What’s the longest you’ve gone without seeing your kid(s)?

akihonj · 2022-02-02T08:51:06+00:00

3 years, my son turned 18 recently and turned up at my door asking for the truth, he stays often now and we're building a good relationship.

Still not seen my daughter, she's young only 8 so let's suppose another 10 years before I get to see her. It depends though because my son has been arguing with his mother and telling my daughter the truth and he's told me she has started telling him how much she hates her mother..

Adorable_FecalSpray · 2022-02-02T07:42:59+00:00

Multiple months for a couple of them, I am thinking it was around 4 months. And when I did see them it was to hand them some gifts at her front door, they took them, one mumbled "thanks", the other genuinely said "Thanks!" and that was it. 60 seconds or less. I tried to talk but one definitely wasn't interested and the other seemed to act as if he wanted to but was too nervous to. As she was standing right there. Then it was another month or so until I saw them again, for another 30-60 seconds. It sucked. I missed out on years of their lives, so far. By the same token, they missed out on having a loving involved dad in their lives for years, so far.

Thankfully, I still see the two younger much more frequently.

What did I do to deal with this, how did I handle it?

I did this...

Advice when faced w divorce (this isn't specific to kids, but definitely helped me when I was depressed from missing my kids).

Here is what I did and highly recommend to other guys going through divorce to start doing (these are just the basics).

Lift, heavy weights. If you don’t have access to heavy weights, then body weight exercises and high-intensity cardio. The idea is you physically exhaust your body, which increases good chemicals in your brain. It will make you look better too, which helps with self-confidence. This can help w feelings of anger too. Also more muscles, those are good too.

Stay away from alcohol (drugs), do not rely on it to numb the pain. Sure, have a drink or two but don’t let it be a crutch. You are stronger than that. Also use this time to fix your nutrition (I prefer low carb and high protein and fat, along with w Intermittent Fasting). And also get your sleep, your brain needs to be sharp while you are going through this. Can’t sleep? Try melatonin, sleep / relaxation apps, meditation, prayer, fixed bed time routine.

Find some hobbies to do, old ones you stopped or some new ones. Guitar, woodworking, piano, dancing, yoga, stamp collecting, shooting, home improvement projects, model building. For when you aren’t lifting heavy weights and/or rolling or punching something. The idea is that you find something that brings you joy and keeps your mind and body occupied.

And lastly, do NOT jump right back into another serious relationship. Figure out the part you played in coming to the divorce. Maybe it wasn’t much or maybe it was. Figure that out and be honest with yourself and accept feedback from those that know you (family, friends, therapist). Be ok w being on your own for a while. Do NOT repeat the same mistakes that got you where you are right now. I would recommend taking at least a year to work on the above before dating again. If you really focus on the above you will go back to the dating market, if you so choose, in a much much better position..

Start pursuing some alternate stream(s) of income other then your regular 9-5. Start w writing business ideas that you could do in 10-20 hours a week then start pursuing them. Doesn’t have to be huge but something that brings in extra money and gives your mind something to do. (Legal bills will add up quickly, even on amicable splits). Maybe doing some driving for Lyft / Uber or Door Dash, real estate investing (podcast Bigger Pockets) or maybe you have some skill you haven’t used in a bit that can bring in some extra cash (Tutoring, guitar lessons, dog walker, etc).

Learn to meditate, starting w a couple minutes a day and work your way up to 10-15 minutes. (This actually lowers my blood pressure, I’ve measured before and after. It also helps w obsessive negative thoughts). There are several apps out there, I use Headspace. If you are religious pray, read your Bible or other holy book.

Make your living space your own. Whether you get to stay in your house or have to move. Over time put furniture, art, plants, and other items that YOU want and will be proud to show to people you invite over.

Get a therapist. You might have to trial a couple before you find one that you click with and you feel that they understand you. Do NOT feel bad about firing them. If they are any good they will help you set some goals for the sessions. Sometimes sessions won’t be super productive other times they will be. It’s a process that takes some time and won’t last forever. But it will help you struggle through the mental quagmire (shit) and grow stronger and move on.

Reach out to friends and family to keep those connections alive or to re-kindle them. Be careful about venting to family and friends about your situation or Ex. It is alright to do for close relationships but keep it vague and short. That is what the therapist is mostly for.

Read books and/or listen to audiobooks, here are some recommendations that I found helpful (I really think the audiobooks are a good investment. I can take a 4 hour road trip and finish a book. Learn to listen at faster speeds.):

• ⁠Models

• ⁠No More Mr. Nice Guy!

• ⁠The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

• ⁠The 4-Hour Workweek

• ⁠48 Laws of Power

• ⁠How to Win Friends and Influence People

• ⁠The Rational Male

• ⁠ Can’t Hurt Me

• ⁠Extreme Ownership

• Discipline Equals Freedom

• ⁠ Boundaries

• ⁠Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship

• ⁠Stop Walking on Eggshells

• ⁠Magic Words

• ⁠The Co-dependent’s User Manual (The last 4 are if your Ex was a Narc or Borderline)

The above are just the basics, if you have kids there should be a few others things you should start doing. If your Ex has a personality disorder there are several more things you need to do.

