Thoughts on age gaps?

Cosima_Fan_Tutte · 2023-02-07T20:18:31+00:00

I don't have any moral concerns about age gaps, but I do have practical ones.

In addition to vetting him now, as many are rightly suggesting, it's good to be aware of things that could potentially come up up in the future: mismatched energy levels, mismatched libidos, mismatched desires to go out vs. stay in or slow down in life vs do adventurous things, and, eventually, mismatched health if he ends up declining first and you assume a caretaker role.

This stuff isn't noticeable at your ages because you're both young, and he's probably at his peak or just past it as man. However, 21 and 31 is different than 35 and 45. I'm sure someone will say none of this is a problem IF he eats right and lifts and watches his t levels and controls his stress, etc., etc. Which is all true, but ....that's a lot of ifs and ands for him to fulfill.

Ultimately, if he's a good man and the right man for you, I don't think these concerns are a deal breaker, but more like something you ought to be aware of (based on my marriage to a man who's 9 years older).

buni223 · 2023-02-07T19:52:04+00:00

(Super long omg sorry 😭) I pretty much exclusively talked to older guys from 18 to almost 22. My best friend dated a man 13 years older than her from 18 until 21ish. All these guys I’m mentioning were kind of into redpill stuff but not Andrew Tate or “plate” level. All wanted a traditional lifestyle, kids, to provide, etc. So this is where I’m coming from.

I don’t think you’re necessarily going to be abused. Like, it doesn’t always look like abuse. It looks more like losing out on a few years before realizing that maybe the age gap isn’t what you want for various reasons, or maybe he isn’t really serious about relationships the way he says he is and you find out later on. He is not the only 31 year old guy to prefer speaking to women in their early 20s; and honestly, if you ever hear guys talk when there are no women around, it has a lot to do with attraction obviously. The “aversion to career oriented women” that older guys throw out there (EVERY single one has said this to me btw lmao) is usually code for: “I wanted to wait until my 30s when I had amassed enough resources and improved myself to lockdown a young girl who I could easily mold to my liking.” And that’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s better to realize/understand this now rather than later.

Because if he really, seriously cared about being in a traditional, long term relationship with a woman who isn’t steeped in her career or whatever, I honestly don’t think he would have waited until 31 to lock down a 21 year old. I used to think people were being overly dramatic about this, or that it was just angry, jealous feminists trying to stop it from happening, but in this day and age, there is way more validity to the concerns than I ever imagined a few years ago.

I’m not even against age gaps. My parents have a 13 year age gap. My current bf is 5 years older (I’m 23). If we break up, I’d prefer to date 5-10 years older. But I think it’s important to keep it real lol. My best friend’s bf was HUGE on the traditional stuff, he created a very large, likeminded community around him, and he ended up leaving because he felt like she was a child he had to take care of, then knocked up a girl even younger than her 🤷🏻‍♀️ The older guys I talked to weren’t as insane but were dishonest about what they wanted. And at 18 to even my age, it’s really hard to see that in the moment. Just vet him properly and you should be fine.

Oh, and the issue with getting molded is like, for example, say you stay with him and he manipulates you into someone that you aren’t but you don’t have that self-awareness to figure it out until you’re 40, which may lead to a midlife crisis, or he manipulates you away from friends and family, or say he molds you to his liking and he leaves or you break up, whatever - now you’ve been groomed into another man’s ideal but you’re no longer with that man and have to unpack it all before you date someone else, therefore you have exaggerated baggage and good luck hiding it because that baggage comes out eventually. There are tons of examples of why it is dangerous ONLY because you never truly know until you “know”. For me, that means marriage. Long term, it means a lasting marriage. Not everyone is honest, and not everyone has your best intentions at heart, even when they say they love you.

My boyfriend “molded” me somewhat but I trust him and am taking that risk. Make sure you are willing to do the same because I don’t think you really understand the dynamic you’re walking into.

