Boys, I need a pep talk

pumpkin-king777 · 2025-11-24T04:14:20+00:00

I feel you on so much of this, man. I just got 50/50 of my kiddos after a long separation. But your question of how to cope with losing your best friend is real! Ugh. I read a ton of books and two that really helped were: “The World’s Best Dad During and After Divorce.” And, “Dad’s Daily Digest During Divorce.”

81Ack5mith · 2025-11-23T16:13:01+00:00

you can't negotiate desire. everyone is responsible of their own choices. her telling you that she's not in love with you, mentioning divorce are some actions that needs a reaction. Convincing her into staying in marriage is not gonna worth it. You slowly start to become a "furniture" in home. You are giving this message: I'm a man who can not leave this marriage whatever you do or say. Which will eventually end up disrespecting you in every way.

Some choices are not between good and bad. This one is between bad and worse. I know it sucks to break up from a loved one, but the decision is to protect yourself. Marriage is about balance and you can't stay on the same side of the seesaw. Don't try to get into her head and figure out whats going on there. Look at words and actions, stay bold and make your own decisions. It's not a war and accepting breakup is not a defeat. Wish you the best!

Cperkins405 · 2025-11-23T14:14:52+00:00

Yes she will go off and find a man and eventually when those butterflies fade for him she will be regretting it and wanting you back. The grass is never greener on the other side. It's been 5 years since divorce for me. I got a girlfriend that I've been with for 4 years. She's the best girlfriend and partner I've ever had. However, the big problem for the relationship is I will never marry again. I have a mortgage and if I ever say "I do" again then I have nothing to leave for my kids after a divorce number 2. In fact the same thing would happen if it actually works between me and a would be future wife. My next wife's kids would more likely inherit our house after her death. I don't plan on living with a woman again. I am still doing the shared custody thing with my 2 kids. I am about to turn 50 so what is the point at this stage in life. I want all assets and savings to go to my children and not some new wife and her children. Love and marriage, having that lifelong marriage is a delusion. It's a Lie that we have all been sold. Like with Santa Claus, I just don't believe anymore.

Ok-Guidance6491 · 2025-11-22T17:21:53+00:00

ILYBINILWY - I’ve been told by a woman on Reddit that this is a comparison statement that indicates there is probably someone else. She knows she isn’t IN love with you because she has that feeling for someone else. I got the same from my ex wife during our divorce which she pushed for at lighting speed. This is usually because the other guy is single. If he seems uncertain in any way then she will likely just want a separation while she tests out the new relationship.

Probably cause(s): midlife crisis and MLC. It seems childbirth triggers permanent changes in hormones and life goals. Also it is a much different experience for women to face the aging process.

Also the current culture rewards rather than shames a woman initiating divorce. Remember when women used to complain that a husband would “trade them in for a newer model”. Well now they are doing it and applauding each other as they do.

Brutumfulm3n · 2025-11-22T00:38:26+00:00

Hey man, not sure if I can offer advice, but I'm not far from you. Just lost a marriage of 15 years, 20 together. We have 2 kids. I've been out and moved into a new place for a year, we split 50/50. I didn't hate her, but I don't care to talk to her. IMO I wanted a wife, not a co parent. My schedule is slammed between the kids and work. I squeeze in what gym time and other hobbies I can on my nights without the kids. Some days I'm on the up and up, distracted and having fun. Other days I'm living it up with the most one on one time I've had with my kids in years. Other days I'm completely disassociated. The house is wrong, meals don't make sense, not sure what the hell is going on or why. I just keep taking it day by day, hour by hour or minute by minute, whatever best suits the mood. Joining a bowling league really helped. I think the socializing really makes a difference

Ok-Cause1108 · 2025-11-21T14:39:47+00:00

When a woman says "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" the romantic relationship is over. There is nothing you can do to make her feel romantic love for you ever again. No amount of counselling can help once she has crossed that threshold.

Her divorcing you is the best thing for everyone in your family at this point. You deserve a loving partner, your wife deserves to spend her life with a man who knocks her socks off, and your children deserve parents who model what a loving relationship looks like so they attract healthy partners for themselves when they are older.

To cope you just have to go through it. It will be 2 years of hell, there is no way around that. It is what it is. But you will heal and you will go on to find a loving partner.

You are already ahead of the game by lifting regularly. The outcome for men who get divorced is night and day for men who lift versus those that don't. Do not stop.

Great job on cutting out alcohol. Alcohol brings nothing positive to your life.

At your age I would advise getting your bloods drawn and starting TRT. Late thirties your test will already be low. TRT will make lifting and life far more enjoyable. You have a long way ahead of you may as well live like you are 21 until the end.

Congrats on the kids. They are your ride or die. You have won at life. I know right now 50/50 sounds like you will lose so much time but you will be a far better parent having that time off. Being a single dad with an involved and amicable co-parent is utopia.

As for losing your best friend you will have to grieve that. Just know that an even better friend will come along in a few years. Meanwhile take this time to rebuild and learn to love your life being single. This season of singleness is so short and you will look back and always wish it lasted longer.

Odd-Zone-2635 · 2025-11-21T14:08:57+00:00

That is a hellish eight months, and the shock of losing your best friend is the hardest part of divorce. The intense emotional pain you're feeling right now is completely normal and necessary—it’s the grief process starting.

