I’m struggling. Separated wife is guilt tripping me. Am I crazy for still caring about her? Doubting myself for wanting a divorce.

caseythef1rst · 2024-08-28T16:23:34+00:00

Quite the story, thank you for sharing.

You know how when you board a flight and they tell you "in case of emergency, make sure your own oxygen mask is secure before helping others?". That is what this sounds like.

You will feel compelled to help others because of your own internal values, however if it takes its toll on you, it's only a matter of time. Focus on yourself, learn to trust again so you can look forward to a healthier more fulfilling relationship down the road. Secure your own mask before helping others.

Additional_Set_3151 · 2024-08-28T03:15:46+00:00

You're going to feel guilty regardless. I told my stbxw to leave a month after I found out. She tried to gaslight me into believing that I was a POS and how everything was my fault and that is why she cheated. Nothing about how she was completely incapable of taking care of herself for almost a decade, that I was raising her daughter as well as her, nothing about the alcohol abuse and coming home on my birthday to her passed out on the floor in her own piss, nothing about her 8 days in the psychward, just that I am so unhappy and impossible to be around....well, I wonder why.

Here is my two cents. Nobody loves a man more that a broad who needs a place to stay. Atleast you got begging all I got was a blank stare.

MoronLoserF · 2024-08-27T21:47:17+00:00

Its easy. You just divorce her and move on. If she was a kind and beautiful soul, and just cheated before marriage, then you wouldn’t be in this situation.

No kids, no need to worry. Divorce and move on.

DazzlingEcho6475 · 2024-08-27T17:37:39+00:00

Oh man, I am so sorry you are going through this. I will run through my experience, and hopefully spare you some grief.

My stbxw cheated repeatedly through the marriage. After finding out about it, I desperately wanted to reconcile, as we had a child at the time. Through almost a decade, we went through this pattern, about once a year, things got really bad, she would threaten to leave, but never actually did it. She would get mixed up with some guy at work. After a month or two, it would fall apart, and all of a sudden she wanted to try again. Like a goddamn idiot, I kept letting her stay around. Very often through the marriage, she would be emotionally abusive, lied constantly, criticized me and belittled me, and tried to be as controlling as possible. It was like walking on eggshells most of the time when I was at home.

Now, I am an independent person, and somewhat of an introvert, and pretty confident in myself. 5 months ago, after finding out about yet another affair, I finally had enough and filed for divorce. I went through 3 months of hell, and you will too. Sorry, there is no way around it, as the grief stages will all have to gone through. I bargained with deities, I lived in the past, I questioned everything. My best memory of our marriage was a trip we took to Mexico, and I still get massive twinges of regret every time I see an airplane. This sucks, because I work at an airport.

I questioned everything about myself and the relationship. What could I have done to fix this?

The answer is: nothing. Once she cheated, she destroyed the whole fabric and foundation of your relationship. Her immediate and selfish need for gratification eclipsed any consideration for trust in the relationship, and for her to change? May as well ask her to climb Mt. Everest without gear. She is crying because she has nothing, and is scared to death of being by herself. I'm sorry, this is NOT your problem. The guilt is normal, because you are a well adjusted human with compassion. Just don't lose your dignity

My stbxw was counting in financial help from half our assets, but they aren't going to be available to her until the process is over. She is already getting scared and complaining. It is difficult to ignore her. But she wanted this. She wanted her POS AP. He can help her. And you better believe she has already tried to guilt me into giving her money (above child support), "because the kids are gonna lose their home if I can't pay rent"

No. They won't. Because I have had to completely rework my life, and I made finances a priority. So I still have a roof, and they will not lose their home.

You are experiencing significant loss. Grief counseling helps, talking to others of us here or in other support groups helps. You aren't alone, even though you have to experience the journey by yourself. Stay strong, heal yourself. It absolutely gets better with time

Medium_Message_224 · 2024-08-27T13:42:41+00:00

As you stated, you know she is still manipulating you. You need to focus on that. The tears, the apologies, are all tools she is using to tug at your natural instincts to provide and protect. They are very strong with you, but you need to strengthen another core instinct. Eat or be eaten. Trust me, in a few years when the emotions die down, you will realize how toxic the situation is and be thankful. You will also teach her a lesson that manipulation doesn’t always work and being honest and straightforward is the only way to a solid relationship. Tough love brother.

Boomhower113 · 2024-08-27T13:40:38+00:00

I’d been miserable in my marriage for an over a decade when my wife filed. For whatever reason, I was still devastated. No fucking clue why. So, you are not odd for mourning.

You’re going to miss the life you had, not the person. You’ll get over this.

Good_Phone6760 · 2024-08-27T10:49:56+00:00

Definitely I know what the divorce I’m going through right now I’ve never seen anything so cruel the children I love so much for being alienated and what not but all I could recommend is next time everyone get a bike gang instead lawyer

probebeta · 2024-08-26T20:15:22+00:00

Let me make this a bit more graphic. She banged another dude while she was with you. If she's done this once she's likely going to do it again and likely did this several times.

