Why do so many pick mes discard close female friendships once they get into a relationship? How do we not internalize getting discarded by them?

jupitarianrise · 2021-08-25T23:33:59+00:00

I had a friend who ghosted me as soon as she got a boyfriend, but she didn’t ghost a mutual friend who’s been in a long-term relationship, and they go on double dates all the time. She’s the only friend she kept in our social circle. I really don’t get it. I have been in relationships and I’ve never discarded her because she was single at the time, that makes no sense. It feels like Pick Mes think they have levelled up once a man finally picks them, but it’s not true. It’s so disappointing being friends with them because they don’t show their true colours/intentions until the very end.

I asked her once who her new boyfriend was, and she said ridiculous things like “my boyfriend goes to the 2nd best business school in (european country)” wtf is he nice? is he fun? Why the need to brag? My ex boyfriend went to the 1 best business school in her country and I never even thought of bringing that up when I was dating him and she was single. The way she said it was so… weird too. Ugh. I’m not your competition, chill.

Even worse, the man is a typical low-value man who love bombed her, on the third date he told her “I love you” and he moved in with her in HER apartment (bigger than his) they split the grocery bills 50/50 but she’s the one who cooks and cleans (and she’s proud of it) and whenever I called her he was always screaming in the background, playing video games online like a child. Within a month of dating, he got her into BDSM and THREESOMES (with other women, obviously). Oh and a week before he slept with her (fell in love with her 🤡) he ghosted a woman he was stringing along for THREE YEARS. And he said it to my friend and she was so proud of being picked, talking about oh I must be his soul mate blah blah GIRL THAT WAS A RED FLAG. He basically admitted he was a piece of shit and she genuinely thought he changed over night FOR HER. He also started negging her and she’d laugh and say “he’s such a virgo, they criticize everyone hehee” 🙄 I wish her the best from afar but I know it’s going to be ugly once he stops acting like a good man to her.

It’s so sad that she threw our 10 year friendship out of the window like it was nothing, for a man (and a low value one it seems) but it is what it is. I’ll make better friends in the future.

Datonecatladyukno · 2021-08-25T22:46:44+00:00

My best friend does this with every man. It’s been 20 years and the most recent is from tiktok and he stays with her 24/7. I have no advice

Palminator · 2021-08-26T00:41:17+00:00

My sisters do this. My sisters will ask for advice/help/signs/everything when they’re having issues with their men. If I tell them their men are LVM/NVM, they ghost me. And when they reappear, defeated and taken advantage of, they always say, “I didn’t know. It’s not my fault.” So over it. Sometimes I wish I was an only child.

Love_Artemis · 2021-08-25T21:44:02+00:00

They devout all of their time into people pleasing and catering to guys' wants/needs in hopes that they will be rewarded in appreciation and affection for all their effort.

It could also possibly be that the guy they are dating is actively isolating them from their support network.

chasingshoesales · 2021-08-25T23:31:52+00:00

I think Pickmeishas consider finding a man the end goal. Even in friendships, that friendship may be just for finding a man. Maybe you have guy friends or family members she can potentially date. It enhances her social circle by meeting people through you so she’s more likely to find a man. Also she will seem less lonely and weird the more friends she has. And if she’s dating guys and getting hurt, she has the girl friends to console her and help her feel validated. So once she has a boyfriend locked down, the purpose of the friendship is over. A good girl friend might also bring to light the red flags in the boyfriend. I think most pickmeishas rather live in delusion about their LVM than to be told the truth, so they avoid having the boyfriend spend time with the friend. I subconsciously did this with my LVX. I noticed my friend was taken aback by some of his comments and I was brushing it off as her being “unreasonable”, but in reality she knew shit was wrong. I just didn’t wanna face it.

veruscka · 2021-08-26T02:28:03+00:00

Oh yeah, I’m just getting to the acceptance phase of grieving a friendship. It’s been hard. I do recommend reading about the stages of grief because a friendship ending can feel like a huge loss! My pickme friend is moving to a totally different region/city, so I’ve come to terms with that we probably won’t see each other again. The pandemic has really accelerated some relationships and has made people believe they are closer to their SO than they are.

basicbagels · 2021-08-25T21:46:58+00:00

It’s very common. These pickme’s self esteem and worth sadly revolve around what their bf thinks of them. They are fickle friends. Their loss, not yours

Any_Indication_2754 · 2021-08-25T23:44:11+00:00

Because when you date a LVM as a pickme, every other woman is a threat to your relationship.

