How can I repair my marriage and make it more likely that my husband will forgive me?

pearlsandstilettos · 2022-04-24T12:58:03+00:00

RPW,

The OP and I had a bit of a conversation about this in modmail here is some of her elaboration to get you start

Hi, thanks for looking at the revised post. So far all of our fights have been when I miss a spot cleaning so yes I am repeatedly careless. He does tell me to clean impeccably but I have failed so far because sometimes he notices some dust somewhere. I always apologize profusely and tell him how sorry I am and usually he stops being angry at me after a few days to a week. This is the first time he has been mad so long. In terms of money we do live modestly since I'm the sole breadwinner but I have been working overtime and looking for another job to take on to make things more comfortable. I really hope that you can help because I am desperate to make this work and change myself so that I can be a good wife.

I know that there will be a instinct here to claim abuse. I don't know if that is true without more questions and neither do you. Ask questions, remember that that you have one side of a story.

My personal opinion is that we should help the OP self reflect. Either her husband is unreasonablely controlling and she needs help to see that OR her framing removes her all responsibility and agency; if he's not abusive then that probably isn't the case.

Comments that JUST say to run or the like will be removed. Handle with grace RPW, this is someone's life.

BetterButterscotch · 2022-04-24T13:22:12+00:00

So OP is the sole breadwinner (based on mod's comment)?

It does sound like he is controlling in some ways.. I wonder if this is because he hasn't taken on enough leadership roles in his life and is trying to be a leader by controlling you? I think this would make sense given his age. Maybe a job of some kind would make him feel more in control over his life and wouldn't feel the need to take it out on you?

I personally dont know what you can do to work on earning his forgiveness because you didn't do anything intentionally. If he says he no longer loves you because of you being in a dangerous situation.. I am a bit concerned. I think the anger is less about the car situation and more about something else.

saddensgirl · 2022-04-24T14:51:46+00:00

Do you want to be with a man who values objects more than the life of his wife? A car window can be replaced, your life cannot be.

Did he show any concern for your well being like being upset you could've been harmed? I'm really hoping the answer is yes, but if it isn't this is something I would think long and hard about.

Also no human is perfect and your home will never be perfectly clean. What's he going to do if you get pregnant and have to be on bed rest and cannot keep the house immaculate? Is he going to storm out then and call you irresponsible again? Do you want to deal with walking on egg shells the rest of your life trying to be the perfect wife at all times?

morganKxoxo · 2022-04-24T14:31:13+00:00

That happened to my husbands car when he was parked right outside of one of the nicest restaurants in town in the nicest zip code in the city.

Your husband is looking for excuses. Car break in happens EVERYWHERE. You guys need to go to therapy and figure out the actual root of what’s going on. This is a very bad reason to stop loving someone and to be so hostile, you aren’t in the wrong here

Sea_Bookkeeper_1533 · 2022-04-24T14:11:59+00:00

Your question relates to fixing the marriage and I'm not suggesting you leave but I haven't really seen anything positive about this man.

In what ways is he contributing to your life? You are providing as well as homemaking and he's doing what, exactly, apart from berating you?

emmalai85 · 2022-04-24T14:25:22+00:00

he likely just wants to not be married, or realized he rushed into things with you.

Nothing you do will be good enough for him at this point. You can try therapy to see if it's reparable, but if he doesn't love you, I'd move on. This is going to blow up in your face one way or another at this point.

JD1386 · 2022-04-24T13:20:25+00:00

He was looking for an excuse.

AriesAsF · 2022-04-24T13:23:32+00:00

If he says your mistake was unforgivable and he no longer loves you, BELIEVE him. You don't need his forgiveness for something that wasn't your fault. Your car got broken into. You were the victim of a crime. Now imagine if you were a victim of assault, I can only assume that would be your fault too in his mind. If you were in a car wreck? If you get sick? You are only 21, why live like this? Doing all the cleaning and getting fussed at for leaving behind some dust? Supporting a man who doesn't seem to add anything to your life? Nothing you do will ever be good enough, you will never be appreciated or cared for or helped when you need it. Think of your future children, your girls especially, and reconsider whether you even want his forgiveness or should he be begging for yours?

ytpq · 2022-04-24T14:20:43+00:00

Were you supposed to park a mile away in a different neighborhood and walk? Or never visit your cousin anymore? Honest question, what would have been the 'better' option? I live in one of the best neighborhoods in my city, and our friend still got his car broken into a few months ago, it happens everywhere.

dusky-jewel · 2022-04-25T00:17:42+00:00

You're the breadwinner and you also do all the house cleaning while he criticizes how you do it?

Literally every place is hiring right now but he "can't find a job" for five solid months?

Dear Lord girl, what did you marry?

Tell him he can comment on your choices and responsibility level when he either gets a job or starts cleaning the house, doing the laundry, and cooking. From what I see, he contributing nothing at all but feels entitled to criticize everything you do. Why on God's green earth would any woman accept this crap in Anno Domini 2022?!

itsmemaggi · 2022-04-24T14:05:08+00:00

Based on what I've read, I think there's got to be more at play than just the car being broken into, or you being a subpar housewife. Is he looking for a reason to leave you? The answer is likely yes.

