Are you honest about dating other men?

Wife_and_Mama · 2024-06-05T12:20:10+00:00

"What are you up to, today?"

There are so many things you could do in a day that aren't this date. Answer with those.

"Oh, I'm taking the dog to the groomer, then hitting the gym. I might try out the new snow cone place in town."

That's it. Everyone is over complicating this. This man doesn't have a right to your detailed itinerary, but you also don't have to sound super suspect and shady. When it's time for the date, put away your phone. He's not going to need updates over a few hours.

Personally, I never dated more than one man at a time, because of this sort of thing. I struggled to keep the details straight when talking to two men, so actually meeting up with multiple guys just sounded like a lot of drama. In the future, you might try to make a choice before it's been more than one date, just to save yourself the stress.

Vermillion-Rx · 2024-06-05T01:03:10+00:00

There is a reasonable middle ground to take here. He is NOT your boyfriend and you two are NOT exclusive. For all you know this guy might fall through at some point and the guy you already scheduled won't. We don't know that yet.

The middle ground is that you are NOT obligated to throw out that information when an "I'm not available that day" is sufficient. HOWEVER, if he asks if you're on a date, i wouldn't lie.

You don't need to be so black and white about what you say, but lying is a HUGE issue. Especially to men. If you lie about a date you went on, what else are you willing to lie about. Remember, evolutionarily men had paternity uncertainty, as do all males in the animal kingdom. The female knows who she has slept with, in the event she becomes pregnant, she knows that at least one of the males is the father (if multiple). Men do not. Males in the animal kingdom do not know if they are the father.

Lying about men and sex is a fast track to contempt and mistrust, especially if this ends up working out more.

THE WORST POSSIBLE THING YOU CAN LIE ABOUT AS A WOMAN is your sexual decisions

Women are hit on more than men, women have an easier time getting sex then men. Women have an obscene level of sexual access, if any man pegs you as a liar on sexual or dating matters you will permanently destroy his trust. Even if you earn it back he will always wonder whether you are sexually trustworthy

I would NOT embark on the road of lying about this. If he asks if it's a date tell him so he can vet you. Likewise if you ask him if he's on dates he should tell you, but the gravity of lying is worse on the woman's end in this regard due to the sheer level of sexual opportunity women have

youllknowwhenitstime · 2024-06-05T01:21:35+00:00

Of COURSE they shouldn't be under the impression you're exclusive when you aren't.

That doesn't mean you rub it in their face. You have a prior commitment at that time this week, that's all.

RedsRach · 2024-06-05T09:44:54+00:00

I would say something generic like ‘I’m out tonight, sorry’. If he asks specific questions you can explain, if he doesn’t then he likely just accepts you’re casual at the moment and a conversation about exclusivity can follow naturally 😊

Jenneapolis · 2024-06-05T02:49:05+00:00

I’ll probably be downvoted to hell but … since we don’t do moralizing here but instead offer advice to the benefit of the woman…

My first answer to him would be oh I’m sorry I have plans, could we do x day instead? If he explicitly asked me if I was going on another date, I would lie and say no I was going out with friends.

To me, this is a white lie like when your mom asks “do you like my haircut” or “do I look fat.” You don’t want to hurt her. It’s a white lie for the greater good. If you tell him flat out you are going on another date, he will lose interest and won’t ever look at you the same. Since you aren’t exclusive and you aren’t doing anything wrong, I think it’s a white lie that saves everybody’s feelings.

kyle_fall · 2024-06-05T20:24:09+00:00

Curious on what you ended up doing and how it went down, can you update us?

And-she-survived · 2024-06-05T03:29:46+00:00

I don’t exactly understand where the feelings of obligation are coming from…

You don’t need to report to him. Oh, you’re usually available (and predictable) on a particular day?

Cool. What would happen if you chose to try out a new gym class on such an evening? Go out with work friends for the first time? Or simply put your phone away for the evening?

You are giving too much reign and power to someone who hasn’t exclusively committed to you. Tell him you are staying in the for the night, napping/resting early and enjoy your time out!

Or tell him, “I have a date tonight and won’t have much time to chat with you like usual. Have a good night and talk to you soon!”

CountTheBees · 2024-06-05T05:26:03+00:00

Storytime.

Back when I was 19... I was near the tail end of my polyamorous phase. One guy had already dumped me and the other was LDR, so it was just me and the LDR pretending we were poly (we weren't, just scarred into apathy, long story).

A local guy asked me out on a date, and I said yes. I told my LDR who was a bit sad about it but hid his feelings well.

At the start of the date, literally right after we ordered cappuccinos, I blurted that I was in a polyamorous relationship with another guy.

He immediately went cold and though the date went well I could feel the dynamic shift, he was cooler towards me, and knew he probably didn't like me as much anymore.

