Not looking butt hurt when ignoring wife?

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November 22, 2019

Last night, my wife got some bad news that one of her friends was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

There was a lot of consoling and comforting her and she went to bed fine. This morning, she was non-stop bitching at the kids and me. No problem. I didn’t let it affect me, STFU and ignored her before leaving for work and ignored her messages all day.

After getting home from work, the bitching continued until another friend came over and the wife acts like nothing’s wrong. Again...STFU and go outside to cut grass. Coming in from mowing and the friend is leaving. When she does, my wife asks why I’m all pissed off? I told her that I didn’t like her attitude and that I didn’t want to be around it. Her reply was, “if you don’t want to take it, go find other options!” I laughed it off and sarcastically agreed. There were a few other comments like how i looked like an asshole in front of her friend, etc.

My question is how not to look butt hurt when ignoring her shitty behaviour? I kept playing with the kids for the rest of the evening, just ignoring her and shutting up.

Thanks in advance.

Post Information
Title Not looking butt hurt when ignoring wife?
Author sash_northpointe
Upvotes 23
Comments 62
Date 22 November 2019 09:34 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Original Link
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[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando44 points45 points  (3 children) | Copy

The only way not to look butthurt is not to be butthurt.

If your wife is causing problems, you deal with it and you don't do that by STFU and ignoring her. If your kids were acting up, would you ignore them and go sulk in the garden for the afternoon?

You've been at this too long to be still doing autistic STFU. Time to step it up.

[–]bourbonhipster11 points12 points  (1 child) | Copy

Entered to say this.

Bourbon hipster's guide to not looking butthurt.

Step 1. Don't be butt hurt.


(That's pretty much it)

[–]captainbourbon502 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Pours one out....

[–]johneyapocalypseThe one that says "Bad Motherfucker"3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

He could wear one of those hyper-realistic masks showing him smiling.

[–]tap098853412 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy

When you get worked up over her emotions it fills her with shame for her shitty behavior, but she also hates you because it makes her feel like she must shut down her emotions for your sake, which she knows is impossible. This makes her feel like you are too weak to handle her femininity.

If you respond aggressively or withdraw, she hates that you are shutting her down, but if you placate her she hates you even more, because you are a spineless milquetoast, and you don't even know what the hell you're apologizing for, you still don't understand her, and you're still just shutting her down but in a more cringey way.

Instead of getting worked up, the answer is stoic calm assurance. Instead of judging her feelings, project strong boundaries, but also empathy: "take a minute, start over, whatever you're trying to communicate isn't working."

What she wants is a real man, someone who won't judge her feelings or feel terrified of them, but who won't tolerate the bullshit that she's trying to project onto them.

Experience emotions with your wife, let them roll over you like water over a duck's feathers. An emotional connection is established when you experience a woman's emotions with her. Her emotions don't go inside you or flood you with anxiety, but you are there for them to wash over you.

Guarding yourself against your wife's emotions pushes her away and severs the connection. Calm assuredness while immersing yourself in her emotions allows her to feel safe and secure, but if you are flooded or exasperated by her emotions, then she will feel unsafe, anxious, and fearful.

How can you feel upset when your provocateur is just a woman? She is a little girl that needs a calm daddy to feel safe, and a fun leader who can lead her to good feelings with the excitement of a little boy.

"You're wife does not like getting worked up and then seeing you get worked up"

[–]mrbadassmotherfucker7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

She thinks you're an asshole... GREAT! Agree. You are an asshole!

[–]arm_candy2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Embracing the “asshole” title is an AA tactic. But she didn’t call him an asshole for going AA. She called him an asshole for avoiding her and her friend by moping in the yard. The AA response just doesn’t work here.

[–]Rock_Granite7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

You probably didn't look butthurt. From what you have written, you STFU and just left to cut the grass. (you have shit to do after all). Your wife is the one who framed you as looking butthurt. This is a common female tactic to try to frame your behavior.

However, you could have addressed her tone at that time. Best to keep it short and simple. " I don't appreciate you speaking to me that way".

