Why do we have to be enemies?

Grey_Bear_40 · 2021-11-03T03:22:56+00:00

My ex and I were together 7 years, married 4. She is identical. You aren't alone. Know that her anger and bitterness towards you is a poison that will consume her, don't let it consume you too.

akihonj · 2021-11-03T10:39:44+00:00

Before I caught her cheating she was the most feminine woman I've ever met, an absolute joy just to be in the same room with, singing and humming, she filled the air with her presence.

I catch her cheating, tell her it's over that the only way to repair the damage is to unfuck my friend, and speak to me about our issues before she cheats.

Hell hath no fury... She went scorched earth accused me of abuse, lies that you couldn't possibly imagine. Torched my relationship with my children, destroyed my relationship with relatives.

We don't speak now, I've been to lawyers and got court orders overturned, due to no evidence on her part but more than enough evidence on mine.

She's just something I no longer recognise anymore, she does not behave like a normal human being, a total monster. If we find ourselves in the same place she will actually walk out of there no matter who is present or what is happening there. I went through hell and nearly ended it but it's now quite strange to turn up to a family gathering to see her there and watch as she walks away like Satan just popped in for a beer and chat.

dday_throwaway3 · 2021-11-03T12:19:34+00:00

You don't get divorced to stay best friends with your spouse.

hombredelgato · 2021-11-03T13:03:45+00:00

22 years, 3 kids.

It wasn't a "switch" that turned on during/after the divorce that causes her to treat you with disdain, it was always there and the "happy, cheerful, sexy, etc." woman that was your wife, is (and was) an act. She was always your enemy and you just didn't realize it.

symolan · 2021-11-03T13:31:13+00:00

Together for 20 years, married 11.

With us, it's me that is being difficult.

Reason: I'm still fucking disappointed in her even though it was not a bad story compared to many others. I'm not as difficult as your XW seems to be, but almost.

I've been hurt and I'm simply not there yet where I can let the hurt go. So, walls are up anytime I have to interact. She tries to be nice, but I just can't reciprocate yet (I'm not being nasty, however, just siberian cold).

rubix_fucked · 2021-11-03T21:57:00+00:00

Per your post history.

You were married to a narcissist.

You were dating a much younger woman.

Narcissists don't like to lose. Her expectation was that you would be miserable, unable to move on and would never be able to replace her. You proved her wrong and that is unforgiveable. She blames you for all of her poor choices.

The less you care the better. Don't waste more of your time on her. If the bare minimum is all she offers count your blessings. So many others endure all sorts of mind games and emotional pain.

MartyMcFly7 · 2021-11-03T17:43:34+00:00

Research into breakups indicates that women (more than men) tend to remember the bad and forget the good, as a way of coping and decoupling.

A lot of what happens will just depend on who your wife is. But there's a reason men say, "You don't really know a woman until you divorce her."

If there's a bright spot here, it's that the opposite of love isn't anger, it's indifference. If she's angry, it's because it meant something to her. She may not want you back, but it did mean something. She's avoiding you to avoid more pain. But once the dust settles, and given a lot of time, things could change.

kapriece · 2021-11-03T13:22:37+00:00

Women can be vindictive. They file in most cases, they have all the issues, and they mostly win in divorces but you end up being the bad guy. It's like a divorce is the ultimate shit-test and we all fail bc we don't try hard enough. Bitch I married you I don't need to prove anything else to you. Secondly it's not our fault no one else came in to save your heart after the divorce like a Tyler Perry movie. We get the blame bc you wrecked your own home. A lot of them are realizing they've hit the WALL and their job has a glass ceiling. Its easier for us to move on bc as we age ( as long as you take care of yourself) we tend to become more attractive. For them it's the opposite and they resent us for it. My ex looks like clay-face from Batman at 44. At 35 she got a tummy tuck and butt lift but she didn't exercise so it all came right back lol. I'm in the best shape of my life and doing 3 times better financially. I was on this path before the divorce but she decided to jump ship for another guy she thought had it all. Your life actually improves and I think they can see that.

NoShitsGivenAtAll · 2021-11-03T16:41:08+00:00

She doesn't need you nor respect you. When one of these are satisfied, she'll treat you better. Just don't be fooled. She'll never do it out of the love of her heart.

My advice that you didn't ask for: Treat her like shit and ignore her. Some women love being stepped on to feel competition. Maybe then she'll treat you better if she feels she doesn't have you for granted.

No-Cry-4771 · 2021-11-03T22:05:06+00:00

Probably rewriting history in order to make you the bad guy. Did she initiate? If so, she has to find a way to justify her actions to herself.

Whitepanther345 · 2021-11-04T02:22:47+00:00

She hates being around you cause it reminds her that she had to play a role for 25 years till she felt comfortable enough to leave. Now when she sees you she gets sick to her stomach knowing she had to spend that long pretending like she loved you

ShaolinSoccerStar · 2021-11-04T15:14:51+00:00

It sounds like you were in a shitty marriage, and your ex-wife was definitely abusive. Because you aren't married to her anymore, this is her way of finding a way to still abuse you.

