Hard time fully trusting women

sewerbeauty · 2024-09-08T23:42:26+00:00

This sounds like self sabotage & if you continue you will ruin your relationship. You’re hurting her feelings & punishing her for your insecurities. She’s with you. She’s been with you for 7 months & has been 100% loyal. What exactly is spurring on these thoughts?

If this is something you can’t get over you should save her some time & heartache & just end the relationship. Treating her as if she is guilty or will inevitably cheat is unfair & unkind. Most people will not put up with this kind of treatment - it isn’t sustainable.

Justwannaread3 · 2024-09-09T00:21:06+00:00

Would you leave your girlfriend on a whim if a “better” woman came knocking?

xvszero · 2024-09-09T02:01:12+00:00

You're right, there is a chance of another man.

There is a chance you get cancer.

There is a chance you get hit by a bus.

Nothing is guaranteed. The secret isn't to try to get a guarantee which you can never get. It's learning to live more in the moment and not worry about potential tragedies.

pinkpugita · 2024-09-09T00:53:44+00:00

This is like thinking every man you meet is a serial killer waiting to kidnap you. Yes, we have to accept there's a very small chance that there's a nutjob out there that will hurt you. But then, will you ruin your relationship with 99.99% of the human race because of something out of our control?

bluehorserunning · 2024-09-09T03:13:31+00:00

There is the chance of another guy, and you are taking a risk- and, of course, so is she. There’s always the chance of another woman, too. That’s part of why there is so much drama - music, books, movies, plays, etc- about romance, and have been since music and drama and books were a thing. We’re all vulnerable, and we’re all a little bit afraid.

Men and women both vary from individual to individual in how naturally monogamous they are. The key for happy relationships isn’t necessarily for everyone to be monogamous- and I say that as someone who is naturally very monogamous- but for monogamous people to be with other monogamous people, and poly people to be with other poly people. When I was initially dating my husband, I specifically asked and made it specifically clear that I was not looking for a poly relationship. It’s ok to ask.

PracticalControl2179 · 2024-09-09T01:58:30+00:00

Has she done anything to make you worried? If so, then break up. If not, then proceed. Everyone has the power to hurt and cheat in a relationship. There is no 100% guarantee that someone won’t cheat. Getting to know someone while dating will help you determine if there are red flags or behavioral patterns that may indicate cheating. But you also are making yourself vulnerable and that’s just a risk to take with love and relationships.

DecisionPlastic9740 · 2024-09-09T01:18:58+00:00

It doesn't benefit you to worry about it. It won't change anything. Just enjoy it as long as it lasts.

SilverTango · 2024-09-09T01:40:39+00:00

Well, duh. Love is a gamble no matter the situation. That's the thing about love. Real love is only formed with vulnerability.

meleyys · 2024-09-09T03:36:32+00:00

Think of it this way: If she does cheat on you, will worrying about it in advance make it any less painful? Probably not. Worrying just means you suffer the pain of her cheating twice--once in your head and once in reality. Easier said than done, of course, but try to put it out of your mind.

Exis007 · 2024-09-09T12:22:45+00:00

There is a chance of another guy and it will always be that way. The same applies to her. You could cheat on her at any time. This never goes away. And outside of cheating, there are a thousand and one other petty betrayals you two could commit against each other. That's the cost of being in a relationship. You have to take that risk.

I think what your brain is trying to communicate is that you could get really hurt if you trust someone and if you're really vulnerable with someone. And you could. That's true. There's nothing I can say to make it less true. But there are lots of ways of getting hurt. You could be alone forever without a long-term relationship, that's painful. You could get dumped because constantly distrusting your girlfriend makes her rightfully bounce. What always comes to mind when I see people struggle with this is that they are just afraid of pain. And that makes sense, no one likes pain. But pain is a part of life. Learning to accept pain and risk and uncertainty is how you live the fullest adult life. There's no having without the fear of losing. There's no trusting without the fear of betrayal. Good things happening usually mean you're signing up for some degree of pain or at least risking the possibility. And it's not like not having good things saves you from pain, because being lonely, being without, being isolated, and feeling like you have to keep chasing happiness that's ever out of reach is also painful. The point is that there's pain everywhere and it's inescapable and that's not like, dooming you to a bad life.

Because for the most part, bad things happen and then they get better. Things hurt, and then the hurting stops. You heal and you move on. Pain is inevitable, but it is also temporary and tolerable and a part of life that you have to move through. I ask this because I find it to be a common denominator, but do you trust yourself to do that process? I find people who are above-average obsessed with bad outcomes sometimes don't trust themselves to heal and move on after a bad experience. Because that's something you can work on in the mean time.

The thing about this choice is that you're in the good part. You're in the part that's really wonderful, which is a new relationship chock full of NRE and joy. And instead of being here for the good part, you're in your head fearing the possible pain. You're asking the unanswerable question which is how to make sure it's always good and it never hurts, which can't be done. Even if you two are together forever, this is your future wife, and you have nothing but good years ahead of you there will still be hard times, one of you will still die first, the furnace will go out in the darkest winter, etc. etc. etc. So a good chunk of this is the mindfulness to be here, in the good times, and not in your head trying to predict the next catastrophe to protect yourself. A huge chunk of this is just acceptance that bad things WILL happen, but that it'll still be okay and you can weather it. And that's not trusting other people. That's trusting yourself to be able to tolerate a bad experience and heal and move on.

