Despite what modern media tells you, your boyfriend or husband should not be your best friend

hating-life · 2020-05-03T10:24:33+00:00

I think that in modern times, the role of a spouse has started to encompass too much. People believe your spouse should be able to do everything for you and take over roles that your parents, friends, relatives and acquaintances fulfill, which is why a lot of people distance themselves from these people once they do get married and that’s a huge mistake.

Before modern times, humans were collectivist. They lived in large groups of friends and family, raised children together, and did not isolate once they chose someone to mate with (?) or be a life partner. The family unit is a trap that isolates women and is ultimately oppressive. If you don’t have family and friends when you’re going through hard times, you’re more susceptible to manipulation, abuse, bad mental health because you have nobody. Look at what’s happening now with quarantine... domestic violence is up.

Your spouse cannot be your best friend. You’ll literally be broken if you choose the wrong man or your man changes, which is likely.

Meccha_me_2 · 2020-05-03T12:37:12+00:00

A lot of people who told me their bf is their best friend ended up in romantic situations that I personally find unappealing.

When you assign someone the role of “best friend,” in your mind they trump all of your other friends. You depend on them so much and build so many memories with them that you can’t imagine living without them.

IMO this makes it 10x harder to break up with them even if the relationship has run it’s course. I know two women who got cheated on but kept saying “but he’s my best friend. You can’t give up on that” and used that as an excuse to stay. My other friends are barely even attracted to their best friends/bfs anymore (which is especially problematic given they’re in their mid 20s) but stay because “he’s my best friend and we’re fine together.”

I genuinely think that if they’d viewed these men more as partners or as just one of MANY close friends, they would’ve left. No one should be irreplaceable.

FDSmom · 2020-05-03T10:37:25+00:00

[deleted]

supremelyparanoid · 2020-05-03T10:46:26+00:00

[deleted]

2020-05-03T14:15:29+00:00

This sub is a miracle honestly I thought it was weird that I don't consider my romantic partners my best friends. Why? Idk I think the two should be separated and they are not my best friends my best friends are women that still wants to friends to this day. The way people act in movies, hell even in youtube wedding videos saying all this crap about marrying their best friend made me question if I'm weird about it lmao. But I am glad other people feel the same way.

finance_lady · 2020-05-03T16:29:28+00:00

My most recent boyfriend was my best friend for a very long time (like since age 18 or so, and I'm in my mid-30's now) and I really regret that we shifted to dating and slept together. He dumped me out of the blue, blocked me on everything, and shut me out - I wish I could say I did something wrong to deserve that, but I didn't. We got in a single fight and it was his out because apparently he had been having doubts about us for awhile that he never communicated. So now I lost my best male friend and I will never be able to replace him as far as such a close friendship. I never should've crossed the sex line with him.

Long story, short, I completely agree with the OP here. Even if you meet someone online and you really click, just call him a boyfriend. Don't put him in the "best friend" category. Also, don't date a long time male friend either. :/

drslvtr · 2020-05-03T10:53:18+00:00

It's interesting to me how people can maintain romance and passion and be their best friends at the same time in their relationship.

I found that as I got closer and knew the most intimate things about my ex husband, the mystery, romance, passion and excitement diminished over time. We became so comfortable with each other, at the end of our marriage we were literally best friends/roommates. But the rest was gone. Back then I also believed that I needed to know absolutely everything about my partner to secure our relationship and be intimate in a new level. Big mistake.

When we divorced, I lost my best friend. Sometimes I miss our conversations. Of course I have great friends who are there for me, but it can't compare.

After all that experience I know that I need distance, mystery, space and independence in my relationships to feel desire. A best friend can't give me that.

passionatevirtuoso · 2020-05-03T10:14:24+00:00

I have a male best friend and I would certainly never want to marry him... And he is a perfectly attractive guy. Just not how we relate.

So while I don't see a huge problem with saying "He is my best friend", it actually seems a bit lacking.

Romantic love needs to contain the elements of "my best friend" and so so much more.

He needs to be my best friend as well as my partner in life, my lover, my teammate.

He does NOT need to be everything to me, though. I don't want and I don't need him to be my child, my parent or my teacher.

He does NOT need to be my only confidante.

I have my own close friends. I have family.

I don't expect him to replace anyone currently in my life - but he does need to surpass my "best friend"...