Scared-Tea-8911 · 2023-02-07T19:15:20+00:00

My husband and I happen to have a 9-year age gap. We met organically through work and did not know each others ages from the beginning. I thought he was 28-30, he thought I was 26-27 (which would have been a more “normal”, maybe slightly large but not “huge” age gap); I was really 23, and he was really 32.

(Edit to clarify: he was not my boss or in my reporting chain. That would have opened our relationship up to manipulation/control issues, as well as HR issues. We were in totally different departments, and only crossed paths occasionally as peers.)

Things to consider: 1. Are you done with school/working? Do you have your own place and the ability to live independently? If so, for how long have you been on your own? 2. Are you financially independent, or do you need him for money? 3. Does he have any influence over important things in your life - ie, is he your boss/landlord/banker/professor? 4. Did you meet organically? Did he know your age when you started dating, and did he seek out a large age gap, or did it “just happen”?

Someone who is 21, who works and has been living independently since they were 17, has their own apartment, and generally has their shit together is a lot different than someone who is 21, can’t afford to move out from home, and is dating their boss to try and pick up extra shifts. Not saying either of these is representative of your situation, but you can see how there is a very large variety of life experience that any given 21 year old could have. Without knowing the specifics of your situation, it is hard to give any really specific advice. 💕

General relationship things to look out for in a potentially controlling relationship… 1. Are you happy and feel free to be yourself? 2. Do you still spend time with family/friends outside the relationship? 3. Does he look through your phone/social media or try to control your access to communication? 4. Does he limit or control your access to finances/money, or your ability to get finances/money (ie, your job)? 5. Do other people get a specific creepy vibe from him, outside of knowing his age or the age gap? 6. Does he make an effort to get to know your friends and family? 7. Is he kind to animals, kids, or vulnerable people like the elderly/infirm? 8. Has he ever caused you to feel unsafe, or attempted to physically intimidate or control you?

These are all potentially controlling red flags to watch for as you go forward… but generally, as long as you are happy and well, and have enough life experience to understand what you are getting into, age gap relationships can work and can be very healthy/fulfilling. 🥰

worldlysentiments · 2023-02-07T19:04:56+00:00

Let me put this empirically, there IS; as much as people want to say “it’s about love etc etc”, science behind longevity of relationships and age gaps. Under 5 years for an age gap is ideal. Anything above 5, and approaching 10 years increasing your chances of divorce by a good percentage. Couples under 3 years difference have the least amount of chance to be divorced. Of course there is other things at play here; education gaps also tend to lead to more divorce. Children, etc etc.

But why? One thing is to consider; life stages. Someone at 21 and someone at 31 are entering much different social, cultural, personal segments of their lives. Being 31, you likely are established somewhat, your frontal lobe is solid, you have a career/ stable hobbies/ friendships that are tried and true. At 21, you are learning, exploring, trying to finish growing your brain, there’s a lot at stake. Someone can say, I’m mature for 21, but are you in the same place as someone who’s 31.. and vice versa?

Being 31 now, I could not imagine even being deep friends with a 21 year old. My brother is 21 and I stg he is like a tadpole in the span of human life lol. No offense to you, I was also 21 once. Unfortunately you can’t see the difference until you’re the upper age and look back.

On the topic of “is he creepy”, I guess I would ask, what does he have in common with you that he can’t find in 30 year olds? What about a relationship with a 21 year old works for him? That is probably where he is lacking either emotionally or socially or career wise. Yes there is the off chance it’s none of those but; I digress.

A 31 year old man might say “well she’s very laid back” …Is she laid back or is she 21 with no real experience with men to make a solid determination as to what’s realistic to expect from a guy? Stuff like that.

My note on your statement “I just want to be loved and cared about”. I would challenge you to think about what else you want in a relationship? A partnership? Love and care are supposed to be a given. Looking for that in an older person is not a necessity, there are men your age, or even 24 years of age who have the character to love and care for you in addition to being in your generation lol.

