The downward spiral of being single for too long (inner game).

nomurhuckleberry · 2014-01-12T15:55:02+00:00

I've been single a while, about 2 years. It finally clicked when I realized a woman won't make me happy I do. When you stop looking for happiness from someone else and start enjoying and owning life then your dream girl will show up. If I live my life as good as I can and am still alone in 20 years at least I'm doing everything else right for myself. I kept trying to find a girl to start a life with. Now I'M starting a lone wolf life, if she comes along and wants to be part of it awesome.

Edit. Thx for the gold, need to learn what it does haha.

VonStraussKoc · 2014-01-12T17:06:39+00:00

Society seems to have this perception that being single is inherently wrong. Its not, its just different to what people in relationships know (which is usually where the pressure comes from). We get many more examples of idealised lifestyles from committed relationships as opposed to the opposite. It all depends on your perspective.

Think of the people in relationships around you. We all know someone who is in one because they can't face being alone. We know of couples who are just wrong for each other. How about different lifestyle goals? Some people stay in relationships because that is all they know. Its a comfort thing. Of course, you do also get the ones where they love each other dearly as well, and I think we'd all like a piece of that pie some day in our lives. It all depends on whether you want that now.

Now think of the single people you know. Might be someone who can't face emotional intimacy or getting hurt. Or how about someone who is so emotionally dependent on others that it scares them away. Or just plain lonely and nobody to share their life with. Some people stay single because that is all they know. Comfort. And then you get the happy single folk, who challenge themselves, enjoy their own company, make an effort, show interest in others and be damn well interesting too.

My last relationship if I can even call it one was 8 years ago. Since then i've dated a bit here and there and slept with a few less than ideal women. Part of what kept me single for so long was a fear of commitment and knowing I just wasn't ready. But for the most part, I was generally pretty happy, always enjoyed my own company and the company of others, traveled, invested heavily in some friendships (and made some losses too, but quality gains in the long run), challenged myself, picked up some skills, learnt to invest in myself and be less emotionally dependent on others. I exercise, meditate and work out, I dance as a hobby, i'm learning a language and study a few things. I work on being better than I was the day before. And when i'm in this mode, I get more attention from everyone. Its nice to get that external validation, but it shouldn't have to be about that. Its what's inside that counts.. And that's when people notice.

If you think there is something wrong with yourself, then you're generally right, and its a damn hard mindset to break out of cause you start to look for things to validate that perception. But if you just keep investing in yourself you might one day find that whole question to be a bit of a joke. In fact, you'll probably have an answer by then.

l337m4n · 2014-01-12T16:14:11+00:00

Take action, take action, take action. Go out and approach. Start exercising. Get good-fitting clothing. Floss your teeth. But, above all, just approach.

herpty_derpty · 2014-01-12T16:36:45+00:00

I'm not exactly the best person to give advice on this. I know this all too well: I had a 3 week long "relationship" when I was 23; I'm 28 now, and that is all I've ever had. Despite knowing about my anxiousness from not going to school and having aspergers (diagnosed by three different professionals), I only just recently realized how bad of a shape I was in - no circle of friends for nearly two years, stuck at dead-end job, and having no real education - so I started seeing a psychologist. I used to think that if I just found a good girlfriend, that it would invigorate my life. But I've come to realize that when two people like each other, they're typically sharing happiness with each other - happiness that they already had prior to dating. If I'm not confident with my life, a woman is not going to bring me out of that depression (hell, that's probably why the only one I've had didn't last longer). So, basically, as what the others here have already said: we just gotta concentrate on us instead of them. I've started to become as outgoing as possible. I've been trying to force myself to say "how are you today?" at strangers (this is VERY difficult for me), and it feels great to see their positivity from me saying this. I just started going to the gym yesterday, and I'm even going back to school soon. And then, maybe at some point, females may come into the situation as a supplement, interested in the guy who looks content with himself.

Mo_Lester69 · 2014-01-12T18:22:02+00:00

19 years of singleness right here

2014-01-12T22:24:08+00:00

find your passion and just focus on that man

anything else is just icing on the cake

confused_penguin_ · 2014-01-12T16:13:04+00:00

I realized I use sex & closeness with women as a way of making myself feel better about myself after I broke up with an emotionally & verbally abusive girlfriend. Talking with people about it made me realize that I am very insecure and have low self esteem and that's why I put up with it for so long. I am a good looking guy but have no game, I've always been approached by women at work(when I worked for a large company) or at bars or through friends. So I think I pretty much would take any woman that would take me(as long as she's halfway decent looking). My friends made me realize that I need to work on myself and be happy with myself, by myself. And if I improve myself and love myself and become secure to where I'm ok alone, then a woman that is actually worth my time will come into my life and she will genuinely make me happy, not just because I need someone, anyone, but because she is secure with herself too and will genuinely be my teammate in life.

