Q4All: Do you think long term/lifelong partners are entitled to complete transparency regarding the other’s past life and sexual history?

NockerJoe · 2019-09-08T02:51:20+00:00

Yes and no.

In an obvious idealized world you need a degree of transparency that's high. People are flawed and you can't live with someone without being able to live with their flaws. The entire reason people can have dealbreakers in their criteria is that there are standards to be kept. If you know something is a dealbreaker and you're lying on it that's a great big sword of damocles that'll have to hang over your head for your entire life.

In actuality people are so divorced from each other now actually dealing with other people gets treated as a liability. Lord knows I love living alone and making sure I can have a space where nobody else is, is a big part of my life. Women constantly shame men for stuff that's regular guy stuff men see as reasonable. Men don't like it when a lot of women do stuff they see as typical girl stuff. We don't want to deal with each other and don't have to anymore.

Sexual history is just the most obvious divide but it filters through to a lot of different things.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2019-09-08T03:03:10+00:00

no ones entitled to anything from another individual

KerPop42 · 2019-09-08T03:20:28+00:00

I don’t think it’s that a person’s entitled so much as that level of transparency and personal openness is what’s required to have a stable and happy long-term relationship.

wekacuck · 2019-09-08T03:06:11+00:00

I don't think it's a matter of entitlement. On the other hand, nobody is entitled to a relationship, either. If someone seeks that sort of relationship and their partner won't satisfy, then the relationship might have an existential problem.

ontherailstoday · 2019-09-08T04:33:07+00:00

The only thing you're really entitled to is the right to leave.

Anyway, maybe it is just because I'm a bit older than a lot of people here, but I think a lot about our lives is obscured even from ourselves until we become old enough to understand it. For example if you divorce at age 22, at age 52 if you do your growing up as it should be done you're going to have an entirely different understanding of why it happened than you do at age 25. So even if someone feels they are being transparent, you're not getting the whole story. I mean someone would usually be able to tell you who they dated and how long for and what they did with them, but don't for a moment think that them doing so is telling you the whole truth of that era in their lives. Insight takes time. It is productive of nothing but stress to be regarding yourself as entitled to have others to be transparent with you when life is such so nobody sees everything clearly or right away and authenticity and self-knowledge is a real struggle.

I'm not in the least bit religious, but there's a lot to be thought about in 1 Corinthians 13:12

tritter211 · 2019-09-08T05:59:14+00:00

Yes. But, chances are both partners, deep down know that they won't be 100% transparent.

Real world doesn't work the way theory tells you to.

Only suckers and betas and stupid and naive people would agree to be 100% transparency.

If that was the case,we wouldn't dealing with PC world we exist in today. Political correctness is ALL about hiding the realities of the world and to pretend things are fine in order to get along and not get #cancelled or get dogpiled by vultures seeking to have have power for themselves over groups of people. Or in conservative world, to get shunned by the community for not holding core beliefs about marriage, religion, blind patriotism, racial hierarchy, appeal to authority, or reproductive rights, etc

I don't expect complete transparency but atleast transparency on important things in life. Things like health, marital faithfulness, about your whereabouts when asked, partner count, etc. Lying about any of the things I mentioned is always a red flag.

shoup88 · 2019-09-08T12:14:57+00:00

Im going to put aside “entitled”, and say that it’s not even healthy or beneficial to know absolutely everything. I feel like for the people who don’t really give a shit, it’s not going to be a positive. And for the people who very much give a shit, knowing every sex act your partner engaged in every time, it’s going to fuck with you head.

Share the broad strokes with your partner to gauge compatibility, but don’t get down to the nitty gritty (unless that’s something you both get off on, I guess).

Willow-girl · 2019-09-08T13:28:02+00:00

I don't think anyone is "entitled" to anything. If you feel a need to know, you can ask. The other person can answer or not, as they wish, and you can do as you wish with that information (or lack thereof).

MoodyBrizo · 2019-09-08T02:51:02+00:00

Entitled? Probably not. It depends on what level of knowledge and intimacy the two parties in the relationship want. I think most would be happier not knowing, in the same way most men would be happier not knowing their kid isn't their kid.

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katymarx · 2019-09-08T03:39:32+00:00

As someone who spied on my partner for a long time I can assure you that ignorance truly is bliss

goatismycopilot · 2019-09-08T04:44:26+00:00

Nope.

Tomatoccino · 2019-09-08T06:03:16+00:00

Entitled? No. I do think it’s a good idea to be honest, lest those skeletons tumble out of the closet when you’re in a position where there’s more to lose.

Ofourkind · 2019-09-08T06:43:54+00:00

I'm theory, sure. But its difficult to imagine a desire to interrogate and demand details from your partner absent of a serious underlying issue like extreme insecurity, control, mental illness, abuse, or jealousy.

