Men: Never felt invisible before? Try talking to wedding vendors with your fiance.

AHenWeigh · 2013-12-12T06:43:28+00:00

Wait until when/if you guys have kids. I know a lot of the doctor appointments when I was pregnant really got under my SO's skin. He was always there for every single appointment (Every. Single. One.) but I think he might have been acknowledged directly... twice? Maybe three times? And one of those times was when the tech asked if he was disappointed that we were having a girl, because that's not insulting at all. The first time we went in, they didn't even want to let him in the room with me, despite my request.

At the hospital, the nurses (not all, but enough for it to be noticeable to me, even while high as a kite) were kind of stand-offish with him. I think it was because we're not married, so he wasn't included in some of the paperwork. Or maybe it was because he was sick. I'm not sure. I was fuuuuuuucked up, as is my memory of it now.

Even now, at the pediatrician (where he also goes to Every. Single. Appointment.) the doctors didn't seem eager to talk to him. One day I got fed up with it. The doctor tried to hand our daughter directly to me after checking her over and I played dumb until she finally handed her over to my SO instead. I think she stood there staring at me for at least a full (very awkward) minute before deciding that her father might be an acceptable alternative.

And we wonder why dads have a hard time bonding with their kids!

SRSLovesGawker · 2013-12-12T05:53:34+00:00

Could be worse.

Some guys get that treatment when trying to get medical care for their child.

Doctor: "What's wrong with little Billy?" <looks squarely at mother>

Griddamus · 2013-12-12T14:01:47+00:00

I am a wedding photographer (and a guy). I have to be honest, i'd say more than half of the guys I see couldn't be less interested in whats happening, until they get to see some of my work after pre-wedding shoots etc.

I do make a point of asking the guys questions at wedding fares etc, but it's also a bit insulting, and not just to me, when I ask "their" opinion and they just shrug and point at their fiance.

Anyway, i'm ranting. but to OP, yeah I do see people in the industry talking more to the women than the men. In fairness though, from a business standpoint it is usually the woman who will make the final decision,.

raptorrage · 2013-12-12T07:15:09+00:00

And I get the same shit when I go to Home Depot.

Kelzer66 · 2013-12-12T13:36:17+00:00

Yeah, at our wedding fair we went to I was ignored the entire time. My wife was only ever asked if we were at a booth together. If I was alone, I got the "here's a pamphlet, show your lady what we offer" treatment.

TheDrBrian · 2013-12-12T15:35:20+00:00

good luck op, good luck

aquaventure · 2013-12-12T15:50:39+00:00

I very much enjoyed the vendor's responses when I married my husband (gay). Wedding licenses in Saskatchewan must be obtained at a jewelry shop (no conflict of interest there).

The attendent was desperately trying to pass off rings to us as the certificates were being 'printed' (uh-huh). In many instances the design of the ring was very clearly made for a female. She actually got in a huff when I told her in no uncertain terms that we were not interested in sparkly carbon attached to aurum.

drrrrrr · 2013-12-12T08:19:20+00:00

My friend is one of these obnoxious wedding vendors of which you speak. It's a common sales practice to aim the convincing towards the DM (decision maker) and essentially keep the others out of the loop, because they are likely to be thinking conservatively. This is created by 99% of couples these people see being women with wedding-entitlement leading around spineless husbands who are like "ok whatever you like". Men have allowed women to become the "DM" when it comes to all affairs related to marriage, which is their own damn fault. 70-85% of purchasing decisions made it the US are made by women. This is why essentially all marketing and sales is aimed towards them - they are the ones calling the shots about their husband or fiancee's bank account.

Questions aimed towards the husband typically drag the conversation into financial and technical considerations, AKA farther away from a close. So they aim everything at the emotionally-charged party who they figure is more loose about money and more concerned with getting the top level stuff.

Continue to assert yourself, set a good example, and call their on their bullshit. They get too used to dealing with the same caricature of person and they basically act like a young sales exec who has watched Glengarry Glen Ross too many goddamn times. They are only doing what they think is optimal based on the example previous couples have set.

And to the other guys who have decided to marry (don't), you gotta stop being pushovers. This shitty system of expensive crap marketed to women that guys are expected to pay for hurts men and women. It is similar to the "guys need to stop caving in to social pressure to pay for dinners, because that is the one thing that can erase that social system once and for good."

flyingwolf · 2013-12-12T11:16:28+00:00

I am one of those wedding vendors, if the man shows up I engage both if he is willing. Otherwise I engage the one who is talking with me.

