I need a pick me up!

Ok-Guidance6491 · 2025-04-23T17:59:43+00:00

I divorced about 18 months ago. I keep reading the same story on this subgroup. (My story is very similar to yours). I am finally starting to put all the pieces together. I would HIGHLY recommend listening to Michelle Langley (Women’s Infidelity). Dr. Glover is decent but he is a little hypocritical. He is right about covert contracts (which is essentially a feminine trait men have picked up in the last few decades).
Going forward there are a few things men and women will have to learn.

What codependency is? Making someone/ something else responsible for your emotions. The nature of addiction.

The shadow side of the masculine: overt aggression, dominance, violence, pride/anger, status seeking. The shadow side of the feminine: covert aggression, deception, reputation management, submission, shame.

The fact that most relationships don’t evolve past the powers struggle stage. Most people can’t transcend dominance/submission.

The fact that women are sexual creatures too, and even they have been taught to deny it or feel shame. When they feel shame, they blame the men because they deflect and blame shift. The cycle of elation and shame is in essence addiction. Only way out is accountability and acceptance. The same goes for men.

Betterbythedaycoach · 2025-04-23T17:44:54+00:00

Take pride in all the good you’ve done. Take pride in the fact that you treated someone so well and worked so hard even though you were disrespected and things weren’t reciprocated. Don’t worry about her life and how she appears to be living. I promise you someone like that is not happy and unless they really change things about themselves, they never will be.

Most importantly learn from your mistakes. Don’t let someone disrespect you like that. The cheating/affair was where she crossed the line. Most often, that’s where things are permanently broken no matter what you do. Some couples can grow past that but not many.

Realize that you deserve better and she did you a huge favor. Don’t settle for less than you know you deserve going forward. In the meantime, make yourself happy. Focus on the kids. Do anything that makes you smile and laugh. Do anything that betters your mind, body, and soul.

Congratulations on ridding yourself of that toxic person!

Exotic-Belt-6847 · 2025-04-23T11:40:44+00:00

Very much like my experience. There is someone out there who will show you genuine affection and care and the rest will melt away when you are with them. Focus on self care for now and try and remember that these people are broken inside.

master_of_nothing987 · 2025-04-23T04:34:31+00:00

That hit pretty close for me. Feel very abused for years. I couldn’t take it anymore. I finally started getting tired of it and fought back, a little too verbally aggressive. Fell apart emotionally and now I’m the villain. The horrible person. All the years of her poor treatment of me are apparently irrelevant. I’m sorry you’re facing this. It’s just awful.

huggsnkisses · 2025-04-23T03:31:50+00:00

Here's one from me, time heals everything. Once you get away from her the healing begins and do not look back narcissistic people are the most manipulative heartless people out there and she will "hoover" just to play you like a cat does with a ball of yarn.

Keep it to emails and never have sex with her again once it's over.

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2025-04-22T23:34:05+00:00

You can't negotiate attraction. Women do not care whatsoever what you do for them or what you buy them. They only care about how you make them feel.

Going forward when you date you need to vet women. If they are not into you move on to the next one, do not try and win their approval or buy their love or you'll end up on divorce number 2.

Reflog1791 · 2025-04-22T23:08:16+00:00

Go to gym and get buff. Update wardrobe and get a fancy new hairstyle. It’ll get your self confidence and self respect back. Women will start checking you out and trying to get a shot at the champ.

Spend the next three months getting buff and everything in your life will improve dramatically. Your boss will even give you a raise it’s crazy.

Top-Worker4497 · 2025-04-22T22:25:28+00:00

This sounds just like my situation and i feel stuck. I’m glad that you have been able to get out and start to move on. I hope i have the courage to do so soon. I don’t make a ton of money and that’s what really scares me. My wife will be totally fine though. Born with a silver spoon.

Peace_and_Love40 · 2025-04-22T21:45:46+00:00

Wow your first paragraph sounded extremely familiar.

