How to escape the Pickme Mentality

Pickme Mentality:

desperate for a boyfriend, feels like she has to "prove herself" to be worthy, puts men on a pedestal, sees dates through rose-tinted glasses and justifies/ ignores red flags. low self esteem, fears ending up alone. fear of abandonment- constantly checking phone, re-reading, triple texting. when she gets a crush, it consumes her whole life. it's like she can't exist as a person unless she has someone to keep her busy. can be anxious-preoccupied attachment style. needs validation to prove her worth.

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Queen Mentality:

Knows that she has inherent worth as a human being, no matter who she is or what she's been through. She isn't desperate to impress, she asks "has he impressed me?"- what does he bring to the table? is he fun to be around? etc;

discerning and intuitive- spots red flags, green flags and makes clear decisions. doesn't get caught up on one person, knows that dick is abundant and low value.

has her own life outside of dating and is happy/comfortable with being single. understands that a partner is supposed to add to your life, not complete it. has her own hobbies, career ambitions and purpose. she doesn't sabotage herself for other people- eg. putting her partner's life and career before her own.

she's naturally busy and doesn't feel the need to worry about her dates. she doesn't respond to last minute date requests or go to seedy coffee shops/bars. things happen on her terms. she's not a monkey dancing to impress a LVM.

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this is nice, but how do we actually change our mentality?

there are 5 things that Pickmes need to work on:

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1. sense of self worth
2. take off the rose tinted glasses
3. have an interesting life
4. realise dick is abundant and low value
5. realise that single isn't a death sentence

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1. Sense of Self Worth

at the CORE of the pickme mentality is a lack of self worth. You don't feel like you're enough, so you have to impress him by cooking, cleaning, sex, etc;

and a strange thing is that- doing this actually makes you feel secure. you feel like if you just cook enough, are kinky enough, or clean enough- that you'll be guaranteed to get a good partner. It also might make you feel special, especially since many men echo- "most women don't cook anymore" or "i wish my girl was kinky" or "most women are sluts! i need a good girl!"

part of the pickme mentality is feeling better than other women because you do things that they don't. you're trying to be a real life cool-girl. you center a lot of your life/personality/interests around things you do to seem special to men.

(not everyone might be this level of Pickme though, we all have different levels.)

But it's a false sense of security. because LVMs actually *thrive* by preying on Pickmes.

and because of this false sense of security, you might not actually realise you're insecure. If you *need* all of this to impress someone- then that means deep down you think you're not enough.

the first thing you need to do is take off the apron, and re-discover who you are.

and yes, that does mean stop dating. maybe leave social media for a few months too. just have a reset and try to center your thoughts around yourself. try new hobbies, watch netflix, get your nails done! start to enjoy time alone! and don't be scared of being single.

just get to know yourself again and try to like who you are. no matter who you are or how you feel about yourself, you deserve self respect. you will find the right person eventually, but you can't meet them in the wrong mindset. Pickmes send HVMs running for the hills lol.

I'd reccomend starting a journal too, going to therapy and doing some serious introspection. It's been hard for me to get out of this mindset and i'm still not fully there yet.

also- read the FDS handbook :)

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2. Take off the Rose Tinted Glasses

what's funny is that you purposefully put the glasses on.

most people here probably saw the red flags in the early stages, but brushed them off or ignored them. and if you didn't see them, then you should definitely read "why does he do that?" and the other books in the FDS Handbook. hell i'd even read up on red flags, how to spot narcissists, etc as well.

but if you saw the red flags and ignored them- ask yourself why?

it might be because you put them on a pedestal and just didn't want to believe they could be a bad person. maybe you're sick and tired of horrible relationships and didn't even want to think about this one ending up like that. or maybe you *need* someone in your life to make you feel happy and so you accept whatever price that comes at.

whatever your reason, realise that you need to take these glasses off. just pause for a moment and think. dick is low value and abundant, if this guy has a red flag, you can leave him. there are good guys out there, remember you don't have to settle for less.

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3 Have an Interesting Life:

what this means is- actually be interested in your own life. do things that you like! try new hobbies. dating shouldn't be the most interesting thing in your life, and neither should drama.

and if you're actually interested in your life you'll naturally be happy being single and won't feel the need to be clingy or triple text. it makes it much easier to step into the Queen mentality.

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4. Realise Dick is Abundant and Low Value

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I used to get really stuck on one guy and then think that there was LITERALLY NOONE ELSE like him. and that i was going to die alone and aaah all men are trash blah blah blah.

but that's not true- there are good guys out there. you will meet people you're attracted to and who actually do their chores and aren't addicted to porn.

don't get stuck on one guy, because TRUST ME, there's a million more like him. most men are pretty similar. dick is abundant and low value. women are the ones that choose. really, you have the power.

but you can't see it because you're stuck in this Pickme mentality.

and if you're stuck on one guy who you think is a unicorn, you'll be more likely to cross your own boundaries trying to please him. you'll go into panic mode and do almost anything for him. that's why you have to remember that you have the power.

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5. Realise that being single isn't a death sentence.

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visit r/breakingmom and tell me you'd rather be in a shitty relationship than single. or even r/sex. or just any mainstream dating sub on reddit.

think about it- if you're single you have something a mom/gf could only ever dream about- free time, peace and quiet. lmao.

being single is infinitely better than being with a LVM.

I've never had a relationship, so i used to be really sad about this. but recently i realised... i'm actually a lot better off than i think. i'd rather be single for the rest of my life than be stuck with a LVM for 50 years.