Recently married and questioning everything. Unsure where to go from here.

RubyWooToo · 2017-11-21T15:25:52+00:00

I remember your post and was hoping for an update... I'm sad for you and your husband. You're not the only one who's trapped; unbeknownst to him, he's now married to a woman who isn't in love with him.

The only further advice I can offer you (not that I expect you will take it) is to not have children. You made a bad choice for yourself; don't make things worse by making bad choices for others.

onacasserole · 2017-11-21T07:54:54+00:00

I think you need to explore why you ignored your natural intuition as well as the third party advice you got here.

Rivkariver · 2017-11-21T14:53:58+00:00

I suggest the book First, Kill All The Marriage Counselors by Laura Doyle. I don't know if it's a magic bullet but it certainly won't hurt you.

TheLaughingRhino · 2017-11-24T07:48:47+00:00

You don't have to answer this here, of course, but the question presents itself.

Have you recently met someone ( not your husband) who , as you say, "intrigues you, inspires you, attracts you" ?

Apply the Golden Rule here. How would you feel if you really wanted to be with someone, and they were reluctantly with you? They felt "unfulfilled and unsatisfied"?

My observation and experience is when a woman wants to leave a monogamous committed relationship, she starts to look for reasons to do so. If the guy hasn't done anything egregious to focus on, then she'll start to dig harder and nitpick a bit. Then she will withdraw and eventually the guy will crack and then it's "Aha, there you are, you withdrew!" and then the reason appears.

I'm going to be blunt, it doesn't sound like you are looking for answers as much as you are looking to build up the needed resentment to leave. Sounds like, to start, he's not giving you too much to start to work with in that regard. As you say, he's hardworking, faithful and he's trying.

If you don't want to be married to someone and it's clear, leave. It doesn't have to be more complicated than that. Yes, the fallout is complicated ( socially, finances, living situations, etc) but all that is going to happen is you are burning time out for both of you. Time for you to move on, time for him to move on.

If the situation was reversed, if he was reluctant and you were all in, how would you want him to treat you. What would you want him to do? What do you think would be "doing right by you"? Whatever that would be, do that yourself right now. Treat him in the manner that you would want to be treated if the situation was reversed.

Staying any longer than the next minute,is a disservice to yourself. It's a disservice to him. And it's a disservice here to every woman here on this subreddit who wishes to be First Mate and married at some point. Every story like this, a guy goes to work, his friends see it, his coworkers see it, his neighbors see it, and as these stories add up, more men decide to just not get married. No one grows up as a guy and says, Yeah, forget marriage. Men don't work that way. They don't think that way. Most men are socialized at work. And most men who are pushing to get ahead see other guys getting hammered in divorces, getting left, getting cheated on ( I'm not saying all men are blameless either, many men out there are douchebags in their own right) and decide any kind of commitment/marriage is just a plan to suffer.

Do yourself a favor. If you don't respect someone, the relationship is "over", when it "ends" is a different story. Your relationship is "over" You want to be all in, and if you are not, then you are all out. There isn't a middle ground. Do him a favor. Set him free. Let him find someone who will be all in for him. Do every woman in this subreddit a favor, don't poison the well for them by creating a cautionary tale and a force multiplier for the cost of the modern marriage.

I could ease off the gas pedal here a little, but I won't. Because it serves no one to do so.

Stop looking for the ingredients for the resentment you need to leave. Start looking for an immediate exit. It's gonna cost at some level, because it always cost, the question is how much it's gonna cost. The longer you wait, the more it costs everyone, you most of all.

Good luck.

lord-denning · 2017-11-22T02:34:31+00:00

This is a stab in the dark as we don't have enoug facts, but looking at this stereotypically I would say you are rightfully trying to suppress your own hypergamous nature and desire to 'trade up'.

Of course no one should be in a relationship that does not make them happy, but please think to what degree something small would give you the shift you seek?

For example try to imagine any of the following. Do any of these happen in your relationship? If not, they are missing I would say. If these did happen would they strike a chord if they did:

(a) he helps you around the house by lifting some heavy boxes and you realize he has been working out over past few months. You try to resist staring at his ripped forearms and peeking at his butt but can't suppress the urge;

(b) he is on the phone with his office/work and all of a sudden takes on a harsh tone. You see his shoulders broaden as he reprimands a subordinate. You realize he is a leader at work and he explains later he has been promoted. You are suprised however to find out that he has a steely and somewhat dark aggressive side that seemed to come out in this situation;

(c) he is taking you for a fancy dinner and it seems there is a mixup and there are no tables for a number of people. He skillfully gets a better table for you by smoothly dealing with the restaurant people. You catch other people eyeing you both appreciativelay for his skill in getting a table when others could not;

(d) continuation of part (c) - during your dinner he starts eyeing you with a grin and you realize his mind is on something else...all of a/b/c above has happened during the same day and it has been a lot to take in. Despite yourself you find your body responding and you realize you cannot wait to get back home.

