I am obsessed with my husband but he no longer is with me.

SunshineSundress · 2023-11-06T07:05:29+00:00

I’m sorry that you are having a difficult time with your husband right now. While I’m sure plenty of women can find a bucket list of things your husband should be doing to remedy this situation is, the fact of the matter is that we are not speaking to your husband, but to you. Since we cannot change the world and the things we cannot control, and only ourselves, I’m only going to be addressing the things I noticed in your post that you could fix. This isn’t to blame you, but to give you actionable advice you can actually take if you’d like to.

First, a bit of humor - your post kind of reminds me of this meme. As women, our hamsters sometimes take over and make us jump to a lot of conclusions, many that may not be actually true. Keep in mind that men and women communicate differently - women are “rapport talkers”, using talk to establish connections and negotiate/build relationships while men are “report talkers”, using talk to gather and dispel information. After spending an afternoon hanging out, he likely has no new information he needs to relay to you, and so he has nothing in particular to say. I don’t think that’s indicative of him losing love for you - I think that’s just him being a guy.

I’m also seeing some covert contracts (aka RPW kryptonite) on your end - you are the one who wants to talk and engage with him, but from my understanding, you are just sitting there letting your frustration stew, waiting for him to engage with you. He is not a mindreader, and likely did not know you were expecting him to talk to you, until you got upset and left the room. Then when he does try to make conversation with you to make you feel better, you were “over it”.

Not only are you sending him a lot of mixed messages, but you are also making the act of him initiating a conversation a thankless and unenjoyable experience. You have put him in a catch-22 where you are upset when he does not start a conversation with you, but are also upset when he does. Do you think this will make him more likely to enthusiastically start a conversation in the future, or will it do the opposite?

You again reject his affection and effort when he tries to warm up to you in bed. In “For Women Only,” one of the only officially recommended pieces of RPW literature, it dedicates an entire chapter on the importance of sex to our men. Here’s some relevant excerpts:

Women who understand that men need sex, tend to view it as a physical need. It is not hard to come to terms with that idea. What we miss is how much emotion men attach to sex. Though there is certainly a physical component, sex fills a powerful emotional need. Remember all the previous chapters where we talked about men’s insecurity, feelings of inadequacy, the burden they feel? A man can feel isolated and burdened by these feelings that he never discusses. Sex assures him that he is desirable. It eases the loneliness and allows him to face the world with confidence. He cannot feel completely loved without it. In his heart, he wants to be wanted.

If you are responding because you have to, he knows it, and feels the sting of rejection. Remember that what he wants most is to be desired. If you agree to roll around in bed, but once you get there, you aren't engaged, he isn’t going to view it as something you do out of love. He hears “You are incapable of turning me on even if you try and what is most important to you, isn’t important to me”. If you flat out reject him with say, the standard: I’m tired honey, he hears “You re so undesirable, you can’t even compete with my pillow, and I don’t care about what matters deeply to you”.

Some quotes directly from men on the topic:

We’ve been married for along time, I deeply regret and resent the lack of intimacy of nearly any kind for the duration of our marriage. I feel rejected, ineligible, insignificant, lonely, isolated and abandoned as a result. Not having the interaction that I anticipated prior to marriage is like a treasure, lost and irretrievable it causes deep resentment and hurt within me. This in turn fosters anger and feelings alienation.

She doesn’t understand that I feel loved by sexual caressing and if she doesn’t want to, I feel incredible rejection.

“No” is not no to sex, as she may feel, it is no to me as I am and I am vulnerable as I ask or initiate. It’s plain and simple rejection.

Any woman sending those signals will undermine the loving environment she most wants because she’ll have one depressed man on her hands.

The author compares a man’s need for sex to women’s need for conversation and interaction. While I sympathize that you are feeling unfulfilled and resentful from his lack of initiative on the conversation and interaction front, it seems that you are also leaving him unfulfilled on the intimacy and affection front as well. There’s no way I can know who started it, and at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter. If you want to improve your connection with your husband, you have to be willing to engage with him in a way that resonates with him. You have to accept and appreciate his attempts to appeal to you, even if they are not perfect at first. You have to stop creating covert contracts, and instead communicate what you need and reward his efforts to fulfill those needs.

If you choose to talk to him about it, I suggest using “I feel” statements instead of putting the blame on him (because it doesn’t work). Tell him how he made your day when he engages with you in a certain way. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and tell him how you feel so scared that you are losing his affection and love, instead of just leaving the room upset and angry. If you do get angry or you do create a covert contract, take the time to apologize to him - I’ve found that when I do, my man is more than likely to apologize too, and he is much more gentle and willing to mend the situation than if I just argued with him or accused him of something.

Good luck. I know you are going through a tough time, and I just want you to know that we are here for you.

abetterwifesomeday · 2023-11-06T13:10:24+00:00

"obsession" is for the early stages of a relationship. The honeymoon phase. It's not sustainable for a marriage. If you are chasing the high of feeling like someone is obsessed with you, you will always be disappointed.