A friend of mine thought she had the "perfect" marriage. Then one day her husband pulled the rug out from under her, saying she'd done something ages ago that he could never forgive her for, and that he didn't love her anymore. She was devastated, waved to work through it, was desperate to fix it .. until she found out the real reason: he'd met someone else. I'm not saying your man's had an affair. Just that when they want to leave, when they are "done," they can pull out an excuse from anywhere, and there's little that can be done to change their minds. This goes for either sex.

You sound like you want to change to please him. I don't think that's a bad thing. Just don't beat yourself up if he still decides he's "done."

alien_eater289 · 2022-04-25T01:44:59+00:00

What does your husband contribute to the relationship?

gd_reinvent · 2022-04-24T14:47:30+00:00

You are the sole breadwinner

He gets mad if you don't clean impeccably

He's been mad at you for a month because you parked a car somewhere and it got broken into.

He claims he no longer loves you.

He doesn't work. Why not? Do you have kids and is he a stay at home dad? Does he take on all of the housework and cooking instead of working (Doesn't sound like it to me based on what you said)? Is he dedicating his life to some kind of volunteer work like missionary work? Is he caring for a sick or disabled family member? Is he sick or disabled himself or going through treatment? Is he trying to start a business or studying? Is he temporarily out of work but doing the best he can to get a new job?

If it's one of the above, he could be very very stressed out by his situation - get him to talk to an older person he respects and will listen to about his situation and what can be done to help him. Get him the help he needs to cope. Do speak compassionately to him, with the backing of as many friends and family as you can get, and say, 'I/We understand you are having a very difficult time with xxx lately. We will help you as much as we can. But that is no excuse to talk to your wife like that. If you want something, ask nicely.'

If it's none of the above: In this case, he sounds incredibly lazy and like a bit of a moocher who neither works nor helps around the house. If he has also been this angry at you over one mistake for this long and is still refusing to talk, still refusing to listen, still saying mean things, etc, I would ask an older, trusted family member or friend he respects to come over who will stay neutral and won't take sides. Then, with this older friend's backing, I would ask him point blank, why he thinks you are useless, unattractive and untrustworthy. Listen. Ask him what he wants you to do to fix it. If it's something reasonable, do it. If it's something unreasonable, or he refuses to give a straight answer, tell him, with the backing of this older person, that he is being rude and unreasonable, and also ask him that if he really thinks those things, why is he still here. Tell him that if he wants to stay, he can, but he must stop his behaviour and talk, and start contributing to the household. Tell him if he doesn't want to do those things, there is the door.

Add: 'I am desperate to make this work and change myself so I can be a good wife.'

I had this same conversation with a new male coworker a year, maybe eighteen months ago now. His fiancee, who he was with for twelve years, had a very long affair, and blamed him. He was devastated, and kept saying how angry he was, but also how much he loved her and how much he wanted to make things work. He thankfully decided to let her go. I told him, sometimes loving someone isn't enough. Some people don't appreciate even the most beautiful gifts they get given. Jesus said not to throw pearls to pigs. And He was a beautiful gift that was hurt and thrown out too.

Nobunnyashh · 2022-04-25T01:02:12+00:00

Your mistake of someone else breaking into your car is unforgivable?

Wow. If that is unforgivable then I can only imagine what else would be considered unforgivable.

You said "what turned out to be an unsafe neighborhood", so this indicates to me that you were not actually aware it was an unsafe neighborhood with the heightened possibility of car break ins? I just am in disbelief that this is the reaction. If this happened to me my husband would be worried sick and asking if I was okay and helping me to file a police report and get with insurance.

I'm sorry but this just doesn't seem like a healthy reaction or relationship to me.

TheBunk_TB · 2022-04-24T22:50:05+00:00

I am not making excuses for him (or even for her), but after reading/digging...he seems to be on the verge of some bad stuff. Signs of stress breakdown, obsessive tendencies, etc.

I am worried about you both. He needs to get help that you can't give.. He needs to do many things for himself before there can be a "you".

SatyaNi · 2022-04-24T20:04:08+00:00

That can't he all there is to the story.

Else he is not fit to be anybody's partner, let alone a husband.

yogaknight66 · 2022-04-24T20:54:02+00:00

He’s 21 and has irrational expectations. I wonder if he comes from a family that had extreme discipline and harshness? It would explain some of his behavior. Appeasing his overzealousness will only get more if it. It’s a closed loop. Somehow you have to stand up for yourself more. And at his age he has nothing to compare you to. You’re a far to accommodating woman, one that he disrespects.

2022-04-24T22:38:53+00:00

You work, he doesn't, he is not content with housework, and while he has the right to think you were reckless, he blames you for it as a way to avoid his role as a protector. I mean, I can't say anything here because I do not know him, but be careful. It seems like he is looking for excuses, maybe has some weird ideas on marriage. Idk, he seems immature. Now this is just assumptions, you need to judge for youreself.

cbunni666 · 2022-04-24T23:24:32+00:00

This is not a healthy relationship. Period. Don't bother trying to make it work.

