How do you not desire love when you have independently accomplished everything else you have wanted in life?

ArugulaIsAwesome · 2021-09-17T02:18:39+00:00

Oh this question is really great.

I have done so much with my life. Things that would shock my younger self. I have accomplished all of my dreams and aspirations, I’ve travelled the world multiple times, I’ve had great success in my career, and I’ve had incredible notoriety.

I paid off my first mortgage and I’m almost done paying off my second mortgage. I’m financially stable and have everything I could possibly need.

Honestly, I’m to the point I’ll either start focussing on retirement, or potentially open my home to foster children or adopt.

Including a man into my life would be nice but it’s never been a necessity.

I will simply invent new goals to accomplish and build a newer, bigger, more badass bucket list. 😎

LizardInFirst · 2021-09-16T19:40:45+00:00

Great question. There have been times when I’ve felt like I’d give up everything I’ve achieved for true love (terrible, I know). However, over the years, the terrible behaviour of men who claimed to love me has proved that I can only truly rely on myself and my closest friends.

squashmybutternuts · 2021-09-16T21:59:31+00:00

You can acknowledge your desire for love and companionship, as is only natural if you're a living being whilst also loving your own precious company. All the zen energy you've accumulated for yourself is sacred, remember that. I don't think there is a direct answer, truth be told. It's not something that gets brought up around here often.

I think it's a specific state of mind really. Just a few days back, I came across an article that detailed how romantic love is more or less a manufactured concept which I know sounds surprising considering the pervasive nature of it. Makes me question the legitimacy of the statement about romantic love being espoused as a basic human need. And then you add to that the fact the current generation of men is shooting downhill in every imaginable way. That's just about enough to uproot any and all desire I have for anything that remotely resembles a romantic dynamic. Or the good-for-nothing species we term LVMs. (Which surprise, constitutes the majority of manosphere.)

Or maybe I'm getting too far ahead of myself. I'm not even 20 yet, take everything I said with a grain of salt.

CountingDownTheDays5 · 2021-09-16T18:50:45+00:00

I don't think there is an issue with desiring partnership or love OP. That is not the point of FDS you are human, humans desire partnership and romantic companionship (it's normal). FDS is suppose to help you not desire that with the wrong person, and if they are the wrong person you see it right away. It also should consume your entire life.

thediverswife · 2021-09-16T19:30:57+00:00

It’s absolutely natural to want love and companionship, especially after achieving your own personal goals. Society has really messed us up with how much it pushes individualism and not being ‘emotional’ on us. These desires and urges are biological and perfectly normal. I am not dating right now as I am in recovery and have lots to deal with, but whenever I’m next vetting I’m going to be honest about these things. I’d like to have a family one day and it’s not needy or pathological to say so.

fancypantsdance92 · 2021-09-17T06:11:36+00:00

I've dealt with enough shit from men over the years to know that going into work feeling that crushing, stinging feeling and having to work through it isn't worth it. I've lived with a man who made coming home a chore. Sure, I'd like to be in love, but I'm also very happy knowing that someone isn't ruining my peace of mind and the things I've built by myself.

Risas1239 · 2021-09-16T18:42:08+00:00

I don’t think the point is to not want those things, but to not let that make you think/act desperate. Being high value and vetting HVM takes more time. Maybe you don’t get your desired partnership in 20 years. Acting desperate won’t make that happen sooner, it would just make you get married/divorced in the same time (or make you lose out on the HVM that couldda been). Also, I don’t think you’ve truly done eeeeverything else you wanted to do.

__kamikaze__ · 2021-09-17T04:01:15+00:00

Acceptance. As the song goes “You can’t always get what you want”… and you just need to accept that.

I also think this desire is kicked into overdrive since we perceive it as possible. For example, you wouldn’t be hung up on not winning the lottery—simply because your mind accepts the fact there’s a very slim chance it will happen. But with love, we perceive it as attainable.

So you need to adopt the same mindset as you do with winning the lottery, and just accept that it might not happen.

MixWide · 2021-09-16T20:11:11+00:00

Unfortunately, no matter how much you desire it, there is no guarantee you will find another person willing and able to provide you with love and companionship.

FDS is about focusing on yourself because 1) doing so will put you in the best position to have an equitable and fulfilling relationship if you do find a good partner, and 2) if you do not find a good partner then you will still have a full and fulfilling life of your own.

23eggz · 2021-09-17T02:37:07+00:00

I read this somewhere but can't remember the original source... it went something like "if I were to tell you with certainty that you would never love again, what would you do to make yourself happy? That is what you should go out and do"

I think its important, especially for women, to realize we are capable of happiness and whole lives outside of relationships. When we are satisfied with ourselves we are less likely to put up with a man's shit just because we are scared of being alone. What excites you? What kind of aspirational content do you tend to consume? Travel? Pets? Community? Art? Photography? You don't need to wait for love to experience these things.

edwardianemerald · 2021-09-16T21:08:02+00:00

We DO desire love. We desire love and companionship and motherhood, but life has taught us that when we are open about this desire (which was historically seen as natural and feminine, and protected by HVM) LVM and NVM will use our openness as an opportunity to trick us (lovebomb, trauma bond etc.) and ghost.

So it is not that the desire goes away. It's still there, burning away. It's that we have to protect it with vetting, leveling up and constantly evaluating.

ChocoBananza · 2021-09-17T07:33:24+00:00

Just ask yourself if that someone should be anyone. If you’re desperate for a life partner and a family, I assure you, you’re not there yet, in terms of happiness and accomplishment.

Now, if you really are ready, you’ll want to find a best partner for yourself, and best possible father for your future children. That means you will vet hard af, since you know exactly what you want in life.

Determinedblonde · 2021-09-16T18:55:14+00:00

It’d be proud of myself if I had! 😁 that seems easier than love

BlueSkiesOverLondon · 2021-09-17T14:15:50+00:00

It’s okay to want love. Just keep reminding yourself not to settle for not-love: for being treated poorly due to wishful thinking. But don’t accept the misogynistic societal shame of being “desperate” or “miss lonely heart” (and thus gross) just because love and partnership is very important to you.

PinkBlair99 · 2021-09-19T02:40:03+00:00

Our society has so over privileged the heteronormative nuclear family dynamic that there is very little opportunity for many people to have support, love, community, physical touch… I think that’s one reason we feel we need “a relationship.” It’s the only semi accessible form of family/community that still exists under late capitalism. And even that is highly fairy taled, manufactured consent.

ALysistrataType · 2021-09-16T21:22:38+00:00

... then you build that. You take the advice in regard to weeding out all the LVM/NVM and you build the family/relationship you want. I think most of us in this sub are single and taking a step back from dating because we see the pee in the dating pool and we want to filter it.

Title	How do you not desire love when you have independently accomplished everything else you have wanted in life?
Author	taylor232424
Upvotes	225
Comments	26
Date	September 16, 2021 6:28 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ppj185/how_do_you_not_desire_love_when_you_have/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-do-you-not-desire-love-when-you-have.1070094 https://theredarchive.com/post/1070094

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