Had to explain society's protection to my fiance today

Lohengren · 2012-12-27T17:27:47+00:00

Oh man good luck with that. There's now way I could marry a ticking time bomb.

CaptainChewbacca · 2012-12-27T14:17:06+00:00

I'm confused. Why is she publicly saying that you're 'abusing' her?

5th_Law_of_Robotics · 2012-12-27T14:58:17+00:00

The consensus seems to be to leave that it's not worth the risk. I tend to agree but I doubt that will happen.

So I'd say ignore the shrink. At least in public.

Let her run. Don't try to grab her.

Or she can get the additional trauma of watching you go to jail or be beaten by a mob.

Otherwise I fully expect another, less happy, update to this post.

mr_happy28 · 2012-12-27T14:12:55+00:00

Perhaps hold back on the wedding and please DO NOT have a child with her yet.

Good luck with this.

rightsbot · 2012-12-27T12:10:19+00:00

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cabin5 · 2012-12-27T15:00:00+00:00

RED FLAGS GALORE. Marrying someone with mental health issues is like starting a 10,000 mile road trip with four flats tires.

Kozbot · 2012-12-27T16:56:19+00:00

So you are marrying a women whose response to stress is to freak out and run away...?

AnnArchist · 2012-12-27T17:23:34+00:00

Fucking run.

Funcuz · 2012-12-27T17:39:45+00:00

I don't get it ... what the hell are you waiting for ? Run god dammit ... RUN !!!

Look , she may not want to do anything bad now but just try and imagine a few years in the future. We're talking about a chick with emotional health problems here. You're at a hospital getting tests done (how serious , we don't know but presumably not insignificant) and she's making a scene in complete ignorance of your own situation. Do those not sound like the actions of a narcissist at the very least ?

Now look ahead a few years. She goes into one of her 'moods' and the next thing you know she's demanding a divorce. Now use your head here : Do you really think that a girl like that isn't going to use absolutely every avenue available to her to screw you over ? She already only thinks of herself ... do you seriously think she's going to give you more consideration when you're not around to act as her punching bag ? No , of course not. She's going to be malicious and vindictive.

Here's the key though , so pay attention.

The law says she can screw you over. It practically demands it of her. You're going to have to walk on eggshells until you can't take it any more and then blam! ... some judge is going to take everything from you and hand it to her because you don't want to be a whipping boy anymore.

Flush out your head gear new guy.

What exactly do you get out this marriage deal again ? I can't think of one single thing that works in your favor here.
If you dangled a steak in front of a lion , it's going to take it. Then when it's done with the appetizer you gave it to whet its appetite , it's going to start looking at you as though you're one big walking steak.
Well you're practically doing the same thing. You're saying , "Hey ... you need me for emotional support because you can't handle daily life by yourself. If I decide not to be your crutch anymore , remember that you were never entitled to your own personal therapist despite the fact that you clearly feel entitled to a lot of things you've done nothing to earn."

Yeah , good luck with that.

Coinin · 2012-12-27T19:33:39+00:00

I'm not sure what the question is here, but good for you. If you both love each other and you're making the best of it then good luck :)

buster2209 · 2012-12-27T13:14:26+00:00

Haha, assuming this isn't a troll, why on earth are you in a relationship with someone who, in your words, you cause them so much stress that they flee from you?

RC_5213 · 2012-12-27T15:41:52+00:00

You may love her and all, but the fact that she flees from you because she was upset when it was you getting tested for something (I'm guessing it was somewhat serious due to being there Christmas Eve) is a bit alarming to me.

Tread carefully and good luck.

CaptainChewbacca · 2012-12-27T14:18:04+00:00

Sounds like one of my exes. She'd flip over nothing at all, and after calmly and rationally explaining to her what she's doing, "he abused me!"

fuerve · 2012-12-27T20:20:44+00:00

I see a lot of bitterness in this thread, knee-jerk and otherwise. Enough so that I felt compelled to stop browsing on my phone and walk across the house to my laptop so that I could type up a proper reply (vacation win!).

