707,481 posts

PI Update: I've hired a PI...

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February 16, 2018
12 upvotes

Gents, I'm trying to hold as much as I can. As in previous posts on here I was looking into getting a PI because the wife has been acting complete 180. I know its puke and vomit but being deployed does shit to you when the only thing is communication, but I want to verify so if it is true I can have my stuff in line when I get back.

Getting to it; things that have been red flags.

  1. The frequency of texts, used to get ton, now nothing, no pix etc.
  2. Missed our scheduled FaceTime two weeks in a row. I care more for the kid but didn't give a "We are busy right now" or any of that shit. I mentioned it to her and she did the "Oh yeah, my bad"
  3. V-Day - Fuck covert contracts but if you send nothing but two texts all day...thats noticeable.
  4. Lastly, she met up with a bunch of our friends for a playdate with my daughter. My friend sent me a message telling me my wife was acting different and on the phone most of the time. He mentioned he was getting a weird vibe.

It fucking sucks and is BP as hell but this gut feeling I have needs to be verified before I start sharpening the blade to kill the puppy and oneitis. Last time I felt this way it lasted 3 months and I am not going to do that to myself.

The PI has dealt with it before with deployed members and understands the issues as he was deployed multiple times during his wife.

Two things come out of it as he said: 1. She's cheating 2. She isn't. He stated he deals with the deployed in a different way as he knows how things can seem similar with other guys marriages. He did hint that since she has only a set window and little other time its good for us.

It does suck and again I am doing this to kill the false thoughts or verify them.

Anyways, on another note; lifted 4 days out of the week; rode 12 miles today, and starting to train for a triathlon as I always wanted to do one.


Post Information
Title PI Update: I've hired a PI...
Author broneilbro
Upvotes 12
Comments 55
Date 16 February 2018 06:37 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/204807
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/7y0urx/pi_update_ive_hired_a_pi/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
cheating
Comments

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret14 points15 points  (10 children) | Copy

My friend sent me a message telling me my wife was acting different and on the phone most of the time. He mentioned he was getting a weird vibe.

You don't need a PI, you have your answer right there. I'm sorry bro.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red13 points14 points  (2 children) | Copy

Yep. Buy this man a drink when you get back home.

[–]DanceMonkeeDanceRed Beret8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

Truth. OP, consider the possibility that your friend was feeling you out to see if you are receptive to hearing more disturbing news.

[–]broneilbro[S] 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

Yeah...that was what raised my eyebrow but he also hadn't seen her in a couple years but he is a trusty guy.

The main thing here is if it what it is and verified I am going to prepare myself so I can be the best father to my daughter and that is the focus/reasoning for it. I don't want to be blindsided like my multiple friends when they returned home and were in a funk for months afterwards.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy

Look man. Lets be blunt here and accept reality. Lets try to put in some work on improving your mental state.

You are currently deployed - correct?

Use this as an opportunity to work on forgetting about her. Stop obsessing, stop trying to talk, FT and everything. And yes, this includes the kid. The first 2 weeks will be hard. I have done it before, believe me. It fucking sucks. It gets easier as it goes on.

If you can use this time as an opportunity to build that space, it will not be as hard when you get back to the states, and the courts do it for you. You will have access to your kid 1 Wednesday a week and every other weekend.

Just start to mentally prepare for that (Negative Visualization) that way, if you come back and everything is great, then great! If not, well you are not coming back from one war zone, into another.

Your IDGAF will be well established, and you will have some power.

Right now, you are going to get off the boat and be crying and 100% in her frame. Come back hating the bitch, with an open mind.

Stop letting this woman control your thoughts and emotions from half a planet away. Yes, I know kids are involved. Yes, I know I am asking alot.

But dude, you have to do it.

[–]WhiteTrashKillerRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is gold! On my deployment distancing my emotions from a girl 2500 miles away was the toughest thing! When it happens, you'll know it, it'll click!