If this feeling of adventure / discovery is not in your relationship, then you are right to think something is missing because it is. However the good news is this is easily correctable and you are right not to move quickly.

irontiddies · 2017-11-21T05:00:13+00:00

Do not feel guilty. I know how hard those feelings are hard to suppress, and that's because they shouldn't be. We all seek out different things in life that we feel make us happy. Some value spontaneity, some security (like yourself), and the list goes on and on. In my opinion, happiness can be looked at in two ways. Long term and short term. Think about the decisions you've made in life, and what type of happiness they contribute to. If your husband makes you happy now by providing you a level of comfort and security, what will happen a year from now, or five, or ten? If there is a degree of fun and flirtiness added to the marriage, a spark reignited perhaps, would you stay forever? I think that this is an issue that needs to be solved without much outside interference. Only you can know your own values. Do not feel selfish for the decisions you have made, sometimes we do not know ourselves as well as we think we do, and it is only through the decisions we make that we can see what truly matters to us.

On a more personal note, I've been in the same shoes as you, not quite as serious, but I was there. I had an extremely low self confidence (even lower than now) as I had just lost a lot of weight. I didn't know my value, and I dated a man who treated me well, but I never had feeling for. I had never experienced male attention, and he took well enough care of me. I felt trapped in a sense, because he never did anything wrong. I stayed with him for 9 months before I worked up the courage to end things, and for me personally, it was the best decision I've ever made. I am with a man I love now, hopefully someone I will be with for the foreseeable future. Good Luck, and I sincerely hope you find peace soon.

plantbasedfoodie · Tue Nov 21 9:29:07 2017 UTC

Do you want kids? Do you want this man to be the father of your hypothetical future children?

mrpthrowa · 2017-11-21T16:05:45+00:00

60 years ago when women were confined to the home and there weren't that many opportunities to hook up I would've said stay put, eventually you'll grow into each other.

Now? with this unhealthy bottling of unsatisfactory and guilt, I think it's inevitable that you'll turn into a nagging wife who'll eventually be completely swept by the tiniest hint of attention from an alpha.

In fact, I am almost certain it has already happened.

Crude? yes, but this is nature and biology.

In any case, practically speaking, you're massively overestimating the likelihood that you'll find someone who is as good as this man, but also is alpha enough to trigger your desires.

memelia · Thu Nov 23 2:33:19 2017 UTC

I have read your previous post as well, and wanted to share my thoughts. I was in a similar situation as you 6 years ago, my ex boyfriend was going to propose to me (my friends told me later he had bought a ring and told them his plans), but i actually didn't know when i broke up with him. Like you, i thought he was a good guy with all the qualities of a potential husband, but i've been reflecting on the reasons why it couldn't have worked out with him. It wasn't about him, it was me. Yes, partly because i felt i wasnt ready (i was only 21), and i really think we had certain incompatibilities that would have been deal breakers (it helps to separate deal breakers vs must-haves vs nice-to-haves etc). Maybe you havent really clarified on your values and fundamental things that you will not compromise on? And like you, i figured that intellectual incompatibilities are a major deal-breaker for me, so i couldn't imagine being happily married to him. I heard that he was heartbroken for a while, but he has married and settled down with a baby (im happy for him!), while i'm still single and searching :) hope to hear what you are planning to do about this. I feel you!

EmeraldEagle88 · 2017-11-23T23:01:29+00:00

Take your money that you would spend on a therapist and put it toward ballroom dance lessons. It will force you two to communicate better physically and arouses the tingles. You're welcome.

improvelife2 · 2017-11-25T14:18:12+00:00

love is a choice, you either choose to love him or not

Forgot_Pword · 2017-11-21T19:30:01+00:00

Can you be more clear, with concrete examples, of what you don't like that your husband does?

So far I'm interpreting what you've said as that you're chasing a feeling. The butterfly feeling. Hollywood love that you see in the movies. If this is so you are hamstering hard. Your female hypergamy wants you to attain the commitment of the best man possible. Now that you've got him youre wondering if you could have done better. AWALT.

jazzvai · 2017-11-21T17:12:36+00:00

Have you thought about marriage counseling or therapy? That is the standard last ditch attempt and it might alteast give your husband some closure if separation is the final step you take.

BokehClasses · 2017-11-24T03:57:35+00:00

Feelz before reelz as RRP say.

I'm going to pretend this is a troll post so I don't feel so bad after reading it.

MxUnicorn · 2017-12-01T06:37:20+00:00

How long have you been together? 'Cause the in-love, honeymoon, lovey-dovey chemical brain stuff that makes you feel in love only lasts two years. After that it's work - you make the choice to love your partner. Love is an action.

I would recommend reading some of Laura Doyle and Dr Laura Schlessinger's books, though.

Title	Recently married and questioning everything. Unsure where to go from here.
Author	mayflower42
Upvotes	25
Comments	56
Date	November 21, 2017 3:52 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/7eeyhb/recently_married_and_questioning_everything/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/recently-married-and-questioning-everything-unsure.73790 https://theredarchive.com/post/73790

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