The phrase that should make you furious is, "I'm doing this for everyone." That is emotional deflection designed to make her feel better, not to give you clarity. Your anger is a healthy reaction to being handed a guilt trip instead of honesty.

You are already doing the right things (working out, cutting back on drinking). Your next step is to protect the energy you are building:

Grieve Separately: The marriage relationship is over, and your friendship must be, too. Continuing to treat her like your best friend (e.g., trying to process the divorce with her) will stop your grief and slow your recovery.
Protect the 50/50: You both want 50/50, which is good, but that arrangement will become the main battlefield for emotional conflict.

The fastest way to regain emotional control is to permanently separate the relationship with your ex-wife from the relationship with your co-parent.

This means you must shift all communication to a strategic, factual model. You can't let your pain—or her deflections—leak into your co-parenting emails. You need a system that ensures every single message is business-like, protects your 50/50 time, and shuts down any attempts to guilt or manipulate you.

If you are looking for ready-made scripts that maintain that clean, factual line and force the conversation to remain on logistics (which preserves your dignity and speeds up your recovery), I have a free guide with those exact templates. Send me a private message (DM) if you want the link.

SomeVeryTiredGuy · 2025-11-21T13:45:55+00:00

You've got to start getting mad. I don't mean bitter. Bitter won't help. I mean, don't romanticize your time together; remember the toxic shit she may have done to you.

dystinct · 2025-11-21T12:34:10+00:00

Move on, limit contact, find peace, and be happy. Some things aren't worth fighting for anymore.

Immediate-Story2562 · 2025-11-21T05:08:03+00:00

When she says divorce, believe it. Listen to me, the only chance you have for getting her back is by letting her go. No amount of begging or pleading or money or threats will change her mind.
Just say ok and let her go. No guarantees she will come back begging but without letting her go you dont stand a chance. Good luck!

capnjackstation · 2025-11-21T04:20:34+00:00

I hate to say it but “I love you but I’m not in love with you” 9 times out of 10 means there’s someone else. Don’t be plan B. Stop doing the pick me dance. Keep your dignity in tact. Sorry man. Been there. It gets better but it gets worse first. Stay strong.

upvotersfortruth · 2025-11-21T03:54:53+00:00

You’re good enough. You’re smart enough. And gosh darnit, people like you.

3403arrowhead · 2025-11-21T03:24:33+00:00

Sorry man. My situation is similar but won’t write paragraphs. Married 16 yrs and have 3 teenage kids. We both 44. The usual I’m not feeling it anymore wife initiated separation. Writing to say it took me about 12 months to feel pretty good again. Was a mess for 6 months, accepted and bitter for another 6. I’m now on month 17 or so. It blows but you’ll be good. It’s very stereotypical but going to the gym really does help

Bran_Solo · 2025-11-21T02:02:17+00:00

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I know how you feel.

I was... hysterically sad for a very long time. Friends were (rightfully so) doing wellness checks on me. I'm having kind of a bad day today but I keep reminding myself of how the sheer intensity of sadness was so overwhelming that I couldn't function, and how I'm doing relatively ok today. It does get better.

I got a lot of relief from long walks in the forest. I went hiking at a local state park a lot. Talking to people who've actually been through it helps too, let me know if you want to join a whatsapp support group.

koskesh122 · 2025-11-21T01:37:16+00:00

Well bud, join the club.

50% of all marriages end in divorce. 2nd marriages have 60% divorce rate and 3rd marriages 70% divorce rate.
90% of all divorces initiated by the women. • Child support, Alimony, your pension + retirement savings, government support + housing incentivizes them leaving you.
90% of custody awarded to mothers.
False allegations of abuse are prevalent in family courts. • You will be called abusive in order to stress you out so you give in to their unjust demands.

What to do now?

Settle your case ASAP. • The leeches (Judges, Lawyers, Therapists, Legal system will want to bleed you dry by leveraging your kids against you) The system gets paid by you fighting for you children.
Find a hobby.
Focus on your career/start a side hustle/Make more money.
Hit the gym daily.
Stay away from SINGLE moms at ALL costs and anyone who claims their ex was abusive. Do NOT raise another man’s child. You may end up being on the hook financially (Child support) for their kid if you leave.
Travel once a year.
Read books like No More Mr. nice guy
Open up the New Testament and start reading daily + listen to Charles Stanely on YouTube. • Learn to forgive your ex. This will set you emotionally and mentally free so you can begin enjoying life once again.

sphynx8888 · 2025-11-21T01:15:29+00:00

5 years from now would you rather be somewhere where you're loved, valued and respected or 5 years deeper in a hole trying to hold it together long enough for your kids to leave the house?

Which version of you do you want your kids to see?

stoicdad23 · 2025-11-21T01:04:35+00:00

damn dude… i’m sorry.

you don’t wanna be somewhere you aren’t loved. not good for anyone in long run.

Significant-Name-132 · 2025-11-21T00:57:24+00:00

Honestly. It seems like she's already checked out. I say that because the earlier you accept that you'll have to find new things to make you happy that do not relate to her. The better. Good luck warrior 🪖

Title	Boys, I need a pep talk
Author	CherryEuphoric3557
Upvotes	29
Comments	34
Date	November 21, 2025 12:53 AM UTC (8 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1p2knt5/boys_i_need_a_pep_talk/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/boys-i-need-a-pep-talk.1567023 https://theredarchive.com/post/1567023

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