Problems with my Guy's Weight

pennynotrcutt · 2017-05-04T19:49:00+00:00

Let's be honest and admit that "reminding" is another word for "nagging." I used to do this too in other things and rationalize it that it was a reminder and not nagging, but it is. No one wants to be treated like a child, especially the person we are supposed to look to as our Captain. Even though you know that being overweight is unhealthy, you CANNOT control someone else's behavior. Either accept this man as he is, fat or thin, and have faith in his ability to do what he needs to do or if you can't, leave. To me, it's just that simple.

RubyWooToo · 2017-05-04T20:38:17+00:00

First, your constant nagging and pressure is going to cause resentment. You're not his mother and he's not a 6-year-old. Keep talking to him like that and the only weight he's going to lose will be 110 lbs of bitchy ex-girlfriend.

Second, you need to understand that him grabbing a cupcake after working out isn't a character failing on his part. When you're trying to lose weight, your body is actively working against you to keep your weight on by increasing your appetite (and depending on how drastic your weight loss efforts) slowing your metabolism so weight is harder to take off. See this article in NYTimes about why Biggest Loser Candidates pack on pounds after the leave the show.

Third, try to make his fitness journey as fun as possible. Fuck him silly or give him a blowjob after he gets back from the gym or his walk. Join him for his walks. Try different outdoor activities that he might enjoy, like sports, swimming or kayaking. Go for hikes that are his level.

Last, don't focus on his belly during sex. Grab his shoulders, his ass, and look into his face. The happier and more confident he feels, the more incentive he will have to take care of himself.

vanBeethovenLudwig · 2017-05-04T20:25:01+00:00

My father let himself go when they married. He was stressed at work and ate for comfort. My mom nagged at him for over a decade.

Once she stopped nagging and giving a shit, he began losing weight on his own accord. Now my mom is the fat one.

Everyone will have some kind of "vice" whether it's laziness, gluttony, lust, etc. You're probably perfect in your fitness/health but I'm sure you're not perfect in other ways.

Kara_El · 2017-05-05T01:58:25+00:00

Everyone seems to be advising you to let him do him and yes, that's good advice, but consider that he might never get to a level of fitness you don't resent or find unattractive. Can you handle that? We all have dealbreakers and if fitness is yours, that's okay.

crushedants · 2017-05-04T21:19:09+00:00

As a male, i feel for you. Im big into fitness and i could imagine the exact same exasperation developing if I saw my girlfriend not being able to help herself. The robotic addiction to food would eventually enrage me too. I also feel for you getting all these "don't nag" comments from women who probably don't know what it's like to live a fit lifestyle.

I don't think you're being a "nag", you're just being reasonable and very helpful. Maybe try make him see food differently. For example, if he is great during the week he can have a cheat meal. Or, calorie rich tasty food is an occasional reward. You don't reward yourself and spike your dpoemean for nothing.

Also, never underestimate the power of peer pressure. I've made several of my friends take up gym just be being friends with me and realising how fat and weak they are. Maybe you could try couple-friend a fit couple?

At the end of the day, it isn't just about attraction, but lifestyle. He's getting in the way of your lifestyle. That's a big compatibility issue.

Are his family fat too? Behavioural things regarding food can be very very improbable to reverse if they are deeply engrained. I only know of one fat person my whole life that has managed to completely reverse their lifestyle and never look back...

destinationjourney · 2017-05-04T19:42:41+00:00

I dated someone like this and I felt all the same frustrations. He was aslo in better shape when we got together, and let himself go. I was always fit so it was difficult to relate. I got especially upset at his complaints related to being overweight, then seeing him do things that would not help the issue. It affected my attraction, and I was frustrated that I couldn't do anything about it. So I get it.

That said, WOW do you need to get your shit together. No matter how angry you are about this, you need learn some restraint. You cannot rant things like "Why the fuck would you get a sandwich"! You are not his mother and you are not him. He is your partner and you are showing him zero respect, which is not going to help your attraction issues at all.

I would hope you know all this already since reading RPW, but this is something you have to work on. Regarding your boyfriend, you have to let it go. Give him support, be a good partner, and then STFU! Seriously. Be supportive, offer help, but stop the critisism and stop judging his choices. Having a soft, happy, supportive girlfriend is way more likely to encourage change than making him feel like a failure.

