How do you not get attached so quickly when dating?

CedarBrush01 · 2020-06-05T15:12:24+00:00

I was like this even last year! But how the turns have tabled haha.

What it's really come down to for me is making sure my current life is not one that I want to "run away" from, and into some fantasized future involving the people I date.

It's taken a lot of therapy, reading and consistent maintenance of my self-worth, but here I am, knowing that I don't need anyone to rescue me regardless of my circumstances.
So, maybe look into your own life and figure out what is missing from your internal world now that you're trying to find in a reality that doesn't even technically exist?

letsberealforamoment · 2020-06-05T15:55:57+00:00

Just realize they are merely "feelings". Its not your gut, it's not your instincts, it's just a dopamine hit. Acknowledge it, and even enjoy it. But don't let those feelings guide your decisions. Those feelings you have do not reflect the reality of the situation. When the scrote shows his ass, block and delete.....despite any feelings you have. For me, when i get those dopamine induced feelings, they magically disappear when the scrote shows the first red flag.

Neorago · 2020-06-05T16:46:02+00:00

You should really read some of the FDS approved books if you're able to, The Rules by Ellen Fein and Why Men Love Bitches were game changers for me.

Chemistry and "clicking" doesn't mean anything, it's just a biological response to our innate need to bond and reproduce. You have to build your self-esteem up first, never put the man on the pedestal, you're the prize, they need to be proving their worth to you rather than the other way around. If I find myself becoming too interested in a guy I tend to take a step back, go out and do some of my hobbies, put my phone away and watch TV or read some books. This is also a good step to realising if he can respect your boundaries and if he's really interested in getting to know you.

DelicateDream · 2020-06-05T20:57:26+00:00

Personally, my standards became so high that few men impress me anymore. It’s really hard for me to get infatuated (I almost miss it, TBH). I think I’m seeing them for what they are now and not “potential”.

So I think knowing you’re infatuated with a fantasy at that point is important. You’re attached to that, not the person in front of you. Simple awareness can ground you again when it comes to the real man.

Also - the feelings the fantasy gives you are good indicators for what you’re seeking. What do these fantasies represent to you in terms of needs and desires? Too often women belittle their own desires and society belittles them as unrealistic because we’re pressured to accept low or no value men.

So when actually interacting with the man, be in evaluation mode. Is he BEING the guy who fulfills what you want? A good man will pleasantly surprise you instead of disappointing you, consistently and persistently, so you grow to love him as a real man who fulfills your needs and desires and not a fantasy projection of potential.

divdec · 2020-06-05T19:01:28+00:00

Ignore everything they say and watch their actions. Men lie like there’s no tomorrow. Don’t sleep with a man for 3 months. A LVM will disappear or try to pressure you. A HVM will be glad you’re a challenge.

PsychologicalBeat2 · 2020-06-05T15:01:53+00:00

Date multiple men at the same time or actively seek out other men. Call yourself out when you get these thoughts and redirect your thinking

bettycockroach · 2020-06-05T18:16:36+00:00

Getting dopamine hits in other healthy forms, such as exercise, good nutrition, a hobby, fresh air. Keeping yourself entertained.

Love is literally a drug, so treat it as such. Just as you would avoid cocaine, gambling, excessive shopping, junk food, you should apply the same mind set to love.

Love is extremely appealing and I also tend to fall into the fantasy trap, but I recently read about love/sex addiction which made me realize that my addiction was romantic relationships.

Realizing this was an addiction for me made me realize I need to get dopamine hits in other forms. This helped me to end a toxic relationship with my ex and stop seeking relationships/love/hook ups with random men.

Now when I long for my ex or any new guy, I realize my dopamine might be low and I go outside, go biking, price match my groceries at walmart, clean my room, do yoga.

Also, another thing that helps me is thinking what else there is I can work on to be my best self. I made a list of things I want to accomplish. I also have a strict schedule.

I work from home during covid 9-5, and I set a timer where I work 25 minutes, take a break for 10, then again 25 minutes. This way from 9-5 im focused. After 5, I hop on my bike and go for a ride around neighborhoods. Around 7, I shower and cook dinner for me and my mom.

Before the virus, I was a mess. I was drinking, looking for love, begging my ex to stay with me, hooking up with random guys. I was lost.

The virus made me realize I should love myself and to have things to work on and elevate.

I have spent this time organizing my home, selling and donating old/unused items, learning how to do groceries and cook, learning how to take care of my skin and hair, exercising and more. I never have free time anymore to mull over men.

This week I was feeling lonely so I downloaded tinder. One guy said he would meet with me to play badminton and I was so excited. He was my type and i was imagining a future, etc. Yesterday, we were supposed to meet and he didn't contact me. I deleted the app, I cleaned my room and I rode my bike.

I was over it. I didn't care. However in the past, I would have had a breakdown over it.

Staying present, practicing self care and staying busy with things that improve yourself and your home are key to not falling into the trap of fantasizing about guys.

NoThisIs-Patrick · 2020-06-05T15:03:37+00:00

Never date the same guy twice until you've established you're in a committed relationship. And do not let a guy put you into 'exclusively dating' but not 'in a relationship'. It's committed relationship or nothing.

So if you go on a date with Bill on Friday, you need to go on a date with Bob or George before you can date Bill again. So, if you wanted to see Bill again on Sunday, you'd have to have a date with one of the other men on Saturday.

Nightingale1820 · 2020-06-05T14:42:05+00:00

Daily masturbation thinking of any fantasy EXCEPT him will keep your hormones in check. But it’s definitely hard.

curlygirl507 · 2020-06-05T20:52:04+00:00

I have a lot of practice with this. I just assume they're playing me and will walk away at any point during the first 3 months. Of course, usually I'm the one walking away due to a dealbreaker.

fernprincess · 2020-06-05T23:48:11+00:00

I am still working on this. SheRaSeven1 has some good but long videos on emotional detachment on her YouTube channel, I will be watching them repeatedly. Biggest takeaways so far are to learn how to not care, not believe their pretty words, to date multiple men at once, and to avoid emotionally investing until actual commitment is obtained —and even then only being a percentage invested so you are able to walk if they eventually pull something.

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