Astroviridae · 2023-02-07T19:16:20+00:00

It's a case by case basis. My husband and I met at that those same exact ages. He admitted to me that he originally was worried that I'd be too immature for a successful relationship. I never felt anything was off about him, and neither did my family or friends.

What do the people in your life think is creepy about your relationship? Were you underage when you first met? Does he only date young girls, play games, or make unreasonable demands? If their only objection is the age difference, I would not weigh their opinions heavily.

Wife_and_Mama · 2023-02-07T19:55:06+00:00

Ten years is a lot right now, but I'd be even more concerned if he's into RP and deliberately sought someone so much younger. There's a higher chance his intentions aren't entirely pure and that he might have chosen you because he finds you more malleable than women his own age. It's also possible he's just looking to have a good time and is telling you what you want to hear. Those ideas aren't outlandish regardless, but much of the content you'll find in the RP sphere encourages both.

As for the age gap itself, I agree with u/worldlysentiments that you'll likely struggle to find common ground. I get that he doesn't want to date a 31-year-old, because she'll likely want to get married and have kids much faster, will have more baggage, etc., but he could date a 26-year-old instead. Twenty-one is really young for a 31-year-old and it does seem somewhat predatory. There's a lot of personal growth and maturity that happens in your early 20s and seeking out someone who hasn't gone through that yet is concerning. If you two met organically and he's not deliberately looking for younger women, though, I do think that changes things.

AgreeableAd7689 · 2023-02-07T19:02:09+00:00

I recently had this debate. I won’t advise anyone to do something I wouldn’t encourage my daughter to do. That’s too much of an age gap for me to not think it’s creepy. He knows too much and you know too little. It’s easy to be manipulated for years until you realize you’re not being manipulated. I’ve always heard that men want younger naive women to “mold”

But it should be that men want younger (not too young) but younger than him (2-3 max 5) years younger to LEAD not mold. To influence but not manipulate. To have as a partner not an accessory to his life.

zaftig_stig · 2023-02-07T21:08:54+00:00

I was married to someone almost 9 years older for almost 20 years. It wasn't creepy at all, but I will tell you my observations:

the age gap wasn't a big deal for a long time, similar personalities/interests and we both looked younger than we were. We met at 18/27, married at 22/30
I started feeling the age gap at about 35. Also I'm a night owl and he's a morning person. (This can have a huge impact on your sex life)
Statistically, the likelihood of divorce goes up exponentially with age gaps greater than +/- 4-5 years apart. The greater the gap the higher % of divorce.
At your ages now, the age gap isn't as impactful. It's in the later years that it really hits. Of EVERY relationship with an age gap of people I know, I see major discontent in the younger partner, male & female of every couple, except one, that I haven't checked in with.

Things that can mitigate age differences -

being on the same 'clock' (both morning people or night owls),
similar energy/activity levels (some would say this is more important than an age gap, but age that still comes into play later on in life, just delays it probably.)

In one couple that I'm close to that will prob end up divorced soon, age is a huge factor, but what confuses me about them, they dated for like 8 years, he's younger, and he is so resentful now. I just keep thinking, you didn't know this would become an issue later on?!?!"

LocalCap5093 · 2023-02-07T22:41:18+00:00

Im in a class rn so I’ll be short for the moment- my first relationship was 18me and 29 him. I stayed until I was 23 and honestly, once I tried dating people my age it made it really hard because it’s just two different worlds. Rn I have a 5 yrs age gap (I’m 26) and it’s amazing. Like we get each other but there are still some differences (I’m talking generation wise) so it still feels somewhat traditional.

If I was you, I’d honestly wouldn’t recommend menú in their 30’s until youre at least 24

youllknowwhenitstime · 2023-02-07T19:06:46+00:00

Nothing in this makes sense. What is he doing to make your friends think he's creepy? Why are you unsure whether or not he would make an abusive partner? What does changing ages mean; are you saying you think he's lying and could be even older?

