Dating post-divorce

Par_then_Bar · 2024-12-31T18:34:46+00:00

You’ll never be happy with anyone if you’re not happy with yourself. Happiness comes from within brother. Therapy. Church. Gym. No dating for a little while. That’s my advice. Good luck and enjoy your new lease on life

NorthBoy_9012 · 2024-12-31T15:04:30+00:00

You need to get into therapy, for several months, no exceptions. You need ton”know thyself” before continuing your serial dating behavior. You need to find peace, and contentment within yourself. Examine your personal family history with a professional. You also need to stop blaming anyone else outside of you, and slowly take 100% responsibility, and eventually great care in all you do. Stop, slow down, examine, listen. Get help to become a new man you are proud of. You’ll thank yourself. I DO very much pray for you my friend.

THX1138-22 · 2024-12-31T14:42:11+00:00

I’d also recommend the MensWork book by Conor Beaton along with Dr Shawn Smiths books. If you read them and do the homework, you will be much better off. Therapists help, but so much of psychology is anti-male (“the problem with men is that they should be more like women…”) that it is hard to find a therapist who isn’t woke because they are afraid of being cancelled.

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2024-12-31T14:13:23+00:00

You definitely should not be dating right now.

You have to learn how to self validate. Just remember a relationship does not provide happiness, happiness is something you bring to the relationship. Same goes for love, you bring love, you cannot get it from a partner. If you do not love yourself and cannot enjoy your own company it will set you back in life in a big way.

I see no mention of gym. That is mandatory for a man. Talk therapy can help, but iron therapy is a must. Man was created for physical labor. Your divorce opened the door on the lion cage, time to leave that cage and realize your full potential. Getting big, strong and ripped will go a long way to finally feeling comfortable in your own skin.

I'd also work toward getting 50/50 with your kids. You know first hand what happens to kids whose father is not around much and it is not pretty. Have a conversation with your co-parent in a calm and amicable fashion. Lay down that groundwork.

What you do have going for you is realizing a committed relationship is a loss of your freedom. Stay single if you can. Have fun with women when you are in a good place but do not commit and do not give yourself away again. You have your kids, you have your freedom, you are all set my man.

ExaminationKlutzy194 · 2024-12-31T11:26:13+00:00

Read the tactical guide to women and gatekeeper. Both by Shawn smith. He’s a psychologist. Do some of the writing exercises suggested and think out your strengths and weaknesses. It will help you be more confident as to your path, and recognize that not all female relationships are healthy. It helped me pass on one already.

IndependenceCheap646 · 2024-12-31T06:46:56+00:00

Yeah that doesn’t seem to be the issue for me, really….I think a lot of people accept that once you hit your mid-30s where I am, it sort of comes with the territory of dating.

ImportantRecipe3087 · 2024-12-31T05:49:41+00:00

I’m working on this too. You don’t need external validation from anyone especially from a woman/romantic partner. That’s just a story which for whatever reason you like tell to yourself. Perhaps you can’t make it go away but try to remind yourself that it’s just something your mind tells you which doesn’t make it true. We can all give this advice to someone else but I do appreciate it’s not easy to change your own stories. I’d also say get more hobbies but not because you want to avoid feeling lonely - do them because they make you happy and if they don’t, stop and do something else. Feeling lonely at times, even frequently, is part of being human. Good luck on your journey.

ashtag916 · 2024-12-31T04:49:08+00:00

Manual sportscar and you won’t need anything else. -sorry lol but I’ve had your headspace post husband passing… not wanting anyone else and being able to do whatever I want. Including cross country road trips in car alone with music and the windows rolled down with no one saying to roll them up or turn it down ! 😆🤣 manual.

Haunting_Mango_408 · 2024-12-31T03:32:31+00:00

Work on your attachment style with a therapist. It’s a fluid state IF you decide to tackle it and understand yourself better.

