From the parking lot stalking/predator thread, an FDS queen said this:

smm1892: "I have realized that since FDS I rarely even look men in the eye when I’m walking or commuting (have lived in NYC, CDMX, etc.) because it has just led to such harassment when you accidentally smile or say good morning. Sad that you can only be friendly to other women and men you’ve known for years!"

So much this. From growing up in a female body for the last 50+ years, having been married for 25 years, having endured way too damn many fatphobic slurs from childhood into my 30s, it's next to impossible to look a man in the eye anymore. There's just no reason to. I don't want to risk getting assaulted, raped, murdered, mostly; I also just don't want my time wasted. I want to go out, move at my own speed, do whatever I want to do, and just be invisible.

That said, instincts kick in, and I think we all can tell when we're being stared at, and at that point, I stare back pretty aggressively, and even though it's a risk, I'm ready to confront, and I hope men pick up on this energy. I'm always loaded for bear when I go outdoors anyway. It's been years and years since I've gotten the "fat hate" look or any comments, but my FFG (former fat girl) self is still very much with me, and always will be, partly as a way to be more compassionate to myself, and to be compassionate to other fat women.

My issue is this: I love to get out and walk either in a local park, or at the gym. How do you navigate being spoken to? I vaccilate between not wanting my attention jerked away from whatever I'm doing or listening to (READ THE SIGNALS), and just saying hello, acknowledging someone, and leaving it at that. And it's a case-by-case thing: I've finally decided that if I'm not looking at a man, and he says hello, I ignore. If I *happen* to be looking in his direction, and I feel like it, I'll say hi and just keep on walking. Most of the time I say "hi" in a flat voice, no smile, or give a sarcastic little wave like, yeah, okay hi whatever.

But then, how do you ever signal that it's okay to approach? A small smile, slightly extended eye contact is all I got. I've noticed as I've aged, married and been happy, I absolutely don't smile at any man unless I can tell in an instant that I'm attracted, and his energy feels good. Out in public, that for me equates to 99.99999% of the time, DO NOT APPROACH, do not talk to me. I also fully admit that I'm a short white woman, and I carry an aura of "you don't bother me, I won't bother you" in public. My attitude is, I see you, we don't *have* to interact, just be cool, pass on by.

More and more I'm convinced from everything I've read here on FDS, meeting men in the wild out in public just isn't a thing and if it does happen, it's vanishingly rare that it would ever result in an actual relationship. Meet men in social groups like church, community, a shared hobby first.

By the way, there's a whole long thread on Feministe on "the politics of hello". https://feministe.us/blog/?p=19591