Dead Bedroom & Divorce Looming

Top_One_5072 · 2025-01-20T01:36:54+00:00

You are not responsible for your thoughts, only your actions. You can either put an Apple Tag in the wheel well of her car, or you can get over it and take her out and stay at a nice hotel nearby. If she is a stay at home mom, your screwed if you take the divorce route.

SnooGadgets555 · 2025-01-19T11:00:27+00:00

It sounds like you're dealing with deep emotional disconnection. The lack of intimacy could stem from unmet needs or unresolved issues. An open conversation and possibly couples counseling might help address the underlying feelings and rebuild trust.

apibo · 2025-01-18T13:36:46+00:00

For the life of me I’ll never understand why men get married. There is no shortage of stories about men screwed in divorce. And you actually thought you would be the exception. That bitch played u like an accordion.

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2025-01-18T07:41:04+00:00

Marriage without sex, if sex is important to you, is like having a house without a bathroom. I don’t care how beautiful the house is I wouldn’t want to live there.

Are you fulfilling her needs. Do you provide and protect? If you didn’t would she put up with that? You have valid needs also.

Vows include not only “forsaking all others” but also “to have and to hold”.

bigtallblacknbald · 2025-01-17T21:12:42+00:00

Have you talked to her about this? Have you talked together with a professional about this? Worth trying those things before just stewing in resentment

DivorceCharacter512 · 2025-01-17T20:15:39+00:00

You know... if there was one piece of advice I could have given myself before I got divorced... it would have been to treat my marriage like I was about to get divorced 3 years before it happened, because I knew it was coming but wouldnt accept it. Be the nicest guy you can and expect nothing from her. Even pay her less attention and see if that reignites the spark. But start prepping that battlefield...

Prep your money, retirement assets, and desired custody agreement. If she's the detached type who doesn't know how the sausage is made... It's even easier. Move funds around in a way that makes it look like they were spent on living. Maybe take a sabbatical from work or go part-time to lower income for when alimony is calculated. Take out a second mortgage and spend that money. The debts are hers, too.

Based on what you've posted, assuming it's true, she won't be thinking about your needs when the time comes to split the assets and debts or calculate alimony and child support. I was direct, honest, and fair with my ex until the day we split only to be treated the exact opposite. Frankly, if the choice is to ambush or be ambushed, I know where I'd like to be when the time comes.

NohoTwoPointOh · 2025-01-17T17:39:12+00:00

Your turn has ended.

New_suite · 2025-01-17T17:20:20+00:00

Brandi love is a big claim

Dull_Description_710 · 2025-01-17T15:50:00+00:00

You got this bro. Big days ahead for you. Some dark, and probably many, and darker than you can expect. And some bright ones, and probably many, and brighter than you thought. Coming up on a year divorced, and 3 years separated. It's not all about sex, but I think I had sex with my girlfriend more in 1 year than 10 years of marriage. She is more affectionate and physically loving than more wife ever was, even in our 20s. Stay hydrated and healthy, go for it

throwawaytradesman2 · 2025-01-17T15:48:59+00:00

Essentially your wife as decided that you are no longer to have any intimacy and affection for the rest of your life. This may drive you to become unfaithful (which I don't endorse), or just leave her.

She's not being fair to you, so you need to be fair to yourself.

Melynthos1492 · 2025-01-17T11:44:21+00:00

She doesn’t care, she just needed a good provider. Check out and then head somewhere warm and meet some nice ladies 20 years younger

aquatic-dreams · 2025-01-17T07:10:23+00:00

Have you thought she might have ADHD? Which would mean she lives life with a lower level of dopamine. So she is more apt to feel depressed and like shit when most people would feel average. And as a result, she would lean into impulsiveness as a way to combat that. Seriously, take her to the doctor. For people with ADHD, meds aren't a cure all, but meds like Adderall and Vyvanse can help a tremendous amount with impulsiveness, anxiety, and depression. Please have her talk to her doctor. I found out at 48, and immediately after taking meds I was dumbfounded that I didn't know until then.

She has lost her respect for you. Which causes her to lose her physical attraction as well.