[–]escapethesolarsystem8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

I'm confused, why didn't you just tell her that you didn't like how she was acting up front? If my LTR gets really bitchy, I say: "you're being mean, stop" (tone is important too, not in a whiny tone, but in a serious, authoritative, matter-of-fact tone). Interestingly enough, what happens most of the time is, she stops and apologies. I don't let my dissatisfaction simmer. I address a problem as soon as it starts.

Don't be like a women, expecting her to read your mind. Tell her what's wrong with her behavior. The punishment (of ignoring her) only happens AFTER you told her what your expectations are, AND she refused to do anything to adjust her behavior.

I notice that there's a lot of passive-aggressive men these days. Even taking red-pill tools (such as withholding attention) and using them to be a blue-pill passive-aggressive. The most masculine thing you can do, that commands the most respect, is to clearly communicate your expectations, and what you will do if they are not met. Then, react appropriately based on whether the women makes an effort to meet your exceptions or not. Simple, straightforward. This is a trait of a good leader.

[–]JoeBuckYourslf2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Good info here.

OP did some good things but he should’ve nuked that shitty fucking childish behavior on the spot.

[–]RisingUpAgain4 points5 points  (6 children) | Copy

How close of a friend are we talking about here?

[–]sash_northpointe[S] 1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

She’s only known her for a year or so, but is kind of a mentor to my wife.

[–]RisingUpAgain1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Define “bitching at the kids and you”

[–]sash_northpointe[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Specifically about not getting the kids ready fast enough and out the door fast enough, even though I was taking them to school and we were still early. But also just mainly general bitchiness.

[–]RisingUpAgain2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

You left her trapped in her mind

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Most of that shit you can A&A. If you can't break her out of a bad humour with your own humour, you need to work on that.

You need to be able to stand up to her without letting her moods affect you or to oak it when she genuinely needs comfort. Like I said earlier.. if it was one of your kids, you'd either make them laugh, stick them in the naughty step or hug them as appropriate to the situation.

Sulking like a little bitch just makes you look like a little bitch.

[–]RedPillGlasses-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

stick them in the naughty step

I think I did that to the wife the other night when I was drunk

[–]redwall923 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

The best way to not look butthurt is to have something better to do that look butthurt.

[–]lololasaurus1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

You need to go read way of the superior man and use the knowledge therein.

[–]Rock_Granite1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I've read it. The book does not give practical advice. He could read it and still wouldn't know what to do about his wife in this situ

[–]lololasaurus1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I dunno, "fuck the world and your woman to smithereens" seemed fairly practical to me 😎

[–]kendallb1831 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Also, a woman would never tell you to go find options if your a man she knows has options better than her.

Doesnt help you DEERd, and said you were "pissed off" due to her attitude. You didnt FOG. You gave her something solid to argue with and she hit you with that line to remind you shes the one with the balls in the relationship.

[–]hack3geRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Ain’t this the truth - the moment my wife knew hotter younger chicks were interested was the day she stopped telling me I should get a girlfriend.

[–]turbospeedsc1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Same thing happened to me, wife got rejected to a position she applied to, and I got accepted into one the same week.

They tried calling to notify her, but her phone was discharged, so they called the second number she put on file, I told them to call her again but I'll relay the message.

After I notified her she went into bitch mode, I fucked up and engaged and told her it wasn't my fault she was rejected, all hell broke loose after that, bitch mode for 2 days, I STFU and dngf, besides I been feeling pretty good lately, wife tried to push my buttons but I was in such a good mood, that she couldn't avoid getting into my frame, she even tried pushing my buttons going to drink some wine with our next door neighbor (35, 7hb, single mom), so I just put the kids to sleep, and catched up with some friends from high school and played COD for a while, she came home kinda drunk, saw me happy as hell and initiated, full session oral rimming anal you name it.

[–]fannyfire1 point2 points  (17 children) | Copy

Others are saying to call out shitty behavior and I agree. This morning I didn’t call my wife to talk on the way to work. She called me 15 minutes into my drive and asked why I didn’t call. I told her that I didn’t want to listen to her complain about traffic. I explained that I enjoy my drive to work and that I do not want it to be ruined by her bad attitude.