If he ends up not being able to stick with the diet and you find your attraction is too affected, then you may have to consider leaving this relationship. You can't change people, and you shouldn't be trying to. He is who he is. You don't have to stay with or accept that, but don't wear yourself out trying to control him or his behaviour.

cynicalhousewife · 2017-05-05T16:22:42+00:00

I don't think it's your job to change him. Either accept him as he is, which I don't think you can do, or move along. Maybe you are better off finding a man who has no history of being overweight and is disciplined and heavily opinionated about the subject like you are. I think if it's so bad that it's effecting your sex life and making you get angry with him all the time this is a compatibility issue.

sweetbbjayne · 2017-05-04T20:26:54+00:00

I honestly don't blame you for being so upset. I take fitness very seriously and would never be with someone who doesn't take great care of their body. Being in good shape is not a plus for me, it's an expectation. Being overweight is a slippery slope, because it is very easy for a person to go from being 30 lbs overweight and then 5 years later they weigh 300lbs without knowing what they did wrong. If he is on that path of becoming that, it's possible that's who you may be married to in the future. If it is affecting your relationship that much, I would recommend having a frank conversation with him about it. If he still continues his undisciplined ways, consider whether or not he really is the right partner for you. You deserve someone who you are sexually attracted to.

testmypatience · 2017-05-04T19:00:12+00:00

He is not you. Don't treat him like he is.

Yes it's important to support your partner and encourage them in the right direction but it is influence and not force that should be used. If normal not nagging influence works then ok. If not then that's all you can do before you start hurting things.

Don't do x is a command.

Do x is a command.

Influence by conversation to do things like get better food at the store or something is helpful.

Can't force change. Only influence it. When pressure becomes too much it is detrimental and not useful to your hopes.

MsSadieDunham · 2017-05-05T14:53:25+00:00

Right or wrong, there is a good chance this will always be a bone of contention in your relationship. Can you live with it? Just like men can't will themselves to be attracted to fat SJW's with blue hair, you can't will yourself to be attracted to your BF. No amount of submitting will make that happen. There's no right or wrong answer to this question. If you can't, find someone else, it does no one any good for you to be in this relationship. So you need to figure out if this is a deal breaker or not, and if it isn't you need to accept him wholeheartedly .

ShameSpirit · 2017-05-04T21:46:18+00:00

Male here. I once went through exactly what you're describing. I put on over 70 pounds in 18 months and after 9 months of hard work I'm almost back to where I started. I will say that what prompted my weight loss is the end of a very long relationship.

But, that's not the point. There are a few factors here that were significant for me that no one around me seemed to recognize, including myself. After some introspection, I dealt with these problems and dropped the pounds. Here are some things to think about:

-He could be depressed. Depression can make you forget logic and just seek immediate gratification. Hence things like getting a sandwich vs eating what you made him.

-He could he dealing with some sort of baggage that he's hiding from you. Maybe he's sad about something or nervous about the future. These things can be difficult for men to process effectively and often come out as poor decision making.

-Maybe he's worried about your relationship. Perhaps not even consciously. This was the big one for me.

I think the remedy to all of these is communication, team work, and commitment. Double check that the two of you are communicating effectively. Can he say what he really feels? Are you able to make him understand what you're seeing and feeling?

HB3234 · 2017-05-05T16:24:52+00:00

I hate to say this but, youre establishing a mother-son dynamic and feeding so much resentment that it will likely squash your attraction to him even if he turns into all abs and chiseled muscle.

Do you live together?

_Vi_999 · 2017-05-07T23:45:55+00:00

Sorry I'm late. I'm in a similar situation. When I met my boyfriend he was overweight but he was also sweet, confident and good in bed. I felt in love with him and didn't care. I was in college at the time so I didn't have the time to cook (also didn't know). He cooked our meals.. 1.5 years later I had 20kg extra.

It took me 2.5y to lose that and his friends started to make jokes about it. "You look great Vi, when will you lose weight too bf?" Or they would just touch his belly. (He told me later that he felt depressed when people would do/say that)

And I started to see and feel the same frustrations (cried, passive aggressive, no attraction...)

I told him that we should be healthy together but at first he didn't want to do anything. I was nagging and really no good girlfriend at the time I admit. It wasn't a good time in our relationship, I didn't have support from anyone (friends/family) they said that I just should accept him.

Until one day something happened in my mind I don't know what. I changed the way I was talking to him. We had a conversation and I told him how worried I was about the weight because of healthy issues (his family has problems with weight, heart problems, cancer..)

I woke up everyday early to make his smoothie. His lunch and dinner were always on time. I went to run 5/6x a week with him, he tried to stop with the running but I was always saying how much I loved to run with him, how I appreciated our time together... I believe that his body started to like and crave the exercise, he had more energy, more focus, the sex changed too. (For the better). I stopped with any kind of nagging, I was in his team 100%. He started to change after 3 months.

I woke up one morning and he was gone, while I was having breakfast he came back from a morning run. It was the first time that he did one alone because he just felt like it. then he went swimming with a friend or to a motorcycle ride with another friend (he never did these in 4 years), he started to buy different veggies so we could try, he started to cook healthy meals, he bought weights ... This was almost 2 years ago.

He lost 10kg and got some muscles, he still needs to lose 10/15kg(?) but in the last 18 months we moved to another country, lived in 4 different houses and started a business. So we were kind of busy. But we just bought a dog and he wants to run with the dog now that we are more stable with a house. We did try to eat right and do walks during this time and it worked because we missed doing this together. Also my boyfriend had no idea how to eat or exercise, he didn't grow up like that so it was strange for him to be healthy. (He had no support from friends and family)

Don't gave up on him, try to be nice and positive. Don't fight or argue about cupcakes or candy. You cant control him. He controls himself.

