Women, why do you expect men to just listen and not offer solutions?

cats_or_get_out · 2016-10-24T05:50:45+00:00

Honestly? We want to be heard. That's all. That makes us feel connected to another person.

I want to be able to share my experience with you. That's what I am looking for.

When we communicate, we often are too busy formulating a response while the other person is talking. This isn't active listening. It's frustrating when you have this kind of interaction.

This is typically where the "stop giving me solutions" thing comes from. It's not about the solutions; it's that she doesn't feel like she is being heard (like he hears only 60% and then interrupts and starts talking away).

shoup88 · 2016-10-23T17:59:35+00:00

Because it fosters intimacy. Knowing somebody feels my pain makes me feel closer to them. This closeness helps mitigate bad feelings. It's not problem management, it's feeling management.

[deleted] · 2016-10-23T18:42:07+00:00

Sounds like all round communication issues.

Honestly just voicing a problem can be therapeutic in it's own right, I think this is one we can learn from the ladies on.

On the other hand, sometimes shit needs to get solved yo :<

cats_or_get_out · 2016-10-23T18:04:59+00:00

This topic is covered in the book " For Men Only" in chaper "Listening is the Solution"

Pretty much the problem isn't the problem. It's about her feelings towards the problem. The problem in her life that can be technically fixed by simple solutions. But she is bothered by it. She wants to unload her emotions and be given validation that her feelings are ok.

Example that was given in the book was -

The author's wife was going to be interviewed by CNN for her book. They canceled on her. She is disappointed. The husband try to cheer her up by listing all her accomplishments and that she is successful regardless. She got mad and accused him of not listening.

She wanted to talk about her disappointment not her career status.

[deleted] · 2016-10-24T17:33:02+00:00

Why do you guys allow all the "anger phasers" over at RP? Do you butt in, cut them off, and invalidate their feelings?

No.

You guys offer mutual support of hurt and angry men everywhere, and offer solutions when they are asked for. But to sit and listen to a woman go through an "anger phase"?

Zero patience for that bullshit. Double standard.

GridReXX · 2016-10-23T22:20:39+00:00

I already know the solution. I'm a smart cookie. If I'm venting to you (which I rarely do) it's simply to vent and feel a close connection with you - to commiserate. And quite frankly I'd rather do that with my female friends than a SO.

Men vent as well. And trust me they feel just as annoyed if someone (especially a woman) dismisses their feelings and gives off a "shut up do this now be quiet" vibe.

[deleted] · 2016-10-23T21:33:18+00:00

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wuboo · 2016-10-24T01:42:03+00:00

She probably already knows what the solution is and just wants to vent. Offering a solution makes it look like you know better than her and/or don't care about how she feels.

MorpheusGodOfDreams · 2016-10-24T02:18:14+00:00

I made a great post about this on TRP:

https://www.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/3lphb1/never_try_to_fix_a_womans_problems/

to put it simply: Solving problems deprives women of the drama and other people's time and investment that they are addicted to.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

rulenumber303 · 2016-10-23T20:20:38+00:00

I don't want an offer of help if it is going to be help that lacks appropriateness and is mainly made with the expectation I will give you a sexual cookie for being so helpful. Those sorts of offers of help waste my time and cause me stress in managing the expectation they produce in the person who offers the help.

An example. If I'm crying about how shitty I've been treated at work then without thinking about the details of the situation you grandly pronounce like it is the first last and only word on the matter that I need to go to talk to personnel, you're probably just being a stressful piece of shit I don't need in my life. I know personnel exists and if you saw me as more than just a warm wet place to put your dick, you'd have asked enough questions to realise that I know personnel exists and had already considered it. But you don't ask those questions do you? Because doing so would make the grand pronouncement harder to do and then you wouldn't get to feel like your massive amounts of help (pfffft) by saying clearly obvious things was likely to get your dick sucked.

You should really consider carefully that maybe the best thing to do is keep your fucking mouth shut and just look sympathetic if you haven't listened enough yet to know for sure whether the suggestion that is on the tip of your tongue is not asinine, obvious, and already dismissed as an option for damn good reason.

shoup88 · 2016-10-23T20:04:27+00:00

If something is pissing me off, venting is a quick way to get that feeling out of my system. My partner is definitely not the person I prefer to vent to, but sometimes he's the only one around. I think part of a relationship is that sometimes you do something (like listen) just because it makes the other person feel good.

A reason I get pissed off is because solutions don't actually help anything in the moment, and because if he can come up with a solution after hearing me speak for a couple minutes, I've probably already thought of it.

I just tell my partner when I'm venting to vent, and when I actually want his help or opinion. It works well for us.

[deleted] · 2016-10-23T21:20:16+00:00

I don't. In fact, I have a "masculine" brain as a female INTJ and I offer solutions IFA female or male friend confides in me. I never complain about anything in my life without putting a plan in place to fix it.

If you want to have a submissive, passive woman who will let you be captain, then you have to deal with all that comes with it. You can have a woman like me who is confident and self-reliant, but you won't get an aimless follower to lead. Your choice.

cxj · 2016-10-24T02:30:58+00:00

As a woman, I don't get this at all. If I'm speaking about a problem, I want and expect you to offer solutions. If you speak to me about a problem, I expect you want my solutions.

