I used to think there was something wrong with me...

FUBARfromLSA · 2022-02-26T17:44:47+00:00

A lion does not ask permission before he eats a zebra.

Lions cannot talk, and zebras will not listen.

FDS means you are no longer a zebra.

goddessofspring_ · 2022-02-26T17:38:28+00:00

There are way too many abused women on this world.

The reason? Way too many abusive men existing and being pushed by media.

purasangria · 2022-02-26T18:26:30+00:00

Honey. I totally thought that I was doing something wrong, and that there was something wrong with me before I joined this sub. Then I learned that women all over the world, and in every culture were having the exact same experience.

It's not us, it's them. It's really, really, them.

imnotfitforexistence · 2022-02-26T19:05:31+00:00

Oh yes, I remember way before finding out about FDS how I used to think the problem was with me, like you just described.

Family members used to tell me I was bad at choosing men which added to the ideia it was my fault. BS. Those f*ckers know how to pretend to be normal and we were conditioned to overlook red flags from a young age.

That's what was actually happening back then.

I'm so glad I found this sub. I don't even remember in which sub I was when someone mentioned FDS but I'm so glad they did!

cute_fluffy_alpaca · 2022-02-26T18:41:10+00:00

It makes me sad when I think back on all the self-doubt and insecurity my younger self felt because of what you described in your post. Wish I could go back in time and tell her that it's not her, it's all the LVMs!

queenofswordsxxx · 2022-02-26T17:49:08+00:00

In the FDS podcast with Lundy Bancroft - he explicitly says that it’s never our fault, there’s just such a substantially large abusive scrote population 🤷🏻‍♀️

mashibeans · 2022-02-26T20:08:18+00:00

Yeah, the "common denominator" argument has been weaponized for victim blaming women in particular.

It really depends on the context, you can't just tell a victim "well you're the common denominator so YOU must be at fault, hurr durr!" when the vast majority of men WILL take advantage of the situation. This isn't like an asshole LVM abuser who goes around treating badly every single woman who gives him a chance, they get all fed up, and he calls them "crazy." This ain't the same situation AT ALL.

The very fact men try to abuse and rape (coerced sex IS rape in my book) women who are in need, homeless, poor, have mental issues, are FUCKING REFUGEES fleeing from their country???

Men are disgraceful.

IAteTheDragon · 2022-02-26T20:05:38+00:00

The same people who blame you for attracting horrible guys will be first to say "Why are you so hard on him, cut the poor guy some slaaack!" when you decide to carefully vet. They can stick their opinions where the sun don't shine 🚽

CautiousJuice9533 · 2022-02-26T21:39:01+00:00

I've always been attracted to educated men and every single one of them have told me they have no idea why women give most men the time of day. Men know exactly what they are doing.

I agree completely with OP, that FDS has been life changing in so many ways. I really think that its catching on too. A male colleague asked me recently why there are so many single women these days. I asked him if he had seen what single men are like. Without missing a beat, he agreed entirely.

nevermindtoday6 · 2022-02-26T18:25:06+00:00

Yep, it's just life in patriarchy unfortunately. They don't respect us and don't want to have to take care of themselves

butteryrum · 2022-02-26T20:39:07+00:00

The fact we all seem to be dating the same 3-5 men says a lot to me. I feel you.

And on other subreddits, hundreds of wonderful women who are in relationships with men who, instead of appreciating how lucky they are, treat those women like absolute garbage and don't value them or the relationship at all.

Nope you are not alone. Since the pandemic started I took a break from dating, and I'm not entirely ready yet to go back. But I can say I'm way more open to the idea of platonic life partners with other women. I just feel like in the presence of strong, happy women you just raise each other up so much more anyways. I feel like just about every man I ever dated dragged me down I just didn't realize it because our patriarchal society tried to tell me, "It's suppose to hurt like that!" no, it's not and if it does then I'd rather not participate.

Coconut975 · 2022-02-26T21:16:16+00:00

You are articulating everything I realized when I found FDS.

A shitty therapist I went to years ago tried to tell me it was my fault and it was because of something I gave off that attracted shitty men that when a man walks into a room who could tell who to prey on. I knew even then that that made no sense.

Commercial_Place9807 · 2022-02-27T00:26:11+00:00

This is actually one of the reasons I stopped seeing a therapist.

I was recovering from a bad breakup (he led me on for months, slept with me, and then “got scared”) anyway, my therapist (a woman) tried to convince me I have an anxious attachment style and it “scared him away.”

Bullshit. I have a healthy attachment style. I’m just not a chicken shit like most men who are afraid to commit.

askmeabouttheforest · 2022-02-26T18:59:07+00:00

I find it interesting how this "law of attraction" stuff is always pushed on the least powerful people in a situation. Like oh, no, don't seek to take control of your own life, above all don't restrict other people's access to you, and certainly don't start defending your boundaries or anything like that - just tHiNk hApPy ThOuGhTs instead and it'll all get fixed magically! Don't look at the reality in front of you, it's negative!

corago513 · 2022-02-26T23:13:48+00:00

The best advice I ever read was that... it's not that you only attract LVM, it's that LVM approach every woman. The question is, are you going to be a woman that settles for this type of man when he approaches you.

