Hi everyone. My wife and I separated in early February and have started the divorce process. Thankfully it’s fairly amicable so far and our kids are doing quite well in the circumstances.

I’ve been doing surprisingly decent. I’m losing weight, gaining muscle, reading lots about relationships and reigniting my social life. I’ve no doubt that I’m on an unpredictable journey in terms of grief and difficult emotions but largely I’m incredibly optimistic for my future and, to use the cliche, finding myself again.

My main problem is understanding, when I’m ready, what dating paradigm feels right for me.

I was very inexperienced with women prior to meeting my wife and I now see obviously that I didn’t properly screen her. My non negotiables have changed significantly. I’m an attractive guy and have some element of ‘game’ in terms of rapport building but not in terms of flirting. I haven’t approached much in the past but I believe it’s something I will do and enjoy learning.

I feel like I want to get a lot of experience with women. Not for ego but just for fun and to know some abundance with women to hone my understanding of what I’m ultimately looking for. This should help me maintain attraction and polarity later when I find another woman to share my life with. And yes, I want a lot of sex.

So what’s the problem? The problem is that I’m an evangelical Christian. My dating paradigm for years has been ‘only date to marry’ and ‘no sex before marriage’. The divorce has already challenged my theology greatly but I feel a strong sense of grace through it all.

A big part of me wants to become a player. To get very good with women. But how do I reconcile this? There aren’t many attractive single Christian women near me and many of them will be a lot younger (I’m 40 this year), will be against pre-marital sex and will view me as damaged goods. And, to be honest, I don’t want to limit my dating to Christian women, even if ultimately I would want to marry someone who shares my faith. I won’t be looking for a serious relationship for quite a while I’d guess.

Many of you will be thinking ‘ok well give up your faith, religion is a lie anyway’. I get that perspective but that’s a no go for me. I’ve encountered Jesus and can’t deny it or go back.

Maybe I can date but keep it in my pants. Problem is that the genie’s already out the bottle in terms of sex and I’d rather channel that drive with women than by watching porn.

I ideally want to be honest and make it clear that I’m not looking for anything serious. But I’m aware that sex for many women bonds them deeply to a guy. Is it more or less responsible to have a clearly communicated one night stand or a 2/3 month ambiguous but intimate sexual relationship? The former sounds less wholesome but I’d have assumed that the longer, more intimate it gets, the more painful it is for the woman when the man walks away. If I know I’m not gonna be with someone long term, is it just using them to date for experience and pleasure?

If anyone has any experience of this, I’d be interested to hear about it. Also I’d be interested to hear if any of you had massive leaps forward in your dating life post divorce? What did you do? Did you try approaching and such like?

Whatever happens, I’m not going to try to get laid until my divorce is final. Though I will do lots of social stuff and may even approach women to break through the fear of it.