He didn't contact me after the date.

After about two weeks I summoned up all my courage and reached out to him and asked if he would like a second date. He said yes.

We met and I asked about the poly thing and he said that he didn't like it and he would expect me to break up with the LDR if we kept dating. I said yes. The rest of the second date was a very different vibe, we had fun and joked around. I broke up with the LDR.

Those two dates did develop into a 6 year relationship, and he told me he admired my upfront honesty even if the other man turned him off. I asked him why he said yes to the second date - it turned out he had a date with another girl planned, but cancelled that one to see me a second time. He said I was too good to pass up.

I think you should tell the whole brutal, honest truth. If he doesn't contact you again it's up to you to reach out to him if you want to see him again. Yes, it turns men off, but honesty, vulnerability, a little bit of courage, and fun can bring them back.

2024-06-06T17:12:51+00:00

If you are dating multiple men, good men won’t be with you. Most men will see this as disgusting. I’ve never dated multiple women. That is disgusting imo.

AutoModerator · 2024-06-05T00:46:42+00:00

Title: Are you honest about dating other men?

Author Delilahr

Full text: I think it’s okay to date multiple men at once (without having sex, of course). The question is do you tell them about that? Most people assume you’re dating other people unless there’s been talk of exclusivity.

I’m in a situation where I’m planning a date for tomorrow with Man B. Man A also wants to have a date tomorrow. Man A already knows that I’m usually available on this day so… do I lie and say I’m busy with something else? (btw it will be obvious that I’m lying) Do I simply say I can’t? (I don’t think that will go very well) Or do I just tell the truth that I have another date?

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HappySpinningSeal · 2024-06-06T03:41:11+00:00

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NovelSkin4369 · 2024-06-07T04:55:21+00:00

Tell him I am going out with a friend.. he will get the hint . And even if he doesn't don't stress over it untill u are sure whom u want to date... You are just guaging your options and nothing wrong in it...

WholeEnvironmental37 · 2024-06-08T02:44:00+00:00

How about just date one at a time. It won’t end well. You are splitting your attention.

Maleficent-Brief-178 · 2024-06-08T15:00:43+00:00

In modern society nothing is "not okay" or immoral as long as you're absolutely honest about it and while I personally don't agree with this societal norm it is the societal norm

The compunction to "lie" about it relates directly to what kind of partnership are you hoping to secure because if the partner you're looking for is healthily possessive and wants to invest in the long-term dynamic there's a very good chance (statistically) they will be turned off by this behavior. therefore in using this dating strategy and being honest about it you may "statistically" limit your ability to get the type of dynamic that those types of men offer

On the other hand If you're looking for something more casual being open and honest about interviewing multiple people In person or otherwise Is not only perfectly normal but usually expected.

Realistic_Eye_4580 · 2025-12-01T03:37:03+00:00

So many people trying to dance around just being honest, it's gross and it's part of why dating is in the state that it's in these days.

serene_brutality · 2024-06-05T15:31:09+00:00

It does seem that everyone dates around, women specifically, because it’s easier for them to. Personally if I’m dating someone seriously and she decides that she is still wanting to play the field, I find that as a disqualifier. If it’s only casual she’s free to date around, but that disqualifies her from ever being a serious contender. If she sleeps with someone else, even if we are just casually dating she’s out too. Even in casual I demand a certain level of exclusivity, mainly for health reasons, but also because I find the thought of being with a woman who was just with another man disgusting.

So you tell him that you’ve made other plans for that night and leave it at that. If he asks for specifics, you give them so he can make his own informed decision. If it were me I’d bid you a nice life. Call me what you will, accuse me of whatever, but the way I see it, if I were him, having already taken you on dates, you’ve gotten to know me and with that knowledge you’re still choosing to try and see someone else, you see me as not right for you, that I’m not a good match and you think this other guy might be. Or perhaps you’re someone who is never satisfied, always looking for bigger and better. In either case I’m out, you can go cake eat with someone else.

Ok-Scar7729 · 2024-06-05T16:01:14+00:00

Here's the point I'm wondering about ... why are you giving this guy a boyfriend level texting relationship when he's not your boyfriend? Why are you having girlfriend level communication and accountability about your personal life at this stage?

I don't see why you're in the position of needing to answer to this man about your daily whereabouts and plans. What did he do to earn that privilege?

A lot of men use texting to create a false sense of intimacy and commitment. It's a very low effort and FREE way for them to create the illusion of investment.

If he asked you to come clean his house and do his laundry, you would probably see the red flag.

This is another big reason why online dating is such a trash bin. People will meet online and be "talking" for ages before they even have a low effort coffee date.