Breesasha · 2021-08-25T22:29:58+00:00

There's a lot of pickmeishas who think their time is better suited chasing LVM or suffering with these terrible live-in partners who don't cook, clean, or help with the kids. These women think a man should define them, and everything else is fluff until they're married or whatever. I've lost numerous friends that way, 5 in my lifetime, because they were flaky or flighty with me, no time of energy for our friendship, or they just wanted me to listen to them vent for hours about their bad relationships. They didn't respect me or our friendship and I was sticking around based out of nostalgia for what we used to have.

There's no easy way to avoid internalizing it. If it's easier for you, you could journal or meditate after a lost friendship. For my most recent friendship I lost earlier this year, I mourned it like I would a death in the family. I sat back and looked at old photos of us from happier memories. I also sat back and thought of how we met. I tried not to be angry or hold anger towards her. She's clearly in a bad place mentally to choose a LV partner over a 7 year friendship. I try not to think of her as someone who wronged me or did something out of malice but to think of it like the friendship just passed away.

I also started seeking out new friends but with HVW, now I know how to vet friendships and relationships so I hope not to lose too many more friends in the future.

Thestral-glow6 · 2021-08-25T22:20:57+00:00

I’ve had this done to me in the past and it hurts. On the flip side I’ve done it in two relationships myself, with men who were extremely abusive narcs. I see it now, but at the time I was already very much under their thumb and being manipulated that I couldn’t see it was wrong. In hindsight It was, and I wish I’d been stronger and seen the signs. I wish I’d listened to friends who saw some early red flags. I wish.

apommom · 2021-08-25T21:41:20+00:00

Of course there are the women who decide to spend all their time with their guy and orchestrate their lives around him, leaving no time for their female friends. But there’s another perspective to consider where abusive guys can use many forms of isolation tactics to have their girlfriend cut out the most trusted people in her life. It can be hard to tell from the outside what exactly is happening.

sruslywhytho · 2021-08-26T15:10:38+00:00

Remember that everyone is having their own life experiences and nothing is personal. Pickme’s have low self esteem and need the validation of belonging or being chosen.

I’ve had this happen a number of times and honestly I just let those friends go. If it’s someone I’m really close with I’ll have a conversation about the friendship changing or their partner isolating them (if that’s the case) but I respect that their response/reaction is what they desire and if that’s not having me in their life then that’s ok. They always always come back once his mask falls off or he discards them or they become emotionally drained. And at that point I make a choice on whether or not I want to engage with them again. If I choose to, I do it with more boundaries and awareness that my friendship isn’t that valuable to them and reserve my energy accordingly. If I don’t choose to, I’ll not respond when they reach out after a breakup (normally when they’ve made zero effort to stay in touch otherwise) as I’m not available to hold space for them emotionally. I might connect with them later once they’ve worked through things on their own.

But basically accept ppl showing you who they are. Decide how much space you desire to hold for that energy in your life. Move forward accordingly with no responsibility to explain yourself.

I’ve had friends that I stopped responding to come back years later and apologize because they realized I distance myself when they took my friendship for granted. And sometimes when you do that it actually models to them that they have permission to do the same with the lvm they date.

akashyaboa · 2021-08-27T07:35:09+00:00

I always wanted to have a circle of friends that stay with you through fire and rain and you get to travel together (with or without S.O.s). Never seem to get people to stick somehow..

Optimal_Grapefruit_5 · 2021-08-27T23:23:46+00:00

I fully believe many of them don't see women as people - despite being women themselves. They might consider themselves people, and they do consider men people, but other women to them are simply disposable objects/tools that serve a function (usually free therapy, validation, or filling a void until they latch onto their next man).

Even LVM seem to value male friendships because even the lowest of men considers other men people. The person a man respects, appreciates, looks up to, and wants to appease the most is another man.
You'll have a hard time finding a LVW who values female friendships 'cause LVW more often than not don't see other women as people worthy of that kind of respect and consideration; the person a LVW tries to appease is almost always going to be a man (sometimes even just a vague idea of a man).

I internalize very little and compartmentalize a lot by nature, but what I can say is choose wisely the people you care about. I once used to be discarded a lot by pickmes, then I realized they were doing me a favor. Then I started doing most of the discarding, often nipping things in the bud as soon as I realized I was bonding with the wrong people. I have a finite amount of time and energy to spend on this Earth and I can't allocate those to people that would just drain me. It can get frustrating because, depending on where you live, it can kind of seem like far too many women are pickmes because it's "easy" to give in to a misogynistic environment.

Title	Why do so many pick mes discard close female friendships once they get into a relationship? How do we not internalize getting discarded by them?
Author	taylor232424
Upvotes	358
Comments	17
Date	August 25, 2021 9:36 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/pbl1bi/why_do_so_many_pick_mes_discard_close_female/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/why-do-so-many-pick-mes-discard-close-female.1064966 https://theredarchive.com/post/1064966

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