How to handle ultimatum

UEMcGill · 2020-02-20T15:42:05+00:00

As it's been pointed out, she's trying to change the power dynamic.

You could be a kind and benevolent dictator and tell her, "Sure love, but if we move in together under threat how does that start us off on the right foot. How would you feel if I coerced you?"

You could be a machiavellian overlord, and simply tell her what she wants until she's outlived her usefulness.

Or you could be the Alpha provider and ask yourself, "Does she support my mission? How would adding her to my household do that?"

Approach what she's asking for from an emotional standpoint, is she asking you for more access? Was it a comfort test or a shit test? Or a shitty comfort test? When she delivered the ultimatum did she use terms like, "I want to move in or we're done" or "you need to let me move in or I'm out". "You" typically signify shit tests, "Me" terms are comfort tests. She may merely be looking for reassurance that her time she's devoting to you is well spent.

In the end, in an LTR you are the captain of the ship, and the crew does not get to set demands.

In your case, I would simply tell her, "Hey you are in charge of your own destiny and while I'd be sad to see you go, I'm not ready to move in together. I like you and see a future with you. I'm not saying 'no' not ever, but if you feel you're not on board with the direction we're going do what you feel you need to."

It's an advanced version of the "What are we?" question. Acknowledge her feelings, state your position, do not DEER to her, and let her know it is her choice either way.

RPNorvell · 2020-02-20T15:10:03+00:00

Your ex is right.

4 years is way too long to be sitting on a fencepost.

thrwy75479 · 2020-02-20T14:10:55+00:00

GF of 4 years gave me ultimatum.

It was a good run.

RPOpenUp · 2020-02-20T12:59:46+00:00

Ultimatums are a declaration of powerlessness,

Read this: https://therationalmale.com/2012/05/07/ultimatum/

From the Rational Male

DullIntroduction · 2020-02-20T13:00:12+00:00

Do you think begining something with an ultimatum is a good sign?

You're asking yourself how to handle it because you're afraid of losing your only pussy supply.

If you had 3 plates, you'd know the answer is "okay, goodbye then".

ghosts_of_me · 2020-02-20T13:02:14+00:00

idk how old you are but i think it depends what your long term goals are.

do you want to get married and have a family? and is she the right one? go for it.

No to both of the above? SHE is the one making it an "ultimatum" so you are being manipulated into doing what she wants. Time to break up because that is not fair and reasonable.

If you go that route, due to her "ultimatum" she needs to be fully aware that SHE is dumping YOU because you didnt want to live with her. You're the prize here and she's the loser. If it gets seen as a "Mutual break up" then you fell into her frame.

IXseed · 2020-02-20T16:04:43+00:00

Women HATE honesty... but we don't give a shit what women want over here. So be honest. Tell her you don't want her to move in. Don't give an explanation because that's not your job. And you give it to her cold. No emotion. Let her sit on it and she either comes back (and you punish her for pulling some shit like this. This is demotion worthy.) or she walks.

Whitefarmer · 2020-02-20T13:23:54+00:00

Woman have expiry dates (fertility window)and it’s kinda hot when they are aware of it.

You sir have to shit or get off the shitter or at least give her something to think about it

Zanford · 2020-02-20T21:57:38+00:00

You split bills but don't live together? Eh?

Seems clear to me. Ultimatums are unacceptable, AND it sounds like you don't really want to move in together. You have to call her bluff, and if she walks, she walks.

SirAttackHelicopter · 2020-02-20T20:55:21+00:00

4 years? She cooks for you all the time? She visits your family? Split bills? And you're surprised she is questioning your indecisiveness? Being passive like this ain't a good thing, bro.

cglehosit · 2020-02-20T21:44:35+00:00

Remember she has pressure coming from her family, her friends, the world. 4 years is quite a long time for a woman to commit with no assurance of long term care, and in her eyes, moving in is that assurance. You can still get your hobbies done.

zHelios · 2020-02-20T20:43:55+00:00

Moving in with her because she gave you an ultimatum is a very bad reason to move in together. I

Iluvalmonds83 · 2020-02-21T05:08:33+00:00

I do t think the moving in is such a problem as much as OP fears he will lose his autonomy if he enmeshed his “home” with the stbex gf. But what OP doesn’t seem to see is that he is already enmeshed ‘-she cooks for him, they split bills, and have been committed to each other for 4 years.

