Sex is Love vs Sex isn't Love ?

2021-12-10T10:21:23+00:00

Sex can be love. Sometimes my partner and I just have fun in the bedroom and other times we use it to connect with one another intimately. You can have sex with a hookup or ONS and get the human connection and the orgasm but it’s not love per se. And you can have sex with your romantic partner and it brings you closer together - love.

wtknight · 2021-12-10T13:05:29+00:00

What are your views on whether sex is love, or sex isn't love?

I need to feel in love to have sex with a woman. Other people don’t need to feel in love to have sex. So obviously sex means different things to different people and generalizations can’t be made.

For me, sex isn’t love itself but an expression of it with someone whom I love.

Vtridolla · 2021-12-10T10:32:56+00:00

“There’s so much skin to see, a simple epicurean philosophy” I think it’s different for alot of people and how you choose to best contextualize “love” into your life. For some it’s the reason to live, for others it’s a simple concoction of chemicals in the brain that make you enthusiastic to mate. What ever it is and can be expressed in many ways. Simple flings, marriage, polyamory, polygamy, chastity, what ever you enjoy the most.

Just be respectful to others and keep the good times going.

PM_ME_ZED_BARA · 2021-12-10T12:15:51+00:00

Personally there is a spectrum to this. I have a high n count but in most of the casual sex I don’t put much emotional connection or love into it. But with long term partners, love is an essential component to sex.

2021-12-10T12:52:36+00:00

Sex isn't love. I prefer to have sex with people who I have some sort of emotional intimacy with or feelings for, but that doesn't mean the sex itself is "love." Even within the same relationship you have different kinds of sex with varying levels of intimacy.

Snacksbreak · 2021-12-10T15:08:56+00:00

It's interesting to see how many people I would consider sexist on here talk about how they see sex as an expression of love.

What is love then? Clearly some people think they "love" people that they don't respect or view as an equal. Their so called love seems to have very little practical value.

Yes I think sex can be an expression of love but isn't always. I think it's a better experience when it is.

1Here4Bach · 2021-12-10T14:17:54+00:00

Sex is not about love and love is not about sex. You can combine sex as an act of love when you’re actually in love with someone.

Notanothrshitthrow · 2021-12-10T10:23:45+00:00

I'm someone who can see it as both depending on the person and context. I've had ONS and casual flings, though sex is completely different for me when I'm seeing someone I genuinely love (or am falling for).

It's lame af, but it's the difference between fucking and making love.

stereoroid · 2021-12-10T10:27:14+00:00

Well, you have missed an important point, namely that it’s different in general between men and women. You seem to be in search of some general principles to apply to both, but without factoring in gender differences, it’s a lost cause.

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januaryphilosopher · 2021-12-10T12:26:03+00:00

I think my view is probably related to being low n and wanting it. I think that sex isn't love and isn't a way to show love or reason to be in love, and I want someone who thinks similarly. I just also want to limit having sex to those who I'm already in love with.

houstongradengineer · 2021-12-10T12:46:26+00:00

What are your views on whether sex is love, or sex isn't love?

It can be both. And what I mean is this. It's definitely possible to masturbate into another person's body. People have done it before, but not me (that's not my thing, to put it lightly). It's also possible to make special time just to pleasure each other because you <3 care <3 . Personally, love is the only reason I'd ever include another person in my bedroom activities because I like to keep my life simple and drama-free. Mileage will vary from person to person.

Should people disclose to each other as to whether sex is love or sex is not love for themselves, before embarking on a sexual relationship together?

Of course. This is what I keep saying.

Can this play a more important role in judging prospective partners than using N-counts, and does it inter-relate?

Yes, and yes. There are virgins in this world who are dying to lose their virginity to almost anyone. There are also virgins in this world who go out of their way to wait for the right person. These people are not as compatible as they could be with someone with a different N count. In this case, the virgin who is dying to lose their virginity might be very compatible with a high-N person, for example. N count will inter-relate, however, in that someone with certain beliefs would not be compatible with a high N person. Let's be honest, here: it's almost impossible for anyone of any gender to rack up an actually high N count if they vet their partners and only seek sex in long term relationships.

CimZim · 2021-12-10T13:07:53+00:00

Sex is not love, but it can be used to show love.

rosesonthefloor · 2021-12-10T15:02:01+00:00

Sex is an action. It can be an action of love or an action of desperation, arousal, anger (hate-fucking), or a number of other things really.

Some people only see it one way (i.e., sex is an emotional/intimate/special experience). Some people see it multiple ways depending on context (love with a committed partner, just arousal with a hookup, etc.).

I have a high n-count and my bf and I use sex to communicate our desire and love for each other. Just because we’ve both had sex in the past just for fun and not out of love doesn’t make the love part less real for the 2 of us.

But I do think absolutely if it’s something important to you, like you think sex is a very important/special/intimate experience, you should absolutely tell your prospective partners. So they can understand you better, and so you don’t run into a miscommunication issue where you discover after some time that you actually disagree on this point.

2021-12-10T16:09:27+00:00

This is always a difficult one in my mind, neither extreme is true. Sex can be Love, Love can be Sex. They are two overlapping Venn diagrams for me, with the best spot being the middle spot. Having sex as an expression of love.

Both extremes of thought can be damaging imho.

2021-12-10T16:26:03+00:00

Imho, sex is meant to go hand-in-hand with committed (in marriage) love and should be a natural expression of said committed love. Sex by itself isn't love, but sex accompanying an exclusive emotional bond and real commitment is definitely a crucial component of romantic love.

