as vulnerable? How exactly does this kind of tongue lashing even help someone once they are trapped in an abusive situation? You are victim blaming as much as narcissistic scrotes do. Some empowerment and compassion you’ve got there for women. 👌
[–]jjlew922FDS Disciple7 points8 points9 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I had a short stint in tech and I was blown away by how much these men are cry baby Peter Pans who have learned how to emotionally manipulate and gaslight even women and themselves. I was even more blown away at the proportion of such men who were married to go-getter women more successful than them. And then it all made sense when I got to see them in a more intimate setting with their wives = their therapist and mommy🤢
[–]PizzaNo7741FDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
Hmmmmm should I force a convo with my interest of a few years by sending him this and asking what he thinks.....?
[–]Microwave79FDS Newbie8 points9 points10 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
What do you mean by 'interest of a few years'?
[–]souredskittlesFDS Disciple1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
🤔 seems like something isn’t right sis. If he hasent brought it up, it means he doesn’t want to. You can talk to him but I guarantee men are not shy with the woman they want to marry. THEY WILL TELL YOU
[–]PizzaNo7741FDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I get that, he's actually down for marriage and a family, but has trauma from childhood. His mum left early on but kept having kids, and he was left to raise his 4 younger sisters, starting when he was under the age of 10. I won't raise every detail but he has been my hero in the past for big things and small things countless times. Last night's convo ended with him apologizing, telling me I was right, listening to me, and accepting that he needs to go to therapy to deal with his mom making him responsible for babies way too young and abandoning them / being an agent of chaos in their lives. He would be a great dad but right now he needs some help and compassion and he has given me plenty of that in the last 2 years while I was dealing with serious health issues. But I won't waste my actual fertile time waiting for him, I have been vetting other options so that i'm not totally pickme-ing on this guy and ready to let go if that's what the final answer on kids will be.
you know, i am open to the idea I'm pickme-ing with this guy but it feels like a grey area to me where I'm still figuring it out for sure. I'm sorry I know something doesn't sit right, I'm trying to suss it out too.
[–]idiosyncraticg1FDS Disciple1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
What’s an “interest of a few years”?
[–]PizzaNo7741FDS Newbie-2 points-1 points0 points 5 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
It's a story, just covid getting in the way of our lives
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[–]ciellaviFDS Newbie[S] 133 points134 points135 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]pascalinesFDS Newbie23 points24 points25 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]PizzaNo7741FDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]ciellaviFDS Newbie[S] 4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 56 points57 points58 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]PizzaNo7741FDS Newbie3 points4 points5 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]PornruinedsocietyFDS Disciple142 points143 points144 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]PizzaNo7741FDS Newbie10 points11 points12 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]ReignOnYou954 points5 points6 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]NovemberinthechairFDS Disciple3 points4 points5 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]EffectiveHoneydew422FDS Newbie180 points181 points182 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]SoybeanApocalypseFDS Newbie55 points56 points57 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]KAT_85FDS Newbie37 points38 points39 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]ciellaviFDS Newbie[S] 12 points13 points14 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]tallwomenneedlovetooFDS Newbie35 points36 points37 points (8 children) | Copy Link
[–]PizzaNo7741FDS Newbie28 points29 points30 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]KAT_85FDS Newbie51 points52 points53 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]queen_beastmodeFDS Newbie35 points36 points37 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]CocoaangelFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]queen_beastmodeFDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]tallwomenneedlovetooFDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]KAT_85FDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]goldiebabyFDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[+][deleted] (1 child) | Copy Link
[deleted]
[–]musicallymirroredFDS Newbie35 points36 points37 points (17 children) | Copy Link
[+][deleted] (11 children) | Copy Link
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[–]Important_Page_6846FDS Newbie25 points26 points27 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]KAT_85FDS Newbie10 points11 points12 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]Important_Page_6846FDS Newbie10 points11 points12 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]KAT_85FDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Important_Page_6846FDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]fdsonlynoscrubsFDS Newbie9 points10 points11 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]musicallymirroredFDS Newbie9 points10 points11 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]fdsonlynoscrubsFDS Newbie12 points13 points14 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]WchijafmFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]goldiebabyFDS Newbie3 points4 points5 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]musicallymirroredFDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]jjlew922FDS Disciple7 points8 points9 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]PizzaNo7741FDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]Microwave79FDS Newbie8 points9 points10 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]souredskittlesFDS Disciple1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]PizzaNo7741FDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]idiosyncraticg1FDS Disciple1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]PizzaNo7741FDS Newbie-2 points-1 points0 points (0 children) | Copy Link