I started reading a divorce for men book which also nailed many of my feelings. My situation is tough bc I’m lonely. I have few friends no local family. And I’m not exactly George Clooney so making friends and meeting women is difficult. You sound like have a lot going for you so I would think that the longer you are away from your ex the easier it will be to move on emotionally.

Personally I have zero expectations or desire to reunite with mine. She always has been in my opinion “suspect” as far as her being a good human. Like you I overlooked and justified signs. Anyway, I’m def ready to move on even if it means being alone.

EzekielKnobrott · 2025-04-22T21:43:22+00:00

Covert narc survivor after 11 years of being belittled and treated like garbage with scraps of affection here and there to keep me satiated. Almost identical circumstances to yours.

Gym, work, parent. That's my life now.

And I absolutely love it. No grief, no nagging, no arguing or fighting. Just peace.

ZealousidealFarm3954 · 2025-04-22T20:41:31+00:00

Notice your own perspective which both desires and rejects her. Work on understanding your why there

Slowloris81 · 2025-04-22T20:26:42+00:00

Rediscover yourself and let her go. You cannot be ambivalent about wanting to separate from her while also wanting to “give her a hug.”

Be resolute, take the actions you need to take, depend on and trust in yourself, and your confidence will return.

Unsainted_smoke · 2025-04-22T19:51:23+00:00

You have to remember who you were before you met her. Also, it’s not a competition to who has the best life so try to wish her the best of luck.and let her be happy. It’s only going to make you bitter and that does no one any good

Boglehead101 · 2025-04-22T19:21:43+00:00

Yep, victim here of a covert Narc and her toxic family. No infidelity that I know of but nothing would surprise me. Never any affection, rationed sex, financially abused and the silent treatments.

I recently brought up the verbal abuse, the excessive spending while contributing nothing to household expenses and the denial of affection / sex. She couldn’t handle it and flew into a rage.

The very next week she said she wanted a divorce. That was the middle of January, she has been septic since and is now not speaking to me whatsoever. Spending all her time incessantly cleaning or in her sisters or mothers. She’s consulted with lawyers and won’t attend counselling. Covert Narcs are impossible to deal with, devoid of the ability to reason, rationalise, admit when they’re wrong, apologise or accept blame.

BornBandicoot2515 · 2025-04-22T19:12:18+00:00

I’m sorry you are going through this my man. Frankly it does sound like this is a great move for you. Hard to see through the fog right now (we are in very similar boats - feel free to see my history) but you are strong. You will preserve. You will be a great father and provider. You will find someone else to love you and you will find happiness, fulfillment and joy.

It’s a process. The STBX is not the same person. This is good bc you don’t need to pine after her bc it’s not the person you once shared a life with.

You must stay busy. Work out, etc. be good to yourself. Don’t drink or do drugs. Read. Be there for the kids. Be social and lean on your support team. Seek therapy.

Know that one day this too will pass. And life will be better.

ImportantRecipe3087 · 2025-04-22T19:08:03+00:00

The trouble is we men will often sacrifice our needs indefinitely whereas women will start looking for the exit and put up with it only until the right moment comes along to leave. What you, me and plenty of others on here should have done was raise the fact our needs weren’t being met early as gently and compassionately as possible and if things didn’t improve, do what most women would do and start planning your exit strategy (not letting on that’s what you’re doing of course). The only problem is you were willing to stay in a shitty relationship- just don’t do that again but be open to let someone new fall in love with you and be open to giving them 100% back knowing you’re always entitled to walk away if it doesn’t work out.

Odd-Yoghurt1869 · 2025-04-22T18:49:48+00:00

Be strong bro. Start listening to Man empowering podcasts. You can start doing this today and start feeling better now.

You are not the first nor are you alone in this. Be strong my friend.

Sdos2345 · 2025-04-22T18:32:27+00:00

Forget about her and move on. You deserve better. You have it better without her in your life bringing you down.

Title	I need a pick me up!
Author	CustardChemical8436
Upvotes	15
Comments	30
Date	April 22, 2025 6:12 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1k5d8wq/i_need_a_pick_me_up/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-need-a-pick-me-up.1550322 https://theredarchive.com/post/1550322

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