He told me later that once he was used to eat right, some junk food wasn't so tasty anymore. And that he felt alive after running. Once he even tried to have sex on the corn field during one of ours runs LOL

nonthaki · 2017-05-04T20:07:42+00:00

Does he work i.e. job ? If so, give the man a break . .. Let him enjoy a little cause snacking up for him could help as a temporary happiness/high after the drudgery of week . ...Just tell him to try to go through days of not eating junk food/beer/sweets followed by 1 day of eating any of them i.e. like a Treat. Follow this pattern. Its far too much to expect a man to completely give up beer and delights within a few days :~) . ..

anothergoodbook · 2017-05-04T21:39:18+00:00

Being a wife who is overweight (and could give plenty of excuses) and was 30 pounds lighter when we got married 10 years ago. My husband has only ever commented on my weight as a concern for health. If I complain about it to him, however, he isn't overly sympathetic and basically says unless I am doing something about it - he'd rather not hear me complain.

My husband has plenty of irritating habits. I used to be annoyed with them (biting his nails, not calling HIS family regularly, not eating very healthy - he is fit because he works a very demanding job, not because he eats well so on and so forth). I keep my mouth shut. They are his choice. I tend to eat lower carb and begged him to diet with me and I would just make all his meals... then when he would drink a soda at work (he felt like he needed to apologize to me!) I would be so disappointed and upset. But quite frankly, it isn't my place. He never asked for my help to start with. And since we are in this for the long haul, we out up with the things we don't like as much and focus on the things we do.

I tend to be an action person and like to find resolution quickly instead of letting something go on and on. So if I were you I would back off completely. If he asks you to make his lunch than do it. I wouldn't offer to make it for him l. If you aren't around to police his eating and he eats however he wants, then it isn't as important to him. Otherwise - is this the hill you want to die on? Is this the deal breaker for you?

vitringur · 2017-05-05T07:01:32+00:00

Make him face his own goals and reach them on his own. Do not micro manage his life.

If he wants a sandwich, he should be able to make up his own mind of if he should get that sandwich, without worrying about you throwing a fit because you insisted on cooking for him.

Maybe this is a journey that he needs to take more on his own and you should let him, only to provide healthy checks and balances instead of doing it for him or making him worry about how you feel about the whole thing.

Should he be worried about his own weight, or how you feel about it?

Nyquil-Junkie · 2017-05-05T15:55:57+00:00

Well you are nagging him but, consider that his is committing slow suicide by setting himself up for diabeeetus and a heart attack.

Have him go get a screening for the diabeeetus bitch. His hunger and cravings, and lack of motivation could be simple symptoms of the diabetes.

Or he could just be lazy and DGAF.

Put it to him this way... You are fat. You are unhealthy. You do it by choice. Change and enjoy life with me, or at some point I will have to leave, as I do not want to be a wet nurse for a blind diabetic amputee who is 470 lbs rotting on a couch.

Pick your poison, big boy.

hpsiequalsepsi · 2017-05-04T19:55:46+00:00

Stop nagging. You sound like a controlling shrew. If he wants to take care of himself, then he will: he is a man. If you don't like it, then leave.

Have you shown some appreciation for his efforts? He can't lose 20 pounds overnight and everyone has to do things at their own pace. Just because it's not in line with what you would do doesn't mean it's wrong. If you were actually RPW, you would let him lead and stop pretending that you know his body better than he does.

BlackDogOfDublin · 2017-05-04T21:38:25+00:00

Thanks for the responses, some a little fairer than others.

For the record, it's not like I'm walking up to him and yelling "LOSE WEIGHT YOU FAT FUCK" and disappearing. I spend hours showing him how to lift, I always make sure his workout clothes are ready, I trawl through recipes to fit his tastes and allergies and go out of my way to get the ingredients for them, I make sugar-free versions of everything for him and buy him loads of fitness books.

I acknowledged fully in my original post that I DO nag him about this one particular aspect of our relationship and make no excuse for it. Neither of us enjoy it and that's why I'm here. It's not like I'm demanding someone come and rid me of my boyfriend. I wouldn't be on this subreddit if I didn't give a shit about him and my behaviour towards him. No need for the name-calling and assumptions.

sitkafog · 2017-05-06T15:21:49+00:00

I feel sorry for your husband. Constantly shaming him isn't support

Guy_Gardener · 2017-05-09T21:17:44+00:00

Offer him a BJ for every 10 pounds he loses.

Title	Problems with my Guy's Weight
Author	BlackDogOfDublin
Upvotes	8
Comments	55
Date	May 4, 2017 6:48 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/699h4j/problems_with_my_guys_weight/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/problems-with-my-guys-weight.87268 https://theredarchive.com/post/87268

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