Relationships are about matching security levels and if you meet someone who is insecure as you are, you both will cling to each other but eventually the relationship will go to hell and there's nothing either of you can do about it. You don't want that. You want to be healthy and secure with yourself and then a healthy relationship will come your way naturally.

popeyepaul · 2014-01-12T20:16:07+00:00

I already commented of a few other comments but here's my opinion, unfortunately I don't have any easy answers. I'm 28, lost my virginity at 22, never been in a relationship for more than 2 weeks. I get along with girls just fine, getting kisses, dates, sex, every now and then. Focused a lot on my career and it's starting to pay off quite well. But never a relationship with anyone, because I've been to scared or didn't think the girls were good enough.

What I can tell you from experience that women will not come to you. Even if they're interested, they at best make themselves available and wait for you to make your move. You simply cannot wait for good things to happen to you, you need to go out there and make things happen.

I think you are needlessly shaming yourself for your past. You're literally telling yourself that you're not good enough, and that's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Remember that girls who you meet have no idea who you are, or who you were.

Try to forgive yourself, then go out there and try to have fun, and when you see girls out there, simply make things happen.

michaelmranti · 2014-01-12T20:46:16+00:00

[permanently deleted]

deadpoolsnutsack · 2014-01-12T19:43:13+00:00

I've personally locked myself in a hyperbolic time chamber. I plan on having my first men's physique competition, I'm returning to school to finish my undergrad, I have lots of debt I need to pay off, I want to start painting again and there's also plenty of books I never got a chance to read. Women drain you of your time, money and energy. I just got dumped by my ltr (3 months) and I was almost looking forward to it because I knew it would propel me into getting focused and kicking ass.

HeartBlade · 2014-01-12T16:38:22+00:00

Dude, you are 25. Some people get married in their early 20s, some get married when they are 35, some never get married. Nothing wrong with any of them. Is it so wrong to be single?

TBH, I have a much worse record than you. I've never had an official long term relationship since I was always staying in my room reading, writing papers or studying. I enjoy watching tv shows and theories rather than socializing and that is fine by me. I know I can hold a conversation with most people and when I do talk, I always can share something. I find it hard to find a girlfriend not because Im not interested but because I cant find someone who shares the interest I share (to be fair, I do live in a country where English is not the first language and that hinders things for me alot).

Think about the girl you want to be with and then think about what kind of person you want to be such that you will make that ideal person happy.

Riddle_me_This2012 · 2014-01-12T22:36:05+00:00

Your dating life story sounds almost exactly the same as mine. I have felt the exact same. 5 years single. Couple of dates in that time frame. 3 year relationship and a 6 month relationship. Weird.

txroller · 2014-01-13T00:11:04+00:00

there is a lot of advice about face to face club style meetings in r/seduction. I suck at this type of interaction so I have met most of the women in my sex life online.

I have a friend with an Apple AP that you pick out 5 girls you like in your area then the girls are shown your pic in the same search and if they pick you, Voila date and 1 step closer to closing (I think this app is similar to grinder...)

So, anyway I suggest getting this app, OK Cupid, POF and go for it. Don't focus too much on 1 girl, look for chemistry and her real intrest in you. gl

edit... enjoy life don't push for a relationship, many girls are putting off marriage and kids for careers. Have Fun

shuritsen · 2014-01-12T20:28:27+00:00

Classic Schmosby.

pakinrhymes · 2014-01-12T21:14:55+00:00

I have been single for all 22 years of my life and I love it! Like the old cliche goes, happiness comes from within. When your internally happy you will attract many females who want in on your life. Yes, sometimes you feel lonely and would like a partner but for the most part I would not have done many things in my life if I had a girlfriend.

It's human connection we all crave but if your personally not happy you're not going to find it in someone else. "If you are lonely when you're alone, you are in bad company."

redpill_ta · 2014-01-12T18:40:25+00:00

Hey friend, you are more or less a copy of me ... right now.

I'm in my mid 20s, had only one LTR (10 months) that ended 3 years ago (and it was not a healthy one). I've had a 1 night stand, if you can call it that (BJ, no more) with a HB3 (2 years ago) and a makeout session with a HB8 (few months ago).

