Want a divorce but terrified of the unknown

ranger69danger · 2023-08-19T02:12:36+00:00

Pull the trigger if you are living in misery is my advice.

ranchdaddo · 2023-08-19T14:33:01+00:00

Just think about more decades of that and dying miserable, then divorce doesn’t seem so scary.

Make an appointment with a lawyer just to get the lay of the land. It’s no commitment and it takes part of the unknown out of the equation.

preetham_graj · 2023-08-19T03:25:21+00:00

Could i ask what happened that you fell out of love?

ExpensiveRoll7436 · 2023-08-19T17:19:16+00:00

I was in the same boat. I filed. I don’t regret it. But you might want to look for other opinions. This place is sometimes an echo chamber. Find a couples therapist that works for you two. They aren’t all the same and many are not good. There is such a thing as discernment counseling that focuses on figuring out if the marriage can be saved.

homeskillet8945 · 2023-08-19T02:49:21+00:00

Been there. Absolutely terrified to file for divorce. Eventually, things got so bad that I was more afraid of how awful my future with her would be, than I was afraid of filing and going through the divorce process.

I hope things for improve for you, but it sounds like they won’t.

laser_scalpel · 2023-08-19T07:13:30+00:00

In the same boat. Contemplating separation instead.

Jsutton3187 · 2023-08-19T16:20:26+00:00

39 yrs old 3 kids (13,10,8)...married 19 yrs, Same situation. Do it. We have mediation in a few weeks. Life's too short. Don't even look in the future because it doesn't exist yet.

jaclan2130 · 2023-08-19T17:04:21+00:00

I'm on the cusp of divorce in what will unavoidably be high conflict against an untreated BPD wife who also has bipolar, fibromyalgia, autism, and a litany of other issues. We have two boys that I have functionally been single father to.

I do not look forward to any sort of this process as I know it will financially devastate both of us, and because the custody fight where I will have to seek full custody will likely be years long.

It will be painful and every step of this process is going to be difficult and invasive and I am already hating what the next couple of years look like.

I'm going to buck the trend and propose that if you have even a shred of hope if it getting better, or that you're willing to do the work if she does, perhaps marriagehelper.com could assist.

Had it not gotten to this point, my wife and I would have gone. However we are both past the point of no return. It doesn't quite sound like you two are. Consider it, there's little to lose at this point.

throwsadaccountxxx · 2023-08-19T08:20:39+00:00

Bye bye kids.

shadderjax · 2023-08-19T06:27:27+00:00

Get outta NOW!

wisstinks4 · 2023-08-19T17:26:33+00:00

OP, sorry to read this. Sucky marriages are common. Unfortunately the wife just needs security, safe place and a wimpy guy who wont leave or rock the boat. Time to get wet, jump out and swim to shore it’s only 50 feet to shore. Get out of those wet clothes, get happy, and get ready to start a new life. She can stay in the boat and be miserable by herself. There’s no reason for you to stay in a miserable marriage, and be unhappy the rest your life. That’s not it was it was it was intended for. She’s not upholding her end of the contract. Biblically, called alienation, abandonment, potentially abuse and grounds for divorce. Cut the cord and get out.

Go live a great next chapter in your life. Stay safe.

These_Row6066 · 2023-08-19T17:58:25+00:00

My God..... You could be me! I've filled and recanted twice in the past 1.5 years. I just can't seem to bring myself to make the commitment to move on. I'm in therapy for it. I had 6 + months worth of darkness, suicidal ideation, depression and anxiety. They have all disappated, thanks to at home ketamine therapy. I need clarity. I WANT to be happy yet i KNOW that I'll never be happy married to my wife.

HardeeHarHar2 · 2023-08-19T18:48:33+00:00

IDK, things could get a lot worse. It sounds like you have a family, and a wife that takes interest in you. What happened? Why do you not feel love for her? You could save yourself hassle by figuring out your own stuff, why you feel how you do, and fixing it if possible. Most repeat behavior patterns, so you might find yourself in the same situation with a new.partner, just poorer and less able to rely on those around you.

BuddhistChrist · 2023-08-19T20:13:57+00:00

Divorce. You’ll be better off.

koolaidkid12345 · 2023-08-19T23:11:40+00:00

It's easy to respond with "just file.. pull the trigger" and I largely agree if you are unhappy. For me.. this was the same for many many years. But I unfortunately value money too much.. my biggest problem really. With young kids years ago (now they are 20+ years of age) it was crazy how much I would have paid.. 2/3 of my take home.. which would give her the ability to NOT work and live ok.. while I had not enough left over to afford rent/food/car, let alone anything else. That was utter bullshit to me. So I hung on.. now.. money is still the issue but its cause I owe so much and even though it would only be alimony, her not working and me making good money scares the shit out of me losing half my take home where she again lives a decent life without working while I have to work my ass off and barely get by. Still have my daughters at home too (2 of them anyway) so moving out/etc throws them in whack too and though I am not staying because of them.. I care enough that I am trying to help them get out on their own before I finally file and move on.

So I am trying to figure out this mountain of an issue for me. I am trying to get her to get a job, but that's difficult and imputing would result in like a $13 an hour job basically. She is also looking to move to another area where her main job field that she could work in (medical) pays 1/2 of what it does where we are now.. being in a 50/50 state I am unclear how that will unfold. Marriage over 20 years could mean life alimony too..

lsudo · 2023-08-19T23:59:09+00:00

I’d rather be alone in happiness than together in misery. I was in the same situation myself at 39. Three years later, there are always going to be hard days, but I can always look back with complete satisfaction at my decision to leave.

Background_Pilot_158 · 2023-08-20T13:57:38+00:00

What’s the real issue(s)? Usually there’s no intimacy because the wife doesn’t want it. You say she wants to be, but you hate it.

Adventurous_Wrap_343 · 2023-08-20T15:06:46+00:00

If she’s still in it you have to find a way; counseling, spice it up (no swinging), new hobbies together (only you two). The alternative is way worse. Because if she decides to file, as the sole income earner with 3 kids, you’ll be paying out big time.

Title	Want a divorce but terrified of the unknown
Author	CashComplete8980
Upvotes	11
Comments	23
Date	August 19, 2023 12:56 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/15v1vu0/want_a_divorce_but_terrified_of_the_unknown/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/want-a-divorce-but-terrified-of-the-unknown.1228967 https://theredarchive.com/post/1228967

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