This doesn't sound like an age gap question, because you're old enough decade age gaps aren't in and of themselves creepy, and obviously whether or not someone will be abusive has nothing to do with their age. This sounds like a really basic how do I figure out whether or not a guy is a good guy question. In which case, you need to talk about how long you've been seeing him and what you do to vet guys.

Christly_cutie · 2023-02-07T19:43:30+00:00

Honestly I don’t think anything is wrong with age gaps as long as it’s legal, consensual, and loving. Most divorces are between people closer within age anyway.

Men wanting younger women isn’t just a “molding” thing but it’s also for youth and fertility. Many men want children that seek relationship and younger women have better fertility than older women. Also younger women are less traumatized most of the time compared to older women. Less trauma means less stress for men. They don’t have to play therapist, because we all know men aren’t always the best when it comes to women’s emotional stuff lol. There’s a reason why therapists has licenses.

Also being you doesn’t always mean being easier to manipulate mentally but they haven’t established as much solidarity in their lives such as where they live if career wise so it’s easier for the couple when they have to make decisions on where to move if needed or making other greater life decisions. It’s always best to have a balance of fluidity and rigidity within a relationship. Is both are one or the other it’s a bit harder to have stability in the relationship.

From a biblical stand point. Women are meant to be more adaptable and complementary to a man Genesis 2:18. Where as the man is the head of the household Ephesians 5:23. Think about it like this, it makes more sense for the employee to choose who their boss is going to be and adjust to that particular bosses rules in stead of the boss molding themselves and their rules to every single employee individually. Structure is best with the person in the charge and the person following is better off being flexible with change.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2023-02-08T01:36:02+00:00

I'm just so scared of being abused because of all the horror stories I hear.

Soooo as an older man who age-gap dates - and by a lot more than 10 years - let me give you some perspective.

You can be "abused" by a young guy just as easily as by an older man. Most older men are going to be calmer, more patient, NOT fly off the handle or get jealous for no reason, etc. People LOVE to have OPINIONS about age gap relationships. Often times this is a product of their own biases and such. A older woman who dates a younger man is a "cougar" and they make TV series about it. A man dates a younger woman "OMG! PREDATOR! SEX TRAFFICKER! ABUSER! SKEBARRRRG!"

If two people are happy, then they are happy. To me, 10 years isn't that big of a gap (full disclosure: I age gap date by FAR more than that, but I also teach my girls about life, finances, take them on cultural trips and such. Once their parents get over my age, they are usually quite happy about things). So judge your man by his ACTIONS. Don't let other people dose you up on evil spirits because they have their own agendas.

NotoriousJez · 2023-02-07T20:51:48+00:00

All imma say is a man who is purposefully chasing after women younger than him is a RED FLAG. My current boyfriend was gonna curve me because of my age because he had a rule of no one younger than 22 and he’s 29. I’m 20 though but he liked my mindset and I don’t “act 20”

Only you know if the guy you’re with is hyper fixating and glorifying the age difference. Was he taken aback when you told him? Is he controlling at all? Like look at everything before you commit because you can’t know for sure he’s not an extremist until you guys get really committed

Moovmntstudnt · 2023-02-08T01:56:23+00:00

Anecdotally, I started dating my husband when I was 21 and he was 31. We have a family now and I am lucky enough to stay home and care for our baby right now.

Neither of us read anything Red Pill when we met. I was just attracted to an older guy who was incredibly wise and comforting, and he had his reasons for liking me.

RedPillDad · 2023-02-08T00:25:03+00:00

Crabs in feminism's hoe bucket are going to shame you no matter what. You're not supposed to win with a man, you're supposed to be alone, angry and miserable like them.

My wife is 3 years older but she got shamed for being a traditional, feminine woman. Even by own sisters. Create an anti-gravity bubble around your relationship, where the crabs can't pull you back down.