And with that loss of respect comes a lot of frustration. And things that wouldn't have bothered her before do. And the more she thinks about them the more they bother her.

And then cognitive bias kicks in. Brains don't give a shit if things are true or not. They are lazy and they repeat the same shit. And with each repetition, new neural pathways are created to make repeating that thought even easier. Which also makes the attached emotions stronger. It's how grudges grow and, why over time, you get crazier and crazier and it becomes harder and harder to let go of the grudge. That's what is going on.

And with cognitive bias, her brain is proving her right whether or not what she thinks is bullshit or not. So it ends up being true to her regardless. The thing is, all of our brains do the same shit.

But that growing lack of respect is the underlying cause of the resentment and the withdrawal.

She is probably venting to her friends, who are trying to cheer her up by telling her she doesn't need a man.... But all that venting, in her head, her journal, and to her friends, just keeps those negative those repeating and growing. And that's ultimately what causes a shitload of divorces. Cognitive bias, which leads to a lack of communication. Her brain is proving to her that you don't listen, are selfish, pathetic... whatever. So she is communicating worse and worse, but doesn't see it. So she is dancing around things and making hints, and her brain is high fiving itself because that will prove that she is right, you don't listen, are selfish...

But what the fuck? Exactly. That's where marriage counseling comes into play. With a trusted and respected third party, her cognitive bias has a good chance of being disrupted. Because now it's not just about proving you wrong, there's another party and she thinks she can trust them. So her brain is trying to prove that she can trust the marriage counselor and at the same time trying to prove she can't trust you. It's why marriage counseling doesn't work a lot of the time. By the time couples get here, it's too late. She has emotionally disconnected too far and has convinced herself he is so much worse then he is, that she really has no way to return.

So what the fuck? Well, stop doing things that she finds unattractive. And start living your life for you, in a way that gains her respect.

What did you used to do and how did you used to carry yourself when you were dating, having fun, and things were great? Compare that to what you do these days. What things changed for the better? What things changed for the worse? And what things did you not think about until right now, and you're going, 'shit, I haven't done that in ages!' So do it.

And as you gain her respect, she will become attracted again. And if nothing else, while your updating your life and growing, other woman will start to find you attractive and you will start to enjoy life like you did years ago. The only thing that changed, you stopped doing a lot of the things you love and that make you happy, you shouldn't have.

Don't give her advice unless it's asked for, so don't be like me with this post.

Listen to her, ask open ended questions... It's really important to women to feel heard and understood, it's a huge part of emotional connection.

Don't be a nice guy. Don't preserve the peace. Don't ask what she thinks all the time. Make decisions without her input regularly. Stand up for yourself, your interests, your boundaries. Part of being a man is taking the lead, so lead more.

How is your social circle? Call old friends, join meetups, take an art class or something... If you don't have a life outside of work that has nothing to do with your wife, you need to work on that. She can come. But it's your life, and you are going to do this either way.

What is your purpose?

What are you working towards?

How are you growing?

Live your life for you first. You can't take care of anyone else, unless you take care of yourself.

If you missed being touched, get a regular massage.

Defend your boundaries, if she is being passive aggressive, or mean, she is testing you as a man. And as a man you need to calmly defend yourself. If you don't she will think less of you, and keep testing in shittier and shittier ways.

Let her know that you are there for her and then give her space while you work on creating the life you want for you. It will either regain her respect, or if things totally fall apart you'll start your divorce on step 40, instead of 1. And really that's what is truly important. Your happiness. Your growth and your life. So live it for you. Not in fear of what she or anyone else might do.

Think of your ideal self. And then every day make the smallest fucking change to become that person you can. And just keep doing it every day.

She will notice. And it could very well help you two reconnect. I certainly hope so. But regardless of how your marriage turns out, your life will change for the better.

Poppopnamename · 2025-01-17T06:54:30+00:00

Hey brother, I was in a dead bedroom for three years. It’s honestly super easy for you to make excuses all day long about why she isn’t taking your needs into consideration. She’s busy, stressed, hormones, she’s reading spicy novels, or whatever. The truth is she’s not concerned enough about how you feel to motivate her to address the issue.

