For a long time, I didn't understand that this was how it worked.

I recall two (ultimately disastrous) relationships I had where at the beginning, be it a few weeks or a couple of months, the guy seemed absolutely great. Charming, chivalrous, courting me, messaging me, inviting me... I thought, wow, this guy really likes me and look how great he is!

And when they suddenly stopped, I thought *I* had done something to cause this change. Surely they had started to get to know me and I had disappointed them somehow; they had started off thinking I was amazing and obviously didn't like me so much anymore. What had I done wrong? Had I been boring, not cool enough, not engaging enough? I would obsess over every interaction trying to pinpoint where I'd gone wrong. And in true pickmeisha fashion, I would try harder and harder to show them that I was indeed good enough.

I thought that if I only lived up to their expectations, if I was good enough, then they would like me again and go back to treating me like a queen as they did at the beginning.

Needless to say, that never worked. Granted, maybe they would make a tiny bit of effort when I was about to walk away, just enough to get me to come back, but they would quickly return to neglecting me. And I kept spinning, trying harder and harder, wondering why I never seemed to be good enough.

I have been seeing the same behavior in the guys I dated over the past few years (I always walked away after a couple of months max). The most amazing courting and lots of effort in the first couple of weeks and then, BAM, all gone suddenly. In fact, I am literally experiencing this right now, with the disappointment it entails.

And up until last December, my reaction was always to internalize this shift and shoulder the blame, thinking I must obviously have disappointed them as they got to know me. And it took me 33 years and finding FDS to finally grasp that I was COMPLETELY WRONG.

This has nothing to do with me. They are putting on a show at the beginning to hook women in and once they feel the prey is hooked, there's no need to anymore. And they revert to who they really are, their regular behavior. For YEARS I thought that their 'real self' was the nice behavior they displayed at the beginning, and that I just had to find a way to go back to that. Likely because I WANTED to believe that they really were that amazing. This is the instinct I have right now, too, because I'm so conditioned to think that way. And because I would really love to meet a guy who's actually amazing, so I want to believe I have.

But I finally realize that's not true at all. That great behavior was just an act. It's not who they consistently are and their shift has definitely NOTHING to do with me not being 'good enough'. I'm just no longer the novelty of the week they want to conquer, so they drop the act.

I feel silly for having taken SO LONG to realize something that now seems so blindingly obvious. So long idealizing these men and putting myself down for not being good or deserving enough. I'm not expecting to get rid of this conditioning overnight, but being finally aware of it and reminding myself of it every day is a huge step forward!