Opinions please

Eve-3 · 2022-05-03T18:03:19+00:00

Do it now while you can. The sooner the better. Ask a lawyer about fixing your income to time of separation versus time of divorce. If it has to be the latter then sacrifice a bit in the divorce knowing that time is very important. Also ask your boss to delay your pay increase if that's possible.

Gattsama · 2022-05-03T20:29:53+00:00

So basically you fucked up, and you are BOTH using that guilt and mistake to punish you. Look dude, you cheating is clearly stupid and wrong, you don't want to be in the relationship then get out. By putting your dick in someone else, keeping secrets and lying; you already decided to end it. You are now holding on because of: guilt? shame? honor? love? etc?? Do you even know?

Don't know your full story, but if money is about to increase, stop and file today. That locks in your current money (in WA state you could even get the rise after filing). You have kids. So step back and do what you need to do to terminate your marriage, take care of your kids, take care of your wife and take care of yourself.

Once a cheater always a cheater. I'm not being hard on you, or even judging. Just being realistic. YOU fucked up, and she's going to want crazy stuff to feel secure: GPS, randoming checking you phone, access to all accounts, putting you on an allowance, etc. If you are not willing to do these things the marriage fails. You do all these things and she still does feel safe (doesn't matter if you never cheat again), and the marriage fails. You don't want to do these things, the marriage fails. The next time you have problems, well she knows you have cheated before then so no matter what you are doing she'll want more then; and again don't do them = failure.

It's really hard to come back from cheating for most. You were not happy, are not happy and are unlikely to be happy. Again, not trying to be harsh here; but you made the selfish decision before. Stay the course and follow through, file before the rise and exit as strong as possible.

Good luck and stay safe out there

edr5619 · 2022-05-03T20:36:25+00:00

Might not matter ultimately. These things, particularly child support, can be amended in the future based on post-divorce changes in financial circumstances.

2022-05-03T18:04:11+00:00

both morally and financially, you should file now. good luck, be easy on her, and hopefully you can grow from this as well

throwaway7985076 · 2022-05-04T12:07:03+00:00

No man goes into marriage with the knowledge that the sex will stop or be controlled by one individual in the relationship or with the goal of going outside the marriage to meet your sexual needs. While cheating is not the greatest thing in the world, were you the first person to "change" the marriage agreement or did she when your sex life went non existent? I am asking a question here, not making a stance on any morality.... Society vilifies cheating in a relationship but there's no discussion about how the relationship got to the point where one partner started cheating. Be critical of yourself and understand that you are ultimately responsible for where you are in life. Make it a goal to not get to the point where you are in a relationship that doesn't meet your needs before you are tempted to go outside the relationship but also give yourself the grace to consider all of the factors that all went into your situation.

Just some perspective

Shaved-extremes · 2022-05-03T18:56:34+00:00

This is my story word for word.. she is unrelenting after I got caught (7 months ago) I regret the affair (was only 3 months) but life with her was pretty bad for years before-she doesn’t seem like she even realizes how bad it was-I begged her to have counseling or have her family talk to her about her behavior and feisty attitude towards anyone she came across and her general paranoia about everything and sudden extreme religious tendencies. I’m waiting until the kids school year is over then file. I want to be fair to her about alimony because she didn’t work to raise our kids for 13 years. I just want out of this shackle. I feel bad for my young teenage kids but they will be better off without the vicious daily arguments and breaking of cell phones/peeing in my passenger seat (yes she did that on our car trip back from SF-she said she was going to take a shit on it lol-Amber Heard style and kids were in back seat crying). Anyways-after years of waffling back and forth I think I’m ready to file. I tried but she won’t change and my affair will put me back in a cage like you said-I don’t want that. Good luck man. Just file-pay her what she deserves-she bore your kids whom you love I’m sure.

ijustdontcare74 · 2022-05-04T05:27:45+00:00

Get out now. Yes you did F'up, but for a reason. You were unhappy, in a DB situation.....you have to ask yourself WHY? If the marriage was good, the DB probably wouldn't have existed. Chances are even if you didn't cheat you'd have ended up here anyway, maybe sooner maybe later, but divorce was kind of inevitable. I won't judge you for having an affair, each person's choices are their own. My own DB situation almost had me having an affair, but events conspired to swerve me from that path. I wish I had, because it might have woken me up sooner and made me leave my wife earlier.

IMHO this is beyond repair now, so best you lance the boil early to avoid future damage....and for gods sake don't tell her about the pay rise EVER!!!!

pegleg_legal · 2022-05-04T08:37:17+00:00

she's still hateful and vicious

prepare your anus

The only ways forward you have are: (1) submit to her will and control or (2) a divorce with 95% probability of it blowing up. From your side, you should march forward in as clinical a fashion as possible. She loves you and she hates you for what you've done. If you aren't willing to submit to her control, there's no way to rebuild trust AND even then, it's super difficult.

You cannot, sir, have it both ways.

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-05-04T11:06:07+00:00

> I moved out.

Move back in. Today. You've made the worst mistake you can in divorce. Here's why: http://forum.mensdivorce.com/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=81622

> Is it wrong for me to just to decide to flush it now to (potentially) protect myself financially.

Not at all.

> Divorce has been discussed and we agreed to do mediation.
95% of divorce is finalized before trial.

playerknowmore · 2022-05-03T21:52:06+00:00

Two years dead bedroom? I doubt you were the only one who cheated. Too many times a woman cheating creates a dead bedroom. Women seem to find it hard to be loyal to two men. The husband is rarely the guy she is loyal to.

47omek · 2022-05-03T18:30:38+00:00

Don't screw yourself over because you're guilty about the affair - as far as I'm concerned if she's forcing a dead bedroom on you then you're free to get it where you can at that point. "To have and to hold" is just as important part of wedding vows as "forsaking all others". Get out before your income goes up.

crypto_keeper88 · 2022-05-03T21:14:34+00:00

Get a divorce and give her what she wants, you ruined any chance of fixing the marriage by cheating.

thedarkaquarian007 · 2022-05-04T13:14:44+00:00

Google, borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder. Your wife is showing signs of either one or both. Of course, i am not a shrink.

Also, implement the 180 and gray rock methods whenever she becomes vicious.

Wild_Cauliflower2336 · 2022-05-04T18:10:24+00:00

I read your other posts and you're a douche. You've cheated on your wife multiples times with multiple people, have 5 kids, and now want to screw her over even more. You tried to come off all innocent and guilty in this post to get sympathy responses and get the answer that you're fishing for. It's been only 3 months that your wife found out that you've been cheating and you think she should already be over it by now. And I bet that she doesn't even know a fraction of what you've already done. I hope she takes you for everything she can. You're an asshole and a definite narcissist.

Title	Opinions please
Author	UsualPayment3181
Upvotes	3
Comments	28
Date	May 3, 2022 5:14 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/uhky17/opinions_please/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/opinions-please.1115702 https://theredarchive.com/post/1115702

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