I'd like to share a bit about my own story, for what it's worth. It's not parallel to yours, but there are some similarities. My wife and I have been together for going on nine years and it has been a bumpy fucking road. One of the common elements in our individual life stories is that we were both abused as children: she by men, me by a woman. We both went through the ups and downs of dealing with our feelings about the opposite sex and that journey continues for both of us to this day (personally, I feel like she's done a better job of it than I have).

She's been diagnosed with a litany of disorders, mood, personality and otherwise. She has a lot of issue. I'm no peach myself, and I've got tons of issues that make life very difficult for her.

So we've been walking in this world together for a while now and have been there with each other for large arcs of varying degrees of craziness and functionality. Imagine every six months or so, you wake up in the middle of a Mexican soap opera: everybody scheming, everybody's business intertwined, utterly incomprehensible even if you can speak the language. It has been extremely difficult both for her and for me.

In learning to deal with each other and with ourselves, we've both come what feels like an incredible distance from where we started. It's like we're different people with the same memories. We've managed to make a good go of it and we become a little more successful every day. We still have our moments, but we deal, and then we move on.

The upshot to having had an incredibly difficult marriage is that we're both committed, we're in it together and we support each other. I have this image in my head of those perfect marriages that all of my distant cousins had, where the prom queen wife stays home and pops out a litter of perfect children while hubby goes off and becomes an officer in the navy or a well-paid engineer or something. I don't understand the people I know who end up in marriages like that: it's like they get hitched and then stop trying to make a difference, coasting on their one life accomplishment until they grow old and die.

Not so easy for my wife and I. We've both had to fight tooth and nail for everything we've got. We both came from Poor, and there's a streak in both of us that tends to bring us right back if we don't play it cool. And whenever we manage to find a new level of success, her family is right there, waiting to try to take advantage of it. It's like we're under siege at all times. It's crazy.

So we deal with it and we're strong because of it. I suspect that if this relationship works out for you, your experience may be similar. I think that you're right not to write somebody off for mental illness alone - what a sad fucking world that is, where being a little bonkers is a life sentence to total obscurity.

You're doing the right thing, though, by setting milestones with achievable goals. You walk a fine line between being supportive and being a doormat. Actually, so does every married man, but you're in a unique position to see it coming and do something about it for everyone's benefit. It's a tremendous responsibility and will at times feel like an inescapable burden. Make sure she holds up her end of the deal, and bear the burden together.

Good luck.

CaptainChewbacca · 2012-12-28T01:32:38+00:00

Getting Married to someone who has mental issues is not a smart thing to do.

You will regret it.

mrdeadeye · 2012-12-27T16:55:06+00:00

Run like the wind.

2012-12-27T17:24:05+00:00

Run... Run far away and dont look back. This woman is unmarriable.

Woody280 · 2012-12-27T14:32:14+00:00

In contrary to what all these other people are saying. I think it's very admirable what you are doing, OP. I wish the bestt of luck in her recovery. About the "abuse" issue. Maybe you could get one of those "medical identification" bracelets that says something like. "Frequently becomes emotionally incapacitated, may appear to be abused, situation harmless." Or something similar

C0CKPUNCHER · 2012-12-27T17:21:53+00:00

This is worded strangely, so that it can be twisted into a case of you and therapist colluding to dominate her. A far fetched scenario that you could be quote mining to pretend we support (rather than people here just naively believing the op saying it is all done in good faith etc).

I don't think you can rescue her from herself.

And just because a therapist says you should control her, doesn't mean you should.

It would be better if you don't dominate her.

This therapist is very bad - I'm not sure this thread is genuine for this reason.

mazzyTuff · 2012-12-27T18:16:55+00:00

escape now

this woman is not an idiot

she is using and abusing you

she will fuck you over and send you to jail

run

please

run

2012-12-27T16:54:04+00:00

Just something to think about before you take the plunge

keyboardjock · 2012-12-27T21:58:44+00:00

Dude if she doesn't understand just break up with her. It sounds like you are going to go on an extremely stressful ride. One which I am not the least bit envious of.

sopernova23 · 2012-12-27T16:45:08+00:00

Dude.... I mean no offense.... but crazy is crazy...and you will loose if you marry crazy...