I'd suggest raising your standards and then considering if this guy meets them. Personally, a few rules I follow are:

No online dating, ever. No tolerance for men who try to slide into social media DMs as an alternative to using dating apps. Real life ONLY. Also, no tolerance for strangers "hollering" at you as you go about your daily life. Real life interaction from a man connected to your existing social circles and properly vetted is the only way.

If I meet a man in real life and he shows interest but doesn't ask me on a proper date within a week or two of IN PERSON interaction, then I move on. He's either a player, he's not fully single, he's no emotionally available, or he lacks the confidence, time, or financial ability to date properly. Bullet dodged.

If a man asks me out there needs to be a real plan for a proper date. No coffee dates or walks in the park. You already know each other and have already gauged compatibility, availability, and attraction. Do not settle from that online dating low effort inspired malarkey. Proper weekend dinner date or no date. If he can't tell you when and where when he asks you out, you're settling for being strung along.

If he asks me out for a date three weeks from now, I turn it down. He's not ready to date if it's going to take weeks to clear his schedule. If we start dating and we are not consistently going on weekly dates, I drop it. He's showing that he doesn't have the time for a relationship.

If we get to the dating consistently phase, all communication stays IN PERSON on those dates. If he wants to get to know you better, he has to earn it. Phones are for date planning and nothing else.

Date as many men as you please (but hold them all to these standards) until one of them asks for exclusivity. Don't settle for JUST being told, "I have feelings and I think we should stop seeing other people." Ok, that's sweet, but is he looking for a perma-girlfriend or a wife? Men know what they want with a woman very quickly, and if they envision a future with you they will talk about it. Don't get sucked into agreeing to exclusivity only to find yourself wasting months/years being strung along

The first three months of an exclusive relationship is when they get girlfriend privileges. That's when they get daily texting privileges and the right to know your daily plans. That's when sex and visiting each other's homes begin. But still, zero wife privileges. No cooking, no cleaning, no secretarial duties, no financial contributions. The first three months are an evaluation period, and you should feel no guilt cutting it off for any reason.

From there you're looking for red flags and evaluating him as husband material. It's always super important to maintain a strong social life with family, friends, and hobbies, but especial during this evaluation/dating phase of your life. Don't get so sucked into the new relationship that you can't see clearly.

If he's not ready to propose in a year, I strongly suggest to end it and start dating again. Just like dating standards, have proposal standards. You're getting played into being a perma-fiance unless he's showing up with a decent ring, ready to set a date that is within the next year, make announcements, and start wedding planning.

I kinda wrote a book here, and it may seem like I'm going off topic a bit. But basically, you're getting played and you're allowing it. Ain't nobody got time for that.

_Pumpkin_Muffin · 2024-06-05T07:52:27+00:00

Can you move the date with Man B? Is he someone you text throughout the day as well or it would require less explanation?

Or say your throat hurts and reschedule with both on different days.

You don't want to lie about it and you don't want to give the explanation that you're on a date. I don't think hinting at another date would go well either. I'd just change the dates entirely and get out of it.

(However, if you text with Man A everyday about what you're doing, what happens when you do go on a date with someone else on a different day?)

Delilahr · 2024-06-05T15:27:35+00:00

[permanently deleted]

VasiliyZaitzev · 2024-06-05T03:06:33+00:00

So here are some options. For me this is a thought experiment. What you wind up doing is up to you.

The first time he asks, say that you are busy that day.

Him: “Busy with what?“

You: “Busy with none of your business.”*

The second time he asks, say “I already told you, I’m busy.”

The third time he asks, you say “I have the right to remain silent! Why are you all up in my business?!”

The fourth time he asks, say “OK, if you must know, I’m gonna go to an orgy. No, you’re not invited, because it’s going to be all girls.”

If you can’t pull this off, say “I’m going on a date with one of my many other boyfriends. Is that what you wanna hear?”

If there is a fifth time, simply say that you are tired of his incessant badgering, and being insecure is not a good luck.

Since I tend to simply be very upfront about how I go about dating, I might sometimes say something like “Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answers to.” since women are good at subtext, they immediately know that that means I’m seeing another woman and some capacity. Men are not generally good at subtext, so he may actually ask you if you really are going to an all-girl orgy. at least you will give him something to think about while you’re out with the other guy.

Are you honest about dating other men?

Comments

THE WORST POSSIBLE THING YOU CAN LIE ABOUT AS A WOMAN is your sexual decisions

This is deceptive and juvenile, date like a grown woman

Title	Are you honest about dating other men?
Author	Delilahr
Upvotes	7
Comments	91
Date	June 5, 2024 12:46 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1d8d609/are_you_honest_about_dating_other_men/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/are-you-honest-about-dating-other-men.1520580 https://theredarchive.com/post/1520580