Shift in husband’s behavior

DarceysExtensions · 2023-06-30T12:11:51+00:00

You say that he is currently having a lot of stress.

It is possible that, because he is under a lot of stress, he is simply not in the mood for your playfulness and that it annoys him more than it amuses him. Playfulness asks for a response and he may not be in the right frame of mind to respond to you in that way.

That doesn’t mean that he is falling out of love, he just needs something else from you at this time. He may simply need you to allow him to deal with his issues without demanding he focus on you.

Marriages are never linear, there are always times when things are more difficult and a strong marriage comes through that without much trouble. Those phases may not be the most fun times, but they will pass and make the relationship stronger in the long run.

_Pumpkin_Muffin · 2023-06-30T13:15:15+00:00

So on your plate you have infertility, major work and school stress for him, possibly work stress for you too (reading your comment history), see each other very little because of conflicting schedules, and finances are not great? That's a lot. It really is. No wonder you feel like something is off.

This struck me:

I kept waiting for things to change, for him to become tired of me.

Is it possible that you were insecure about it and now your insecurities are speaking for you? You feel that he's pulling away ever so slightly and are immediately afraid that he's falling out of love and that you'll have to spend your marriage mourning the husband he was. This is a very strong reaction (although understandable). Maybe your insecurities were... sort of waiting for something to say "see, it's happening, we were right!"?

I'm not saying that everything is fine because if you feel this distance, then something is off and needs to be taken care of. You should ensure that you are taking care of yourself first. Then, before you focus on what's lacking from his part, maybe try to focus on what you could be doing to nurture both closeness and appropriate distance when it's needed. You are not condemned to just passively, helplessly watch as you see him drift away from you. (I've got to go, I'll be back to elaborate more on this)

ArkNemesis00 · 2023-06-30T14:51:13+00:00

It's perfectly fine to want a bit more attention. But if you make that feel like an issue he needs to fix, the attention you'll receive may feel obligatory - and that won't help your ego.

Think of a few conversation topics and at your next meal together, light some candles and put on some light music. There's nothing like some focused one-on-one time to bring back some of the magic.

When I was a kid, I'd often read in common areas in the house. My mom would attempt to start a conversation or ask me mundane questions, and I'd quickly lose my patience with her. She'd become upset. I love my mom, and enjoyed spending time with her, but humans hate having their focus diverted. Even if your husband isn't "reading a book" at that moment, he may be thinking about one. You can subtly craft an atmosphere that helps him shift his focus to you.

anothergoodbook · 2023-06-30T17:08:33+00:00

I had a very similar experience. I felt like after 8+ years of marriage we still were “in love”. My husband started pulling away and it was a lot of what you mentioned (less playful for example).

Unfortunately it ended up turning into full blown anger and it took a lot of work to get through all of it.

He pulled away because of stress, mostly. And then the further stress I put on him and the marriage by demanding he be closer to me. There were other issues in our marriage regarding respect and me not stepping up and filling my role as a wife (leaving a lot on his shoulders to carry). I am not saying that is what is happening here, just telling my story.

The Empowered Wife has been hands-down the best resource for restoring intimacy and closeness. I also had to work a lot on myself regarding growing up and being more responsible (getting diagnosed & treated with ADHD was instrumental for this).

For me, stress makes me want to be closer to my husband. For him, he shuts down. It also may be that he didn’t feel like he had a safe place to express his feelings of stress. He did feel like I relied so much on him that if he was “weak” it would make me crumble.

Wanting him to totally stay the same and chasing an emotion is controlling and it won’t go well in the long run. Showing him that he can be stressed out and you don’t get afraid is vital. That makes him your teammate instead of a child that needs him to be a certain way so you can feel secure.