Mister_Badger · 2023-02-07T21:43:57+00:00

Imo a 10 year age gap is nothing. No one will think it’s weird when you’re 81 and he’s 91. The real question is: are there other good reasons that you or your loved ones have to be concerned about him? People may have an intuition about him but not know how to put it into words exactly.

officialtortiseshell · 2023-02-07T20:06:45+00:00

These are all women’s views on an age gap as it is r/redpillwomen. But it must be noted that these are feminine views and their is a completely different subset of views from the opposite sex, as we are not the same.

The creepy narrative is spread by envious naysayers not too happy seeing high value men choose the far superior product over them, which is a young woman. Nothing is more valuable than a woman’s age, as no matter how beautiful you are, a 6.9 19 year olds is infinitely more valuable than a 7.5-8.8 woman. If you can’t grasp that then congratulations, you’re a straight woman.

Yes there are predators out there, just as much as there are bank robbers. They are easily spotted and if you are manipulated or taken by one of these you are to blame for lack of awareness and intuition.

The comment above speaking on life stages and divorce rates is extremely valuable as these are the two things that women and men can agree upon. A 31 year old man is not going to be psyched about sleeping on the floor in his hoodie at some house party, just like how you could only take so many ‘quiet nights in’ before you’re ready for a new partner.

There’s no standard, there’s no book. If it works, it works.

privated1ck · 2023-02-07T22:10:52+00:00

Has he met your parents? I'd value their opinions.

Wise138 · 2023-02-08T04:05:47+00:00

This topic is odd considering that from ~1975 & back no one batted an eye towards this gap. It is only recently. Now you are too young. After ~32 it really doesn't matter.

AutoModerator · 2023-02-07T18:25:13+00:00

Title: Thoughts on age gaps?

Full text: I'm 21F, unsure about continuing things with a 31M because of how many people in my life are insisting it is super creepy. We both seem to prefer more traditional dating roles, and I like a lot about him. If I knew it was going to be a healthy relationship I'd be thrilled about the age gap. I'm just so scared of being abused because of all the horror stories I hear. You also hear about abusers completely changing *ages* into a relationship... I'm okay with mild power dynamics in the traditional sense if they're consensual and loving. I would actually like that. But I don't want to be abused. I think he's mildly into redpill stuff himself because he follows some of those accounts (though he's not an extremist). I'm also not hardcore into the redpill, but it's something I do generally believe in, and I try to model traditional feminine qualities. And I want to be a mother and a housewife and have a very traditional role in that way. I just also want to be loved and cared about.

What is the general philosophy towards that? Has anyone had experience with that?

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BestWesterChester · 2023-02-08T00:54:51+00:00

Age gaps mean less as people get older, due to the math and the nature of human life experience. I think we would all agree that 21 and 11 would be, not just creepy and illegal, but wrong in so many ways. How about 26 and 16…still really messed up. How about 27 and 17…you see where I’m going here. By 31, men and women both will have: experience with dating, finished college, started a career, in other words, gotten a lot of experience in the world with other adults. Do you think you’re mature enough to handle that disparity? There’s also really good data that people’s personalities aren’t really formed until they’re 25. Best of luck to you.

SakuraEmpire · 2023-02-08T00:29:40+00:00

Sorry if I spoke w bad english because i'm sick af right now and only had 6 hours of sleep last night. I'm 18F currently dating a guy who's 23 and is in the navy. We have no problems pursuing this relationship infact this relationship is way better and less problematic than what I had before. My ex is a few months younger than me and thinking about it back he was extremely immature and is really problematic. Whereas the guy Im currently dating w is the complete opposite although we both have some drawbacks in our relationship such as different goals and such but we don't let them disturb our relationship.

So to conclude as long as ur both above 18 I don't think there's anything wrong w it, infact in my opinion i think it's better to date a guy older than you. But not too old also. But IMO ur current relationship should work out.

Title	Thoughts on age gaps?
Author	plzdontstalkmeCrzyX
Upvotes	20
Comments	74
Date	February 7, 2023 6:25 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/10w928k/thoughts_on_age_gaps/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/thoughts-on-age-gaps.1151591 https://theredarchive.com/post/1151591

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