_cnz_ · 2022-02-27T00:08:17+00:00

I used to struggle with the same thing as well. I’m heavily into statistics and would gaslight myself into believing that I was the problem bc all the men I met were abusive. Before MeToo and FDS, I thought that they’re was some defect in my personality, such as having a lack of boundaries or assertiveness, so I’d constantly consume self help books and psychological resources to fix myself to avoid future trauma. I modeled my life into avoiding known interactions, behaviors, and places where abuse was likely.

Now, I realize what the missing statistics were: the majority of men were abusive and most women are abused several times in their lifetime and it’s not the result of some psychological damage. So many women have freakishly similar stories to me. It’s so freeing to understand that it’s not me, it’s them. And it’s always been them

Davina33 · 2022-02-26T20:46:30+00:00

Most men are trash. Men are the lucky ones because far more women are decent, loving and make great partners. I've only met one decent man myself, the good ones are hard to come by.

alpinepunch2021 · 2022-02-26T17:37:00+00:00

I think another really useful and obvious way to assess whether you're the problem (because that still is, in principle, possible - e.g. see most LV scrotes who can never hold down a relationship for more than like 6 months) is by just examining your friendships. Do you have no long term friends? Do you get all anxious or paranoid or clingy with them? Do they think you're an argumentative bitch or routinely try ignoring you? If not, then you're not the problem.

Remarkable-Ad-4758 · 2022-02-26T17:50:34+00:00

I cut off a ‘friend’ for continually allude to OH MY GOD NOT ANOTHER ONE, ‘How does this keep happening to you tee hee’, and the digger ‘I am surprised you are not in a mental hospital after attracting so many awful men’.

I ghosted her. Hard.

FDS was a lifesaver to me 14 months ago and I will be forever thankful for this group who made me realise it really was not ‘my energy’ and that if you look with a discerning eye at the majority of the males the woman you know are in relationships with - they are LVM. Especially the ones who brag on about meeting their LVM on Tinder.

warinmymind94 · 2022-02-26T19:52:43+00:00

Lvm like you described all want hv women. Everyone would rather have a luxury sports car rather than an old, rusty, barely functioning camry. So of course they are attracted to you and will still shoot their shot.

There's nothing wrong with you. I used to feel the same way and even with therapy, working on myself. Leveling up, I still attract lvm.

The difference now though is I notice that they seem more intimidated to approach me and even when they do they quickly realize I'm not interested

GeorgiaPeach_94 · 2022-02-26T21:10:10+00:00

Speaking of which, this post about statistics of abusive men:

https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/t26oj8/queen_jess_spitting_sad_facts_today/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

MsXxSelfDestructxX · 2022-02-27T03:54:42+00:00

I hate when we vent our complaints about the type of abusive men we tend to attractive the common thing for people to respond is "well maaaaybe ur the problem/common denominator". Do not think that every single little thing is your problem, it's not our responsibility to get people to act right, we are not out here policing every little thing a man does, if he doesn't act right, I'm out.

NotYourBizThrowAway · 2022-02-26T21:52:30+00:00

I realized this too from being apart of FDS. It’s validation. But they’ll still say “nOt AlL mEn” 🤦‍♀️

Playbackfromwayback · 2022-02-27T03:44:45+00:00

I love you OP and i love my sisters. Thank you all for opening my eyes- the problem is not me- it really, really is them.

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2022-02-27T08:57:11+00:00

I thought I had such hideous taste in men that I've sworn off them the past 3 years.

elainejay82 · 2022-02-28T03:51:56+00:00

Silly me did a bunch of "hard work" trying to delve deep and understand why I ended up in an abusive relationship.

There must be something wrong with me (her)?

How could I (she) not know?

You know what my big fuck up was??? What it really came down to? I was never taught red flags of abusers. I was never taught that MANY men are dangerous and therefore I did not do a stellar job of protecting myself and knowing red flags like the back of my hand because I was never told I would need this information. Nobody warned me about emotionally abusive men and how bad it can get nor did anyone teach me how to evade them. I learned a lot about physical protection throughout my life as in, be aware of your surroundings, etc. But nobody ever told me about manipulative scammers that are slicker than shit.

That's literally all there is to it. They don't only exist in movies and there are a fuck ton of abusive men amongst us. My only issue was not knowing this, not having the right skills to protect myself, and... trusting that most men are good and not terrible.

That was my big "problem." Puke. Essentially when I delved deep to figure out what was wrong me, the answer I came up with was "this is not my fault" and nothing has released me more from the pain acquired with being abused than that.

Not only that, but now I fuckin' KNOW and the wool won't be pulled over my eyes again. Scrotes are getting ruthlessly vetted and honestly it's insane how abusive MOST men are. I say this from what is now a level-headed perspective and not the perspective of an abused woman who recently got out of an abusive relationship when we can tend to be mistrustful of everyone and see abuse everywhere. I've leveled out, took the time alone, studied my family patterns upbringing etc. and I'm no longer affected by what happened to me. I sleep easy, have leveled up, etc. but I'm telling you, I see emotionally abusive bullshit against women almost everywhere still.

In sum, it's... say it with me... NOT OUR FAULT.

Title	I used to think there was something wrong with me...
Author	GeorgiaPeach_94
Upvotes	768
Comments	45
Date	February 26, 2022 5:30 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/t22cea/i_used_to_think_there_was_something_wrong_with_me/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-used-to-think-there-was-something-wrong-with-me.1102789 https://theredarchive.com/post/1102789

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