The best asset you have is time, food and weights. Even the most remote FOB's have a basic gym. Make yourself into a God! Expel her from your life!

WRITE YOUR CHILD EVERYDAY! TWICE!

What I mean is write a letter everyday in duplicate so you have a copy. Be everyone's everything! Be your STBXW's nothing, suck everything from her emotionally you can by being what she could ever want, but cannot have!

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I know. It fucking sucks, but we will see. If the PI finds anything then it's IDGAF hardcore, if they don't I'm still framing and working on myself to kill that BP traits.

It sucks, because as an officer I have seen and carried the impact when it happened to my men. Add the "red flags" from them it could be making me go Rambo but we will see.

As for the kid, I think she would do every other week as her parents were divorced and she stated she would have preferred that.

We will see gents and I'll make a COA upon what we find.

[–]GroundbreakingDevil2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

The point he's trying to make is that your stay plan and your leave plan should be the same, up until the point you start the legal proceedings.

&Nbsp;

Unfuck yourself, kill oneitis, and get out of her frame. The sandbox is the perfect place to start this process; you've got more important things to worry about right now, anyway.

[–]BobbyPeru1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yep, he’s subltly letting OP know.

He knows

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I wonder if his lawyer suggested this, or if he's just paying money for funsies

[–]hypergamous6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy

I don't understand why men who are married can not insist on a no password policy. Goes both ways, for both of you.

Why would you be in a relationship with another person, who lives in your home, raises your children, sleeps in your bed... But asking for no passwords ( or all shared passwords ) - is "too much"?

When I removed the puppy during my marriage - no Private Investigator was needed. She changed her password & Facebook access. Found a "new" phone she had been using.

Guess what - that was all the proof I needed. The truth trickled after papers where filed and accounts were closed.

You already know the answers - you just may not want to ask the question.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

Passwords? Meh

Code to the gun safe? That knowledge dies with me :)

[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Very wise man

[–]johneyapocalypse4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

You don't sound BP to me you sound both (1) right and (2) smart. Buddies have a nose for that, yours is on to something. Then again, the rest of it sounds bad, too. Stay strong wherever you are - probably much more on the line for you than her - so keep your head firmly on your shoulders.

[–]jshtx21174 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy

  • Idealize, Devalue, Discard;

  • She is in the Devalue stage,

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Hard but probably true.

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

That's the narsistic abuse cycle!

[–]jshtx21171 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

If the shoe fits ...

[–]amalgamator3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I want to hear from the dude that found the phone! Where is he?

[–]Two_kids_in_a_coat2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

It’s over. She already cheated, so for her to do it again is much easier. Focus on you right now. Assume it’s over.

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy

I think getting a PI is just you on hamster drive. Otherwise you’d be able to make a clear decision. What are you going to do when the PI provides similar partial corroboration? What about when he confirms she’s on the CC? If you don’t have a plan now, you need to get engaged. But I don’t think it matters if she is or isn’t doing something behind your back; you aren’t in a mental frame of mind to do anything about it. That needs to change.

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

That is the thing. I fought with myself on the mental frame but with the way it is I want to build my frame knowing what I'm building it for.

Two outcomes: nothing, or something.

How I build myself will be based of what transpires. I know that is not the answer but it is the action.

[–]BostonBrakeJob3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

How I build myself will be based of what transpires.

I hope this is just the feelz talking. No one here is gonna blame you for being mad right now. But this is not a good strategy to move forward. Take heed u/red_sfpplus 's comment. The stay plan is the same as the go plan, your current situation is a textbook example of why that saying is the gospel around here.

[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Amen.

OP, what you are doing building and framing yourself should be completely independent of her on every level.

The only thing that changes is whether she receives any time or attention from you.

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Wrong attitude brother. You still don’t get it. The PI can’t give you frame. You’ll still lack frame and then be a frameless fool making decisions. Stop. Think. Act.

