You were never really attracted to her, it was just validation.

ItsBinissTime · 2016-03-01T12:29:01+00:00

This seems exactly correct to me.

I think you should use it as an opportunity to understand yourself better. Figure out who you're really attracted to and who you aren't. Stay friendly with those you aren't. Pursue those you are.

Getting a little validation after a low point or dry spell is ok, but get over the need for it and move forward.

travdaddy226 · 2016-03-01T14:52:48+00:00

Wow, this happens to a lot! I couldn't put my finger on it and I don't know why, but your words make sense to me. I'm 30, and I've had one relationship that lasted a year, but otherwise I've had countless that have only lasted a month because after I knew the feelings were mutual, I lost attraction to that person....I really enjoy the challenge, the chase, and all that more than anything else I guess?

Redditor243 · 2016-03-02T00:04:57+00:00

Don't apprach because she's ATTRACTIVE

Approach because you are ATTRACTED

Turlast · 2016-03-01T16:17:32+00:00

That's certainly not how it is for me. I usually just bitch up because I really didn't expect her to see me that way. It makes you feel good, but when you don't feel worthy of her, you'll do everything in your power to sabotage it. It's stupid.

sacred-pepper · 2016-03-01T14:36:35+00:00

The question is: why do you need to feel validated by other people?

shoganaiyo · 2016-03-01T18:53:13+00:00

Yep, I get that sometimes too. Subconsciously, all you really want to know is that you're good enough to be accepted. Once you have proof, your brain stops looking. You're not really losing interest in the girl, you're feeling relief from the tension of believing that you're weren't acceptable. It's not uncommon, people of both genders and all ages experience it.

DaygameCoach · 2016-03-01T14:25:03+00:00

Read the victim type "conqueror" in Art of Seduction by Robert Greene, and see if it resonates with you.

BTW, you sure you don't mean losing interest and not losing attraction?

Tiritoh · 2016-03-01T15:12:33+00:00

"It was just validation" what does it mean actually, people mention validations but I never understand that. English is not my first language so...

gradcasanova · 2016-03-01T14:37:14+00:00

You never liked her - you liked the idea of her. It's good that you realized this now

wingmanconsult · 2016-03-01T16:52:38+00:00

I don't see all that much wrong with validation, though it has a negative connotation. I love having validation sometimes, though my ego is pretty logical instead of emotional.

For instance a lot of motivation for me to lift is because I want respect from other people and not be the skinny guy anymore. Validation for sure.

I skate pretty hard, and try new things to get better... to show my skills and craftsmanship on the board. Thinking about bustin' a trey flip in front of a group of girls on campus and them being attracted. Total validation.

SmoothPrimal · 2016-03-01T18:50:11+00:00

Not for me. Once I get a girl, I start seeing her flaws and I start looking for another girl who doesn't have those flaws.

The good thing about this is I naturally go for hotter and hotter girls.

sirsumosam · 2016-03-01T19:33:12+00:00

This is the story of my life. I've noticed that my level of overall attraction / desire for women I am interested in is directly proportional to how much they like me back. Even when I start dating someone I'm initially very interested in, when I start seeing that they're getting obsessed about me, sending me lots of texts and being needy, I fucking need out.

It's interesting how most of the women I've fallen head-over-heels for haven't really been incredibly attractive. They just didn't like me, and I found the fact that I wasn't good enough for them to be incredibly irresistible.

I've found this is less a problem now, though. As I work on myself and build confidence, I'm better at avoiding that "I need validation" pitfall like I always used to do.

Raisethydongers · 2016-03-01T21:18:22+00:00

It's the hunt thats fun, not the feast.

OprahIsHungry · 2016-03-01T17:42:00+00:00

Holy shit I'm going through this right now. Two chicks are super into me. They're not bad whatsoever, and with one of them we click on many levels. But I feel absolutely nothing for them.

dejour · 2016-03-01T20:22:14+00:00

I have a similar issue, but I think of it slightly differently.

I seem to subconsciously think that anyone that is worth dating is too good for me.

