Okay folks. Married close to 20 years, 3 kids, aware of Borderline/Bipolar (ish) issues for a long time. All the classic blue pill stuff: Gained ~35 lbs since marriage, work is a huge part of my life, sex left then physical and verbal affection. No hugs for a couplea years. I have responded by DEERing. Made things much worse. Assumed a servile/passive role in the family. Discovered Red Pill/PUA a few years ago, didn't seem to offer much for married types and seemed morally bankrupt (I am a practical Catholic).

However, I did start working on myself. I discovered the stoics last winter, read some Marcus Aurelius, started walking, took soda pop out of my diet, read "The Obstacle is the Way" over the holiday weekend. Googled Red Pill Married for some reason and found MRP. It seems to me this is what she needs, biologically and socially and personally - that in a very strange way I don't like but am coming to accept, this is her golden rule - if she will be happy being treated differently, then I should treat her as she wants to be treated.

Immediate Goal to run in a 5K /w Middle Daughter by December, ordered WISNIFG and NMMNG yesterday, rearrange my work-life balance so I can work out during the business day.

So I started reading ...

The biggest insight, for me, is that the tests are, well, tests. They are game-able. I can do better or worse at them. Historically I've been DEERing. It never works. Never, EVER.

Time to stop whining and try something different.

Last night, I simply didn't respond to aggression with aggression. I can't remember my responses, but they were a combination of pressure flip and fogging.

Here's a convo from this morning. You'll note I didn't do /well/, not really, but It's a huge improvement over 100% DEERing.

W: "blah blah stuff outside" (there are people talking on the left)

H: Turns head to the right

W: "No, I mean the people talking duh. Just once I'd like you to get what I say the first time."

H: "Yes, I agree, it would be good if you didn't have to repeat things."

W: "Don't try your tricks on me. I don't need them."

H: "You certainly need something!"

W: "Why do you have to be a jerk?"

H: "Wait, do you disagree? You do think that things don't need to change?"

W: "I don't even know what that means. Why do you have to be so (something_bad) about things?"

H: "Let me play it back. You said I should get what you say the first time. I agreed. You said you didn't need me to do things differently, I said you need something, you disagreed, I questioned that. What's the problem again?"

W: "I don't see why you have to be terrible all of a sudden!"

Offhand: I should have STFU after you certainly need something. When she calls me a jerk, I win. Possibly withdraw?

Meta: Last night after my not-very-good replies (better than blue pill), she moved physically closer in bed and didn't immediately brush me away when I touched her. It seemed like a setup - she wanted me to try so she could reject me. An unapologetic, alpha man might try until he gets a hard no, but, as the comment about "tricks" indicates, I haven't earned that yet.

This morning, she sat to have coffee with the youngest daughter, near where I sit. She's been eating Bfast in a different room for ~2 years. This is new.

After the "tricks" convo (at the coffee table), I read a book to youngest daughter. Wife tried to control some things about the process (book is a game that has a piece, where to store the piece after, etc) which I mostly ignored.

After that I went to work. I noticed she put her hair up in a bun. It looked nice. Usually I'd compliment her on it. The way she has been behaving, tho, I don't think she deserves it, I said nothing.

The meta thing here is i think her behavior is changing, perceptively, in a positive way. The tests will continue, but I look forward to them now!

Role playing: If she /asks/ me what I think of her bun, I think I'd say it looks nice. If she says "you didn't say anything about my bun", I'd agree. "No, I didn't." If she pushes "Why didn't you say anything about my bun? Don't you like it" I'm unsure what to do. Probably something like "Are you fishing for a compliment?" (Pressure flip)

Thoughts? Advice?

(PS: I walked 26 miles in a quick period of time, goal was under a month. It was like 10 days. Now I'm going to do 39 miles in under a month, probably get there in 15 days. Then 60. Then I'll do interval training, something like couch to 5K)