Guess what?

She didn’t bitch about traffic.


She knew that I wasn’t going to be her morning tampon.

Your wife said go find other options. You should take her up on that option this weekend and see how her hamster handles it. I doubt she will say those words again but that’s assuming you’re not a faggot.

[–]RedPillGlasses1 point2 points  (16 children) | Copy

This is a recurring debate on here.

Do you AA/STFU your way out of shit tests? Or do you immediately and directly strike them down

I’m in the “strike down” category.

“Hey babe, I understand you’re upset about your friend, but right this second, you’re taking it out on me and the kids and it’s unfair.”

If you have decent frame at all, she’ll apologize and/or start crying again, because she realizes she’s a hot fucking mess.

If not, then you’re probably a faggot who doesn’t deserve respect anyhow.

But just “stfu and going to mow the lawn” is autistic and retarded to me. Don’t tolerate disrespect, ESPECIALLY if unwarranted.

[–]arm_candy3 points4 points  (5 children) | Copy

Careful with the “unfair” stuff. That can easily come across as whining. Nothing is ever fair and asking for fairness is usually a losing proposition.

[–]RedPillGlasses1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Does it make it better if I say it in a pouty voice?

[–]arm_candy1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Only if your bottom lip quivers.

[–]RedPillGlasses2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Don’t worry, u/red-sfpplus told me I should lick her shithole and try to guess what she had for lunch.

[–]z2a1-91 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy


[–]juliusstreicher0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'm no expert, but- I THINK you've just saved his marriage!

[–]fannyfire1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy

I think it’s a case by case situation.

If I’m with my wife I usually agree and a amplify while I kino her. If it’s something over the phone I shut it down or divert to a different topic.

Yesterday she bitched up a storm on the way to work and I “being a nice guy faggot” let her and tried calming her down. It didn’t work so she did it the entire time and I didn’t hang up because I didn’t want to feel guilty. This morning I woke up in a great mood and decided I wanted to bring that attitude with me to work. When she was about to get started on her usual rant, I shut it down and told her I didn’t want to hear it today. She didn’t do it and we ended up having a much more productive and pleasant conversation about our future goals.

[–]RedPillGlasses1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

case by case situation


I can say “Why are you so upset?” in a plaintive whiney voice, a laughing smirking voice or a comforting oak voice.

Different results based on the tone I use with her.

Obviously all context is lost when posting to reddit.

[–]fannyfire0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

Yeah, you got to learn the right time for AA and STFU. I think if you’re always having to STFU then it may be time to AA.

When I show my wife I don’t care or that her problems aren’t big she tends to complain less. I also get less invested and can easily move on from her gripe of the day.

[–]RedPillGlasses0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Agreed with all. I’m not even sure if she complains less, or if I just CARE less.

I’ve told her a couple times to go talk to her friends. “Like hey babe, there’s so many emotions coming out of you right now that I’m kinda spacing out. I gotta get the kids ready for XYZ. Do you want to text (insert favorite feelz friend)?”

[–]fannyfire0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Could be the same for me too.

I don’t have kids now but I would probably care a lot less if I did. Sets a better example for the kids I bet.

[–]arm_candy2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Having kids doesn’t make it easier to care less. It makes it harder, partly because your investment in the relationship is so much higher and partly because you have 3 people freaking out instead of one.

[–]fannyfire2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Guess that’s why they call it hard mode.

[–]hack3geRed Beret2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

Usually when my wife says I’m an asshole she’s gagging on my cock a few hours later - it seems you are doing something wrong...

Oh yeah you are a butthurt faggot nice guy not the oak she needs - my guess is her friends cancer triggered her to analyze her life and she was question investing her life in someone like you. I see chad in your future good luck!

[–]z2a1-90 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy


[–]Smuggler-Tuek1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

“Wife asks why I’m all pissed off. I told her...”

Yeah you got butt hurt and then tried to defend that you were justified in being butt hurt. Get to a point where you don’t care. Legitimately. Your wife trying to nag you is equivalent to a toddler trying to nag you.

