How can I become a better conversationalist?

johnnyangels · 2013-04-01T23:13:34+00:00

talk more. talk to your janitor. talk to your cashier. comment on shit, but in a good/helpful way. nice jacket where did you get it. weather shit, damn raining, is my umbrella going ot hold? random shit until u get better. EVERY FUCKING DAY

PyouA · 2013-04-02T02:26:50+00:00

I responded to the same question in /r/askseddit as follows:

This is a skill, but it can be broken down into 3 basic components:

Superficial Observational/Jerry Seinfeld

(As a girl in yoga pants walks past) "What's the deal with these yoga pants that every girl wears? They all look so good in them. It's basically false advertising. See that girl over there, she looks like she has a nice body now, but if she was wearing jeans...not so sure. Take a look at that what do you think?

Learning how to talk about something that interests you to someone with little knowledge/interest about the subject.

The key here is to approach your interest from the perspective of someone who doesn't "get it". Do you love MLG? Instead of talking about how this one Starcraft player is so great because of his Rush (LAME) take a step back and try talking about how crazy it is that people get paid for playing video games. This is something she can engage with you on.

Deep (but not overboard)

It always makes me depressed shopping for Christmas. It's crazy how people just fill their lives up with all this stupid shit, but look at us - we're doing it. And it's fun, I get to hang out with this cute girl and shop - but at the same time I feel I should be doing something else. You ever feel like that?

Use all 3.

chikinpickle · 2013-04-02T02:15:26+00:00

Fucking talk to people man. How do you get better at anything? Fucking do it.

Here is a protip. When you talk to someone and are relating to someone on a topic, say how to cook vegetables. Rather than say "I cook them this way and they turn out great" flip the script. "If you cook them this way, you gotta try them this way!" Etc, it gives the illusion that the conversation is still about them. Get I statements out, replace them with you, or factual statements.

Pugilanthropist · 2013-04-02T00:31:37+00:00

Don't over think it. So many times I looked for some magic formula ... never happened. It would just peter out.

Here's something to remember: make them qualify themselves to you through the conversation. I used to think I just wanted beautiful girls, and so I would try to force conversation with beautiful girls that really just didn't have much to say. Fuck that, life's too short not to enjoy yourself. If she's not being interesting, don't be afraid to duck out or direct the conversation somewhere really weird just to amuse yourself.

Just enjoy the conversation for conversation's sake. That'll take you a long ways.

AhrenGxc3 · 2013-04-01T23:20:06+00:00

stop wearing your headphones and don't be afraid to talk to people for whatever reason.

cocotheape · 2013-04-02T01:15:11+00:00

Pay extra attention to your speaker, they may drop different cues that you can use to continue a conversation. Add some jokes in there as well. Pay attention to your surroundings as well as they can provide some great conversation topics.

Guy: What kind of music are you into?

Girl: Skrillex! I love all his songs! I became a huge dubstep fan after finding him out.

(From this line we can tell three things about her, she loves skrillex, she loves all his songs, and she loves dubstep)

So, there are plenty of ways to continue the conversation from that one line:

Oh your skrillex fan? Well you know what they say about girls who listen to him. Teasing her
You love all his songs? Which one would you say is the best?
Dubstep is awesome! Deadmau5 is my personal favorite. Got any other favorite dubstep artists besides skrillex?

Again, just pay attention to what people are saying, and you'll find plenty of ways to branch out a conversation.

Sylamatek · 2013-04-02T03:18:00+00:00

Do something called nouning. Whenever someone answers your questions, pick up on the nouns that they use in their answer. Analyze these and try to come up with questions that incorporate some of these nouns that will get them to talk more about themselves.

Banblue · 2013-04-02T05:24:46+00:00

stop trying to be a good conversationalist and start trying to connect with people. Instead of trying to impress them with your linguistic skills focus on finding out more about them, how they see the world and sharing your own experience. be honest. make eye contact. smile.

ThrowawayPUA · 2013-04-02T00:15:42+00:00

You become a better conversationalist by listening. Ironic, isn't it?

A conversation isn't just you thinking of what you're going to say next, while she's talking, and you're waiting for your chance to speak. That is what distracts you from listening actively, and engaging with her conversation.

Read the section about conversation in "How to Win Friends and Influence People."

itsiceyo · 2013-04-02T00:00:39+00:00

practice. even just a 'good morning' and a smile. It gets pretty easy after a while.

skeddles · 2013-04-02T01:07:26+00:00

The best way to practice is to go somewhere where there's a bunch of people you'll never see again. Then it doesn't matter!

asad16 · 2013-04-02T02:33:28+00:00

Talk more. You naturally have a filter, and when you get into conversation you end up running out of things to say because your filter doesn't let anything out. After talking more, you will be more conscious of what you don't end up saying and at that point you have to prevent your filter from kicking in. This may sound weird, but try it out. Try to talk about anything, whatever you want.

contextsdontmatter · 2013-04-02T03:54:23+00:00

talk about yourself if you're stuck. just really mean it when you try to get to know them more.

blackohat · 2013-04-02T04:21:13+00:00

I think if you are in a situation where you have a few minutes with someone, it can be fun to try to find out something interesting about the other person. Just about everyone you meet has something about them that is quite interesting. May be a hobby, may be an experience they had, may be a strange skill or occupation.

