Boyfriend won’t give me a timeframe for marriage

womanoftheapocalypse · 2023-07-15T19:53:32+00:00

Sounds like you both love each other but your timelines are different. He told you he wants to emulate his parents, who got married in their late twenties. That’s his timeline. You want it now. Up to you what you want to do with that.

Frankly I empathize with a man who isn’t sure about marriage given him being in his early twenties, just finished school and searching for a job, living with parents, and with a peer group where it’s the norm to not be married yet. He doesn’t sound like he’s ready yet, and that’s okay. If you really love him, you’re prepared to accept this about him. Which isn’t to say you’ll stay with him, but you’ll accept him for who he is. Love is patient.

Boldly put, you don’t sound ready for marriage either. You’re were so insecure that you demanded a man, who doesn’t even have a solid career, to buy you a promise ring? This isn’t fair. It’s saying, you must prove you love me or else. That’s manipulation, not love. I empathize with your abandonment fears, I really do. My experience has been that my abandonment fears caused me to cling tightly to my partners and demand more and more from them. I wanted them to soothe my fears, instead of accepting responsibility for my fears and finding ways to soothe them on my own. I had a fairytale in my head that my lovers would save me from the pain of the world, but each thing I demanded of them would eventually push them away. It was a self fulfilling prophecy: by fearing abandonment, I pushed people who loved me away from me. Their actions were never enough. Can’t you imagine how exhausting that must’ve been for them?

Whether you stay with this partner or not, these wounds will likely follow you for the rest of your life, messing with your peace of mind and undermining your relationships. My opinion is that your next steps should be to find outside help. This could look like: learning about abandonment issues and how they impact a person (I like crappy childhood fairy on yt, she had lots of great videos on abandonment wounds), finding better grounding and coping skills so you don’t take your moods out on others, seeking psychotherapy, and/or talking about this with close, respectful friends.

ClarityByHilarity · 2023-07-15T19:46:37+00:00

Relax. You are 21. Don’t rush into marriage when your brains not even fully developed yet. I may get downvotes for this but seriously you are too young to get married to someone you’ve been dating less then a year and a half. Don’t pressure your partner and just be young for another year or two before thinking of this so much.

Acrobatic-Stuff · 2023-07-15T17:43:31+00:00

Usually, a 22 years old man is not mature enough to know when he's planning to have kids, it's not even on his sight. I believe the most ideal age for a woman to have kids is 20-25 so I understand your concern. His response to you was pretty decent, even if he can't avoid the fact he's not too concerned about it right now. If you were dating let's say a 27 years old man there would be reason for concern because that's a man who definetly can provide a timeline on what he's willing to do with his life. A 22 years old man can't be blamed

Bitter_Permission_83 · 2023-07-15T17:32:30+00:00

Chill out is my advice. You’re 21 not 30. You’re in a serious relationship, with a guy who seems to care about you and is willing to tell you he wants to commit and have a future together. And you’re both in a transitory period right now, if he’s coming out of school. Don’t put pressure on yourself now for a yes/ no to something that doesn’t need to be the focal point right now, let alone a do or die decision at an arbitrary point in your relationship. See if you make decisions together, grow as a couple in the next few months, year, and let it happen naturally. Not to say wait around forever but there’s no reason to be “devastated” right now.

diaryofalostgirl · 2023-07-15T18:23:32+00:00

You're giving him wife privileges without expecting the ring. He's also very young to be thinking about marriage.

You may not be 35 with no ring if you stick with him. But if you don't trust him to lead you in the right direction, hey, until you're married, you're still vetting. So ask yourself: is it okay to vet him a little longer, to see whether his "eventually" is sooner rather than later? The man crammed an entire Master's into the same time it takes many people to get a Bachelor's. That takes drive and commitment. Let him recover from that before you pass judgment, and maybe he'll turn that drive and commitment to you and your relationship.

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2023-07-15T19:27:35+00:00

He’s 22, you’re 21. You probably don’t have careers yet and are barely are living away from your parents. Be patient

Mister_Badger · 2023-07-15T20:16:44+00:00

Male perspective: ask yourself what timeline you think is ideal, and then ask yourself what timeline you would be willing to accept. Let your boyfriend know both of these things so that he understands your perspective.

This will let you relax and experience the present moment with him. Believe it or not, there may come a time when you look back fondly on these days before you became a mom. Enjoy the process. Make memories. Then if your date passes with no ring, you have your answer. Time to split and move on.

Best of luck!

Imaskinnybitchyall · 2023-07-15T18:07:55+00:00

Are you in school? It is pretty common practice to wait until both parties have graduated if they are in school.

If he just graduated, he's not established in his career field. Most men will want to do that first. Are you okay with supporting this if it's his intention?

Also, there's a huge difference between 16 months and 15 years. Obviously there is a time to wait and a time to move on. 35 would be past that, but you don't need to jump 15 years in the future and ignore all the time in between.

Twisting_Me · 2023-07-15T17:39:58+00:00

If he is too young to be marraige minded some 30 year old will be. Don’t sell yourself to the first man with a ring though, their bad habits aren’t so cute 5 years later

_Pumpkin_Muffin · 2023-07-16T11:19:41+00:00

You have 2 years left in school, no stable long term job. He's 22, unenmployed, looking for a job and maybe even a place to stay. WHY would it make sense to get married?

You've been with him 16 months, begged for a promise ring and are already asking for an engagement ring. 16 months, and you're worrying about him stringing you along for 16 YEARS. You're 21. Slow down. You say you want a long engagement as engagement will make you feel more secure.

