Discussion- Women going back to their toxic bf/ex after bad mouthing them in front of their friends.

Mrs_Drgree · 2022-07-16T21:08:51+00:00

Removed for bad faith.

sarkington · 2022-07-16T19:04:07+00:00

Complaining and doing nothing is not a female only behavior

VeliVoy · 2022-07-16T19:01:10+00:00

This is something both men and women do, and has to do with each person's history and mental health. For example, people that grew up in abusive homes are more likely to have abusive partners—their brains associate abuse with love. Some people will feel like they deserve the abuse "he/she abused me because I did x wrong." A lot of this is subconscious. Apart from that abusers will often apologize, promise to change, or gaslight victims. Sometimes it's as simple as a man/woman loving their abusive partner and wanting to work through the abuser's issues together—abusers are not always abusive 100% of the time. Sometimes they can be charming, loving partners for long stretches of time. There are also situations where both people are abusive and feed off of each other.

gofigure62 · 2022-07-16T19:03:28+00:00

Dysfunctional people do dysfunctional things.

You've never seen an addict say they'd never touch a drug again and then continue to do drugs?

You've never seen a procrastinator say that they'll manage their time better only to wait until the last minute again?

You don't see any other human displaying this type of behavior with anything else?

chalkandapples · 2022-07-16T19:17:43+00:00

The going back to the toxic ex part is a separate issue from bad mouthing them in front of their friends. When you're angry, it's normal to vent somewhere, and if you have close friends that's were you go. There's a lot of things we say in anger, and when listening to that rant, you should know that they're heavily emphasizing everything that's bad about the guy while minimizing everything good. After the wave of anger passed, their thoughts might equalize again. This would be true if the guy isn't actually that bad and they just needed venting. As a friend you need to figure out if this is angry talk or if there's real concern, and maybe talk to her when she's happier to see how she feels when not at the peak of anger.

If the guy is actually toxic, that might be more of an abusive cycle, or if there's something that she's super not willing to give up despite the bad relationship.

baresquad · 2022-07-16T19:17:59+00:00

It's none of our business to make sense of what other people do in dating. I know we love the bad boy always gets the girl narrative but those relationships aren't examples of healthy normal ones

You guys have way too much of a savior complex when it comes to women in bad relationships. Those women not dating those type men isn't gonna magically fix the dating game or solve individual's dating woes

januaryphilosopher · 2022-07-16T18:56:30+00:00

It's likely they're stuck in an abuse cycle, which can be applied to bad behaviour that isn't necessarily abuse. After abuse happens, the victim will want and possibly try to leave, and then the abuser finds various ways to convince them to stay (and they can be very good at manipulating others, often without realising) until abuse happens again. Then the cycle repeats. There's a stage where the victim is hurt enough to actively try to get help, but the cycle can be very hard to break.

DreysunTheOne · 2022-07-16T19:00:26+00:00

usually enough gaslighting to make sure she sees herself in a negative light, so she eventually tells herself "no one would take me, I should be lucky to have him."

this mind fuck is how most abusers keep their wives and gfs around.

Laytheblameonluck · 2022-07-16T19:14:10+00:00

Relationships can be tough, especially for people under 25 or so. Takes awhile to find oneself and find a person who shares goals and interests. Nearly everyone vents from time to time and when people are upset, they tend to catastrophize. Makes disagreements feel insurmountable in the moment. But relationships require work and compromise.

The men who tend to believe that women choose assholes are men who are angry they weren’t chosen. The orbiters, the self-described nice guys. The man who claims to be high value and speaks poorly of men who are socially successful. After those men have a couple relationships of their own, they will realize that romance can be messy and frustrating, but that doesn’t mean that it’s doomed or that one or both partners are toxic.

Soon-to-be-Catlady · 2022-07-16T20:11:34+00:00

I know one case of that, and they both were toxic. They fought in front of everyone, broke up, she cried, and next day all was back to normal. One time they did that whole spiel at a friend's birthday and another friend of ours didn't get the memo and thought it was so tragic, was comforting her after, saying how he always thought her ex was a dick. Well next day they are back together but she feels uncomfortable meeting with that friend because "he hates my boyfriend". Absolutely ridiculous!

2022-07-16T19:33:39+00:00

Ime there is significant overlap between people who air out their relationship problems on a whim and people who are addicted to drama/unhealthy dynamics in general.