InevitableKiwi5776 · 2023-11-06T09:17:35+00:00

In your last post you were recommended to read The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle, have you tried doing that and implementing her strategies?

LateralThinker13 · 2023-11-06T17:32:37+00:00

I’ll give an example for the sake of putting this into perspective. We spent the afternoon together. We came home, relaxed on the couch. He put something on the TV and was on his phone for two hours, not making conversation. I stayed there just to be near him. Finally I got tired of waiting for him to engage with me so I got up and left to another room. He tried making conversation at that point but I was over it. Two more hours later he heads to bed, tried again to warm up to me. It makes me feel like a microwave dinner he can reheat whenever he wants. I left the room.

Great example! So you sat there in silence for two hours, not communicating a damn thing with your husband. Then, when you leave, your action tells him something is wrong - you don't want to be near him. So then he tried talking to you but you rejected him. Two hours later he again tried to reach out to you, but you rejected him.

But HE is the one mistreating YOU.

I can't speak to his behavior, but a huge chunk of it is on you. It doesn't matter if men are with you for a day or a decade, they are not mind readers. Stop treating him like he should be one, then punishing him afterwards, unless YOU want to take responsibility for killing your marriage.

CranberrySoftServe · 2023-11-06T10:57:37+00:00

“We spent the afternoon together. We came home, relaxed on the couch. He put something on the TV and was on his phone for two hours, not making conversation. I stayed there just to be near him. Finally I got tired of waiting for him to engage with me so I got up and left to another room. He tried making conversation at that point but I was over it.”

This sounds like a covert contract. It’s not like he was sitting there ignoring you all day- you spent an afternoon together. Maybe he was socially tired and needed time to recharge? He could have been assuming you were okay with the quiet time.

kitterkatty · 2023-11-06T08:52:29+00:00

What were you doing back then that you aren’t now, could be anything? Some exciting thing to talk about? Some thing that made you light up?

Amazing_Hope_1109 · 2023-11-06T07:06:11+00:00

It was good that you provided the example because it shows that you are not innocent in that example. A relationship is about the actions of both parties. And after reading your post i wondered what you are doing for him to admire you? Because sitting in silence next to the partner with the highest expectations of admiration and then leaving fed up after 2h and kind of playing games even though he was trying to engage with you, is a bit off. The next time you crave admiration, why dont you do something that makes him fall in the state of admiring you and praising you? Like baking his favourite cake or putting on some mice lingere and sitting down next to him on the couch. What do you think how fast he will forget about the TV and the phone? I understand that you miss that he makes the first move, but from your story he tried to make a move 2 times and instead of either engaging with him or at least being open about what you are missing in the relationship, you move away from him and give him the silent treatment (at least that is what i understood from your short post).

Action always results in reaction. =)

SecretOther289 · 2023-11-06T17:17:37+00:00

No advice I can give, would beat this.

You put the time and broke it down beautifully.

I'll just add I get the impression you have an anxious attachment style. You're getting triggered by his lack of action, and then you're isolating. Don't expect him to read your mind and don't listen to your negative thoughts.

He cares about you as much as he did before. Relationships come in phases, and communication is vital to understanding one another. Don't expect things to be exactly like it was when you were first courting.

rb_dub · 2023-11-06T14:34:20+00:00

Punishing his actions with your negativity will only make things worse. Stop the cycle and be the warmth he can turn to when he is ready.

Eta: you can stop the cycle by being grateful instead of spiteful. Look for the good and say your thanks. Try it endlessly one afternoon and see how it affects your mood. Use it when you're tempted to nag or feel bad for yourself.

Fun-Economist1306 · 2023-11-06T13:28:39+00:00

He will never be the same and you will never fell same for him too and you will no longer live same as you were, there is no such thing as returning to were we are and no living same way we once lived or love same way we once loved ,,,,, BUT that doesn’t mean it is over you can create new memories new love new life together means that you can love him and he could love you even more. You just need to remove that I want to feel same as I was.

bekkys · 2023-11-06T18:02:41+00:00

What do you do when he does engage with you? Talking is important, but you must make talking a safe space, not a trap. Reward initiative not by chewing him out but by openness and acceptance.

beemovienumber1fan · 2023-11-07T02:50:05+00:00

Never punish someone for doing the thing you want them to do. Allow him to do it imperfectly. He can't read your mind, I'm sure he just thought you were both unwinding. Then you got up to leave, and he was snapped back into reality and wanted to talk, and you left. Instead of being vulnerable ("hey I feel a bit disconnected right now, wanna _______?"), you are anxious and then resentful, and then punish him for doing what you want, just because it's not when you wanted it. That's not how to treat someone you love. Not to mention infatuation can become unattractive neediness when your partner is under a lot of stress.

