How do you get the courage to leave when it's bad, but not that bad?

Klutzy_Fig9274 · 2024-12-20T12:24:38+00:00

Finally getting divorced after 25 years. Should have done it 10 years ago, but I stayed for the kids and for whatever hope I kept finding when we were not fighting about stuff. The only reason to stay is if you both go to marriage counselling. If she does not agree, then that's your answer. If she does, then that therapy will determine how you both should proceed.

No-Exit6560 · 2024-12-14T12:24:37+00:00

One day you’re going to die permanently and you don’t know when that day will come. Might be six weeks, might be sixty years.

Right now you’re dying a little every day, the answer is pretty obvious man.

Dust_barrels27 · 2024-12-13T06:17:29+00:00

The worst idea ever

Unusual_University14 · 2024-12-12T22:32:49+00:00

Similar dynamic. About 10 years in, I essentially both gave up on her ever really being a wife, friend, or partner and a gave up waiting for her to be ok with me living my life. So from about year 10 to the divorce in year 20, I firewalled my life. I traveled the world for work and am the top of my field so most of my social circle was there. Real talk, professional conferences are networking and social outlets. It's the masturbation of the business world.

I stopped talking to her and stopped taking her seriously. I was there to be a father to the kids and make sure everyone was provided for.

I was ok with the fact that my now ex was a dependent and nothing more and just lived life around it. The kids loved me and things were livable.

The pandemic hit and it wrecked that dynamic.

I filed when I caught her planning to do the silver bullet and that was the uncrossable line. Without that, I am not sure I would have filed and certainly with the power of retrospect as it's been VERY hard on the kids and exactly the kind of divorce you are saying you fear.

I don't regret filing and honestly, me personally is doing pretty damn good. I've since remarried and have a new baby. Making more money than I ever had been before. The ex causes drama constantly and 2 years post decree I'm in court every month. When asked by my lawyer and others how I deal with it, I simply say: Being married to her for 20 years has left me well-equipped to deal with her occasional nonsense now.

Option A: Try to find a way to make it livable until the youngest is 18. If she does have a personality disorder the fights over the kids will be the worst and not stop (and honestly they don't stop once they are 18, its just that court is no longer involved).

Option B: Figure out what state your in, what "the deal" is there, and if you can live with that. UNLESS she is abusing the kids, it's not likely you'll get better even if she's got a personality disorder and the bar is REAL high to force her to get evaluated to get that diagnosis if she doesn't already have it.

Make no mistake, you are choosing between the impact on your kids (and if that can be managed) and money. You may be in a state that with 15 years in you could be looking at lifetime alimony.

In the meantime, focus on your kids and building a great relationship with them. Be their rock. Once they get to teen years, there isn't much building to be done. When and if divorce is filed, the status quo is locked in. Part of that is the state of your relationship with your kids. If you don't have to file tomorrow, you can spend your effort earning their trust that you are doing what's best for them no matter what so if divorce is filed someday, they know you are in their corner and have their backs. You can't build that after filing, it has to be there by the time the paper hits the courthouse door.

NewDay0110 · 2024-12-12T21:40:56+00:00

Imagine where you would be in 10-15 years from now, both scenarios. Ask yourself which path you'd rather choose. If you split now, what would be the impact on your kids? If you divorce later, what would be the financial impacts vs divorce now? (answer: the state penalties increase over time and you lose the value of time you could have been investing in yourself or otherwise)

Prize-Feed-3691 · 2024-12-12T21:25:17+00:00

OP, really feel you on this. Indeed, my marriage lacks emotional intimacy, my wife can be mean and cruel, she has overtly double standards and is proud of it, and she is lazy and selfish. I work full time and still do most of the cooking and cleaning. What I don’t do myself, I pay for as the sole income earner when she hires cleaners.

But my marriage lacks the back breaker. To my knowledge, she hasn’t cheated. She hasn’t threatened to kill me.

I had a window about 6 years ago. For a host of reasons, I could no longer believe in our common religion (Mormonism), though I continue to live its standards. I tried for years to talk about it with her, and she refused to listen to me while I died inside. When she finally heard me, she threatened to divorce me nearly every day for 6 months. It was emotional terrorism. After feeling broken, depressed, and alone with it, I finally hit a place where I responded with, “fine, then leave. Get on with your divorce”.

We decided to do therapy as a last ditch effort, and she has since medicated. It hasn’t fixed anything. But it has softened the edges of her worst outbursts. Instead of things being 9 out of 10 unbearable, they are 6 out of 10 unbearable. But the devices threats have stopped. She finally figured out that it’s unlikely for her to find another man willing to provide, cook, and clean for her.

The thing is, I like cooking and cleaning and am fine working. I just want a partner, someone who is also helping. And if I don’t have that, I’d like someone who can at least be emotional and intellectual companionship. But my wife is none of that.

But she isn’t cheating, using drugs, or an overt danger to me or our kids. Sooooo, do I leave, or just remain to wallow in it?

Too_old_3456 · 2024-12-12T19:35:21+00:00

Don’t know, I waited until I broke. Then I was the asshole who up and left and no one seems to care about the 12 years of manipulation, abuse, disrespect and disloyalty I had to endure.

Moms_Sketti88 · 2024-12-12T18:58:45+00:00

I was in the same boat and navigating the bowels of divorce. I’ll PM you.

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2024-12-12T18:56:29+00:00

but not that bad?

After reading your post.... it sounds that bad, imo.

Her treatment of you is likely due to her thinking you'll never end it.

I say it all the time here: If you're thinking of this, see some attorneys (she does not need to know) so you know how things play out with custody, division of assets, and support. Have the knowledge first. And then keep it to yourself IF you file -any telling her how 'things are going to go' with divorce wont go well for you. 1. she will thinks its bs and 2. let someone else give her the bad news because if you do she will resent you for it and try and make you pay. You're gonna take a beating financially but if you come to peace with that, it makes it easier.

get a therapist
don't drink
if you file, don't leave your home
separate your income

engineered-chemistry · 2024-12-12T18:20:14+00:00

Kids are tougher than you think. I have a 10,8 and 3 year old. I thought the same. Sometimes I second guess myself still (separated for 9months now). I have never felt closer to my kids than solo parenting them 50% of the time. The first month was rough but they adapted quickly and now enjoy having “two homes”. I also really appreciate the time I have to myself to do whatever I want and not have to answer to anyone. If I want to sit in my underwear and play video games all Saturday that I don’t have my kids then shit on it, I am. My house is clean and stays clean. The kids pick up their own mess and are held accountable for their actions. I miss the familiarity and stability we had at times, we were very well off and really I’m still OK. Dating is fun but also painful at 42. I have the most fun with late 20s and early 30s ladies looking for a good time 😂

Life is too short to live it miserable. Can you find hobbies or outlets to enjoy the next 10 years till your kids are in college? Also keep in mind your children model relationships after the one they’ve seen the most. You and your wife! Think about what you are teaching them unintentionally.

Title	How do you get the courage to leave when it's bad, but not that bad?
Author	Automatic_Fox3966
Upvotes	11
Comments	34
Date	December 12, 2024 6:01 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1hcr284/how_do_you_get_the_courage_to_leave_when_its_bad/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-do-you-get-the-courage-to-leave-when-its-bad.1538318 https://theredarchive.com/post/1538318

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