Not talking about things doesn’t make it not stressful or not a conflict by the way. In fact it can be disastrous if it’s lurking there. Finances tend to be an incredibly heavy issue for men (particularly the traditional ones). All of those things in your marriage can cause a massive strain. Letting him know you are there for him is vital instead of hoping he is the happy-go- lucky guy you married. That’s even more on him - knowing he’s letting you don’t and you aren’t happy.

diaryofalostgirl · 2023-06-30T23:38:06+00:00

In addition to all of the amazing insights already given:

Over the last year, my husband has faced major stress from work/school and is currently enjoying some break time.

Adults don't get breaks often. Mostly they happen when things around them are out of the ordinary -- I had 1.5 years to totally rest during the pandemic, but there was a pandemic and my family needed to avoid infection at all costs. More recently, I was on short-term disability for nine weeks, which I embraced in order to recharge, but there was a real reason for me to not be back at work during those nine weeks!

If your husband is busy reconnecting with himself and recharging while he can, he may not be as able to make room for you as he usually is. See what you can do to take the burden from him. What annoys him? Can you be mindful of those behaviors? You say your schedules don't match; is there any way your schedule can change to match his, instead of his having to change?

Aromatic_Ad5473 · 2023-06-30T19:11:02+00:00

Your husband told you he’s stressed. Believe him.

yepppers7 · 2023-06-30T19:02:39+00:00

If a 5% change affects you that much, imagine being your husband knowing that the slightest change in his mood will cause you to almost panic. Thats not a fun place to be. It sounds like codependence to me.

Jenneapolis · 2023-06-30T15:51:39+00:00

If it’s less than 5% change, I would let it go. You are bound to make it jump to 10% or 20% if you make a big issue out of it. Focus on your self care and how you can make yourself feel good without attention from him. And what really helps me when I feel a shift is focusing on the great moments. The moments when you feel totally happy and in sync with your partner, have gratitude and tell yourself in that moment in your head how grateful you are for him. I will say “I am so happy, what a great boyfriend I have that he’s <cuddling with me tonight on the couch>.” Then when he’s off, I remember these moments. Focus on the positive. In my experience, these things are cyclical tend to come around.

gcubed · 2023-06-30T20:55:23+00:00

Relationships don't work well when you have them under a microscope, you need to commit yourself to being a part of it, not just examining it.

_Pumpkin_Muffin · 2023-07-01T11:57:12+00:00

Aaand I'm back. Posting this as a separate comment because it's a bit (coff) long. I'll start by recommendig something to read:

1) From RPW: The whole For women only recap, in particular Ch 2 (Respect and love) and Ch 3 (Insecurity and affirmation). The Soft place to land post and the Bids for connection post.

2) The seven principles to making marriage work, by Gottman. I think online you can find good condensed versions of the content (there's a website, reviews, videos and podcasts) if you don't want to commit to the full read. It explains what brings people together vs pushes them away in a marriage. It's full of strategies to rekindle connection.

3) The empowered wife, by Laura Doyle. I love parts of this book, others not so much. Fair warning, you might have to filter through a lot of stuff you disagree with. It helps understand how you, the wife, can only do your part in the marriage: you can't fix what your husband does "wrong". Which is a good thing, because you cannot control what he does anyway, but you CAN improve what you do.

I'll take a few points from the books for this. Sorry if it's all scattered randomly.

Main thing here: Your husband is not responsible for your happiness. YOU are. Of course he, and your relationship with him, will contribute much to your happiness; but it's your job to take care of yourself. Do things that make you happy and do things that make you feel well. Feeling that another person's happiness completely depends on you is a heavy burden, and an unfair one: don't do this to your husband. (Not saying that you are.) What happens when he falters, when he is weak, when he needs help or space or support? "If I ever feel stressed or act down even just a little bit, she'll worry that I don't love her"... could this be happening? Of course you still have needs and wishes, and you still need to communicate those; but there are good ways to do that and to inspire your man to be with you and make you happy (see Laura Doyle for self care and for inspiring your man).

I think intimacy always come with appropriate distance too. Space to be alone, to think, to recharge, to be mad or sad or stressed, to breath, to take car of yourself... and freedom to take that space without guilt or worry. You know those people who will keep calling and calling and calling until you finally pick up the phone, and then guilt trip you for not answering immediately? You want the opposite of that dynamic.