[–]donedreadpirateRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I will build myself, for myself, to achieve a life of satisfaction where I am respected by those I allow into my life, and they add value worth allowing them into my life in the first place.

Think of it this way. Then it's OI. That said, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to know the truth so you can trim the fat asap.

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I have to say that is what it is. I've been thinking all day about it and I thought about calling it off but there is a nagging feeling that I had before that I ignored and it blew up in my face. The outcome is the outcome, how it affects me is what I have control over.

We facetimed yesterday and I could feel her pulling me into her frame. The issue I had with our convo is that it was House Management Inc. and none of that talk that that separated me from a roommate. I focused on our kid but at the same time it was just a different vibe. Somebody said if you devalue one thing, you are increasing value somewhere else.

I signed the contract and made the payment. I am going to keep my mind on other things like lifting and trying to build my lats because they are bitchy.

I appreciate the support and I'll let you guys know.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I think getting a PI is just you on hamster drive. Otherwise you’d be able to make a clear decision

Only agree to a point. We all own a hamster, sometimes you just have to feed it. Once feed, hamster can take a nap....

I think OP needs it to shore up his frame for now. Taking action in this case is much better than any form of waiting. Since waiting is not an option, and OP's frame is not iron yet, feed the hamster and move forward.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

If you have that feeling in your gut odds are you going to get kicked in the nuts.

Iv'e been there with a girl in college. You are never usually wrong ALTHOUGH i have had that feeling and it was false. The PI is prudent.

Your challenge is the main event this will cause. The path is still the same only you are shorting out all the dread levels in-between. Decide now how you want it to happen. Think through the options. You are a solider you know how to build a battle plan. This no different.

Be ready for her to plead, cry, do everything she can. Here's some advice, Deploy Ahoy, on prepping for divorce. Sadly you are deployed but maybe you have a buddy that can help state side.

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I know. It fucking sucks, but we will see. If the PI finds anything then it's IDGAF hardcore, if they don't I'm still framing and working on myself to kill that BP traits.

It sucks, because as an officer I have seen and carried the impact when it happened to my men. Add the "red flags" from them it could be making me go Rambo but we will see.

As for the kids, I think she would do every other week as her parents were divorced and she stated she would have preferred that.

We will see gents and I'll make a COA upon what we find.

[–]JudgeDoom690 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

You did the right thing. Knowledge is power and know you will know for sure one way or the other.

lifted 4 days out of the week; rode 12 miles today, and starting to train for a triathlon as I always wanted to do one.

Lifting and riding are good healthy outlets for your anxiety.

[–]Reject4440 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I agree that you're doing the right thing with hiring the PI. I can see the need to know for sure one way or the other; just make sure that whatever decision you make as to what to do about your marriage is what YOU want to do based on the information you have, not just because you think it's the "right" thing that society expects you to do based on what SHE is or isn't doing. I'm interested to hear further updates about what you decide.

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I come from a family where divorce is highly frowned upon. She is a child of divorce and so she has been through it. She sees it as the atomic option instead of working through it. Her mom cleaned out her dad and so if it gets to that point I might be able to leverage that against her if she tries something crazy.

I'll provide updates but hopefully it's just the shopping list but we will see.

[–]BobbyPeru0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy

Idk, depends on the cost. I think you already know the answer, but if you need closure, how much does this PI estimate? What is he going to do exactly?

[–]InChargeManRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

PI will sleep with her, just to be sure.

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

That's the thing. Her previous actions might be clouding my head but it is what it is.

PI is deposit of around $1500 which would be about 20 hours which is inline with what it runs.

[–]BobbyPeru0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

$1500 seems very reasonable. Just make sure you trust this guy. I’ve heard stories about PI’s offering the wife a chance to pay double to not report

[–]broneilbro[S] 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

This guy seems legit. I read reviews and him being a veteran holds some weight.

