i noticed this sub has a huge blind spot for certain standards (like height for example) and i wanted to share an exercise that helped me a lot and might help you too. but first i have to say: NEVER ABANDON YOUR STANDARDS. YOU HAVE THEM FOR A REASON. but revisit them.

until i did the work to unpack it, i used to think that my ideal man was a rich, tall, older man.

it took me way too long to learn that i had brainwashed myself into a riptide that led me straight to LVM island by following my own standards.

and it was all because of words. (words can be almost spellbinding when you repeat them to yourself enough). i had all the wrong words.

i was convinced that i wanted someone RICH. when all along what i really wanted was a man who is COMPETENT.

take it from someone who learned the hard way: rich men who acquire their money through luck, fortune or ruthlessness can be just as LV (or much worse) as men who are broke. a teacher making 40 thousand a year (but is competent) might be a better match for you than a finance bro who makes a lot but bungles everything in his personal life.

i thought i liked TALL men. turns out i just like men who are SECURE with their masculinity and self esteem.

many short men are insecure and have (repulsive) inferiority complexes. in response, i mistakenly put tall men on a pedestal that they didn't deserve to be on. my ex was a tall man who exclusively dated short women until he met me. which is suspicious to say the least and should have been a red flag. but i still put him up there on that pedestal because he was tall. blind spot. it took a long time for his inferiority complex to surface. but it was there, so it eventually did. he was attracted to my femininity and used me to feel more manly about himself (just like how he used short women to feel big in the past) but he was insecure about his masculinity. once i saw that for what it was, the novelty of his height wore off FAST. short men who aren't insecure are more attractive (to me) than LVM who are tall.

and now my biggest error: i honestly thought i liked OLDER men. what a nightmare. all along what i was actually attracted to was men who are CONSISTENT (older people, in general are more consistent just by default) and EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT

hard lesson learned: the type of men who date younger women are not emotionally intelligent at all. in fact, they are the most stunted. they've just taken the manipulation short cut because they're inferior to their peers. they are the worst of the worst.

my point is this: don't choose men while you're in autopilot. get to know yourself first. you may think you have high standards and that's good enough. but you might need to put in way more work. raising the bar and having standards is a good first step. but keep going.

write out a list of things you find attractive in men and then sit with it. REALLY examine each one. explain to yourself WHY you find those qualities attractive. this sub preaches a lot about being brutally honest with the word about what you want. but be brutually honest with YOURSELF first. unpack your shit!

here's a few more examples:

i used to think i wanted someone with talent. now i've learned i just like men who have hobbies and interests.

i used to think i liked men who spent a lot on dates. now i know i just wanted a man who put in effort.