When a close friend of mine was in a toxic/emotionally abusive relationship literally the only two people she felt comfortable telling were me and another person she's known since childhood. The breakup came as a complete surprise to everyone else including family, her other best friends, etc. and to this day they still don't know the full extent of what happend.

smallstarseeker · 2022-07-16T20:21:26+00:00

Both of them are abusive.He is abusing her by treating her like shit.

And she will proactively look for someone to pass on that toxic shit. Once she has unloaded her venom, she will get back to getting some dick.

niki-cole58 · 2022-07-16T20:22:28+00:00

First off, people who air their relationship openly will always catch extra input with narrow minded views. Just don’t do it. Saves everyone a lot of grief and energy. The ones who do this are contributing to the toxic environment. Most of the time, it’s money and stability. People will say anything to keep a partner from leaving, including promises of change in attitude. Abuse always starts small too. First it’s a violent outburst against inanimate objects like throwing something. She’ll get scared and what out, but he’ll cry and promise it won’t happen again. Next time, it’s a hole in the wall. Apologize, rinse, repeat. It accelerates each time and all while he’s digging a deeper and deeper hole, isolating her from friends, removing her access to any independent activity.

When I was actively working to leave my narcissist ex, I had lost my vehicle, got fired from a job due to his interference, and was no longer actively volunteering in community projects as I had been when we met. I wanted to believe that if he sobered up and got therapy, he’d be the man I loved. But I figured out through my own counseling that he was a con man who tricked me and my family into accepting a very fake version of himself. I had a friend group do an intervention with me, and agreed to help me move out, but only once and they wouldn’t tolerate me going back to him. Eventually I found the courage to not go home and my family went and packed his truck for him and sent him back home to his family. It still took me 3 more months to go full no contact with him, 6 whole months of plotting my escape from him. There is a cycle of abuse. Honeymoon phase goes into escalation, leading to an explosive episode, followed by apologies and promises, then back to honeymoon phase.

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jjlew922 · 2022-07-16T19:22:42+00:00

It’s called a Trauma Bond. You will see this in abusive relationships where there is a push/pull dynamic where an abuser feels slighted (real or imagined) and then reacts actively or passively aggressive to get their partner to react emotionally in an effort to push them away to then pull them back in by means of manipulation to reestablish a sense of power and control over the other person and relationship. It’s likened to Stockholm Syndrome. There is an underlying emotional immaturity present at best or a personality disorder at worst like narcissistic personality disorder. If you see a cycle where a woman continually goes back to a man after his bad behavior, she’s most likely dealing with an abuser. Not saying both can’t be abusive and that’s where you often see a woman with BPD and a man with NPD.

thetruthishere_ · 2022-07-16T19:51:04+00:00

Its a people thing not women. Past trauma or they are trauma bonded. They are not emotionally healthy people.

2022-07-16T20:23:01+00:00

Trauma bonding. Plain and simple.

Hoopy223 · 2022-07-16T20:27:15+00:00

They love the drama and attention. Stop picking up the phone whenever she wants a shoulder to cry on. You aren’t her psychiatrist or savior.

The guy isn’t as bad as they say he is. If you get to know him you’ll probably find out he is a normal dude with a bit of image/swagger/unpredictability that appeals to her. His “jerk” behavior might just be that he does what he wants to do instead of what she wants.

Some women you could put in a room with 100 guys and they will sniff out the one guy who is a walking dumpster fire. Run far away imho.

2022-07-16T20:31:40+00:00

That's a toxic relationship for you. The lows are low, but the highs are so high that you forget about the bad parts. Happens to men and women.

RIPGeorgeHarrison · 2022-07-16T20:43:43+00:00

Some people are just damaged goods, and chances are they aren’t going to be getting the help they need or listening to it anytime soon.

DXBrigade · 2022-07-16T20:45:07+00:00

People who complain about thei ex should be taken with a grain of salt.

Title	Discussion- Women going back to their toxic bf/ex after bad mouthing them in front of their friends.
Author	VeliVoy
Upvotes	12
Comments	73
Date	July 16, 2022 6:45 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/w0ngez/discussion_women_going_back_to_their_toxic_bfex/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/discussion-women-going-back-to-their-toxic-bfex.1123554 https://theredarchive.com/post/1123554

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