So if someone is interested in me, it means they aren't actually too good for me. Therefore, they aren't actually worth dating. Therefore I lose attraction.

I'm trying to change my unhealthy belief. The core of my belief is low self-esteem. Maybe yours is too?

EDIT: Another possibility is that it is a protection mechanism. I expect others to be hurtful. So longing for a woman who is not interested in me is not risky. It won't happen. But if all of a sudden it becomes an actual possibility, that can be scary. My brain may be convincing me that she isn't that attractive in order to sabotage the potential relationship.

Strike48 · 2016-03-01T20:42:27+00:00

This is only true in certain scenarios specially if you constantly seek validation. I talked to this girl recently and there was a moment where shit clicked. I could tell she liked me and I liked her. Even though I know she likes me at this point, I don't feel any less attracted to her. I feel even more attracted.

quartermanpete · 2016-03-02T00:29:23+00:00

tl;dr Staying with somebody for that validation is miserable, but if you can't identify what you're doing, you won't be able to fix it.

I made the same mistake. I dated a girl knowing from the start that I had very little physical attraction for. Even worse, she didn't have much of a personality and would never stand up for herself. I don't find a lack of these traits attractive.

What she did have was an intense and illogical infatuation with me. I thought it was amazing to have somebody so enamored with me.

When I started becoming depressed, I tried things such as binge eating, drinking, excessive sleeping, and abandoning my supposedly asshole friends. I know those are symptoms of depression, but I honestly believed that doing these things would make me feel better. They only made me feel worse.

When I finally decided that dumping the girlfriend that I didn't even like would fix it, I fell deeper into the depression cause I had no people left to associate with, I had pushed them all away.

After medicinally readjusting my serotonin levels, I was finally able to work on myself. After some No More Mr. Nice Guy, internet searches, Seddit, and finally TRP, which I've only recently discovered, I'm finally myself again, and a way better version of myself, at least psychologically.

Staying with somebody for that validation is miserable, but if you can't identify what you're doing, you won't be able to fix it. That's why we need to keep discussing these topics and continue to spread the word.

OP, you're already ahead since you can identify your own need for validation.

[edit] formatting

Monkey_Jerk · 2016-03-02T02:00:29+00:00

For me it's not that I lose interest, it's that I'd rather take the ego boost than continue an interaction and fuck it up along the way. So I still find them attractive and take the validation.

phillychee · 2016-03-02T03:29:56+00:00

The only reason this could be a problem is if you don't ever find a person you want to be with. If you're ALWAYS looking for validation, you might be a vulnerable narcissist, expecting to get the validation and when it finally comes, you move on to the next without any thought for the other person. If you do find someone who makes you happy and isn't just another notch in your belt, then you're not said vulnerable narcissist. You bringing this up and saying you weren't attracted to her could also be a self fulfilling prophecy.

jesus, it's too deep.

2016-03-12T20:53:46+00:00

You just answered all my questions man.

Overnight_Delivery · 2016-03-01T15:05:10+00:00

I disagree this isn't the only cause of this. When she starts showing interest in you the shared narrative is actually now changing from does like she like me to do I like her. She is becoming the pursuer, so the underlying direction of the interaction is her now trying to get validation from you.

Essentially she is bombarding you with interactions that are in a sense a bunch of yes no questions "hey I just said this in an entertaining way, do you like me?". So if you are interacting with her with empathy then you will be wanting to respond essentially yes or no.

Good gamers know not to frame their interactions with a girl so that it is coming off as a decidable yes or no that has to be answered. Those with confidence wouldn't frame their interactions so that essentially a yes or no vibe needs to be returned. So no pressuring the other to potentially internally say no they don't like you.

Title	You were never really attracted to her, it was just validation.
Author	tamilgangster
Upvotes	266
Comments	61
Date	March 1, 2016 11:15 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/48fscv/you_were_never_really_attracted_to_her_it_was/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/you-were-never-really-attracted-to-her-it-was-just.1403350 https://theredarchive.com/post/1403350

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