I've been doing a lot of thinking about myself for the past couple years ever since I've come to this sub. Before that, I was a lot angrier of a person and used to think the reason I was perpetually single had something to do with "creep paranoia" and the fact that "women only like assholes".

Now don't get me wrong, both of those phenomena are very real, and they have undoubtedly affected my life to some extent, but I've begun to realize that they don't totally explain my situation. They don't explain it because not all women like assholes and not all women are intensely paranoid about creepy men to the point of interpreting innocent gestures as malicious. Neither are they all evil harpies out to make men feel like monsters by rejecting them and making fun of their relationship status, either.

Now don't get me wrong. I really appreciate all of you who helped me realize I wasn't crazy in thinking that it was unfair to use "virgin" as an insult. (Alluding to my first post here). It really helped me psychologically to know that there were others, like me, who see modern feminism getting out of hand and backsliding into traditionalism, while remaining true egalitarians. I've always wanted to consider myself a true egalitarian, but in the past I haven't always been the best at it. I've let frustration mess with good intentions and I've definitely said misogynistic things in anguish. I deeply regret that not just because its wrong and hurtful, but also because I didn't even really believe it, and that caused me to hate myself more.

So thank you for helping me to be a better egalitarian.

Now onto the meat of my post. What do I think, then, is the reason I've had absolutely no success with women my entire life? Well, this is where the title comes in.

Deep down, I am starting to really understand that I am just not a very masculine guy. Especially by the traditional definition, but also just in general as well. When it comes to dating, I just don't feel like I can live up to the masculine role. I am deeply uncomfortable acting dominant, confident, and aggressive.

I'm not saying I'm a pathetic shivering mess that stutters when even he tries to talk to a girl, either. No, back in my college days I used to chat with women without issue. Ok, I wasn't just confidently walking up to them out of nowhere and saying hi, but it wasn't something I was afraid of either. For example, like if we ended up sat next to each other in the same class or working on the same group project.

What I lack is that cocksure, masculine spark, I guess. Or maybe you want to call it "manly ego". Deep down, I really just want to be gentle and loving to women, and I want them to be gentle and loving to me. I'm not the kind of guy who could go out to bars every night, approach hundreds of women, walk away unfazed until I eventually seduce one, "take charge", and throw her down on the bed. Whenever I've tried to be dominant like that, my attempts have come off as over the top and clumsy because I can't even imagine what that would look like. Its just so against my nature.

In fact, I don't even really want to hook up all that much. Having lots of one night stands just seems weird to me. Like...it literally seems like a superhuman feat of confidence to me for someone to be willing to get intimate with someone they just met. Maybe its just because I'm introverted, or maybe its because of low testosterone or something, but cuddling with a girl almost sounds more appealing to me than sex. I don't really want flings, I want a relationship. And apparently that puts me in the minority of men my age (20's).

When I consider what would typically be called the "female role", it just sounds sooo much better. I want to feel like I'm alluring and valued. I want to be pursued. One of my greatest fantasies would be something like a beautiful woman coming up sweeping me off my feet. I'm not saying I'm into BDSM dominatrixes or something, this isn't a fetish, but why do relationships have to have such rigid roles? Why does one side always have to be one way, and the other the other way? I'd rather just treat a girlfriend like an equal. Take turns being the "initiator". Take turns letting the other one rest their head in our lap and stroking their hair as they cry.

By contrast the masculine role just sounds so incredibly boring and dehumanizing to me. You have to put on a completely fake aura of confidence (for I can't honestly imagine how someone could feel so confident, it just seems fratboyishly idiotic to me), take 100's of rejections, remain (or at least pretend to remain) unfazed by them all, all for the shitty reward of eventually letting someone else experience the fun part anyway.

The worst thing is hearing other men talk about you just need to "act like a man" and feeling frustrated at how natural it comes to them, knowing that it doesn't for me. On the other hand, it is also extremely frustrating to hear people say "don't worry, just be yourself, women love sweet/emotional/shy men" when that so blatantly contradicts reality. So pick your poison I guess.

I want to make something clear though. I don't hate masculine men for being the way they are and I don't hate women for loving masculine men. I'll be honest, I used to. With a burning passion. Its very tempting to simply believe that everyone else who is successful at something you're not is evil. But now I know its possible not to be a sexist jerk but still be a manly man. I know that there's nothing wrong with fitting in to traditional gender roles. I get that it's important to male advocacy to make people understand that being manly isn't "toxic" as long as you don't do it in a way that hurts women. I know that being dominant romantically doesn't mean you have to dominate women socially.

Its just that, for the life, of me, I can't understand what it is that people find so wonderful about traditional roles. It really feels like looking at an alien culture sometimes. I don't mean that to sound insulting, its just how I really feel.

The reason I'm dumping this on all of you is because frankly, I don't know where else to put it without either being made fun of or patronized. Though they might claim otherwise, many supposedly "progressive" spaces will mock a man as soon as he doesn't fit a traditional role.

I'm not looking to hear soothing lies though either. I just want to get this off my chest. I feel like I'm sinking into an abyss of hopelessness, and loosing my hate for both women and "chads" ironically makes me feel worse and more hopeless because it gives me no outlet. I can't even hate myself, because I don't feel ashamed of who I am or wish I was different. But when I look at my future prospects for having a relationship or even just getting to have sex once, it seems hopeless.

99.99% of women aren't going to want a guy like me, and the only way to think about that without being a hateful incel is to just say "Yeah, that's completely ok."