If I ask my husband a question, I expect him to answer honestly. If he is dishonest about anything, that's a problem.

I dont misuse the privilege of his transparency and vulnerability to pick him apart for my own selfish gain and masturbatory paranoia, though.

For example, I expect if I ask where my husband has been he'll tell me the truth. But I'm not about to grill him about his whereabouts at all times or put a GPS on his car. That's abusive and deranged.

Pontifex_Lucious-II · 2019-09-08T07:48:42+00:00

“Entitled” makes it interesting. I lean towards no, but clearly there are masks which people have to take off to reveal the ugliest parts of themselves in marriage.

lurkingconfused · 2019-09-08T07:52:33+00:00

I think they're entitled to ask for complete transparency, and walk if they don't get it or find out they were lied to. But I also think a person is entitled to keep parts of their past to themselves if there are no STDs, secret children, or collection of sex tapes floating around to blindside the current partner. No one owes anyone an info dump they might not actually want.

SeasonedRP · 2019-09-08T10:21:04+00:00

No, and I don't see how such "complete transparency" would be beneficial in any way. It would give the parties ammunition to use to make arguments worse than they otherwise would be. There are signs that a potential partner is a high risk for being unfaithful; grilling someone about specifics in their past is absurd and unnecessary.

wtknight · 2019-09-08T12:10:37+00:00

I don't think that they need to know about every sexual adventure, but I always want to know about things like how many boyfriends they had before and whether they were ever into casual sex, and I am not averse to sharing this information about myself. If a potential long term partner were not willing to reveal this, this would be a big red flag in my mind and mean a potential nexting of her.

Tealllane · 2019-09-08T17:06:50+00:00

In short. No. You aren't entitled to know, it's not your right.

However I believe for a lasting and healthy relationship honesty should be there. I choose to be upfront with my history, and I have fun sometimes sharing stories and experiences. However if I didn't want to be transparent, that's my right.

flamingoinghome · 2019-09-08T18:14:19+00:00

No.

They're entitled to not be lied to, but there's nothing wrong with telling your partner "I don't want to talk about that" or "that's private".

I also find it kind of naive how this sub thinks the only things people might be uncomfortable disclosing to a partner about their past are sexual.

Pastelitomaracucho · 2019-09-08T18:48:51+00:00

DXBrigade · 2019-09-08T20:38:19+00:00

I Don't Believe in total transparency when it comes to Relationship.

yasee · 2019-09-08T20:43:55+00:00

brinkleybuzz · 2019-09-08T21:36:33+00:00

Nobody is entitled to disclose any information to another party that isn't relevant to their relationship.

So here's the key question: is one's past sexual history relevant to a current romantic relationship?

It depends. If there's anything in one's sexual past that could surprise, embarrass or shock your current partner if / when they find out, then yes, it should be disclosed.

For example, if you had a one night stand with a mutual friend, you should disclose this before your partner finds out through someone else.

If you were a sex worker before you met your current partner, then it's probably a good idea to disclose this.

Everything else falls into the "we're grown adults in the 2010s" category, including N count.

Gravel_Roads · 2019-09-09T13:14:09+00:00

Nope. No one is entitled to a relationship, either. Some people don't want to know, some do - it's up to each individual to find a partner whose desire to know about them matches their desire to share. It's definitely something not everyone is compatible about.

JezebeltheQueen5656 · 2019-09-10T18:44:04+00:00

nope. men are not entitled to knowing my privacy and intimate life prior to him. it is like people have lost this basic decency. these words mean nothing to them anymore. fck that.

Nodoxxintoxin · 2019-09-08T05:35:43+00:00

Who can even remember? I teased by husband once about a really pretty girl, a decade younger than him who told me she slept with him. She was actually a pretty good friend of mine, I was a bridesmaid in her wedding. It took him a while to place her, he had totally forgotten.

Those without much to tell will have short conversations. The high n count married to other high n count don’t care.

SmurfESmurferson · 2019-09-08T03:26:01+00:00

No one is entitled to anything from another person

Discretion is attractive. For example: I don’t want to know if my ex-husband did something impressive in his past for the sole purpose of impressing another woman

Just tell me you did something impressive and bask in my admiration

TheJim66 · 2019-09-08T08:24:50+00:00

Yes they are .But that doesn't mean they are gonna get it.Just because I want to know a woman's n-count doesn't mean she is gonna give it to me.Because she has nothing to gain and in her mind it isn't important.

Title	Q4All: Do you think long term/lifelong partners are entitled to complete transparency regarding the other’s past life and sexual history?
Author	WhiskeyOnASunday93
Upvotes	6
Comments	52
Date	September 8, 2019 2:44 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/d15h32/q4all_do_you_think_long_termlifelong_partners_are/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4all-do-you-think-long-termlifelong-partners-are.253999 https://theredarchive.com/post/253999

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