The hatred is palpable

First-Sail8421 · 2025-07-19T21:05:20+00:00

yes, welcome to an unpleasant club. She may be committing adultery, it can bring out those deep feelings of contempt. Or maybe she is projecting her own insecurities and inability to take accountability for her own flaws and missteps on you. Either way, the hatred is real and hot.

Confident-Crawdad · 2025-07-13T03:24:00+00:00

Yep.

It's been one disappointing mindfuck after another.

We meet in person to do a thing, we get along great. We laugh and joke like we always have.

She goes back to her place and in a two days I'm evil incarnate.

hazalo9 · 2025-07-12T23:39:49+00:00

Yup. They don't know how to handle it amicably so they invent a hatred and blame you for everything. Just get to the point where you realize it's not your problem anymore and you don't care what she thinks. It will be uncomfortable living with her that way but you have no other option. Make the best of it.

Reddit_P2E_Seeker · 2025-07-12T21:56:55+00:00

Yup. My ex was diagnosed with breast cancer 6 months after our 2nd was born (2 under 2). I raised them, kept a clean home, enriched their lives, cared for her, cooked. All while working full time. When she was doing what everyone here was mentioning (distancing and cold shoulder), she mentioned that, during chemo, she felt like a checklist item instead of my wife and has held it against me. That and not being supportive of her becoming a co-breadwinner 7 years prior to the split.

And now she talks at me via talking to our toddlers if we ever see each other, else it's 1) "the kids are being bad by doing XYZ", followed by 2) me empathizing, indicating if I see it, and committing to talk to them (since that listen to me more and behave better) and 3) being left on Read.

I'm the villain now but it doesn't bother me. I'm living such a fulfilling life now. In my eyes, it's a court mandated babysitter (albeit expensive). To me, it's the longest journey to the best kids ever. I know I should want more time with them, but 50% lets me bring my A-game those 50%s.

Helpful-Paramedic463 · 2025-07-12T16:45:34+00:00

Ya when I found my wife's affair she did this. Isolated herself in her room. She was embarrassed and just being a miserable bitch. Talked non stop on the phone with her AP. She's out of the house since April thank god.

rsmiley77 · 2025-07-12T15:02:57+00:00

Yep. I’m around 10 years past you but this was my life. A couple of things…

her anger is misplaced. Her anger comes from not being herself where she thought she’d be. She is realizing that in her own opinion her best days are past her. She imagined herself a princess by now. Living in the biggest house. When she goes on social media and sees others traveling the world she’s thinks ‘that should be me.’ She now needs to feel excitement again in her life. You and your family are the opposite of that.
if she’s not actively cheating on you right now she will be soon. She’s trying. She needs someone to make her feel wanted and not like this is how she will die. Oddly they often times find comfort in loser guys (or women). Your stbx is partially correct. She isn’t as tight and perky as she was and never will be again. If they have a redeeming quality it’s their personality, humor, or attention to detail along with their hopefully successful careers. Of course if they had any of this you wouldn’t be where you are.
you need to protect yourself. Cameras EVERYWHERE. Well in the public parts of the home. Any discussions steer them I. Front of the cameras and have the feed sent directly to ‘the cloud’.
if you haven’t already find a good lawyer
she may not have filed yet but she’s been planning this out for years. You are behind when it comes to who is prepared. My now ex for years before the divorce was moving her credit over to accounts with my name on them. This debt is eventually shared but not evenly and until the final decision comes down you’re responsible for it.
finally make sure all of your accounts are only in your name. Double check everything. She has a plan on where to get money from involving places you haven’t thought of that your name is on.

chiboulevards · 2025-07-12T14:09:31+00:00

I have sensed this feeling nearly every time I interact with my kid's mom. When she finally agreed to allow me to meet my daughter's step dad, she sat next to him and was giving me this awful scowl the entire time. It was like how dare I want to interact with and meet the person who is living with my child? It's the same when I show up for doctors and dentist appointments — it's almost like she can't even bring herself to be tolerant of my presence, much less being cordial. It's about control for her. Again, it goes back to control: these are people who would prefer to divide and conquer and to make you feel weak and insignificant and want you — and everyone in their circle — to understand that.

As another commenter mentioned, it's about dehumanizing you to a degree that they can justify their bad behavior in their mind. There's no way you could cause sustained harm and stress to someone if you had any empathy or compassion for them. The sheer seething hatred is so difficult to understand though. I'll never understand how someone can win, get everything they wanted, and still resent you to such a degree that it's disturbing. And same with no alcohol, abuse or affairs. The only thing I can think of is that you (and me, and others in this situation) are simply the embodiment — and perpetual reminder — of their failed relationship and they will always resent you for the fact that you even exist. Maybe they believe that if they behave in a toxic enough manner that you'll just go away for good and they can finally forget about their failed relationship.

1millionBURNINGsuns · 2025-07-12T12:25:58+00:00

Excellent work, keep doing you. They REALLY don’t know what to do when we stand our ground and don’t leave the house or kids. This resolve flies in the face of everything their dumb consultants and friends told them would happen and it makes them furious. It’ll be over soon enough - keep it up.

ApprehensiveSpare925 · 2025-07-12T11:56:29+00:00

Why are you waiting for her to file? Get a lawyer and file already.

MonkeyBranchBuster · 2025-07-12T10:49:50+00:00

This is my stbxw now 24/7, it's over. Sadly having to coparent with her and she's making my time with the kids harder than it should be. Like, you wanted the divorce, I'm ok with it, and I'm normal and friendly, why can't you just be normal too. You don't have to jump from joy when you see me, but damn it, cool it with the cold hatred already. Who the fuck knows what's going on in those lunatic minds.

warwww · 2025-07-12T09:24:34+00:00

It’s how they can justify what they are doing or what they are about to do.

Human nature 101. Before you destroy something, be it a memory even you must first hate or dehumanize it.

Look at cheaters for example… they often resent and hate their spouse before they go ahead and cheat - see how bad he was to me, I had no choice but to get bent over and screwed by another man.

Best you can do is pretend as if she doesn’t exist while everything works out.

What helped me immensely was a pair of AirPods.

Content-Class1259 · 2025-07-12T08:54:08+00:00

Isn’t it funny how well they remember things from the distant past, and have the knack of throwing it up when convenient!

crager34 · 2025-07-13T00:01:26+00:00

Document, document, document (if needed). Always keep an even keel.

Title	The hatred is palpable
Author	Boglehead101
Upvotes	36
Comments	33
Date	July 12, 2025 8:33 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1lxvjks/the_hatred_is_palpable/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/the-hatred-is-palpable.1556949 https://theredarchive.com/post/1556949

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