25_years · 2021-11-04T15:28:36+00:00

At least sometimes, I blame the lawyers and the legal system. At first, my divorce was quite civil and friendly. We would even go out to eat as a family with the kids. We lived apart, but I was welcomed in her home.

But, then came her scumbag lawyer who wanted to whip everything up into a fight. My ex was too stupid to see that she was being manipulated into billable hours. Suddenly, my ex's head was filled with all kinds of volatile - and false - beliefs about me. Suddenly, I was trying to cheat her out of money and hurt the kids. That's the story I got from her.

After months of painful litigation, I asked my lawyer why divorce needs to be so God Damn difficult. His reply was simply that divorce is "adversarial". That's the word he used. So, that means we're at war. Everyone is an enemy, right?!? Everyone should be regarded as an enemy to be destroyed. There are no rules, just destruction.

It doesn't help that when I first took the stand, her lawyer asked for and received permission to treat me as a "hostile witness". You want hostility, you fucking cunt? You got it!!

Also, at the start of litigation, the judge could say, "Relax, neither one of you will lose access to your kids." But no, that's not what he says. Instead, it's: "Hurt each other as much as possible. Last man standing wins. It's winner-take-all. Ding, ding, ding, Round One!"

It's a shockingly terrible system for a "civilized" society. We're barely better than monkeys throwing feces at each other.

Common-Instance-34 · 2021-11-23T10:37:52+00:00

It’s all part of the narrative. She must be the victim. To maintain her victim status, you simply cannot be friends, or even friendly.

dietrerun · 2021-11-03T03:44:03+00:00

I only act like this because I found out about other person.

daddylonglegs72 · 2021-11-03T05:10:34+00:00

Nope I changed my phone number and avoid her like the plague, I am really happy we are wearing masks now.

throwTHISaway0885 · 2021-11-03T14:41:16+00:00

Mine is similar. 4 months after the divorce:

Still fights over email and whatsapp over trivial things
Still tries to alienate the kids
Still tries to send nasty messages
the other day, was video recording me at the kids swapoff spot
tries to interfere in my personal life

70% of women move on, having made their plans, have their own aspirations and at peace with the situation.

20% of the cases they are not recovered immediately, but move on after a months after the divorce. Having found a new partner, a new life etc.

The 10% of women just don't reconcile with the reality and continue the conflict.

derelictherds · 2021-11-03T17:14:04+00:00

Does she communicate about the kids? What more do you want from her? These are honest questions (not trying to be a dick). You didn't mention any of the reasons for the divorce so it's anybody's guess as to why she's behaving this way.

My ex had an affair, ended the marriage, and abandoned our children then proceeded to treat me similar to how your ex is treating you. Who knows why. She gets friendly from time to time when she needs money (in addition to the SS she already receives). It can be a real pain in the ass. Be careful what you wish for.

Data_Fan · 2021-11-03T18:10:39+00:00

You don't have to be enemies, but alot of people use that as a support of their decision to divorce. They can't be OK w the idea that you are two adults with a normal range of positive and negative qualities that used to love each other, but don't any longer. They need to hate and blame you to take the focus off themselves as an equal partner in the breakdown of the marriage. Its their problem, a sign they haven't done the work to move on successfully. You need to make peace with that too, so you're not bothered going forward.

RaccoonGrowing · 2021-11-04T00:46:35+00:00

A woman can love you as she would never leave you… but can leave you as she never loved you bro.

pegleg_legal · 2021-11-04T07:21:57+00:00

A couple years after it's done and dusted, you can hope to reach some level of decent cooperation. The biggest reversal I ever saw was when my client's wife kidnapped the kid for over a year and tried to traffic her to a middle eastern country. And now he sends the kid on a plane to see here and they get along famously.

your results may vary

Spirited-girl73 · 2021-11-04T13:26:58+00:00

Perhaps she is protecting herself. Being married that long I can imagine, it reminds her of her personal failure at a relationship she invested in. JMO

latexyankee · 2021-11-14T19:42:42+00:00

She blames you for her decisions. This is classic modern woman. To them accountability means worthless. To us accountability means a way to learn and grow/get better.

This is not uncommon behavior, more the norm. They lose

anon_company · 2021-11-03T03:16:54+00:00

Sounds optimal. When i treat someone like this im disgusted. The bar is low, and your ignorant that your mentality is detrimental.

Title	Why do we have to be enemies?
Author	rrockman
Upvotes	22
Comments	42
Date	November 3, 2021 3:11 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/qllfoc/why_do_we_have_to_be_enemies/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/why-do-we-have-to-be-enemies.1080307 https://theredarchive.com/post/1080307

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