He was very upfront with the "if we do find something how will it affect your deployment" because he has a secure "Dropbox" where any video or photos go.

He is also insured and licensed through the state. I checked the state database and such.

[–]WesternhagenWinner0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Do you really need to see the evidence yourself? Why isn't a "yes she is" from the PI enough if that is what he finds?

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

He presents it as it is.

[–]WesternhagenWinner0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

You only need to know from the PI that "she is definitely cheating" in order to take action. You don't need to listen to (or worse, watch) the recording of her moaning and screaming as Chad bangs her. Unless you want to have your soul scarred by hearing or seeing that for some reason.

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

hopefully that isn't what is found. I've been thinking hard about it and just can't explain it. Like I'm Jekyll and Hydying this stupid shit I worked out hard twice today to think about something different. Did get some IOIs and I am down to 227 from 245 in Oct...

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

That is true. The plan is the same until that very main event, which hopefully doesn't come but fuck my intuition when it comes to shitty things.

Building the frame sucks when you got this on the mind. The main thing on my mind is my daughter.

[–]BobbyPeru0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Building the frame sucks when you got this on the mind

This is true. This will eat away at your frame more than anything. I’m not sure if you said... will you end it immediately if you find out she’s cheating?

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Since I'm deployed I would not. I also need to take the impact it would have on my daughter into consideration if I come back and do a Main Event.

[–]BobbyPeru1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Idk, I agree with others who have said you need to make a decision before you find out for sure or not. You are going to be in an emotional fog, which gives her a huge advantage.

I’ve ran the scenario through my head with my wife, and I know exactly what I’d do.

That wouldn’t be a main event btw. I think you’d be putting yourself in a position where she’d give you the tear parade and sob story about how she’ll never do it again. That’s not a situation you want to go into without having a strong frame.

There was a recent post about shit tests and main events. Your situation would not be a main event.

Study this post and read between the lines:

Main event post

The last part is the most important to your situation:

From u/rian_stone ‘s post:

One thing which seems to be constant, by the time it happens, you've 50% checked out already. That checking out can be the trigger of the event. A good rule-of-thumb: If she's throwing out snot bubbles and you're largely indifferent, it's probably a main event.”

1) You’re not 50% checked out

2) her “snot bubbles” or crying is likely to highly influence you to make a poor decision because (see #1)

So, she’s going to say whatever she needs to save face and keep you so she can have her cake and eat it too. Since your frame isn’t strong enough, this tactic is likely to work on you. It doesn’t make it a main event- it just makes it a cheating woman manipulating a hurt man with weak frame.

After you get a report from the PI, if she is cheating, you should make a decision on what you want to do before discussing it with her. In the mean time, lift, sidebar, and start distancing yourself.

Like I said, if my wife cheated, I’d divorce her without a shadow of a doubt. You need to know your course without a shadow of a doubt before you even let her know that you know.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

No need for PI. You aren't being treated properly so that should be enough to get stuff inline as you said

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I will be honest in and say that there is a chance that it is me and deployment. Deploying does a number to you especially when you are away from your support and you can only do so much.

She recently told me I was being jealous of the orbiter which I calmly responded that "I am not jealous of a man boy that doesn't know what he wants in life and decides to crawl out of the woodwork when I deploy, I am envious of him because he is there and I am not. Two different things" She STFU because she knew it was true.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Its pretty obvious you arent being treated the way you wish. Infidelity is a likely side effect of that. Its the symptom not the disease. Sure also seems like hiring a PI is to give you permission to do what a man needs no permission to do.

Tell a bitch she better shapeup as her hold is slipping.

You are the prize here, not her. If that isnt true then you have work to do.

also, protip..dont bash other guys. instead tease women about them. act like you dont care and have seen it all before

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Lol, hopefully that isn't what is found. I've been thinking hard about it and just can't explain it. Like I'm Jekyll and Hydying this stupid shit.



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