But unlike you, I don't feel like there's something wrong with me (or, correction, I did, but I've been reading PUA, seduction, redpill, mra and general psychology/sociology for 2 years now) and I'm an extreme extrovert.

I've only been on around 30 dates, maby 5 since I finally learned to "handle" women (this is where the HB8 came into play) but I'm stuck in a catch 22 - I've not had sex in so long I'm unberably horny and it presents itself as super needy the second I know I could F-close her ... that's also the moment that is no longer an option (i loose frame).

I'm at a point where my friends are telling me to hire a hooker, just to scratch the itch. Oh yes, and my mother keeps asking me if I'm dating some one.

I don't really know where I'm going with this, besides telling you, you are not alone and yes, it's all about inner game. I find it's actually more relevant than being more successful than most of your peers.

sabotourAssociate · 2014-01-12T22:46:35+00:00

I am the same way, but I dont know what to say, there is pretty solid advices in the threat. Thanks for posting OP, wish you luck.

westsan · 2014-01-13T00:59:22+00:00

I was recently trying to coach and encourage a friend in a similar situation, but for whatever reasons he could not lighten up and hold his own weight. <sigh>

As of yesterday I've decided to let him do his own thing because he was dead weight and holding me back from hook-ups.

In a way, he made me do my best work, I pulled in three pars that we could have possibly closed, but I honestly think he just doesn't want it for himself enough to help me close, and life is too short for that. But I do agree that it's a viscous spiral, and he/you may just have to hit bottom before you come up again.

flyingrabbit · 2014-01-13T01:09:00+00:00

I'm on a similar boat with you. Just turned 25 and I broke off my 3 year relationship with my ex. Previously I've been in long term relationships, 1+ years, and I know before my ex I always thought I'd be with someone all the time in order to be happy. During my 3 year relationship it clicked and I didn't need to be with someone to be happy, I need to be happy by myself first in order to love others. Pretty much after the break up I've been working on "inner game" by reading self help books, meditating, picking up a gym membership, pursuing more what I want to do. I must say it feels slow at first but it could feel really liberating in a sense. Now I'm planning trips and really wanting a desire to explore the world with an open heart and mind. Anyways I just wanted to toss my 2 cents out there that you're not alone.

TheIrish · 2014-01-13T01:45:03+00:00

I was in the exact same boat. And it sucked. Hard. Luckily, I always had super supportive friends and family and they knew I sucked at dating, so they never really asked too often.

Eventually what you'll have to do(or not, it worked for me), is just snap out of it. Go out somewhere and just try to have a good time. Get drunk, start talking to people. It's probably thrown around a lot here (i don't read this sub as often as I glance over threat titles), but confidence is key. Fake it, if you can.

I'm not aggressive, I don't act like someone I'm not. But the one thing I had to do was fake being confident. I never really get to "alpha" level, if that means anything, but I keep talking until it feels more natural.

The most important part was finding the opportunity to meet someone. I never met a girl at home on a Friday night. Being an introvert is hard, and people don't really understand why people don't just "get over it". You may be that way the rest of your life, but it doesn't have to define you if you don't want it too.

So, a few recommendations. - Get a good wingman, you're married friends owe you one for dealing with whatever problems I'm sure you've sat through. - Find a place to become a regular at. Even if it's just a trivia night at a local pub. Eventually people will start to know you, and you can feel more comfortable every week. - Attempt only dating. Just start talking to people. I had no luck with it, but it sure helped me learn when I sound like an idiot.

I dunno, I'm not great at this, but hopefully some of it helped.

soupermain · 2014-01-13T02:39:10+00:00

Read models brahsef

2014-01-13T03:40:19+00:00

I'm on my phone so I'll keep it short....

Guys- why don't u guys understand that dating IS a skill like any other. Like getting ur lifts up in the gym. Like shortening ur 1 mile time. Like improving ur alcohol tolerance by drinking with buddies all the Damn time :) lol

Take action, massive action. For a newbie, approach 3 women a day with the mindset to be a cool motherfucker...not to get any results (number, date, etc). Only when u get positive reactions can u proceed to the next t step. .n on n on. But in all seriousness, it's a fucking skill. U WILL slowly improve over time.
I'm at the point where I close 75% of the time within a date or two. And it took a couple years to get here. Now I wasn't overly shy but neither a social butterfly. I was average. But my mindset changed, it grew. I don't depend on women for my happiness anymore. I don't care what they might think. I push. I makeout. I find any reason to get them back.