I'm no therapist to see if you can work this out but I don't tolerate cheating. Not because I'm a fanatic but because that's sets a precedence where she can treat you like trash and walk away with half your stuff and maybe your kids too if you have a small argument. Think about what this means and rip the bandaid. People need to be accountable, sorry.

shuffler33 · 2024-08-26T13:41:22+00:00

No kids??? Stop paying for her fucking rent then. End this madness.

Several-Eagle4141 · 2024-08-26T13:12:35+00:00

You aren’t alone. But you aren’t craving her. You just hate your current situation more so that “any port in a storm” applies.

Brilliant_Lime_3105 · 2024-08-26T10:09:28+00:00

I understand you because I was the AP... I honestly think that you were plan B. If the friend didn't want anything serious, but at the same time in your story you have told us that she has not had an affair.

I believe that trust is something that is earned with actions, but since she is afraid of losing you because she knows that without you it is worthless, she has tried to tame you to her liking but you have refused to do so and that is why she has become frustrated.

I think that for you to leave with a clear conscience you should do a polygraph on her and ask her everything you need, but I feel that she didn't leave you because the other person simply didn't want her.

I'm telling you from my own experience... I was my current wife's AP but I couldn't live with the guilt of becoming what my mother was so I decided to break up with her in a healthy way and everything was normal... until After a year I come back from work and see that silhouette smiling with those braces that made her so uncomfortable waiting for me... bads mad what to say

She chose me, leaving her comfortable life and family to start over so this is the question.

A woman IS WILLING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING for the man she loves and your wife's ap was not that man, that is you

I sincerely hope that you find peace and if you really don't trust her and she doesn't want to leave you should act "like the bad guy" so that she leaves and hates you for the rest of her life but thanks to that you will gain your freedom and she of necessity it must advance

west-rain-shadow · 2024-08-26T07:39:50+00:00

Something I’ve tried:

Get a notebook. Write down all the nastiness she put you through, the things that made you leave. The things that you would never tolerate in any future partner.

Don’t look at it. Put it away. But when you’re missing her most, when you’re thinking “maybe I should go back, remember the good times” - get it out and review it. Remember why you left.

Your brain forgets the bad stuff first. It’s painful to remember, and human beings tend to avoid pain. It’s also part of the healing process. But pain can serve a valuable purpose. Don’t touch the hot grill. Don’t tease an angry dog. Don’t go back to a situation where you (presumably, this is all from your perspective) put the best foot forward you knew how, like any honorable man would. For your commitment and love you got dishonesty and abuse in return.

Remember.

Internal-Wolverine13 · 2024-08-26T06:36:20+00:00

Dude she has completely disrespected you. The only reason she shows any remorse now is because she's experiencing consequences, and as soon as those consequences are removed (by you coming back) it's just a matter of time before she goes right back to being a horrible wife. Gaslighting. Manipulation. These are not the actions of anyone who loves and respects you. End this now before there are kids involved and a much worse situation is on your hands.

Benzon22s · 2024-08-26T06:20:52+00:00

My ex did the same and I ended up offering more alimony, and the house …for nothing as today I can’t even step into the house I left her as she guilt trip me that I would have to be ok with her and the kids living in the ghetto of o didn’t, now she brings her new man to sleeping in the house I left her, FK the guilt trip

MR-Ozmidnight · 2024-08-26T05:57:31+00:00

It's not unusual to experience a whirlwind of emotions during such a time. It's particularly challenging to discover that your wife is cheating. I recommend seeking legal advice and researching strategies such as "the 180" and the concept of "Grey Rocking."Additionally, I suggest reading "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life." These resources can be found online. Now, if kids are involved, When co-parenting, use court-approved apps for communication and coordination, as the information stored on these apps is admissible in court.

To take care of yourself, consider regular exercise as a way to keep your mind off the divorce. It's also essential to avoid alcohol. Surround yourself with friends and family for support. If you have evidence of your wife being involved in a physical or emotional affair, consider sharing this information with her parents and friends to protect yourself. In this, there are just some simple things that can help, I think you're doing the hard work, you just need some support, and I'm sure you will get it here.

Remember, you are not alone in this. Lean on your friends and know that others have gone through similar experiences. It's an arduous journey, but taking it one day at a time will help. You seem well-prepared to handle this, so best of luck, although I believe you won't need it.

Regular-Bat-4449 · 2024-08-26T05:51:04+00:00

Getting over a failed relationship takes time. For some, it can be months, others years.

If you've lost the love, you will only be miserable trying to stay together. Don't let her manipulate you.

Puzzleheaded-Yam1718 · 2024-08-26T05:42:38+00:00

Feel guilty for a while. Feel horrible for a while. It feels like walking through flames. But keep walking. Look at the next sunrise. Then the next one. Then the next. Be around people while you feel like hell. Don’t have to talk, just be. Keep moving forward.

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