Yeah, you probably shouldn’t date right now, unless you happened to find one person willing to go through your process along with you.

Dangerous_Item_6879 · 2024-12-31T03:07:44+00:00

Most women won’t date a post-divorce guy until he has been divorced for at least a year.

stent00 · 2024-12-31T02:18:29+00:00

i used to be like OP. im 9 years out now and single and dont need validation from women one bit. i did lots of dating and most was utter ttrash. had a few short term GF and now realize i dont like my headspace when im in a relationship. and im old enoigh thsat no woman is going to change me. OP you just need more hobbies to occupy your time and youll be ok. i took up motorcycling and its a great hobby!

NotUsedUsernameYet · 2024-12-31T01:24:43+00:00

Therapy. Dating shouldn’t be a validation mechanism. Also prioritize spending time with your children that you decided to bring into this world first.

Gattsama · 2024-12-31T01:24:26+00:00

For what it's worth here is some general advise:

You need to work on being fit: physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit, and financially fit (in that order). I know people beat this almost to death but the physical really makes a difference. Physically fit means more than just working out, it's also about having a good diet, personal hygiene, dress, grooming, brushing your teeth/hair, seeing the doctor, dentist, not smoking / drinking / doing drugs, etc. It's a healthy lifestyle.

Working out helps with depression equal or more than SSRI's. Plus the routine breeds discipline, and discipline is one of the required keys to a successful life. The goal is lifestyle, I personally recommend calisthenics as they are free and can be done anywhere. A jump rope is also inexpensive. Walking is free. Running you need to invest in good shoes (eg Brooks = $150-175).

Emotional might require the help of others. As you posted above, you are constantly seeking external validation. You can not find external solutions to internal problems. Consider this, a lot of guys lack a mission. A reason to get out of bed and attack the world. They have stuff they lack (gaming, working out, friends, sports, etc) but they don't have a mission. The lack of a mission often leads to feelings of boredom and desire to be with other people (or unhealthy choices). A lot of guys find a woman, because she will fill up all that extra 'down time' :) Then they make the woman or the family their mission. But this doesn't work long term, because now if something happens to her your world might fall apart. Fear of making her angry, of her leaving, of her being unhappy, etc.

You need to do the work to figure out what your mission is? Why you look to externals for validation? What your issues are and face them? Do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you? This is why physical often goes first, because you need discipline to work out your emotional issues.

Mental also includes spiritual, but manly is mental health. Financial means being financially literate, making good financial choices, getting debt free, investing / saving, setting up passive income streams. You need to know your mission first, or money is really hard to manage. Some people just save as much as possible, but have no end goal. If you know you mission (or missions) then you can plan your finances. The goal is financial freedom.

Financial freedom means you are able to live your lifestyle of choice. Money is a tool that allows you to live that life. When your passive income equals your lifestyle of choice you are retired (whatever retired means to you, it means you don't have to work to live your lifestyle of choice; it's up to you). Once your passive income is greater than your lifestyle of choice you are wealthy. You can be wealthy at $5k/mo or $20k/mo it depends on your lifestyle of choice.

The goal is find out what makes you content, satisfied, and fulfilled; then work to create that life. Notice I didn't say happy :) Happy is a short term transient emotion; it's the result of living a content / satisfied / fulfilled life that is mission; NOT the goal itself. It's a byproduct of living a fit life.

Notice that externals and women don't make the list. Not because they should not be a part of your life, they just shouldn't be a part of your mission. If you are fit, you don't have to worry about women, they will show up. They are everywhere, and while good ones are rare, if you are fit you qualify for a good one and she will be much more willing to get on your program. But in the end, you will be surprised at how much you just don't care anymore :)

Title	Dating post-divorce
Author	IndependenceCheap646
Upvotes	11
Comments	24
Date	December 31, 2024 12:59 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1hq2p6m/dating_postdivorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/dating-post-divorce.1539976 https://theredarchive.com/post/1539976

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