And yes, people should be honest with each other about their views on sex and their intentions regarding such; that's how those with compatible worldviews find each other without wasting time in dead-end relationships. N-counts and their context are definitely part of the vetting process too.

sine120 · 2021-12-10T16:54:55+00:00

I'm not huge into the love languages thing, but I'd guess that people who have a physical touch love language would probably say it is, and other would probably say it isn't. In general I'd imagine it's good to pair up with someone who feels the same way.

PlayfulLawyer · 2021-12-10T17:20:54+00:00

It can be both, not to sound corny but it can be a beautiful physical expression of love, it can also just be an expression of lust and attraction, hell depending on the right day it can be an expression of anger lol, find you somebody that can do it all

CosmicBioHazard · 2021-12-10T18:14:13+00:00

Sex is absolutely love, until it’s not. There’s not really anything more intimate that you can employ, so at any N-count above 1, I don’t think there’s any good basis on which to say you’re in love;

diminishing returns and your partner not having a monopoly on the experience forces you into a corner where either intimacy together doesn’t count toward love, and therefore nothing is intimate enough to count, or it counts, but only as much as the first did at best, and you already fell out of love with them, so the precedent is set for this one crashing and burning too.

anonymousUser1SHIFT · 2021-12-10T18:44:13+00:00

Love is caused by cocktail of chemicals in the brain, so it can be both.

However, love is not that BS time stops they are my soulmate (there is no magic in love). Again love is a cocktail of chemicals in the brain.

For women, sex produces high rates of oxytocin which is a bonding chemical. Where men just get a shot of dopamine.

This is why women tend to relate sex to emotional closeness where guys don't.

Laytheblameonluck · 2021-12-10T18:54:40+00:00

Can this play a more important role in judging prospective partners than using N-counts, and does it inter-relate?

I think so. It seems to be a measurement on whether relationship sex is valued by the person.

I too have seen it discussed in length on /r/deadbeadrooms, with LL's protesting that sex isn't love and HL's protesting that it is.

Similarly, I've read poly people argue sex isn't love, however that doesn't necessarily mean they are the HL in a relationship, they very much may be "LL4U".

There's an argument to not put too much emphasis on sex, and "just let sex be sex", but I don't agree, I think that's a cop out.

All the good relationship researchers and writers describe sex as the barometer of a relationship, Gottman showed it increases fondness and admiration in a relationship.

And couples that make an effort to keep sex important in a relationship, are the ones who don't get dead bedroom's.

When people who say sex isn't love, they more usually are just self justifying their past behaviour.

The only thing is this self justification can cause them to have an ONS and profess "sex isn't love", then be in limerance with a new relationship and then profess how sex is love.

Superfluous_Toast · 2021-12-10T19:09:36+00:00

I personally do not see sex as love. It's an act that can have meaning behind it, but does not require it.

You can do the dishes because they need to be cleaned. You can do the dishes because you want to lighten your partner's load and you know it will make them happy. You can do the dishes for both of those reasons, but doing the dishes is not inherently a romantic act of service, just as sex is not inherently an act of love.

NockerJoe · 2021-12-10T19:34:24+00:00

I think the big issue is that you can have sex without love, but love without sex isn't really realistic in most cases. But at the same time, you can't substitute sex for love.

PMmeareasontolive · 2021-12-10T20:11:38+00:00

For me, for sex to be interesting there has to be some emotional involvement, but I wouldn't describe it as love in the trad sense. It can be more like caring for the person, like an FWB. If there isn't a little emotional risk involved it's just novelty masturbating (not that there's anything wrong with that). There is a psychological side to it that makes it interesting. The mere mechanical matching of parts can be interesting in that it's novel with a ONS, but that's about it. Also I don't think "loving sex" looks any certain way. It can be gentle or not. In fact some of the weirdo stuff might seem more loving because it requires degrees of trust, and as trust is proven over and over the bond can get stronger. Whereas the more tender sort can also resemble "the limits I have for all my greasy hookups" as much as it can resemble "love".

SouthernGrass3 · 2021-12-11T00:08:52+00:00

I don’t regard sex as love. I do regard it as a time of very high vulnerability, and if you see it that way, then it’s preferable to have with someone who loves you and vice versa since you want to avoid experiencing or inflicting unnecessary harm.

There’s so much variance though. Many people feel still adequately emotionally/ physically secure being with someone that doesn’t love them, and love is much harder to find that sex, so waiting for love might be unnessary.

shygirl449 · 2021-12-11T05:35:28+00:00

I don't get naked with anyone I don't trust and love period. I was raised to not let anyone touch my "private parts" besides doctors, and why the hell would I, when that's such a vulnerable part of my body. When you have sex with someone, you're biologically saying you choose to allow reproduction with them. That's my controversial opinion. And since orgasms are such a special experience I do like to share them with special people. Giving someone an orgasm is one of the greatest gifts IMO, it strengthens your bond and intimacy with them.

2021-12-26T23:48:32+00:00

There is that question of intimacy, and intention in the gesture. Sex as in sex as quick gratification for oneself only, then leave and never consider anything. Sex as in sex as in mutual reciprocal pleasure and respect, different things. Multiple layers to these acts.

Title	Sex is Love vs Sex isn't Love ?
Author	Chronomuim_RSA
Upvotes	7
Comments	32
Date	December 10, 2021 10:10 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/rd5jcf/sex_is_love_vs_sex_isnt_love/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/sex-is-love-vs-sex-isnt-love.1212596 https://theredarchive.com/post/1212596

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