Should I withhold sex till marriage?

youllknowwhenitstime · 2024-05-24T17:47:32+00:00

EDIT: Whoa, hold up. I just realized which previous poster you were. You need an ice bath to wake up, seriously.

Previous post: "He doesn't have sex with me enough, I don't want to initiate, and in the last couple days I started turning him down! Ugh, I just want to have more sex. Why is everyone fixating on me turning him down?"

New post: "I've had a realization! God wants me to turn him down! But not BJs, God is kinda cool with BJs I guess."

Quit trying to find justification to sabotage what otherwise sounds like a perfectly good relationship.

The below is for anyone who is genuinely trying to square their religious seeking with their current relationship.

If you quit having sex with a man you're having sex with:

You. Are. Ending. The. Relationship.

There is no going back from "Oops, changed my mind, actually I'm not into you enough to want to have sex with you any more. Maybe someday in the future!"

Ok, that's great, so what happens when you find God and have newfound living standards?

Every single couple I've seen in this situation who ACTUALLY wanted to be together and ACTUALLY were committed to new values simply... got married. If not Catholic, they went down to the courthouse the next day after they realized what they actually valued. If Catholic, what priest is going to discourage a young couple that says, "Hey, we want to quit living in sin, how can we get married privately and simply as soon as possible?"

The wedding party can come later. You can be as open or private about the order of events as you want. But any religious couple who wants to get married and have sex... just gets married and has sex. They don't blow up their relationship for no reason.

But if he doesn't want to marry now, and doesn't care about the same religious lifestyle standards as you do, then you need to consider vetting criteria for things like timeline compatibility and spiritual leadership ability.

Also consider the possibility you're kidding yourself. If you aren't sure you want to marry your fiance and you want to stop having sex with him, it could just be that you're looking for a way to end the relationship and religion is an excuse.

_Pumpkin_Muffin · 2024-05-24T17:29:16+00:00

This

I am excited for the wedding but it really just feels like we are already married. We are committed, we have plans for the future, we live together, we have sex. So what would marriage change other than a fun wedding? So that made me feel sad.

and this

To figure out without any clouding whether we truly are right for each other

don't add up. Either you are basically "already married", which is a commitment for life, or you still need to figure out whether you are right for each other. So which is it? Do you truly have NOTHING to look forward to in committing for life to this man, except a party?

I’m also thinking of simply doing BJs to help him w the release as this is not problematic for me at all, nor does it make me attached to him since it’s not as intimate.

So you want to stop having premarital sex to repent and stop "sinning", but also keep having premarital sex, only with a different bodypart?

rosesonthefloor · 2024-05-24T18:16:00+00:00

BJs [don’t] make me attached to him

????

You are planning to MARRY this man, and spend the rest of your life with him, and you don’t want to be attached to him??

That’s… incredibly concerning.

I agree that trying to backtrack on sex now, if he’s not on the same page, is going to deal a massive blow to your relationship.

Also - consider that as you both age, your sex drives will further decrease, and given the age gap, his will likely do so before yours does. You should not go into this marriage expecting things to change and to have more sex - that’s only setting you and your future husband up for failure. Expect and accept that the frequency will stay as it is now.

You need to accept your future husband as he is - that’s marriage. If you go in expecting that type of change, I can almost guarantee you’ll be disappointed.

If you can’t deal with that, you need to seriously re-evaluate things.

Astroviridae · 2024-05-24T17:30:36+00:00

You're asking a religious question on a secular subreddit, keep that in mind with the answers you will get.

From a religious standpoint, yes, you absolutely should stop fornicating (including oral btw). I also recommend contacting a priest to schedule a confession before you get married. The difficulty, however, is your fiance isn't Catholic and seemingly has no desire to be. A unilateral decision to abstain until marriage is like a bomb going off in your relationship. Choosing to abstain nearly destroyed my relationship with my now husband and both of us were returning Catholics. I held the line that I did not want to sin and my husband, though completely upset with the situation, knew he couldn't ask me to choose him over God. Eventually we got through the hurdle through the prayer, confession, and lots of communication. It was hard but necessary. Your fiance won't see it the same way, especially if you claim to want abstinence to stop sinning but don't even go to church. In his eyes he'll view it as a rejection of his love. If abstaining is something you're serious about, start going to mass (with him if possible) and keep an open line of honest communication with him.

Let's talk about your cold feet though.

bit of gloom regarding us getting married. It’s something I’ve been feeling lately.

To figure out without any clouding whether we truly are right for each other

The appropriate time to figure out whether you are right for each other is before engagement. With your recent posts, I'm starting to believe you don't want to get married.