Depends on what it is though. My SO rants about his work to me every second afternoon. It's how he offloads. He hates his job, as I've said here before. He doesn't want solutions, he just wants to offload. I understand that and just let him talk. he has a plan on how long he'll stay there but he's finding it hard.

If a girlfriend talks to me about her parent who is sick with a terrible illness, I of course understand she doesn't want a solution. She just wants to talk.

If a girlfriend says to me she's having trouble getting a home loan, I will offer solutions, even if she didn't ask for any.

Most of the time, I offer solutions. They are gratefully received - even acted upon. Shrugs. I just don't understand this whole women just want people to shut up and listen thing.

Hate to say this, but people who keep talking about the same thing and wanting people to listen and wanting to offload - are unlikely to ever do anything about their problem. That's my experience. I know people who have had the same problems for years and years. I am tired of listening to their problems when they never do anything to improve their situation. (This does not include physical or mental illness. Those things get a free pass).

If I have a problem, I research, might do a bit of talking, and then deal with it. Quickly.

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MisgenderedCactus · 2016-10-23T18:45:27+00:00

shrug Not sure.

I don't typically vent, that's my SO's modus operandi. He's the one who needs emotional reassurance, not me.

If I'm talking to my (male) friends about an issue I'm having its ~because~ I would like solutions. Y'know...brainstorming, kicking concepts around, seeing if any of them have dealt with similar problems. If they didn't try to help me fix it, I'd get miffed because it'd seem like they don't give a fuck.

Of course, I know better than to treat my mother and sisters the same way. When they have a problem, I've learned that it's best to sit down, let them talk, and agree with them, lol.

[deleted] · 2016-10-23T19:43:42+00:00

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fullmoonhermit · 2016-10-23T22:19:25+00:00

Active listening involves truly absorbing what the other person is saying and responding to the needs they've expressed. I know this can be tough! I'm someone who also wants to rush to solutions right away. When my loved ones are suffering, it fucks me up. I want that to immediately be fixed, and I'm unsettled when it's not.

But sometimes, that decision isn't in my hands, and what the person I care for needs is support and understanding so that they can choose how they want to resolve something. So they feel that I'm with them emotionally.

I've taught myself to basically say, "I hear you, I'm sorry that's happening, what do you need?"

I find that when the shoe is on the other foot, I want the exact same thing. If I need more active help, I ask for it.

ppdthrowawai · 2016-10-24T11:57:56+00:00

My SO is the best about this. Typically only brings up her problems of she wants a solution. If she wants to bitch, she just tells her friends and they are more than happy to indulge her.

Transmigratory · 2016-10-25T00:51:03+00:00

Ideally they rather that he listens to her problems, but not the other way around 'cause a real man shouldn't be bitching about his problems.

browsofpower · 2016-10-25T01:26:18+00:00

Anytime anyone wants to talk about something, male or female, offering advice should not be the first thing you do. People try to immediately help, even if they don't know what to do, quite often. This isn't a male-only thing. When someone is venting to you, interrupting to give advice that wasn't asked for is pretty rude. Waiting until after they're finished is still a bad move because you're most likely saying the something they already figured out on their own or have been told before.

You can ask if someone wants a your opinion or possible solutions afterwards, but unless they specifically say, "I'd need some advice." your best move is to just say that you understand. It's safer, too, than offering solutions that could potentially make the solution worse. Also, it's worth pointing out that while it's common to see "Just listen. Don't try and solve her problems." aimed at men lately, this applies to everyone. Like I said earlier, people tend to feel the need to help the person coming to them to talk about a problem they're dealing with by trying to fix it, when the best way (most of the time) to help is just to really listen.

shadowrangerfs · 2016-10-25T19:56:37+00:00

I understand needing to vent. I don't understand needing to vent to someone. When I need to vent I do it in private. I talk my problems out loud and I feel better. No one else gets burdened with my problems. If you want someone who will sit quietly and not offer solutions, you could get the same result talking to a teddy bear. It will sit there, it won't interrupt, and it won't try to fix the problem.

pinkdrawings · 2016-10-25T21:35:46+00:00

Once I realized this is men doing what they feel they should do as men - I've tried to stop fighting it. Sometimes I'm just emotional, and need to get the vent/rant out. It is just a silly being over emotional thing for me.

NrthnMonkey · 2016-10-26T15:45:30+00:00

Personally I find the same goes for my fella. When we come to each other moaning about a situation at work (a co-worker, a difficult project) then its usually because he is the only person I can speak to openly about the situation. If he was to respond by saying "maybe you should have done X" it feels like he is saying the situation happened because of my decision/indecision. when my partner was upset he hadn't been invited to the work christmas party, I suggested that he speak to the person who organised it and tell them how he feels. He didn't react well to this, because from me he wanted sympathy and support because he had been hurt. If i come to my fella and say "the car is spitting our black smoke, and he says "maybe there is an imbalance to the air fuel ratio" I don't then reply WTF, stop giving me solutions I just wanted comforting! However when I come to him and tell him my Stepdad stopped me going into my mums house again, I don't want him to tell me what I should/shouldn't do, I want him to listen, look at me and then say "what a cunt".

Title	Women, why do you expect men to just listen and not offer solutions?
Author	angels_fan
Upvotes	7
Comments	138
Date	October 23, 2016 5:41 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/58zouf/women_why_do_you_expect_men_to_just_listen_and/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/women-why-do-you-expect-men-to-just-listen-and-not.272207 https://theredarchive.com/post/272207

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