What do I want from dating? Maybe sex, but I think positive reinforcement more.

Ok-Cause1108 · 2026-05-23T17:01:04+00:00

Tying your self worth to external validation is very unhealthy and extremely unattractive to women.

Learn how to validate yourself or your future relationships are all going to be transactional and doomed to fail.

Ok_Builder_3285 · 2026-05-23T16:09:47+00:00

I just want to have sex again, ever in my life. I haven’t touched a woman in any fashion in over 6.5 years. I’m pretty sure I never will again. I got divorced 5 years ago and haven’t been on a single date.

IchabodLives · 2026-05-23T15:54:56+00:00

We all feel this. I’m 47 divorced 12 years and only 1 date 11 years ago. Never in my life been asked out, given a number, approached in any way. I’m still in excellent shape and raising my son, so the no attention for this long makes me feel small and not worth much since I can’t even attract a conversation. Not being able to connect physically or emotionally for too long will turn you cold just beware

Candidate_Worldly · 2026-05-23T13:03:30+00:00

So similar to me. Never gave me a compliment, the few times she said something positive about me stick in my mind becuase they were so few and far between.

Now my self-esteen and self confidence aren't in the best place. I'm the same as you, I don't want to date, but I really miss intimacy and just having a female around. It's a fucking conundrum. I'm pissed off with myself for feeling like this after nearly two years since we separated.

I know I'm going to have to push myself and get out there. I really don't want to go on the apps. Was with my ex 26 years so totally clueless about them. I think I'll try organically out in the wild for a while, but having my daughter 50/50 really limits opportunities.

It's amazing the uncanny similairites so many of us have on here. If nothing else, it tells me that our ex's were definitely not unique!

Hippy667 · 2026-05-23T10:08:49+00:00

Post divorce, I believe I may have met "my person". What I've learned is that I clearly wasn't with the right person in my marriage, although I didn't really appreciate that in the thick of a 20 year marriage, with kids, mortgages, jobs, finances and putting the trash out every Sunday night. You just get on with it and assume that this is how life is - however miserable or just plain mundane things might have been. You accept. You plod along. And then one day everything blew up.

The thing is, I've changed. I realise now I am a better person, because the person I'm with today just "fits" me so well. We compliment each other, we have each other's backs, we care about each other, we laugh, we talk about everything and nothing, we hold hands, we are travelling and seeing the world together, we have an incredible physical connection and we share. I miss her when we don't see each other, and look forward to our next date. (And this is way beyond the honeymoon period by the way). All of that means the sex is incredible, and not because we're pulling the pornstar moves (my back isn't the best!), but because we're emotionally connected.

It is relatively early days (almost two years now) and maybe not living with each other is the secret, but that's probably another thread and conversation. But I can see us having a positive future together.

So many people (I really mean everyone in my life) has commented "my god, you're happy. You're smiling. Its so good to see you doing so well". I never was that upbeat positive person that I am now - in fact I had a reputation of being dour and unemotional, which I probably played up to so as not to acknowledge it. Deep down, I think I knew my marriage wasn't right and masked it by acting downbeat most of the time. It would be easy to focus on my wife cheating, but I accept that I was part of the ending of my marriage. The answer is at the bottom of a bottomless pit, but the simple truth is, we weren't right for each other. We were friends and parents who shared a home. Not much more than that.

My point is, you become the best version of yourself when you meet that right person. I'm 57, and I now know I am allowed to be the human being I was supposed to be. Its so strange, and such a revelation. My only sadness is I didn't meet this person when I was 30, but thems the breaks I guess.

I never had this level of validation from my wife, ever. Not even close. Then she absolutely broke my heart and destroyed me with her behaviour at the end of our marriage. In reality she did me the biggest favour.

I got lucky, and didn't have to kiss many frogs, but get out there and find your person. It really is the key to being happy. You step up for someone you want to step up for, and to have someone validate you and who you are is like nothing else.

Technical-Rhubarb-96 · 2026-05-23T06:03:03+00:00

I went looking for sex after my separation and found appreciation. I didn’t know I had missed it but getting those things back was so healing. My ex would barely react to positive events like a raise or bonus or even day to day stuff and having positivity after years of bitterness feels amazing.

What_I_Dun · 2026-05-23T03:35:14+00:00

Once, on one of our vacations, I was carrying a duffle bag over each shoulder and a suitcase in each hand up a flight of stairs in a bed and breakfast. As I'm ascending the stairs, a woman was at the top and stepped aside for me to make my way up. As I passed, she said to me, “You’re a strong man.”

It hadn't occurred to me that this was something a woman looked at with any sort of admiration. It was just something I did, something that many men likely do. We carry the heavy shit. But that one simple observation from some unknown woman was the first time I can ever remember feeling masculine about it. It made me realize how I never felt that way with my wife.

I started noticing it more and more as the years went on. Other women could compliment and/or admire my masculinity, but my wife could not. I could easily show admiration for her femininity. Not cooking and cleaning, but nurturing and nesting, making our house a home. But no matter what I built, fixed, or protected her from, I never got that simple recognition of “Thank you for being my man.”

That sucked.

WinchesterSPNLover · 2026-05-23T03:27:07+00:00

You’re not crazy at all! As a girl that’s friendly with a lot of older guys, married and divorced, it’s so easy to get them to light up by giving them the smallest compliment and just making them feel like they’re worthy of it.

It’s sad, really. (The situation, not them). It’s the absolute bare minimum but they’re still not used to it. That’s why I try to give out small compliments to men I see in a store or just out and about.

Beamformer · 2026-05-23T02:16:13+00:00

We all need to be wanted, or want to be needed...or both. My ex had worn down my self esteem, dating went a long way In re rebuilding confidence.

Frosty_Wrongdoer7256 · 2026-05-23T02:12:55+00:00

From where I stand I can’t imagine a scenario where I could trust or be vulnerable with another female.

InvertedPickleTaco · 2026-05-23T01:48:34+00:00

Yes, I miss the affirmation. Especially since I tried to chase the relationship that was gone for way too long. My ex couldn't give me a compliment for years. Even when I'd ask how I'd look, it had been over half a decade since I received more than a, "guys always look good without the effort a girl has to put in," comment.

whoopyboy69 · 2026-05-23T00:35:58+00:00

I’m sure most men feel this in their bones. For me sex with strangers is lame. Unless they’re reallllly hot. Which isn’t always the cards I’m dealt.

Title	What do I want from dating? Maybe sex, but I think positive reinforcement more.
Author	happyplace516
Upvotes	32
Comments	32
Date	May 23, 2026 12:24 AM UTC (1 month ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1tl0v70/what_do_i_want_from_dating_maybe_sex_but_i_think/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/what-do-i-want-from-dating-maybe-sex-but-i-think.1581002 https://theredarchive.com/post/1581002

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