Over 90 percent of the time I only see the bride to be, when the groom does come in 99 percent of the time he is completely uninterested and is rushing and pushy to the point of rudeness towards his future wife.

The 1 percent of guys that do actually engage, I fucking love those guys. I can really make some beautiful wedding makes when both partners are into it and willing to let me work my magic.

I wish I had the option of only taking on that 1 percent of clients, unfortunately my kids like such extravagant things like food and clothing. So I am forced to cater to the ones I can close.

Moral of the story, engage the vendor, or just come to me, I am happy to discuss anything lol.

blamb211 · 2013-12-12T13:13:56+00:00

I was just talking to my girlfriend about this exact thing yesterday! We've been together for only about a month, but a couple marriage-related things have come up, and I brought up that this exact thing would piss me off to no end. And she agreed that if we do get married eventually, she'd make sure I had a say in things. So I got going for me, which is nice.

Polka_never_dies · 2013-12-12T14:22:43+00:00

Going through this process right now and for the most part, all the vendors are great; there's only one who spoke to my fiance like I wasn't there and we ended up not going with them. Could be your just meeting with crummy vendors

nolehusker · 2013-12-12T16:19:33+00:00

I found that my wife (fiance then) saying "Ask him. He has the checkbook." Really seemed to work wonders.

VoodooIdol · 2013-12-12T17:52:02+00:00

I went through the same thing. I know how to talk to these people because I used to work in hotels. My wife had no clue, isn't girly in any way, and was happy to have me take the lead.

No one wanted that though. They all assumed that she would be the ones holding the reins and that I would be taking a back seat. I felt it was disrespectful to both of us that they would automatically assume that because she has a vagina that she would be the one planning the wedding.

Hell, I even wrote our entire wedding ceremony by myself.

I_FUCK_UP_RECIPES · 2013-12-12T20:13:38+00:00

My wife and I had a simple solution for that: we refused to work with anyone who didn't acknowledge both of us.

Had a good overall result. I had great working relationships with all of the vendors and we split up the work in a reasonable fashion.

AnotherDAM · 2013-12-12T20:35:36+00:00

Here is a neat little trick (going with male/female pronouns for clarity, no offense to same sex couples is intended) ~ have the female getting married call a vendor and talk about getting services for a wedding reception. For example, a nice cake for 200 people. Then have the male getting married call the same vendor and ask for an identical product (elaborate cake) for a "large family reunion". Compare. Guys, do NOT be afraid to talk.

ajthebear · 2013-12-12T20:48:17+00:00

As a former employee of Bed Bath and Beyond who worked with a few wedding vendors at conferences and things like that, this is typical. Just keep speaking up. I would say to talk about these feeling with your fiance. That was when the two of you go back and talk to these vendors you both an bitch slap them with them teamwork and awesomeness that the two of you planning a wedding together are. At BBB we had so many guys come through that said they didnt want to be involved at first, but halfway through the registration process I was always able to get the guys excited and involved. I wish that I would have been the vendor rep working with you guys. Yall sound great! Best wishes on the wedding men!

Ivan_Fackoff · 2013-12-15T15:10:54+00:00

To be fair car salesmen do that to women.

rightsbot · 2013-12-12T05:08:16+00:00

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raptorrage · 2013-12-12T17:50:46+00:00

engaged

There's still time to run, but beware if you do you might get sued (depending on where you are) for breach of promise. I wish I was kidding, there was a thread just a few days ago...

Tastysalad101 · 2013-12-12T11:41:44+00:00

You're getting married.... i don't think you read mensrights enough :P

baskandpurr · 2013-12-12T21:02:27+00:00

If you ever go to buy property take a female with you. The agent will assume that she is making the choice and will follow her around the house like a dog with a bitch on heat. Meanwhile you will be left to look around the house in peace. The downside is that agent will usually become irritated if you ask any questions. Still, the look on their face when they figure out who's buying is priceless.

Title	Men: Never felt invisible before? Try talking to wedding vendors with your fiance.
Author	AHenWeigh
Upvotes	116
Comments	73
Date	December 12, 2013 5:06 AM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/1sp290/men_never_felt_invisible_before_try_talking_to/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/men-never-felt-invisible-before-try-talking-to.1156366 https://theredarchive.com/post/1156366

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