It's new years, and I'm off work sat at the kitchen table at my parents house. I'm staring at my phone and steam deck now for multiple hours. I can't bring myself to do anything or watch anything.

My brain is in a fog, with mixed feelings on what's recently happened (wife destroyed my life, abandoned me, demanded divorce and left the country with our kids all in the space of 3 months).

And when I'm at work all I'm doing is driving trucks and semis all day, don't have time for anything other than the same old music collection, same old YouTube mix, and then when I finish each night I'm so tired for anything else, just go to bed, cycle continues.

I don't want to live anymore. But I'm too pussy to kill myself. If there was a drug I could take that gives me courage and euphoria on the idea of suicide let me know.

Update: thanks for the help everyone. It's a new day from when I first posted this and unfortunately I still feel like total shit. Still don't want to be alive. I guess the only thing keeping me going now is my new trucking job and the big money I'm making that I get paid every Friday. All I look forward to now is the money going in and the savings going up every single week. And for what? No idea.. I just like seeing the big numbers in the bank. But I never spend it. I have like £3250 saved and I'm too tight to even spend £4 on a sandwich at a service station when I'm at work. I starve and dehydrate myself on purpose all week for the goal of making more money. But no idea why. I don't know what I'm saving for. But that's literally all that's keeping me here. If I lost my job, I'd instantly kill myself. Everyone's left me. I have no one. Nothing worth being alive for.