You usually have to ask the right questions to find that interesting thing about someone but over time you can definitely develop the skill. A lot of is it just asking the normal questions like, what do you do or where are you from and if you show genuine interest sometimes they will answer your question in such a way that you can ask a followup question.

And because this is a skill, I have noticed that my ability to consistently have a meaningful conversation with random people and find their interestingness deteriorates from lack of use. So, like everyone else has said, practice.

I get bugged really easy when people try to make small talk with me but if someone shows genuine interest in my life and seem to want to understand who I am, the walls totally fall down.

TL;DR: Everyone is interesting in some way, so just be interested in everybody.

YippyKayYay · 2013-04-02T04:46:01+00:00

Want to know my secret? I just fucking say whatever comes to my mind (within legal reason). And just build on that. Say the things you'd think are funny!

Oh and just be inquisitive about life. Find topics that interest you and learn. It always helps!

2013-04-02T02:42:56+00:00

Practice.

DrunkAtTheWedding · 2013-04-02T05:35:01+00:00

All these are really good comments. One thing I feel I can add, as I have been practicing this a lot lately is to attempt to hold the conversation for as long as possible, even past the point of becoming uncomfortable, weird, or even awkwardly silent.

Like lifting weights you get better much faster when you push your limits. I get better every time, and some of the stuff that comes out to keep the conversation going amazes even myself.

(These conversations usually burn bridges with the person, but when you actually go to attempt a pickup with the skills you get, you will have ample opportunity in the high points of the conversation to escalate, bounce, or close.)

asimplegame · 2013-04-02T05:37:34+00:00

I'm not a master pick up artist, but conversation is the strongest part of my game. A lot of the advice given so far is sound.

Here's my general technique...

Get them to talk as much as possible without making the conversation seem unnatural. This will take some practice, but knowing it's your goal to get them to talk as much as possible IS helpful. If you get good at reading body language you can see people's eyes start to glaze over when you talk a lot, even if what you're saying is pretty interesting, people would rather talk themselves.
Talk in terms of their interests, not yours. If they're into Starcraft, talk about Starcraft, avoid your interests entirely unless the interest is shared. Show genuine curiosity about their knowledge if it's something you know nothing about. If they love to snowboard but you don't, you could say 'I've always thought it looked fun, but never learned. What's the best resort you've ever been to? Have you ever had a perfect day snowboarding? etc."
You can practice being a good conversationalist with men, and women, old and young, and the skill completely translates. So practice, practice, practice. This has been said already but it bares repeating. You will not go from poor to great conversationalist without practice, so talk to everyone!

recyclablebantha · 2013-04-02T07:04:00+00:00

I'm a funny person, and I know the "secret" is to get other people talking about themselves, but I can't help but feel like I'm losing ground a few minutes into an interaction with someone because of boring conversation, or because I have nothing to say.

Practice is something that people have already mentioned, but I'm going to also emphasize that you should pay attention to improving your LISTENING skills while practicing. If your listening skills are good, you will catch certain things the other person says give you another place to take the conversation, or that give you something to go into deeper.

But basically, the idea is that, when you're talking to someone and you want to keep talking to them, you can keep the conversation going more easily if you ask them questions about how they feel about something they just mentioned. And if you feel animated and excited or interested in what they're talking about, let that out, too.

If you're not interested in what they have to say, fucking eject, man.

If someone doesn't respond and they don't hold up their end of the conversation, fuck 'em. (Though pay mind that you're not putting them off by robotically questioning them like a police officer. It has to be natural and confident. If you're unsure how you come off, ask a friend or two that you TRUST to observe you and give you some feedback.)

Soulmonkey · 2013-04-02T07:08:30+00:00

I normally just question myself "What sort of questions can i ask regarding what my conversation-counterpart has just said?" If you're more concious about the conversation you're having, you will find it much easier to engage in a more fluent social situation.

Usually it doesn't matter what you ask about or talk about - just keep asking questions to keep the conversation flowing and you'll have a much easier time connecting with people.

sparkydoomscat · 2013-04-02T09:53:41+00:00

Talk about things you like. People who are interested will converse and the conversation will flow. You will have better success with these people and you'll like them more and have more fun. The key is to find things you may have in common, or at least might interest both.

You also don't have to say every goddamn thing that comes to mind, think signal to noise ratio. Don't waste your words either, make what you say count. A wise man speaks because he has something to say, a fool speaks because he has to say something.

Kavika · 2013-04-02T00:09:17+00:00

Read more. Ask more questions. Have interesting things to say

Title	How can I become a better conversationalist?
Author	b28o6tw9yl4n71fq
Upvotes	85
Comments	46
Date	April 1, 2013 10:35 PM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1bgrlp/how_can_i_become_a_better_conversationalist/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/how-can-i-become-a-better-conversationalist.1349842 https://theredarchive.com/post/1349842

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