Op should do what he wants, which is hold his ground /boundary of not sharing homes. Let her go so she can find someone on the same page, hopefully OP can as well. But He must also be aware that living together , especially in an LTR is reasonably expected to happen and he will likely run into issues again in another LTR.

PaulBreddit · 2020-02-20T13:53:45+00:00

Dont go for that bullshit. Might as well hand over your balls with the keys to the place.

fretty555 · 2020-02-21T00:07:29+00:00

Give her one back. Say "I'm going to leave you if you give me ultimatums". Also I think women like it when you're focused on your own stuff I don't really see your problem

Voodoo_toad · 2020-02-21T00:17:28+00:00

You be done..... And move on.

breakdatass · 2020-02-21T03:12:57+00:00

Does she want children? Is she running out of time? Don't waste her time.

DatRiggz · 2020-02-22T02:06:50+00:00

3 years with ex ltr and recieved the same ultimatum. Its move in, or she's walking, she's ready for decision time.

dr_warlock · 2020-02-23T02:50:54+00:00

Its one thing to hint at it, its another to coerce. Women dont get to make demands. 4 years is a long tome in woman years, wanting something more makes sense. But its the attitude and delivery of that desire that signals whats to come. It would you giving in as opposed to agreeing. She will become complacent, be disrespectful, try controlling you, try to make an oopsie baby, stop wanting sex and find other dick. Promise.

Folknust · 2020-02-20T17:06:39+00:00

She’s trying to gain power. Do not succumb. If you do, then you’d break frame.

AceMav21 · 2020-02-20T18:56:22+00:00

End things abruptly after fucking her the night before

slappysq · 2020-02-20T19:52:51+00:00

Bye Felicia

GGrub8 · 2020-02-20T14:48:13+00:00

[removed]

ElijahBurningWoods · 2020-02-20T16:04:49+00:00

[removed]

Gordon-G · 2020-02-20T22:45:44+00:00

Must warn you... I had many hobbies and my ex had virtual none. What happens eventually is you end up giving up yours “for the sake of the relationship “... you most definitely lose your independence. She becomes an empennage off of you. Never again... never going back to the plantation!!

when_its_too_late · 2020-02-20T23:02:56+00:00

Doesn't the rational male say, DO NOT moved in our cohabit with a woman you aren't married to?

macheagle · 2020-02-20T23:36:46+00:00

How old are you both and are you guys working or still in school? Age is relevant.

Domebeers · 2020-02-20T18:23:28+00:00

Marry her or don't

2020-02-20T15:23:52+00:00

Didn't even read the post, just read the title.

Next.

You need abundance mentality asap.

Red_Pill_Brotherhood · 2020-02-20T15:15:54+00:00

You hold your ground and tell her "I'm not looking to live with anyone right now. If that's a problem for you, I understand." Be ready to accept any result and dont give in.

Edit: agree with Hulk and Norvell. You do need to make a decision on the future and quit pussying around. Dont let her strong arm you into anything though.

shadowentityrising · 2020-02-20T21:31:55+00:00

Very simple amused mastery really, tell her she's not good enough at cooking, cleaning, washing your clothes and licking your balls yet.... She needs to level up another 10 levels before it even crosses your mind. Besides how are you supposed to fuck your side chick when she's living there... Unless she's game to join in. Say them words and keep putting it on the back burner until YOUR ready. Incoming shit tests....

Title	How to handle ultimatum
Author	toilets777
Upvotes	85
Comments	97
Date	February 20, 2020 12:49 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/f6slk0/how_to_handle_ultimatum/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/how-to-handle-ultimatum.338623 https://theredarchive.com/post/338623

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