MenikerInu · 2024-09-09T10:33:38+00:00

Go to a psychologist as you are projecting what you are, if you don't trust yourself being faithful you can't trust others...now you need to work on the reasons why you don't trust yourself?

kingpinkatya · 2024-09-09T02:41:01+00:00

Are you in therapy?

SweelFor- · 2024-09-09T11:27:57+00:00

Type "psychology in seattle jealousy" on Youtube, and listen to the video at least 5 times.

AutomatShop · 2024-09-09T06:44:56+00:00

Intuitively, you should trust her more if you aren't trusting her enough, and less if you are overtrusting. So how much should she be trusted? Since we don't know, we can't say.

It's difficult to understand what you are not trusting her about specifically, and what behavior you are then exerting.

It may be you have issues with compulsive thoughts, ruminating along unproductive pathways.

So how would she know you don't trust her? Did you say "I don't trust you?" No, you likely objected to her attending some event / activity. Was it going to the bank, or a yoga class, or a stranger complimenting her? Then you have a problem.

If it is her getting drunk alone with ex-boyfriends... then you have a problem.

pyrotechnic-looter · 2024-09-09T20:40:05+00:00

Have you ever had these trust issues with other girls? Or just her….Were the other girls feelings also hurt by the suspicion or not? Do you have any issues trusting non-women as well? What if she broke things off just to break things off…. Without having any new guy in place? Would that also be tragic to you? Or would that kind of loss be acceptable even after your investment in the relationship, so long as there’s no other guy causing the leaving?

Bc you know…. A woman could also leave just to leave. An alternate guy is often the culprit, sure… but people sometimes just quit relationships to quit the relationship.

I mean it’s all risky. So is leaving the house.

Take a walk in the sunshine? A bird could duke on your head. Then you’re screwed for the day. Right?

ATWATW3X · 2024-09-09T22:59:50+00:00

You are worthy and deserve to be loved. Period. Even if she cheated it would not make that untrue or all women untrustworthy. That behavior would fall squarely on her.

You’ve already began to combat this behavior by questioning it. I would continue down that path by asking yourself, what is that part of you trying to protect you from? Can you realistically handle it? And what exactly do you need to feel secure in a loving relationship? No shame in that. We all get hurt, but don’t stay there. Embrace it and live the life you want to live, free of fear.

jiggleofexistence · 2024-09-10T19:43:12+00:00

Life is full of chances that something will go wrong.

Agreeable-Pick5966 · 2024-09-20T05:24:45+00:00

https://www.wired.com/2009/05/suspiciousguys/

Sagecerulli · 2025-01-21T10:38:43+00:00

I'm in a monogamous relationship, but I've never really been able to understand this fear. Where does it come from? What really are you afraid of? What would be so awful if she was unfaithful?

I ask not because people should be unfaithful, but because I think sometimes the way that men view this issue makes it seem like they think of women as property. Or like pets that will run away the second the leash comes off. Which is I think how RedPill works -- it essentially tells you that your woman can't be trusted, that you need to control her, that the second you stop controlling her she'll run off with some other man. It's meant to keep you paranoid, and frankly to keep you from having meaningful connections.

But have you ever asked yourself: if she caught feelings. If she maybe drank too much wine and had a one night stand. What exactly do you find so disturbing about it? Disturbing enough that you're worrying about it when there are absolutely no signs of it? What nerve is it hitting for you?

Again, I might just be oblivious to how 99% of the world feels. And if my partner were unfaithful, I think I'd be really hurt. But I guess the little voice in my mind wonders: would he really be violating anything more than a social convention? Sure, he'd be breaking a promise -- going back on an agreement we'd reached -- but would that really be an insurmountable problem?

Also, its definitely possible for people to have attractions and just not act on them. That's kind of how monogamy works.

malelivesmatter2 · 2024-09-09T01:28:48+00:00

Try seeing a therapist. Explain to your girlfriend why you’re having these thoughts. If you’ve had bad experiences let her know that be open with her

hostility_kitty · 2024-09-09T19:28:41+00:00

Very toxic mindset. I know all the comments are telling you to get help. But tbh if you get better and she does end up cheating anyway, you’ll be fucked bro.

pyrotechnic-looter · 2024-09-09T20:23:15+00:00

Maybe she is just playing the “hurt feelings card” to try to blame shift it back on you… make you drop your vigil so she can get away with some deed? Seen it played that way more than once.

Mysterious_Pickle_78 · 2024-09-09T00:24:07+00:00

You are not secure because you don't have any backup plan in case she leaves you. rightfully, your gut feeling is making you anxious. Trust your gut instinct. So how do you switch from anxious to secure? Girls in general have tons of backup plans. just make an insta and watch the DMs flow, so they are generally more secure.

Learn game, cold approach or online dating and go to gym and be attractive.

this will give you abundance so you can chill out next to her and if she leaves you. Meh you will find another one, lol.

Title	Hard time fully trusting women
Author	EnvironmentFar112
Upvotes	12
Comments	59
Date	September 8, 2024 11:31 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/1fcbhmq/hard_time_fully_trusting_women/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/hard-time-fully-trusting-women.1529859 https://theredarchive.com/post/1529859

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