Bad distance is the kind that happens when you push him away (or when he pushes you away, of course; but you can only control what you do). Gottman talks about the Four horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling. Here on RPW we generally talk about disrespect, nagging, criticism, being demanding and ungrateful, fighting over every little thing etc.

Once you accept the appropriate distance as a good thing, and work on avoiding the bad distance, it's easier to nurture intimacy and connection. Being soft, warm and feminine helps. Expressing gratitude and appreciation (and showing it) helps. Basically, you want to make it nice and easy to be with you: feeling good with you will draw him to you even more. You need time set aside for just the two of you (Where did you go/what did you do on your first dates? Maybe it's time to do that again!). AND you need a healthy, enthusiastic sex life (insert here any common sense exception, medical reasons etc). The posts I linked above and the books might give you some insight on this.

I know this is A LOT... it's basically my condensed view of what's best about RPW. Maybe just give a quick look at this stuff and see if anything resonates?

Existing-Diver-2069 · 2023-06-30T18:04:56+00:00

So I was you 1.5 yr ago. It turned out my husband had a benign brain tumor. I kept complaining about his personality changes and being distant from me...since he was having headaches, nausea and blurred vision he decided to take an MRI. So if your husband happens to be having ANY of these physical symptoms with his stress I just wanted to suggest to be aware of my experience. I know it's pessimistic but I just wanted to put this out there. Brain tumors change personalities. Today I'm still struggling to cope with him being distant.

Secretagenta92 · 2023-06-30T10:28:45+00:00

Honestly if I was in your situation I would do some reflection and think if anything has changed about myself and if not I would assume there’s another woman in the picture.

Attraction is about energy as a feminine woman when he is less interested you take the focus and shift it on yourself. By doing whatever makes you happy and feel good. Skin care, gym, walks, art each woman is different and has her own interests once you’re focused on yourself he will feel suffocated and have the space to focus on you.

AutoModerator · 2023-06-30T10:10:50+00:00

Title: Shift in husband’s behavior

Full text: Husband and I have been married for five years. No major issues besides infertility (3 yrs). Even that is not a huge deal because we don’t discuss it more than necessary.

Over the last year, my husband has faced major stress from work/school and is currently enjoying some break time. In the last few months, I have noticed he is slightly less attentive, slightly less indulgent of my playfulnesses, slightly less tolerant of the things I do that annoy him. It’s so slight, if I could give a number to it I would say 5% less infatuated with me.

I never felt like we left the honeymoon phase. I kept waiting for things to change, for him to become tired of me. I felt throughout the five years of our marriage that I was the luckiest girl in the world. I had a caring provider husband that was attentive to my every need. I want to cry just thinking about it because something has changed and I don’t know what it is. I’ve asked him and he thinks he’s just stressed. It just feels like he is slowly falling out of love with me.

Of course like any couple we have issues. His work schedule is at odds with my schedule but we’ve made do since changing his job is out of the question at the moment. Our finances are not great but we live within our means. I am infertile but plan to start treatment this year. I’ve gained weight but I’m successfully working on losing it.

If you ever felt your husband pulling away from you/falling out of love, were you ever able to recover that feeling you lost? I don’t think I can stay in a marriage for the rest of my life where I am chasing the husband I had for only five years. I don’t know if my shortsightedness is keeping me from seeing that I’m the problem.

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TheBunk_TB · 2023-07-01T02:40:33+00:00

He might just be stressed out, burned out?

howlingredsheet · 2023-11-06T13:29:40+00:00

Seems like a shift in behavior - I’d keep an eye out to see if he is cheating

Title	Shift in husband’s behavior
Author	abetterwifesomeday
Upvotes	15
Comments	40
Date	June 30, 2023 10:10 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/14mwbaj/shift_in_husbands_behavior/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/shift-in-husbands-behavior.1223858 https://theredarchive.com/post/1223858

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