SRaeM92 · 2022-04-25T06:14:28+00:00

This guy sounds like a pussy and an idiot.

amazing-table179 · 2022-04-25T16:11:14+00:00

So here‘s the cold hard truth: He treats you like that because he can, he takes you for granted. By telling you how he sees no future, he makes you work even harder to win his compassion back. I 110% believe that he absolutely wants to keep you, you apparently are the only thing thats holding his life together. If you want things to change, you need to break that circle. Why should he change, when he still gets all the benefits? Say to him: Fine, you don‘t see any future in us? You don‘t want me anymore? You can have that! Clean your house yourself and take care of how you earn your bread yourself than… and you move to a friend, your parents or whoever, but you leaf. IF your marriage has a future, he will realise, all the thing you did and how much he needs you to keep his comfortable life, he will probably come crawling back to you… If that happens you are in the most powerful position, so thats when you can dictate the circumstances under which you come back and how you want to be treated. He is probably pretty obstinate so you need to wait some time for him to come to you. Make shure he know you left because of how he treats you. Leave a note or something. And always remember: HE NEEDS YOU WAY MORE THAN YOU NEED HIM. You are a capable probably attractive young woman in your absolute prime. Finding someone who treats you better will be like snipping your fingers. Take a look on subs like r/tinder and you will see the dynamics of dating for males and females in your agegroup. You hold all the cards in your hand, play them!!!

Well i have a few things to say, i don‘t know if i as a dude am allowed here but i just can‘t hold that back.

There are more „modern“ relationships, where both have a job and both share the responsibilitys of the household. There are also more „traditional“ relationships where one partner (mostly the husband) earns the money and the other (mostly the wife) takes care of the house and kids. Everyone has the right to decide in which model he/she wants to life, given the partner feels the same. But your model sounds to me like you do everything. So you get up in the morning and go to your job, then you come home and make him dinner i guess? and then you do the laundry and cleaning. Then finally you share the bed with him and make him sexualy statisfied before falling asleep tiered from your day of doing everything. Do you believe this is fair to you? What would you advice a daughter to do if she was in this situation?
You earn all the money, so you pay for all the things, so you pay for repairing the car… What is he complaining about? If my girlfriend went somewhere and got our or even my car broken into i would A: Hug her and ask if she was okay? B: Ask if she had anything valuable in the car that got stolen and needs to be replaced. C: Discuss with her how we can solve that problem together most efficiently, i mean shes my partner. And lastly discuss what we could learn from the situation and how it could be avoided in the future. If she is the one how paid for the car and pays for the repair i would just ask if there is anything i could do to support her doing this.
Okay i will try to stay as neutral as possible with this one. You clean the whole house, he doesn‘t do anything and then he complains about some f***ing dust somewhere? Does he pay you a salary? Because it sounds like you are his housemaid.
Okay i guess the point of RPW has something to do with woman taking on a more traditional role in a relationship. (i dont know i just stumbled into this sub.) But does this mean you want to be some mans property? Don‘t you want to be loved by your husband? And if your husband loves you doesn‘t he want you to be happy? How can you be happy if you are treated like this? So what does either of you get out of the relationship: Him -> Wellfare(you earn the bread he eats), a clean home without moving a finger, someone who probably always listens if he wants to talk, probably sex. You: You share your income and clean someones house so you basically work 2 jobs for half of one salary. He is cold to you so you don’t get any companionship… What is it you get?

UkiTeru90 · 2022-04-24T14:29:27+00:00

ok hes overreacting things happen everyday whether good neighborhood or bad(good neighborhood someone could've hit the car now you've got an accident etc)if he wants to call quits let em go..you dont get angry over something someone has no control over..if you feel so adamantly talk it out but call it quits..think of this what else is he gonna be angry about know that sometimes husbands have to draw the line on somethings because doesn't want you to be absentminded when you should be careful but see the hidden meaning here..did he ask if you're ok nope..there red flag..so let em go..car can be replaced you cant..good luck

justa_cat_in_disgize · 2022-04-25T02:27:20+00:00

I’m failing to find any redeeming qualities in this man. OP, what good is he? Honestly, what does he bring to the table?

SecretFeminine · 2022-04-30T22:22:20+00:00

He’s acting emasculated and irrational because he can’t do husband duties (provider and protector). Since he can’t do this for whatever reason, he is pushing you away and blaming you rather than step up and take the wheel. You can try to build him up but he sounds like a weak leader.

absoluteidealismftw · 2022-04-24T19:43:25+00:00

Perhaps you can ask him to punish you, and then try to forgive you?

GebCronusYhwhEl · 2022-04-24T18:38:02+00:00

Overreaction but you need to make sure you understand safety awareness

Title	How can I repair my marriage and make it more likely that my husband will forgive me?
Author	teatimeforlambs
Upvotes	28
Comments	55
Date	April 24, 2022 7:17 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/uap6pp/how_can_i_repair_my_marriage_and_make_it_more/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-can-i-repair-my-marriage-and-make-it-more.1111385 https://theredarchive.com/post/1111385