I would hold off I were you....

2012-12-27T16:40:41+00:00

Big time red flags bro, it sounds like a dangerous game you guys are playing, at least for you!! One of the only ways many girls can get a guy is by using the "protect me, and save me" game, and men love the game; protector /hero.

But she is absolutely taking it too far, and im afraid you will be just another statistic American law enforcement cashes in for federal VAWA dollars soon.

GaryLeHam · 2012-12-27T14:39:28+00:00

I hope your fiance is able to get over her demons someday. I know it can be tough helping a loved one who has mental illnesss or mental issues.

TheGutterPup · 2012-12-27T17:38:58+00:00

Feels for you, bro. Feels.

Memyselfsomeotherguy · 2012-12-27T20:35:54+00:00

In response to part 4 of your edit, does she understand that saying "You're abusing me" is the same as screaming for police and social workers to become completely involved? Not really my business but it just seems blatantly irresponsible on her part.

ClaudeKenni · 2012-12-27T22:23:51+00:00

It's a difficult situation to be in, but all I can say is good luck, as you are going in to it with your eyes open, and aware of the risks. I don't think there is much else to be said, someone observing the situation from outside it is right to be concerned, because they don't know the context of your situation. You've explained the situation to her, and say that she is showing progress. Mental illness is an explanation, but only partially an excuse. It might be worth talking to her about what you should do if that situation occurs again, because even if the therapist recommends you stay close in those situations, you have to protect yourself too. That's my advice to you, as I've been through this sort of situation, as much as you want to help and protect her, make sure you protect yourself too.

CaptainChewbacca · 2012-12-27T23:31:58+00:00

If she accuses you of abusing her, leave.

There's really no other choice.

sopernova23 · 2012-12-28T03:16:34+00:00

Fiancée - female

Fiancé - male

CaptainChewbacca · 2012-12-27T18:43:21+00:00

Your relationship, like all relationships, has history, and baggage, and emotions that can't be conveyed on paper. I understand that, but I hope this can grant you a little clarity:

If you stay with her, you are going to jail.

It's a matter of when, and for how long, but at some point you will be handcuffed, and processed, and put in a cell, and appear before a judge. No one will believe or even care about your side, and it's possible you will end up with a restraining order, supervised visitation, alimony, child support, and the inability to purchase firearms or - if you're convicted of a felony - the inability to vote and find meaningful work.

Marriage should be healthy, and what you're describing is unhealthy, abnormal, and harmful to you.

TL;DR - Love is not enough.

jkayne · 2012-12-27T19:07:50+00:00

welcome to the world that if superman existed they would lock him up with out a care.

Revorob · 2012-12-28T04:25:58+00:00

Sounds like a woman who is on the verge of becoming a full-blown psycho. Not worth the trouble. Find a better woman.

2012-12-27T13:24:22+00:00

Proximity to her is not in your interest. Dump that bitch.

bungalow · 2012-12-27T23:09:47+00:00

YOU got a fiance? You gotta be shitting me.

CosmicKeys · 2012-12-28T00:56:36+00:00

So let me get this right, OP posts about how society views men as abusers, but the entire thread is littered with nothing but pleas for OP to leave his lover.

Fuck me. Considering men are more likely to suffer from mental health disorders, you'd think there would be a shred of compassion for people with them. Oh but if it's a woman I guess she's sub-human. Secondly, the bias towards think OP is a saint in comparison to his wife until his next edit where lo, he's had issues and she's supported him. These are individual people and should be treated as such. All the best OP.

cryptobomb · 2012-12-28T01:47:49+00:00

Is there and actual question in your post?

Also, a lot of the responses here are unbelievable.

Running away isn't the answer to everything, you fucking cowards... oh sorry, I mean 'men's rights activists'.

Title	Had to explain society's protection to my fiance today
Author	CaptainChewbacca
Upvotes	61
Comments	157
Date	December 27, 2012 12:08 PM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/15ilfd/had_to_explain_societys_protection_to_my_fiance/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/had-to-explain-societys-protection-to-my-fiance.1005674 https://theredarchive.com/post/1005674

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