I didn’t make out with my wife for three years. There’s all sorts of things about how women going on and off birth control and influence how they see their partners. Or how if she doesn’t trust you for what ever reason she feels then she won’t be sexually available to you. Or her head could be filled with a bunch of BS from romantic books. You need to draw a line for yourself. Set realistic expectations and communicate them to her. Give her the chance to show you she’s willing to work towards a solution. If and when she says no then you need to stand your ground.

Disclaimer: I never had kids with my ex. We were married for 9 and together for 17 years. I wanted to start a family. The problem is you need to have sex to do that.

You are still young and deserve a partner who will work with you to find a solution. Not just expect you to deal with the consequences of their problems. Take a look in the mirror and have some self respect. Please brother! You deserve it.

Faceater25 · 2025-01-17T05:09:16+00:00

No man. Women have a greater libido than men. I purposely checked my wife’s dms and lo and behold there was all the energy she kept away from me.

leegiovanni · 2025-01-17T04:12:33+00:00

She’s 50. She might have had meopause and lost her sex drive.

It might not be always cheating.

I’m not saying it’s not a problem, but at 50 it’s not uncommon to have one sex’s drive fall off a cliff, especially for women.

TraditionalHour7561 · 2025-01-17T03:39:49+00:00

Women love to quote the “foresaking all others” part of the wedding vows. It also states “to have and to hold”. Withholding sex long term is almost as bad as cheating. She needs to see a doctor or own up to her part in it.

NDWTEEYTD_23 · 2025-01-17T02:47:58+00:00

Has divorce been discussed? Have the 2 of you sought counseling? At this time in her life, it could be hormones or just a midlife thing. Or a million other things that you may or may not be willing to work through with her. And I’m sure we can both agree that you’re not the perfect partner. 3 years dead bedroom doesn’t mean she’s unfaithful, but it does mean there’s a lot of room for another man if she were ever tempted. Listen man divorce really sucks. You’ll get through it eventually and may ultimately become very happy, but it will suck to get there. My advice is seek therapy and run through the NMMNG exercises as your own form of therapy. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/59f7b9b5bce17667e3aae3a3/t/5dc73d96f7335b2142df0831/1573338519671/No-More-Mr.-Nice-Guy-Breaking-Free-Exercises.pdf

Glittering-Spell-446 · 2025-01-17T02:35:10+00:00

You got me at brandi love😂

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2025-01-17T02:34:55+00:00

Hire a PI to tail her and get proof. Seems like a lot of projecting from her side.

borogove_1510 · 2025-01-17T02:32:52+00:00

She’s gay

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2025-01-17T14:36:34+00:00

"Despite me showing interest in her, being a great father to our children and more or less sole breadwinner there’s zero respect or interest in me or my life."

Yeah women don't care about any of those things mate. In fact alot of those traits are a turn off for most women. You are probably a really predictable and boring guy who has stagnated as far as progression mentally, spiritually and physically. Same routines, not enough separate time apart doing your own thing, no women friends of your own so she feels that natural competitive drive for your attention. She knows she has you whipped and sees herself above you. No polarity or leadership whatsoever for her to look up to or to chase. It is always you coming on to her (in her mind she should be lesser than you but you have her above you).

20 years is a good run. Most marriages end after 5-7 years. It sounds to me from the lack of physical touch she has been checked out for a very long time. Almost impossible to get a woman to turn that switch on for you again once it has been turned off.

My advice start living your life for yourself. Why? If you divorce you will be doing that anyway. And it may get her attraction back for you. Stop showing interest in her. Not likely to work it sounds way too far gone but you may be the one in a thousand that it works. Either way you will need to reconnect with your masculinity to be able to thrive again so may as well make those changes now.

Title	Dead Bedroom & Divorce Looming
Author	Boglehead101
Upvotes	48
Comments	38
Date	January 17, 2025 2:29 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1i367jh/dead_bedroom_divorce_looming/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/dead-bedroom-divorce-looming.1541132 https://theredarchive.com/post/1541132

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