And saying ur shy is the easiest copout to not taking action.

magicroot75 · 2014-01-13T03:45:47+00:00

I feel like everyone always has a "personal reason" for being single. Shit, I'm a really cool guy with a pretty sweet resume. I don't have a gf because I have never felt deeply connected to a woman. I want to , but I haven't. Probably did 5 dates last year and kissed 5-7 girls.

Kryonixc · 2014-01-13T04:13:25+00:00

what's the point in a relationship if you don't 110% enjoy spending time with the person? I say, (being in a very similar situation) the issue at hand is that you (and me, and others in this thread) simply didn't find the right person to enjoy sharing so much of our personal time with. Think of it as a sub conscious thing - you feel like you don't want to share your time with someone and then you close that possible path into a relation.But that's just my feel of things - 23.5 y/o.

nomis_nehc · 2014-01-13T04:26:51+00:00

Dude, you're 25.

2014-01-13T05:45:10+00:00

32, single for half that time. Plenty of dates, just nothing solid yet. Lots of flakes out there. I was a shy introvert myself and I've been working to break out of that shell. I have made the mistake of chatting too much and holding myself back, but that's all changing and the results are clear. Much more action and more importantly, more fun. :-) Small changes go a long way.

HorseLifer · 2014-01-14T05:45:48+00:00

There's some seriously good advice in this thread here. But the resonating message is this: you need to realize that women will not give you completion in life. The way you're thinking about this whole situation is that

No girl = no completion, something wrong with me, empty cup

Girl = complete, fulfilled, full cup

Trust in the teachings of wise men and know that without a woman, you are still as strong as you can be. Women can be a tremendous asset to a man's life but in the words of David Deida, "Your purpose must come before your relationship"

2014-01-15T01:11:00+00:00

I'm only 19 , but I sometimes feel that. Some of my friends are in relationships, and the female friends of mine are always talking about getting into relationships or some guy, it kind if makes me sad inside , cause I've never been into a relationship yet. That being said , my situation is unique , I've gotten into a friends with benefits situation before .... But, not having been into a relationship and being slightly shy, what I am doing is improving my self socially(like joining Salsa classes) and physically(Working out), while approaching women and building my inner confidence. So OP try improving yourself ,and also approaching women. It dosen't matter if you are shot down or if you havent got what you were aiming for , want you want is to improve your inner confidence.

deadpoolsnutsack · 2014-02-01T19:24:00+00:00

My power levels are over 9000!

gamertagplayerone · 2014-01-13T07:15:41+00:00

I'm with nomurhuckleberry :). I'm 29 female, and currently very happy with my single life. I get date invitations frequently, and frankly, have no problems finding men. However, i choose to stay single because I figure that either the right man will come along or I'm going to have an incredibly wonderful and inspiring life. Or both :) and there's just no point or time to worry about that right man when I have an incredible life to live :)

LyingPervert · 2014-01-12T22:09:45+00:00

Being in a relationship isn't the key to happiness. It can help but you'll be happy about the relationship and not yourself. Just love yourself and be comfortable with yourself.

monsieurpommefrites · 2014-01-13T03:18:01+00:00

DUUDE YOU WILL DIE SOON IF YOU WILL NOT TRY NOW YOU WILL NEVER TRY THERE IS NO PERFECT OPPORTUNITY JUST DO IT

NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU YOU ARE LETTING YOUR INSECURITIES KEEP YOU ALONE WERE IT NOT FOR THEM YOU WOULD HAVE TO HIRE A LIFEGUARD TO KEEP YOU FROM DROWNING IN PUSSY

BE CONFIDENT BE CONFIDENT BE LIKE ME. I AM CONFIDENT. PEOPLE LIKE CONFIDENCE. GIRLS ARE PEOPLE. GIRLS LOVE CONFIDENCE. GIRLS LIKE MONEY TOO AND CONFIDENT PEOPLE ARE WELL PAID. BUT THE MONEY THING IS IRRELEVANT

YOU WILL NEVER HAVE THE SAME CHANCES AGAIN BROTHER

IM TELLING YOU MAN

DONT WORRY ABOUT YOUR AGE. MEN REACH THEIR PRIME 33-45.

BUT DONT WAIT TILL THEN.

IM GOING TO PM YOU YOU ASSHOLE.

YOU'D BETTER START WORKING AT IT.

Title	The downward spiral of being single for too long (inner game).
Author	cduct
Upvotes	216
Comments	102
Date	January 12, 2014 2:52 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1v1599/the_downward_spiral_of_being_single_for_too_long/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/the-downward-spiral-of-being-single-for-too-long.1364347 https://theredarchive.com/post/1364347

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