Married 10 years.

Two young children; 6 and 8 boys. I lift and have been for over 20 years. Succesful career. Read sidebar in depth and going for seconds. Read many of the recommended books and some twice.

For those who have read my previous posts:

I have more consistency with my boys. I am leading much better, but their is always room for improvement. I am making solid decisions and bringing in wife on decisions that she should be a part of. Understanding shit tests better. Much better at STFU. Wife is slowly following my lead. Building a real frame and know I have a life long journey to improve it.

Here is one of my several struggles:

I am angry. I do not want to put sex on a pedestal.
I stopped approaching my wife for sex. I am tired of starfish. I have started other activities to spend time in like jijitsu.

But I get horny. In the past, when I couldn't take more, I take my wife and fuck her well. Still starfish and boring sex. Then a week to 10 days of nothing as if she does not want it. And yes, I know she does not desire me organically. I need to be more of a man to to create desire, but I also need to be more of a man for me. Then when she wants to fuck, she approaches me. I do not find her approaches sexy but used to still take her advances and have shitty sex. Then soon after I feel low and less of a man as I know the sex was low quality and it was just maintenance sex for her....humiliating. Now I do not want either. I refuse her once in awhile advances. I do not approach her. I keep busy.
I know she is thinking I will break down and she will give me her pussy for shit sex and then her quota is met for another 10 days.

Recently, after no sex for around two weeks, she approached me and I gently refused. She persisted in such an unattractive way and I held firm as I do not want to feel what I usually do afterwards.

I did ask her if she gets tired of maintenance sex. She was clueless to what I meant and dropped it. In the end, I told her she had many ways to take herself and she told me she knows and masterbates. No issue here as this is nothing new and that is what we all do. But internally I want a wife that tells me about her masterbation time. I find it hott. She knows this but never shares this with me.

Also, I have not masturbated in months.

Guys, I am in a deep funk and know I am fucking up myself but cannot get my head around this. I am constantly flirting with other women, and mildly in front of wife. I get so many smiles now and they make my day. I enjoy random conversations with other women but never cross the line.