Do not share w your Ex you are doing these things. If she finds out, ok but this is your business for you to focus on. Do not let her draw you into talking about these things. They are yours and yours alone.

This not a sprint, it is more like a marathon, just keep moving forward one foot in front of the other. Your journey won’t be straight, some days you will feel like shit, some days you won’t. The important thing is that you keep doing some positive things in your life, for yourself.

And lastly, do NOT jump right back into another serious relationship. Figure out the part you played incoming to the divorce. Maybe it wasn’t much or maybe it was. Figure that out and be honest with yourself and accept feedback from those that know you (family, friends, therapist). Be ok w being on your own for awhile. Do NOT repeat the same mistakes that got you where you are right now. I would recommend taking at least a year to work on the above before dating again. If you really focus on the above you will go back to the dating market, if you so choose, in a much much better position.

Don’t give up, you’ve got this.

WestEssexEnclave · 2022-02-02T12:32:02+00:00

Exactly 100 days.

Our son was prevented from seeing me after I was almost arrested for taking him for a walk in his pushchair. My ex in laws brought him to a supermarket for an hour a week; my attempts to mediate and discuss had been refused outright at every step. I was trying to do things amicably so I didn't want to take things to court.

When I told ex in laws I was taking him for a walk they called 999 and claimed I was breaking a court order and was trying to abduct my own son (both untrue).

After this happened I was informed by my ex's solicitor that my choice was between a) seeing our son for an hour a week and not bringing my parents as they had been doing or b) nothing at all.

I refused option a and made a court application and my ex withdrew all contact. This resulted in our son not being permitted to see me on Father's Day, his birthday, etc.

During that time he took his first step, spoke his first word and I missed it. During this time however his jmother had informed me she had met someone else and my son (at an extremely young age) had chosen to call him `Daddy' and my by my first name.

At the first hearing her solicitor pointed out I was a stranger to our son because he hadn't seen me, about how the only contact his mother would consider would be in a contact centre and how she was a `struggling single mother' (while living with her wealthy parents) and I would have to pay for this if there were a cost.

After this our son was condemned to seeing me in a variety of contact centres with his mother dragging things our in successive hearings to attempt to keep things there for as long as possible.

Rough-Area4765 · 2022-02-02T12:56:46+00:00

Move back closer. Your temp orders won’t be favorable if you are “many states away”.

Took me 3 months to clear the false child abuse allegations. Was only allowed to see my kids for 4 hours on Saturday’s. I was homeless after being thrown out of my house that I was still paying mortgage on. Once protective order turned out to be false, I was able to see them every other weekend. It’s a tactic dirty attorneys coach emotionally charged mothers to use to get the upper hand and secure their child support payment. The court encourages such tactics to pay everyone involved. Families get destroyed daily in family court - the biggest corrupted racket that exists today.

Keep sane, logical, workout, off the alcohol and focus on the long game. For you, go get a minimum job, place to stay close by, rent a room, whatever you do, it will turn out ok if you stay logical. Hire an attorney and have her pay for it if you can’t afford one. Fight for your kids. Prove that you were a SAHD and you’ll get 50/50 after a while.

Divorce is a marathon, not a sprint. Expect years of combat when it’s high conflict.

HaloJonez · 2022-02-02T07:40:24+00:00

Shit bro, I feel this in my guts for you and I want you to know that there’s no easy answer but that we want you to stand firm. Take a breath and message your kids every day, get a book, right down your messages to them ready for the day that you can give it to them. Get a box and place things in there for them , even silly things like shells, shiny stones, receipts and drawings. You WILL see them again but not knowing when cannot be allowed to wound you. Grind your ex down with kindness, do not get waste your anger on her no matter how angry you feel. I wish I could take some hits for you mate. Keep in touch bro, reach out.

SecretDoctor8121 · 2022-02-02T07:32:31+00:00

1 month...well it was shit.

SireSweet · 2022-02-02T15:20:55+00:00

It’s been about 5 months. But I call almost everyday. I work too full time jobs so I’m pretty ducking tired most of the time.

I presume the deadbeats do it because they get caught up in their stuff. And sometimes the mother is also to blame so yo cope they try not to acknowledge that they have a kid.

Or they don’t want a child in the first place

IndifferentSkeptic · 2022-02-02T15:31:30+00:00

3 months. She took my son to another state. I filed an emergency motion and eventually got some* parenting time back. My ex has been denying parenting time here and there for years. It's cost me over 50 grand over the last 5 years to maintain an attorney and go back to court over and over and over.

If I denied parenting time like her I'd lost my parenting time and very likely go to jail.

The song Always by Killswitch Engage reminds me of the first time she kept my son from me.

WestEssexEnclave · 2022-02-02T22:21:47+00:00

The only way I could handle it was to categorically refuse to give up no matter what and vowed that I would be in my son's life.