I’ve gotten to a point now where she has practically zero control over my emotions. The rare times now that she starts being shitty or taking her frustrations out on me I just walk away from her and go do something more interesting. It’s incredibly boring to listen to someone bitch at you. And yeah sometimes you have to put a line in the sand and stop bad behavior but most of the time it comes down to keeping your emotions your own and not reacting to hers.


[–]kendallb1830 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Part of it is your mission. When your in STFU mode, you keep doing your mission. Butt hurt is equivalent to sulking. Imagine sulking. That looks much different than a man being to himself getting shit done. Working his hobbies, his housework, or his life.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Sidebar. Lift.

You aren’t getting it.

You absolutely need to demand self respect for you. And, demand others respect you.

First book.

Dealing with the oldest teen in the house.

Do not escalate diffuse. Try AA/AM.

This is a typical church lady shit. Cunt at home especially to you then a goddess in public .... call her out fast. Mimic her answers, orders, demands, comments and throw that shit right back in face. With AA AM.

Whatever the fuck you do, STFU fir the time it takes to formulate the comeback in that situation.

[–]whammyface0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You should address her shitty behavior the minute it starts with a combination of compassion, empathy, and some stern “this shit ends now.”

And if my wife ever Said some shit like that to me I would have Said “bet” and had grabbed my coat and headed to the door before she even finished her sentence...

[–]captainbourbon500 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Many times when my wife is applying the shit test I forget that it is actually a comfort test. I STFU and go autistic and get they "why are you mad at me". If I pull her into my arms, kiss her forehead and tell her daddy is going to keep her safe things quickly resolve. I used to react with about a 80%/20% shit to comfort ratio and since reversing that her hamster wheel stops much quicker. Wife has a lot of anxiety and depression. (my job is to lead her through that)

[–]tightsleeves-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

Men have the ability to come to a conclusion and STICK to it a lot more than a female.

A female will decide that she wants X (after much deliberation) and then start questioning if she should have picked Y like 10 minutes later.

Her going to bed 'fine' on day one means nothing.. you should know already that her hamster will start to spin on this again shortly. She will wonder how much time SHE has.... How she would feel if she got the news... "Oh shit, i'm stuck with sash_northpoint the rest of me life?"

Be there to help her when she starts going down the rabbit hole of thought. When she starts bitching about you or the kids you can stop it.. stand up to her.. say "stop talking like that" but then go hug her or kiss her. Tell her everything is alright... Even better if you can pick her off the ground and squeeze her.

[–]arm_candy1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

"Oh shit, i'm stuck with sash_northpoint the rest of me life?"

Be there to help her when she starts going down the rabbit hole of thought.

Don’t worry, babe. We’ll probably be divorced long before you die...

[–]2ndalRed Beret-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Motherfucker, ignoring your wife is being butthurt.

[–]hystericalbonding-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Ignore/STFU waves a big red flag of social ineptitude in this situation, but it's better than saying something stupid.

Better responses depend on your objectives.

If she's a good girl, then reframe her shitty behavior, giving her a golden bridge to retreat across. "It's understandable to be upset about (insert friend's name here), but it's spilling over into your interaction with me and with the kids." Either send her away to decompress, or provide her with a potent distraction to help her blow off steam.

The subtext is that I am the oak, but I'm not going to take your shit. Come back when you have calmed down.

If she's not a good girl, then she doesn't matter, and your job is to protect the kids from her shittiness without either extreme of highlighting or rationalizing it to them.

There were a few other comments like how i looked like an asshole in front of her friend, etc.

Based on your post history, this is a true statement. Were you always socially clueless? Or just since your kid's brain tumor? Have you had any successful therapy since then?

The MRP rhetoric about NGAF and asserting dominance doesn't mean that being socially unaware is a good strategy. Like /u/jacktenofhearts said, you should give one single fuck - just enough to recognize the implications of not giving a fuck, and taking deliberate action with full accountability to yourself for the decision and its consequences.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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