TheBunk_TB · 2024-05-24T18:54:39+00:00

Pro tip:

Don’t sabotage your relationship

Takes some deep jiujitsu to do that

Yellow flag for me

Wife_and_Mama · 2024-05-24T19:41:32+00:00

You're the problem here. I don't mean that to be hateful, just to say that this is something you need to work out. Three times a week is a healthy sex life. It sounds like you're looking for issues, by comparing this relationship to some toxic young love scenario you had years ago.

Are you in therapy? Are you in too much therapy? From your posts, which is of course all I have to go on, it seems like you two are fine as far as compatibility goes. You just seem to have unrealistic expectations. You're not going to have both contentment and security in marriage and a volatile, dramatic relationship that ends in pushing each other against the wall and tearing each other's clothes off. I don't think you should throw this relationship away. Choosing abstinence without his agreement, despite saying you don't even feel connected to your faith, is likely to do that.

SeeeVeee · 2024-05-24T20:49:13+00:00

Are you sure you want to marry him? Everything except your words screams "NO!". You're either in denial about wanting to marry him, or you're stuck in a cycle of playing relationship sabotaging games.

I'm skeptical that you're going to marry this guy. You aren't clueless, you know that suddenly stopping sex is going to be a massive negative for your relationship, and your stipulation that you'd give blowjobs instead makes zero sense from a religious perspective. The fact that blowjobs don't feel intimate and that that's a plus to you is strange. You most certainly were not taken advantage of; do you need to be reminded of your recent post where you were complaining that he didn't want to fuck you enough?

So within a few days, you've gone from being upset he isn't fucking you enough, to deciding that you won't have sex at all for religious reasons, but oh BJs are exempt because they don't make you feel attached?

You know how crazy this all sounds, right? You need to decide, very very soon, who you want to be. Do you want to be a wife in a happy marriage? Then stop with the fucking games, which is what this nonsense is, and prioritize your relationship. Because you will lose it if he has a backbone. You're aware of the pattern, but behave as if it's something you have no control over. You have the ability to control yourself. Do it.

When you go down weird rabbit holes like this, try writing it down, waiting a couple days, and then rereading what you wrote. Does it read like something a woman prioritizing her relationship would write? I think this might be a way for you to be more aware of your game playing, validation seeking, and sabotage oriented behaviors.

But this can't wait anymore. You need to change, and it has to genuinely come from within you, you have to mean it. Maybe a therapist helps, but I doubt it. I think it's up to you.

Do you pray? Maybe focus your prayers on being a better partner, what you can do to be better to him, and less about your own issues for a while. I think you live in your head and overthink, when you'd be better served by serving.

Camdino234 · 2024-05-24T18:21:21+00:00

You already knew the answer to the question.

One-Introduction-566 · 2024-05-24T17:23:42+00:00

I don’t like the word “withhold”, but if you are Catholic, you are supposed to abstain before marriage. Might just be your conscience or Catholic guilt speaking. I’m going through Catholic marriage prep and we are trying to stop sex till the wedding. Your fiancé should also respect that boundary.

I feel you with not liking frequency though… I seem to want it way more than my fiancé, except 3 times a week sounds amazing to me haha… when I stopped initiating we went like over a month where he tried nothing. I also feel this need to be desired by him and so it’s caused lots of convos and tears on my part but his excuse is he’s just tired from work. I don’t think 3 times a week is a bad compromise though, it’s still more than many couples, but hopefully he can do more initiating and show you he desires you through that and other ways.

I don’t think this stopping having sex is really helping me feel less hurt by his lack of desire, but it could still help you. I guess I still don’t get why he’s not at all interested when we cuddle or whatever, even if we would have to not do anything, I figure a regular dude would get excited at least some of the time and he seems to very rarely.

AutoModerator · 2024-05-24T16:52:24+00:00

Title: Should I withhold sex till marriage?

Author Optimal-You-8238

Full text: Hello all,

It’s me again. I think it would be a lot easier if you read my post called “unsatisfied w fiance” in order to understand this one better.

My fiancé (almost 34M) and I (25F) are planning our wedding, which is due to happen in exactly one year. We are getting by married by the Catholic Church. Both of us grew up in loosely catholic families but have gotten more into it in adulthood. When we first met I was a lot closer to god I guess while he was practically an atheist. I started praying to god that he would find Him, and overtime he has become not only catholic but quite committed to the process, very curious about learning more etc. I myself have to admit that I have grown quite distant from god in general in the past year or so, with him being the one insisting on us going to mass or doing the procedures to get married by the church.

We are to start a course w them in a few months and today we had a meeting w the lady who runs it. We told her our situation, how we’ve been together for little over a year, I only moved in recently after we became engaged (my pre-requisite) and something that ended up happening quicker than anticipated as we work together and I was inevitably spending lots of time at his home anyway. As we were telling her this, I felt (maybe absorbed her emotions who knows) a bit of gloom regarding us getting married. It’s something I’ve been feeling lately. I am excited for the wedding but it really just feels like we are already married. We are committed, we have plans for the future, we live together, we have sex. So what would marriage change other than a fun wedding? So that made me feel sad.