By the time that happened I had lost my house, my business and was bankrupted. It took 5 years. My ex relocated my son 300 miles from London to rural Wales in a bid to get me to give up. I was depressed, then suicidal. It dropped to minus 14C indoors because I couldn't afford heating. I chopped up and burned furniture to star warm. I lived off food parcels my parents gave me.

During this time I had followed my son. I kept the case going. I represented myself. It took 15 hearings. My ex refused to mediate but agreed to more time with son at every hearing (aside from the ones she didn't show up at).

By the end my son was with me 40% of the time. I met my 2nd wife...turned out she was a qualified paralegal. She helped me in my case. We started a business helping people representing themselves and turned it into a franchise for others who help people in divorce, child contact and finances cases.

fnbob917 · 2022-02-02T08:27:26+00:00

Over a year and a half here. Only 3 fucking hours a week on Zoom, all monitored and recorded by the eyes Sauron. Worse of all, I was the one to say let’s take a break. She went for the goddamn jugular.

WarChildMKIV · 2022-02-02T10:59:15+00:00

A year not by my choice.

kapriece · 2022-02-02T14:25:47+00:00

5 years and counting

bacon-wrapped-steak · 2022-02-02T14:58:02+00:00

6 months. Still counting

mehmench · 2022-02-02T15:31:33+00:00

So far my oldest is a little over 2 months. It sucks.

JWStrokeme · 2022-02-02T15:58:20+00:00

Nearly a year and a half but I try to FaceTime and call frequently, can’t describe how it tears me up to not be involved in their lives like a father needs to be. I’m just a voice on the phone. It’s the family court system and the ex, I’m military had an agreement in CA and it wasn’t the best but had consistency. Orders came up I moved to NC, ex decided to move to ID without notice. Now nothing really stopping her from saying no to visitation. Going back to court but we all know the process and money involved. 12 year old I’ve explained things to and she is beginning to see how it’s panned out and why but the 7 year old just knows that’s how it’s always been. I want them full time with understanding the need mom in their life but we know how fair that works out for us all.

thiefzer0 · 2022-02-02T21:50:38+00:00

I went from Aug 19 to Dec 3 without seeing my daughter in person. It sucked, I can't even freakin describe it. In fact I'm sitting here at work trying to kill a little time before end of day and I'm tearing up remembering. During that time I got a handful of short video calls, but it was rare.

I had a hard time figuring out what hurt more, having my daughter yanked away who I had spent almost the entire pandemic with in some capacity and had a very close connection to... or losing my wife who had at one point been my #1 best friend in the whole world.

In the end does it even fucking matter though. It's a lose/lose every time. But at least I was able to win EoW in court. Got lucky with lawyers, mine's a rockstar. Even though it's expensive and now I have pay an insane amount of child support, at least I'm paying to put it on his shoulders and give myself some space to live/breathe.

I handled it by crying alot, by getting very angry, experiencing more mood swings than I'd ever felt in my entire life, and feeling every day was a roller coaster where I needed to vomit. But it SLOWLY gets better. I'm maybe 20% better now than I was then but I am good at putting on a face and getting through the day. I cry a little at night and in the morning, and sometimes in the car. It helps.

I'm going to send up a prayer for you u/geology_socks/. You'll get through it, but it's going to suck.

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2022-02-02T21:57:24+00:00

8 months due to false allegations

Sea-Mission-6316 · 2022-02-02T19:33:01+00:00

Sorry you are going through this brother. For me, it was months at a stretch. I used to have 50/50 and had the kids every other week. As time went on, she and her family started bad mouthing me to them. Nothing egregious, but little digs again and again. After a while, they started wanting to spend less and less time with me. I was always broke from having to pay her a big chunk every month for child support since she quit her job and convinced a doctor to put her on disability. She hasn't held a job in years.

Since it "wasn't fun" at my place because I couldn't afford to spend money on going out to eat and to the movies like their mom and her family, they eventually stayed with her all the time. We did things like hiking and going to nature to play which is my passion, but their mom always looked down her nose at these activities. Eventually, the kids did as well. I tried to stay in my kids lives the best I could, but eventually realized it was their choice. I backed off to give them some space to see if they even missed me. It was weeks before I heard from them, and that was because they needed something from me. That situation lasted for years.

They are grown now and have started coming around more. We are working to slowly rebuild a relationship, but it's tough. A lot of time passed, and I missed a big part of their lives. I was a great dad before, if I do say so myself. The kids even tell me that, but now I honestly struggle with giving a flip. I love them, but not sure I like them if you can understand what I mean. Good luck to you brother. Hope things get better soon for you.

Title	What’s the longest you’ve gone without seeing your kid(s)?
Author	geology_socks
Upvotes	22
Comments	46
Date	February 2, 2022 7:24 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/siiiq0/whats_the_longest_youve_gone_without_seeing_your/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/whats-the-longest-youve-gone-without-seeing-your.1100204 https://theredarchive.com/post/1100204

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