Ex-Wife didn't show up for our son's school Christmas party... Again

IceDue123 · 2024-12-22T14:32:35+00:00

My ex moved out (thank god) right before my youngest graduated high school. Ex attended graduation but left shortly afterwards, and ex also skipped a bunch of HS events including band awards banquet where my daughter got a huge award. Over the next six months ex spent probably 2 hours with my kids. Which made things easier emotionally for me but I felt really bad for my kids cuz their Mom was MIA (I think ex was in Europe with AP, now BF. Ex was keeping that a secret from kids to preserve the “We got together after the divorce” . I never told the kids because what’s the point?)

Ex sees the kids about twice a month now for dinners but that’s pretty much it. Ex doesn’t support my kids at all (they’re in college). All financial and logistical support is from me. My kids and I vacation (Hawaii, Taiwan, Japan, California.) My kids and I eat dinner together everyday when they’re home from school and also watch Netflix together. The level of disconnect of my ex is still shocking to me because ex was fairly involved as a parent for over 20 years, but ex’s behavior pretty much mirrors the way her mother treated her so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.

I’m a pretty competitive person so I always wanted the be the best parent, but I pretty much got it by default.

New_Kangaroo9490 · 2024-12-22T01:45:46+00:00

If you are already divorced, I am so sorry. If you are in the process. Of finalizing the divorce. I am sorry for your kid. Because he deserves better but you can use it to your advantage. My STBX is fighting me for 50/50 custody for the kids. However, I told him about our son's Xmas concert and Xmas party and put it in his calendar. He didn't go to either of them. He chose not to. He also almost didn't go to our daughters bday party. I made him go. My lawyer told me not to fight it. Journal it. No judge will grant him. What he wants because he is not even trying.

FactLeading8378 · 2024-12-20T19:53:50+00:00

Lucky. I can't get my ex to stop showing up despite having moved hours away from us.

dfb54749014 · 2024-12-20T03:31:20+00:00

Similar but different situation tonight for me. I'll make it as short as possible.

Son had Holiday concert tonight he's both in choir and band. Daughter had sports practice tonight. Concert started at 6, sports started at 6:30. Told Ex I was going to concert and could take son. Nope she got other parents to take him. Ok said I could drive son home. Nope she would take him home.

She never came in to see him perform even though my daughter's practice gym is literally 2 minutes away. Yes she would have been late but no, she never came in to see him. She sat in the parking lot and waited for him.

I offered my son again to drive him home. At that time I just thought she never showed up. But he told me she texted him and was waiting outside. I offered to walk him out but we both decided to just let it go.

Way to co-parent honey!

JTKTTU82 · 2024-12-20T02:08:13+00:00

Sounds like ex is a narc. I just filed on my narc and see this behavior as typical narcissism. As others have said don’t rag on her to your son. Believe me, he knows his dad’s there for him. Keep showing up, proving you are the stand up man you are. Make him your #1, earn it. Tell the lad he has a loving uncle out there who would dearly love to go to his parties, band performances, everything. I’ve several nieces/nephews and no kids. They know and tell me all the time I’m their favorite uncle.

findinghumanity17 · 2024-12-19T22:54:31+00:00

Honestly, I blame people like OP. You know your Ex. You knew her when you dated. You knew here when you got married. You are the one that helped that person create a child, just to mistreat them. Just like they mistreated you, for most likely a very long time. People who ignore the red flags create situations like this. Not trying to just tare you down Op. too many people marry and have kids with people they should not. Most people do it. Its fucked up.

Poor friggin kid.

Pick better humans with better values before you make children suffer to your poor picks. This shit aint Fantasy football. These failures fuck kids up for life.

Competitive-Donut790 · 2024-12-19T21:47:50+00:00

Similar situation as well.

One of my kids is in band. Ex acts as it it's the end of the world to come and support him. Missed 90% of the band season: Friday night football games every week, competitions several times per month and basketball games several times per week during that season.

Understand his pain bcz my mom wasn't supportive when I played sports I'm high school. Kid was so hurt he almost quit. I hate seeing this.

Puzzleheaded_War922 · 2024-12-19T20:41:13+00:00

Similar situation. My ex is not much of a mom ... by my standards.

She does the hollywood invites ("we should do lunch one day") and never follows through. She missed his birthday two years ago. I tried to talk to her. I told her she should really have a more specific thing in mind. She should say, "Let's do lunch on Sunday". And she went ballistic.

Since then, I stay out of it. My son and my ex are going to land on SOME relationship. And this relationship is up to them, but outside of my sphere of influence. I offer support if he wants to talk about it. But I really try not to highlight it or use it to paint her as a villain. They're just unlikely to have a what I'd call a traditional relationship.

It's not worth the extra brain cycles. I think making sure your son feels support from any source is really key.

crzapy · 2024-12-19T19:51:23+00:00

That sounds like a win for you. Your son is learning a hard lesson. That sucks but way to be a good dad.

RedRibbon3KS · 2024-12-19T19:36:58+00:00

The main thing is that YOU showed up. You cannot control what your ex does or did. Yes, it sucks for your son what she did and is doing but what your son will know and remember is that you were there. One piece of advice is not to talk badly about your ex to your son. I understand that it was not explicitly spoken and you want to help your kid process his feelings but at this point it is better to avoid it. Maybe get a therapist for your son to process it. But by asking those things, it is an indirect way of putting her down and lifting you up. And your kid knows that. Maybe he may not know it in a way he could express it, but he knows it. Honestly, I would be happy not having to deal with my ex in the same room. Sometimes I get my wish as she shows up maybe 50-75% of the time. Just remember, your son is the main priority, stop being distracted by your ex

Formal_You6846 · 2024-12-19T19:19:49+00:00

From OP: The best summary I've ever heard, which candidly is something that I think many of us have dealt with with our exes, is that she likes everything about being a mother except being a mother.

She's always happy to show up if there is something that will reflect on her, but otherwise she has no interest.

bind91324 · 2024-12-19T19:15:14+00:00

I don’t know the circumstances of the divorce but it appears that your ex not only has distanced herself from you but also her son.

Unusual_University14 · 2024-12-19T18:53:40+00:00

Yeah, nothing prepares you for the feelings when you see how the divorce impacts the kids especially when other parents doesn't do what they're supposed to do

ofbdcb36 · 2024-12-19T18:48:35+00:00

Yeah I mean other than maybe texting her how much it would mean to her son, you can’t do too much. I say just continue to show up for your son and give him the attention/care/time you can provide him.

_SpeedWolf_ · 2024-12-19T18:34:28+00:00

That’s rough. I feel this one. You can only control what you can control. The fact that you were present and there for him is all that really matters. Just work on being a top tier dad and all else is inconsequential. She’ll either straighten up and realize her faults, or she won’t. That just means you have more opportunities to be that foundation for him.

BahamaDon · 2024-12-19T18:31:46+00:00

You should be thankful that you get time alone with your son and not have to deal with her. Of course it is very sad for the son but it will make him closer to you in the long run.

Title	Ex-Wife didn't show up for our son's school Christmas party... Again
Author	Formal_You6846
Upvotes	35
Comments	21
Date	December 19, 2024 6:24 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1hhzfjk/exwife_didnt_show_up_for_our_sons_school/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/ex-wife-didnt-show-up-for-our-sons-school.1538983 https://theredarchive.com/post/1538983

Comments