My husband and I have been married almost 4 years, and I had to work very hard to heal some childhood trauma and attachment issues. One of the things that has greatly enriched my life (and our marriage) is that I've gotten involved in dance classes. I'm in 3 different classes, each meets once a week. Two of them are at 6:30pm on weekdays, and one is late morning on Saturdays. So we get some chunks of time when he gets to unwind in his own way, and I get to renew my feminine energy and come back home feeling energized and confident, and it makes me a more well-rounded and interesting wife. I would highly suggest it to any wife whose intrusive thoughts and attachment issues are getting the better of her.

FancyPants882 · 2023-11-06T23:01:23+00:00

There is already some great advice here. I just wanted to add that sometimes men - people in general, too - just need quiet, down time. Maybe after having an afternoon out with you he just needed to regroup, and when he tried to initiate conversation again that was him saying he was ready to engage with the world again. This concept is particularly true for introverts. Could this be the case with your husband?

AutoModerator · 2023-11-06T05:50:48+00:00

Title: I am obsessed with my husband but he no longer is with me.

Author abetterwifesomeday

Full text: Back when we were dating and first 4~ years of marriage, my husband seemed obsessed with me and I was riding a high like no other. Now, 5 years in, i feel like I’m the only one obsessed with him, and while he cares for and loves me, it’s just not the same anymore. My previous post goes into a bit more of our relationship dynamic.

I don’t know what the answer is. How do I stop feeling like my world is falling apart every time he doesn’t act the way he used to? I love him so much but I just don’t feel that he cares enough to make me happy how he used to anymore.

I’ll give an example for the sake of putting this into perspective. We spent the afternoon together. We came home, relaxed on the couch. He put something on the TV and was on his phone for two hours, not making conversation. I stayed there just to be near him. Finally I got tired of waiting for him to engage with me so I got up and left to another room. He tried making conversation at that point but I was over it. Two more hours later he heads to bed, tried again to warm up to me. It makes me feel like a microwave dinner he can reheat whenever he wants. I left the room.

We were briefly attending marriage counseling but had to put it on pause for the time being.

I just don’t know how I’ll live the rest of my life remembering the relationship we used to have compared to what it is now. He’s always been an early riser and used to check on me sleeping at least once or twice. He no longer does that. He used to really empathize when I cried/felt a strong emotion. Now I look into his eyes and wish I could find the man I married . I love him so much that it hurts and I just want it to be like it used to. I used to feel like nothing in this world could affect me because I had him and the love he felt for me. I don’t feel that way anymore.

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SunRose42 · 2023-11-06T21:49:49+00:00

Is it possible that your husband is having a difficult time with his mental health? It sounds like he’s disengaged from the relationship. But people disengage for all sorts of reasons, mental health being one of them. If he is going through a difficult period, he might just be burned out emotionally. It’s affecting his ability to hold space for you when you’re struggling, and his ability to be present in the relationship. If so, it might be on you to “carry” the relationship for a while. Relationships are rarely 50/50. Most of the time, they’re more like 70/30 or 80/20, and only average out to 50/50 over time.

Another possibility is that y’all spend too much time together and he’s craving alone time. It’s normal in the early stages of a relationship, but can feel smothering later on. I wonder if it could help to take 2-3 nights a week to do your own things (even if in the same apartment) and take off any pressure for engagement. Then have another 2-3 days where you plan in advance to have quality time. You might even try planning a “no phone date night” you inform him of in advance.

Ultimately, it sounds like this needs to be addressed in a conversation, and like returning to couple’s therapy may eventually need to become a priority.

Euphoric_Katheter18 · 2023-11-07T13:41:35+00:00

I definitely agree about the attachment style comment. Being anxious attachment style is mostly just a psych term, and speaks to factors in your development you don’t have control over. However, you DO have control over how you decide to handle yourself in relationships. As an anxious attachment style myself, I recommend you read (or listen to) “Anxiously attached” and “Attached” … great primers on the why and how of your own emotional experience, and some good tools on what to do for a more balanced relationship.

For rekindling fire, I recommend the works of Esther Perel… she has a book “Mating in Captivity” and others on correcting faltering dynamics in relationships where things are doing stale. It’s also fascinating to understand the ingredients to attraction.

I imagine at some point, you may have to voice your feelings and ask for his help to make things better. I’m sure he still adores you, and wants to make you happy.

No_Mirror_345 · 2023-11-07T04:52:19+00:00

Am I the only one who immediately jumped to the worst case scenario? It was refreshing to read some sound perspective.

Adorable_Suit5583 · 2023-11-06T20:56:58+00:00

Have you tried talking to him about these concerns 💅

howlingredsheet · 2023-11-06T13:27:46+00:00

I have a question - does he use marijuana?

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Title	I am obsessed with my husband but he no longer is with me.
Author	abetterwifesomeday
Upvotes	72
Comments	44
Date	November 6, 2023 5:50 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/17ow1ke/i_am_obsessed_with_my_husband_but_he_no_longer_is/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/i-am-obsessed-with-my-husband-but-he-no-longer-is.1237577 https://theredarchive.com/post/1237577

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