Then she asked if we were being intimate, to which we said yes, and she judged us a bit and said she recommends that we stop doing so. For some reason this really triggered me. It felt like something I needed to hear. If you read my previous post you’ll understand why but basically I’ve been having not the best relationship w sex in the past months or so. My fiancé is ok w having sex 3 times a week while I’d like more and in fact, was used to more as w my only other partner years ago (early twenties at the time, it was more frequent). This has caused me all sorts of issues, from not feeling valued or desired enough, to feeling like we went too fast, to resenting him and his “excuses” (mainly that because of his age difference his mind is more so on us building our future). It doesn’t help that I’m the most attractive I’ve ever been and am trying to get out of this loop of putting my value on my desirability (in the process of finding a therapist to work on this).

Like I said, I haven’t been very into church in the past year or so, doubting if I’m even Christian at all but while I was sitting there I got this weird urge to stop “sinning”, repent to god, and start over. When we left I told my fiancé that I’m going to think about abstaining from sex in this next year till we get married. He said it didn’t make sense and that we should just do it a month or two before we get married. But I feel like it will really help me. To figure out without any clouding whether we truly are right for each other and most importantly to rebuild my relationship w sex. And also to actually have something to look forward to besides the wedding when we do get married. I know this will not make him happy in the slightest as he hasn’t been celibate since he lost his V in his teens basically. I’m also thinking of simply doing BJs to help him w the release as this is not problematic for me at all, nor does it make me attached to him since it’s not as intimate. This is something we could stop a few months before.

What do u all think? I’d like to emphasize that I am a very reactive, easily triggered person and this is why I need to think about this rather than acting impulsively. I don’t want to do it to punish him by any means, but because it feels right and have been struggling lately w the whole feeling less desired and so much of my value being placed on that (whether this is all true or not). I barely check Reddit and before writing this post someone commented on my original unsatisfied w fiance post that we are incompatible and that the age thing is BS, which has only triggered me more.

He’s a good man, is committed to me, loves me, we are planning the wedding and I am in love as well, so I’d like for this to work. However I am a sensitive girl and this conversation has made me feel taken advtg of for not waiting till marriage (we did wait to start dating but that was that), and like submitting to god may just be the answer I’ve been looking for regarding feeling lost etc. Please share your thoughts. Thank u!

^{This is the original text of the post and this is an automated service}

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

AutoModerator · 2024-05-24T16:52:25+00:00

Thank you for posting to RPW. Here are a couple reminders:

If you are seeking relationship advice. Make sure you are answering the guidelines for asking for advice on the rules page
Do not delete your post once you have your answers. Others may have the same question!
You must participate in your own post. If you put up a post and disappear, it will be removed.
We are not here for non-participants to study us. If you are writing a paper or just curious, read our sidebar and wiki and old posts.
Men are not allowed to ask questions and generally discouraged from participating unless they are older, partnered and have Red Pill experience.
Within the last year, RedPillWomen has had over half a dozen 'Banned from 'x' subreddit' post for commenting/subscribing to RPW. Moving forwards, the mods will remove these types of posts: 1, 2, 3, 4. We recommend you make a RPW specific account.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

sandwichandtortas · 2024-05-24T19:27:47+00:00

Is the course Foccus? If not, you could look into it. Its a pre-marriage inventory endorsed by the Catholic church to evaluate compatibility, goals, values, finances, sex, etc. it may really help you.

MoreThanPurple · 2024-05-24T19:25:16+00:00

[permanently deleted]

ladida1321 · 2024-05-24T20:49:36+00:00

Oh my… this is extreme self sabotage.

3 times a week is NORMAL!!! It’s actually pretty good amount. I know it’s not exactly how much you want but this is part of being in a committed long term relationship- your sex drives will ebb and flow a lot through our your lives... like there will be times when you have no interest in sex and he will be hounding you. You’re currently meeting in the middle in a very normal way. I understand your frustration but is having sex a few more times a week worth throwing your entire relationship down the drain? This is not a dead bedroom situation/ this is having impossible standards. Which by the way- marriage isn’t going to change that so I’m confused at what your motive is- you’re going to possibly have LESS sex once you’re married…

throwitfaarawayy · 2024-05-24T22:31:36+00:00

Yeah have sex with him. It's gonna be fun. And it's the same sex after getting married.

Title	Should I withhold sex till marriage?
Author	Optimal-You-8238
Upvotes	0
Comments	50
Date	May 24, 2024 4:52 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1czpesh/should_i_withhold_sex_till_marriage/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/should-i-withhold-sex-till-marriage.1519404 https://theredarchive.com/post/1519404

Comments