Look. Engagement doesn't change anything unless there is a clear plan in motion to actually GET married. You say you have abandonlent issues... do you want an engagement ring because in your mind engagement = he won't leave you? Those issues were not solved by a promise ring and won't be solved by an engagement ring.

You can tell him ONCE what your ideal timeframe is. You can ask him ONCE what does "ready for marriage" look like for him (and LISTEN, don't just bring up counterarguments). Then LEAVE IT.

Make it pleasant to be with you. Don't think you need to deny him sex to get him to commit... it will backfire. You're already having sex - it should be something that brings you together, not a bargain chip you can "hold hostage" to force his hand and get what you want. If you want him as your husband, your job is to inspire him to want you as his wife. Love, affection, intimacy are what draws him to you. Appropriate space (backing off, STFU) is what gives him/you two room to breath and grow.

christinaaamariaaa · 2023-07-15T20:59:00+00:00

Whatever you do, don’t move in with him until married, or at least engaged. Then he’ll have everything a marriage is without actually having to marry you and there will be no incentive.

My boyfriend and I are the same age as you two. He plans to propose next year and we will get married the following you.

He just started working in a high paying job, in his career, making good money etc. Once your boyfriend starts making good enough money to afford to move out on his own and pay for everything, he should be able to propose to you.

I’d give him a year or two of a career and if he doesn’t propose to you when he obviously can afford it and you’ve been dating long enough and he says you’re the love of his life, he’s lying.

Idk when he will start working and making money, I’d he’s continuing with his education or not. But you do. Let’s say he’s going to start his career next year for example. Ask him what do you think about getting engaged in two or three years since you’ll be established and working by then? And see what he says!!

thesillymachine · 2023-07-15T18:58:55+00:00

These comments are mixed.

Marrying young is ideal, in my opinion.

Yes, you're giving him wife privileges without a ring on it. I'd advise you to reevaluate this area. What if you get pregnant??????

Also, yes, chill. It's time to ask yourself some hard questions. Is this guy really what you're looking for? Readdress the timeline issue and express your concerns. When is he thinking of having children? "Eventually" is very dismissive, honestly. You may not need to know a specific time, but a timeframe. Maybe he just wants to surprise you? It's true, a guy his age probably isn't thinking about actually having kids just yet. Maybe in 6 months he will come around to the idea, especially as the two of you talk about it more. Do you know other parents in real life? Do you have a community?

Do you have a real-life mentor?

Marissa_Smiles · 2023-07-18T03:45:02+00:00

I feel this is a common mistake. “Giving him everything” isn’t the best laid plan. My now husband and I married when I just turned 22 and he 25. You’re absolutely not to young to be engaged/married. I see a lot of comments advising you’re way to young. And I disagree. I always wanted and planned to marry young and be a young mom. I encourage you to have a serious conversation with him about your timeline. Do not move in with him or make life decisions based on him. Find out what his timeline is and then go from there.

Hahafunnys3xnumber · 2023-07-15T22:21:40+00:00

16 months is not nearly long enough for this reaction in my opinion

Funny_Garage3895 · 2023-07-15T22:02:47+00:00

There is more to being a wife than having sex with someone. A husband and wife is a lot more than money and sex and talking to eachother

I was like this for a while as I wanted marriage and kids young like my parents (19 baby, 22 married)

But it took me to 22 before I found my partner after many failed relationships.

Because of my experience, I had a feeling he was the one I should be with.

Just over a year he gave me a promise ring. Wasn't expecting it but he knew marriage was a big thing for me.

5 years later and we are still not married. But, im not as upset about it as I once was. We moved in together, we got a dog, now we have a newborn.

He knows I want to ideally get married before I am 30 ( in 2 years) but he really wants us to improve ourselves first which I agree..

Leksyh · 2023-07-15T18:35:34+00:00

You give him everything so what reason would he have to marry you when he's already enjoying everything he wants with you without the risk of getting served a divorce? This is why sex before marriage is a bad idea. It ensures that men aren't in a hurry to get married. And since marriage exists to primarily benefit women with a stable family structure in which they can then raise their offsprings, then its in their best interest to entice men into marriage by preserving their virginity until after they've got a ring on their finger.

AutoModerator · 2023-07-15T17:20:25+00:00

Title: Boyfriend won’t give me a timeframe for marriage

Full text: I don’t know what to do.

We’ve been dating for over a year now (16 months to be exact) and he says he doesn’t have any particular timeline for when he wants to marry me, just says “I want to, eventually. You’re the love of my life, I want you to have my kids, I want it to be when we’re both ready” etc etc.

I’m 21 and he’s 22 (just graduated with a Masters). I give him everything - sex, constant communication, a shoulder to cry on, whatever.

Any advice? I’m devastated. I don’t want to be waiting around until I’m 35 with no ring.

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Big-Text-4930 · 2023-07-16T20:32:35+00:00

I feel like at this age it’s just difficult to predict many important milestones that need to be crossed before marriage would be suitable-so perhaps he’s right it wanting to wait it out. Let him know how you feel and see what he thinks-if you can accept his answer then the problem is solved. If he seems set on something that doesn’t suit you then consider if you would be open to waiting or not .

Wanting to get married young is your prerogative-but are you open to having to leave him to achieve that? If so then it must be something you really want and in that case you probably need to explain this to him to see if you are really going to compatible in the future or not. Good luck

Title	Boyfriend won’t give me a timeframe for marriage
Author	miaaaaaa01
Upvotes	9
Comments	79
Date	July 15, 2023 5:20 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/150hla9/boyfriend_wont_give_me_a_timeframe_for_marriage/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/boyfriend-wont-give-me-a-timeframe-for-marriage.1225377 https://theredarchive.com/post/1225377

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