HauntedManagement · 2020-05-03T21:13:43+00:00

One important HVW trait I’ve observed is valuing your friendships and not ditching those relationships when you find a new partner. My pickmeisha friends tend to become totally absorbed w their new boyf and ignore texts/hanging out for months. Then, lo and behold, the relationship isn’t sustainable and they break up and come crawling back to the friends they ignored for months. HVW know the value of friendships and in not letting your life be eclipsed by your relationship.

pallta · 2020-05-03T10:11:33+00:00

I don’t know. I feel like it depends on the person, but I’m interested to hear more about what you have to say. From my experience, I’ve never considered any bf my “best friend.” My best friends were always women, that’s just how it happened. I think best friends have lived a similar experience (being a women) that men can’t understand.

jenneschguet · 2020-05-03T20:22:27+00:00

I think the emotional support from your partner should be there, though. They should be the first person you tell good or bad news to, and turn to for comfort. Yes, good friends are important, but if your partner has no emotional support to offer, I wouldn’t want to be in that relationship. I’ve had enough emotionally unavailable people in my life that it’s just not worth the effort if he’s only going to use me for sex and then tell me to go to my friends for my problems. I personally think this is what they mean by it.

2020-05-03T13:40:30+00:00

I've had friendships stained because of moving in with my best friends. Even though they were women. We remained friends but there was a lot of resentment over small domestic things.

So yeah, your partner is not just your best friend. He's someone you'll literally share your life with. When it comes to friendships, I often tolerate the kind of behavior that I would NEVER tolerate from a partner.

test-1234567890 · 2020-05-03T09:46:06+00:00

please do elaborate. I hit upon the same realization that your romantic relationship should not be your best friend, but I have a hard time letting go of the idea. I'd love to read more of what you have to say.

Mulkvistee · 2020-05-03T10:17:10+00:00

Totally agree. I don't live with or share finances and kids with my best friends. It's easy to be totally relaxed around them because of that which is great. My husband though, I AM way more thoughtful in what I say, and he is with me. By thoughtful I don't mean careful, there's no anxiety around saying what needs to be said it's more about care and consideration that's easily given. It's a relationship you don't get a break from and you have to be able to take on challenges together from a realistic standpoint that is also aware of the other person's feelings.

PrincessTiaraLove · 2020-05-03T17:11:09+00:00

It’s the competition that women feed into when that say this. It sickens me that women think boyfriends and husbands are unicorns. When they say this it’s from a braggadocios place in my opinion. I know a woman that does this with her husband and yes he may be awesome, but she values the relationship too much and wants to rub it in everyone’s face since most women she know is single. If a woman has non-single friends that can relate to this sentiment, fine, but screaming this to single women is just cringe. The woman showed me mug she bought that said “my husband is my happy place” so what happens when your husband is tired of making you happy and wants to relax? Are you desperately unhappy? This woman also gets upset when she sees her husband enjoying the company of other women even if they are related to him or her. It’s just weird like let this man breathe. This seems to be an addiction for some women so I just back away.

supremelyparanoid · 2020-05-03T11:14:21+00:00

A lot of my friends took our close friendship for granted as soon as a man walked into their life. Poof, years of friendship gone for one mediocre guy

acadametw · 2020-05-03T18:30:13+00:00

I think a lot of people fall into this trap because they are surprised by the notion that you can have a base level of respect and affection for your partner, and then it just escalates from there.

It's like, I would rather hear someone say their partner is their best friend than be one of those people who talks about their partner as though they hate them as an individual and someone's holding a gun to their head to keep the romantic obligation afloat....but uh.....that doesn't mean the partner as best friend thing is a good goal or standard.

Not a single person on this planet, High Value or otherwise is perfect and no one can be all things to someone else. I cannot and will not be all things to a man, nor a woman, and I don't expect them to be all things to me. Period. Seeing it that way is such a recipe for toxic dependency and people getting crushed and betrayed by their unrealistic and unhealthy expectations in the long run.

illusion_believe · 2020-05-03T16:54:18+00:00

The best friend thing is only when you met when you were kids. Basically you grew up together so it feels like you are best friends. I feel like most people call BF the people they know the longest.

It’s interesting because I had this convo with a friend. On how you lose friends as soon as they get into a relationship (especially men). I lost a lot of male friends once they got into a relationship.

Sarcastic3 · 2020-05-04T10:19:02+00:00

Pickmeisha friends are the worst type of friend. I had to cut mine out of my life when she choose a new boyfriend that she only met a month ago over me. We also plannned a girl trip and she cancelled last minute. The rudest thing was when she asked me if he could come with us on holiday. The audacity of this woman still makes me angry. I don’t regret cutting her out as she was a lousy friend.

2020-05-03T11:46:36+00:00

À best friend aka à homie who laughs at misogynistic Jokes.

wrytit · 2020-05-03T18:08:43+00:00

I agree, because once you start making him responsible for your moods or your happiness, the passion dies.

Title	Despite what modern media tells you, your boyfriend or husband should not be your best friend
Author	Fauxie3
Upvotes	171
Comments	47
Date	May 3, 2020 9:43 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/gcnwi3/despite_what_modern_media_tells_you_your/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/despite-what-modern-media-tells-you-your-boyfriend.677047 https://theredarchive.com/post/677047

Comments